Here is an overview of the situation I'm faced with- of course I think my position is a legitimate one but maybe some of you can weigh in on weather I'm being an @$%hole or not...
I am an avid "recreational" cyclist. I try to do at least 60 miles a week, mostly on local greenway trails. I often ride by myself but I have a few friends who come ride with me and a few times a month my wife rides with me as well. I'm not in stellar shape but I do okay for myself. My wife is not in as good of shape as i am in and because she is VERY sedimentary in her choice of lifestyle and only rides 2-3 times a month rather than 2-3 times a week she is also much slower than i am. When we ride together on the greenway trails i always ride slower to stay with her so she doesn't end up riding alone.
Here is the problem-
I, along with 2 mutual friends of ours wanted to sign up for a 60K charity ride this weekend in NC. Of the 2 friends, one is a former bike shop mechanic who raced road and mountain bikes up until a few years ago and is in excellent shape, his girlfriend is similar to me in ability level. She isn't "hardcore" but she can ride a bike at a reasonable pace for 60K without problems.
My wife decided that because the three of us were going, that she wanted to go as well. Fair enough I thought- we decided to do the ride at the beginning of February so I bought my wife a new bike (she was riding a comfort bike, i got her a much nicer hybrid bike) and told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to start training for the ride. My plea's fell on deaf ears. She only went and rode with me about 4 times in the two months leading up to the ride.
Yesterday we showed up at the ride with about 400 other people. Within about 3 miles, my wife and I were so far behind everyone else that the only other bikes I saw were people changing flat tires on the side of the road. The ride ended early because of a massive thunderstorm so we only rode about 20K of the 60K we were planning but as an indicator of how slow we went, several people had completed the 40K loop before we completed our 20K. (people were finishing the 60K loop by the time we got dry clothes on)
My problem is that I am really upset about this. I worked hard and went on rides every week even when it was cold or I had "better things to do" but then on the day of the ride I had to ride in literally last place to keep her company because she was too lazy to train or prepare for the ride. I had told her several times that the ride was important to me and that if she couldn't dedicate the time to preparing for it that she shouldn't go but she insisted that "she would be fine". My friends seemed to have a great time meeting several cyclists and enjoying "being a part of the pack". My ride was miserable and I wished I had not wasted my time showing up for it.
I told my wife how I felt and I think she kind of felt bad, but i feel almost certain that the next time i try to sign up for one of these rides she will want to "try again" to "prove she can do better". I will still ride the local greenways with her a couple times a month but I really don't want to go on another longer-distance charity ride with her.
Am I being a jerk or do I have a right to be upset? If she tries to invite herself along on a future ride should I just tell her no?
I posted this here because it is a "family" issue about "recreational cycling".
The BikeForums Team
-adv-
This is an archived thread, you can find the full version of this thread, with images, links and more content here.
I understand the disappointment, but try not to be upset with a person who wants to get involved with things that you do. She is not doing this to hamper you; she is doing it because she likes you.
That said, maybe there are other solutions available. What if she were to go without the expectation that you would ride next to her? What if you rode part of the way with her? What if you were to go to some rides without her, and some with?
You have a person who is trying to be involved in something you enjoy, I would recommend trying very hard to figure out a way to accomodate that.
jim
vindicator
Might it be possible to do a slow, even shorter ride with her and perhaps longer faster paced ones with your friends? That sounds like a good compromise.
C Law
get a tandem
Ziemas
You are being a jerk. As much as it's a PITA to have to go slower, your wife wanted to doing something with you that is important to you. She wanted to share it that important part of your life, and you bascilly told her that she wasn't good enough to share it with you.
Go out and hammer with your friends, but enjoy the ride and go at her pace when you are riding with your wife; not every ride needs to be a race.
Sixty Fiver
I have to say first, that if you have a partner that wants to ride with you, that you are a very lucky man.
You do have the right to be upset as it seems you were pretty clear that going on this ride would take some commitment on her part and I would feel the same if any riding partner wasn't willing to do the legwork to get ready for a planned ride and be able to maintain a certain pace or cover the distance.
We do a lot of rides here of all kinds and are always pretty clear about what is going to be required and what is expected.
I planned a century ride last year and we had 10 people show up for what was clearly stated to have been a social ride and not a hammerfest, that the distance was going to be 100 miles (a 50/50), and that our pace would be in the low 20's (kmh).
4 of the riders showed up in full race gear and one of the other riders was not well prepared for the ride and suffered quite a bit, although he did finish.
We ended up riding in two groups so the kids could have their hammerfest and the second group did the ride as planned and we actually averaged a speed that was not much less than the first group...quite impressive when you consider the oldest rider in our group was nearly 60 and was loaded for full on touring.
I spoke to my organizing partner about this and he apologized for not being clearer when he was telling people about the ride and the fellow who had so much trouble on the ride has been coming into the shop where we have been building him a better bike as he would like to do more of these social rides and said he would be riding a lot more than he was last year to make sure he was up to it.
Pwnt
I wish my wife would ride with me. :(
chipcom
Yes, you're being jerkish. Your wife made an effort to spend time with you doing something you love...so who cares how fast and far you go, enjoy the time spent riding with your wife, not getting all ticked because you couldn't show off your cycling prowess to your friends and a bunch of strangers.
I understand that you wanted to zip along with your friends and complete the ride, but hey, looks like nobody completed the ride...stuff happens, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that. You might have not kept up or finished due to a million other reasons too, mechanicals, crashes, whatever...in this case it was because your wife wanted to spend time with you...I'll take that over a crash any day! Think about it, what is more important to you, spending time with friends or spending time with your wife!
When Cheri rides with me I know that we're not going to hang with the faster groups that I could normally hang with on my own. Oh freakin well, when she's with me I am riding with her, which means we keep to a pace that is comfortable for her so she can enjoy herself, not one that designed to punish her because she has the gall to want to ride with me and prevent me from stroking my own ego by showing off how fast I am.
I'm not trying to flame you or judge you...hey it's your life. I'd just like to suggest that you take a few moments to think about what is really important in your life - something we all tend to loose sight of from time to time when we get 'into' some sport or hobby or career. ;)
Mr. Fly
She is not doing this to hamper you; she is doing it because she likes you.
+1.
It's a charity ride, not a race! I believe the main point of a charity ride is to have fun rising money for whichever cause you're rooting for. I'm quite competitive by nature, but when I'm doing charity rides/walks/etc, it's all about the cause and camaraderie.
And no, that by itself doesn't necessarily make you a bad husband.
timmhaan
i think he's allowed to feel disappointed. it sounds like he did a good job of letting her know that this was important to him and he obviously was doing some extra rides out in the cold to prepare for it. that should have tipped her off to take it a little more seriously or arrange another plan for you guys to ride together part of the way or something.
somewhere along the way the communication broke down.
i do have one question, and if the answer is 'yes', you might have a larger issue: do you resent her sedentary life style?
Sixty Fiver
When Cheri rides with me I know that we're not going to hang with the faster groups that I could normally hang with on my own. Oh freakin well, when she's with me I am riding with her, which means we keep to a pace that is comfortable for her so she can enjoy herself, not one that designed to punish her because she has the gall to want to ride with me and prevent me from stroking my own ego by showing off how fast I am.
Who would want to ride with a bunch of stinky sweaty guys when you have such a lovely partner to ride with ?
One can only hope to be so lucky.
:D
late
You simply need to split your riding time between her and serious riding. You are lucky to have a wife that wants to ride with you.
You could also look at tandems.
I don't think you are being a jerk. Every relationship has some tension along those lines and you are in the middle of the process of working out a compromise
you both can live with.
StephenH
What "late" said.
What you need to do is go on some rides that are long and fast by yourself and go on other rides that are short and easy. I notice around here, for example, that on some of these rides, they'll have even a 10 mile "Family Ride" or something of the sort. And you'll find that many of the ride organizers seem to seek out hills to make it challenging, but some don't, so the courses vary that way too. But intentionally make efforts to arrange trips that are conducive to her abilities.
The tandem is an idea, but before considering that, you'd probably want to talk to folks in the Tandem Forum. If one rider is out of shape and one isn't, I don't know that the end result would be a whole lot different emotionally. You want to ride, not go dragging another 100+ lbs of dead weight around with you. If she was willing to get out and ride more locally on a tandem, then it might be worthwhile.
Even if your wife makes an effort to get in shape, there's likely to always be a considerable disparity in how far and how fast you can ride and how much you enjoy doing so. So her getting in better shape is helpful, but not an entire cure to the problem.
referee54
I can sympathize with you, as I am a very competitive person--I will compete with others and I will compete with myself...BUT, that being said, you have to learn to turn it off and sit back and enjoy her company. She wants to share in something that you enjoy---that is wonderful. You will have plenty of other times to ride fast...but how many times do you have to share that riding ewxperience with your wife? Mine does not ride---and I wish she did.
Tim C.
catherine96821
I do not think you are being a jerk
My mate is much younger and competes in tris, works hard to be a perfect 300 PT-er (USMC). I ride but am no where in his league. I would never ask him to do this. Who in their right mind wants to become a mandatory ball and chain? My advice is to your wife: Appreciate the time you ride together but don't force yourself into a situation where you limit your husband's desire to achieve his personal goals. When we ride, I beg him to drop me....meet me up ahead, etc. This way, we "ride together, load the bikes, plan the time, he keeps me company a bit and then takes off on his big sprint, maybe meets me back at a good place. I really had to convince him it was okay. I think he loves me more for that.
This is not a good omen for the future. Your goal now should be to not be set up for further resentment, or some day down the road you will be ripe for an affair.
I'd go back to the wife and re-hash this. Stuff it, for now, you'll pay later. Tell her you value your marriage and don't want to have resentment creep in.
I was married to a surgeon for 15 years who did not hit a lick and I got to the point that I could not stand to vacation with him because he was on his lap top or cell phone laying in a chair and I was off being active. (It is the SAME issue....would I lay in chair and drink Mai Tais, to keep him happy? I tried..and trust me, you can't for the long haul without being too frustrated too keep that "lovin feelin"
I think you can "ride together" without being the same pace. You do the race together, you don't cadence together, that is a bit extreme.
girljen
No, I don't think you're being a jerk at all! It's great that she wants to ride with you, and it would be smart of you to accomodate that...but like you said, you trained hard for that ride and gave your time and your body expecting to stay with the pack and meet new people.
If she asks to go on another ride, tell her that she's welcome to sign up, that charity rides are not competitions so she can go at her own pace, but you are going to ride at your own pace, with or without her. Explain your training to her, explain your reasons for wanting to ride quickly.
HandsomeRyan
Sorry the reply is messed up, the "quote" function of BF.net doesn't seem to be working this morning.
get a tandem
I looked at this but it is prohibitivly expensive. I'd need a tandem bike, a rack, and because my car is a company owned vahicle and she drives a convertable- we'd need to buy another car to mount the rack to. Tandems look like they would be great fun but even with a tandem she'd still only ride with me once a month and that money could be better invested in something else.
Go out and hammer with your friends, but enjoy the ride and go at her pace when you are riding with your wife
My wife invited herself on this ride, I did just want to go ride with my friends.
...so who cares how fast and far you go, enjoy the time spent riding with your wife, not getting all ticked because you couldn't show off your cycling prowess to your friends and a bunch of strangers.
I didn't want to "Show off" I wanted to feel like a part of a group. If all I was going to do was ride at a slow pace with my wife, I could have stayed home, ridden the local greenway with her, and slept in my own bed. To me, the point of the ride was to have some fellowship with other cyclists. Not a race, but riding as a group and feeling like a part of that group.
...but when I'm doing charity rides/walks/etc, it's all about the cause and camaraderie.
This is exactly why I'm upset. I wanted to enjoy some camaraderie with the 400 other cyclists who showed up for the ride. I could have stayed home and saved 6 hours of driving and about $200 (or about 1/3 of the entry level road bike I'd like to have) if I was just going to ride with my wife and no one else.
do you resent her sedentary life style?
Only when she holds me back from doing something I enjoy. She doesn't really have any hobbies, but if she did, I would either try to participate in the hobby with her at a reasonable level (I'd practice), or just let her have the hobby to herself. I certainly wouldn't put myself in a position where I was holding her back from doing something she enjoyed with a group of people who could do it at the level she was doing it at.
deraltekluge
Am I being a jerk...?Yes.
masiman
Hopefully you all will work out the overarching relationship issues. I will not attempt to give you my opinion on who is right and who is wrong.
As for the tandem, it is possible to trunk mount them. You will have to take off one wheel, maybe both, but it is doable. The cost of a tandem is a different issue. You can find some decent used ones. Depending on what you can get older good quality tandems for under $1k. One thing they say about a tandem is that where ever your relationship is going, a tandem will get you there faster ;).
momof4greatkids
Am I being a jerk or do I have a right to be upset? If she tries to invite herself along on a future ride should I just tell her no?
I posted this here because it is a "family" issue about "recreational cycling".
I don't think you are being a jerk. It was quite thoughtful of you to go out and get your wife an upgrade on her bike. A "jerk" wouldn't do that.
But you dropped the ball. You should have provided her w/some coaching, some encouragement and a training schedule! No excuses, set a date and time and go riding w/her. This will be a great time to spend together as a couple, and her cycling will improve quickly.
You don't just show up for an event without training for it and then hold others back, even if it is your spouse, IMHO that is being a "jerk".
I know she feels bad, but sometimes the pain of being dead last is a good motivator to get you to work a little harder next time (don't ask me how I know this! ;))
For the next event, make sure she trains, or at least understands, that you may not hang together the whole time and you will catch up at rest stops or the finish line.
I can understand your disappointment about not being able to ride as you expected, especially after so much expense and planning and preparation on your part. I would be disappointed too.
I ride w/my hubby once in a while, but our situation is the opposite. Basketball is his thing, and I'm a stronger cyclist than him. I stay w/him when we ride together, but we dont' ride together all that often. He is supportive and doesn't want to hold me back, OTOH, he also wouldn't want me on his team playing basketball (and how!) I understand that, too.
That Guy
Well spoken, Catherine.
Last spring, my best mate and I backpacked the West Coast Trail in BC. His sister really wanted to go, but was inexperienced. We both told her that this was not a beginner route, but that we would help her with a little backcountry experience if she agreed to train for it. She had a year. She went as far as looking for a gym and picking up some kit and had all the excuses for why should couldn't train. Ultimately my pal told her straight out, "you're not going" two months before we left. When asked the question, I backed my mate. At the time, she was crushed, pissed off, and generally unpleasant. In the end she realized that it was for the best that she didn't go; she finally recognized her own disparity between her ability and the road ahead.
I don't think you're unjustly upset about the whole thing. You're completely allowed your feelings, as are we all. But I think they are a little misguided. Truly, did you expect a sedentary person to get whipped into shape for a quick pace 60k in eight weeks? I can imagine that a quick change of lifestyle like that must be hard without plenty of motivation and encouragement. How much did she get from you or was it just nagging? When I read your comments, it sounds like you really didn't want her to go in the first place. So do you really think that you are without blame? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say "Sweetheart, you know I love you, but I really don't think you should go." For now, cough it up as a life lesson, let it go, and go for a ride with your wife.
Hobartlemagne
Not a jerk.
You bought her a bike and instructed her to train to meet the goal.
She slacked off and made you have a bad time.
She is in the wrong.
One way you are in the wrong: You shouldn't have let her come without the proper training.
Next time, make her train and work up to at least 75% of the distance of the next rally ride.
O-Town
Yea tell her no. Your not a jerk IMO.
Before children my wife and I happly rode "together" on the local bike club rides. She rode in her group and I rode mine. We had a great time talking about how fun our ride was over lunch.
supton
Conflict is part of life. You had some high hopes, she didn't (apparently) have the same. How you react and deal with it will dictate how things go in the future. No relationship is complete without occasional misstep or even disappointment--these are the things that, when resolved, make the relationship stronger. How you learn to better compliment each other. If you didn't have occasional conflict I'd wonder if you were living together.
I'd let it go. Perhaps she'll ride more, if you ask; and perhaps you'll never have fast rides together. But what is the purpose of riding together in the first place? To have fun, to race each other, __? But it's clear that you two have different riding abilities and goals--and if you're going to have fun together, then one (or both) will have to get those goals closer together. Work through it, perhaps be the first to bend--maybe after a few rides she'll get hooked and want to be faster, just to join with you. Or not.
JPradun
Just realize, your wife lets your ride a bike without making you feel like ****. You should be happy.
Find her a friend who can enjoy her pace and go do your own pace, next time. Finish your first loop with the pack and join them on your second loop.
catherine96821
...I just noticed your username.
maybe you are a jerk? lol, I have doubts about you now.:p
HandsomeRyan
The screenname comes from a character in "The Italian Job" - Handsome Rob
andrelam
Are you a bad husband no... is there room for improvement shure. The art is in finding a happy place where all can be accomodated in some reasonable way. Below I will share my "bad hustband" event of last year, and how we are turning that around this year and finding ways to enclude my wife (but having set clear objectives), but her also being OK with me wanting to do some longer rides that are going to be clearly unreachable for her in the short term.
I had sort of a similar problem last year. First a little background: I pretty much grew up on a bike (my family didn't get our first car till I was 7, not unusual back in the 1970's in Holland). After moving the USA I didn't get to ride my bike much other than to get around the neighborhood as a kid. I did ride my bike to school in High School (the ONLY person to do so out of 1600), but weather and narrow roads meant I had to stop in October and not start again till April. I also rode to work in town during my Summers, but that was just a few miles. For the next 10 years I barely rode my bike.
I got a new job back in December of '06 and it was onlu 5 miles from work. My co-worker discussed how he rode his bike to work during the summers. That inspired my to try to give up my car as much as possible. I started riding exacly one year ago April 1st 2007. I now ride a minimum of 50 miles per week, and usually get around 60 to 70 miles per week during the Winter (not much opportunity for longer rides in the Winter).
My co-worker (the same one that told me about riding to work) was getting a team together to ride a local charity ride. After some discussion he picked the 33 mile route as he had already managed to complete 20 miles the previous year with his then 9 year old daughter involved. I ntold my wife my plans to participate. My wife wanted to join as well, but would only consider doing a 9 miler. To give a little background. I do love my wife, but she does tend to find ways to stay as sedentary as possible. She knows she is at least 60 Lbs over weight. I have been very supportive in almost everything she has wanted to do, but she has a long history of quitting or participating so sparcely that it might was well be considered quitting. Pretty much every time we want to go for a short ride around the neighborhood she'd find a reason why should could not do it. It was too cold, too hot, she was tired, etc. I kind of fibbed a little stating that you had to join an existing team and that was the route they were taking. I did the ride and it was fantastic. My co-worker's daughter had skipped a few training rides, and was not as motivated as the year before so it took a good deal of effort on all our parts to encourage her to finish. It was a little frustrating to be sweeped off the course, but at least she put in the effort and through all the encouragement we gave her she was able to finish. Since that ride I've done various 30 mile rides and now have my eyes set on a metric centrury later this Spring or Summer. During the Summer we went for a few rides, but frequently she wanted to turn around after only 2 miles.
Now fast forward about a year. In the Fall my wife found a Karate studio that was nice and reasonably priced. She and my daughter started taking classes. My wife did have her knee act up and eventually needed her knee operated on (for the 6th time). At Christmass I go us a (cheap) tandem that would be good for pratice rides. It would allow us to start riding together and help her build up some strength and endurance. If we hit wind in the past she would be whiped out almost immediately.
We knew we would not participate in the Ride for Roswell this year as we will be going on a trip to Holland. I found an other ride Tour de Cure which is as the end of May. I talked it over with my wife and we now have a training schedule setup. This ride is only 25 miles, so it is a little easier to achive. We have about 9 weeks to get ready. My wife finally want to get healthier and knows she needs to get started. I always told her I don't care about the weight, the thing that bothers me is that she can't participate properly in many activities with our 7 year old daughter. I promised her that we will to start SLOWLY. I do NOT want her or my daughter to hurt after a ride. My wife recently discovered the Biggest Loose on TV (in re-runs) and has seen that these people have managed to loose weight all through hard work. You don't need a pill or surgery to loose weight, but that doesn't mean it is going to be easy. Seeing regular people achieve some pretty amazing goals. Sure they have a personal training beating them over the head, but it can be done!
We now have a training schedule that is realistic and she knows she has to stick with it or she won't be able to ride. We are going to do some circuit training 2 to 3 times a week (30 minutes each). We will need to perform practice rides every week, increasing their length by 2 to 3 miles per week. During the week she can take some short rides on her own, and we may be able to get in some rides in the early evening. Our daughter is just getting the hand of riding Solo in the past week so every night I run around the block chasing her. For the practice rides we will use the Tandem, and our daughter will be in tow using a Wee-ride Co-Pilot (so we'll be sort of a Triple). This should be a good family bonding experience and will also ensure that my wife finally gets a jump start on a healthier, more active life. During the Summer we plan to continue to weekly rides and will include various family members including my parents, her Dad, and my Sister and her husband and two kids. We also plan to do most of our weekend shopping using only the bikes. This will be a good excuse to go for a ride, save gas, prevent over shopping, and show our daughter that you can do a lot of things without having to always use a car.
Happy riding,
André
edbikebabe
I don't think you are a jerk. If you were really a jerk, you would have kept up with your friends & let her fall off the back by herself.
Not much you can do. Either do some rides with her & others with your friends, or tell her that you are going to ride at your pace & if she can't keep up, you will drop her. (realistically not a good choice if you want to stay married though.....)
Michel Gagnon
HandsomeRyan,
You may have a nice discussion with your wife. It's quite possible that she will conclude herself that she needs to train better to do such rides with you. On the other hand, it's possible that she prefers to ride much more slowly than you. From that, there are a few solutions to investigate:
– Do shorter rides together, so that you "train" to a compatible speed.
– Decide from the start that you will both ride on your own, separately from each other. This works best if either (or both) of you are loners, or if you both have friends to ride with. Just like you had expected to ride with your friends, she might want to ride at her pace with a group of compatible friends. Then both of you get a good experience.
– Get a tandem. Actually rent one once or twice to make sure you both want to ride fast, then buy one if you like the experience. As a bonus, a good team will ride faster than a single biker.
tulip
If she had trained regularly and really made an effort and was STILL slow, would you feel the same way?
She's not going to get more active unless she wants to. But IF she wants to, something like Andre described would be a good model to follow. You can't make her change her ways, but if she wants to, you can participate with her. That would be better than throwing a bike at her and telling her good luck.
bkaapcke
Bad, so bad! Nothing a good spanking wouldn't cure. bk
brandenjs
I'm not sure you're being a jerk. I understand how you feel about taking it seriously and training. On the same thought I will take my wife with me anytime she shows interest. She knows she can't hang with me on rides so we compromise. We arrange rides to where the two of us and our two sons all go. My oldest son can hang with me so we may take off and leave the youngest and the wife to ride together, but the cool thing about that is we can zoom ahead and take a break while they catch up. It's all about the family for me.. I do a charity ride (see link below) and she does'nt want to ride it but she is part of the crew so we are still together. After all she is my best friend in life and I will do what it takes to give her the respect and admiration for all she does. She's knows her limitations also..In her words "you're the adrenaline junky, I'm just out for the fresh air and scenery". Good luck and remember nobody will ever live up to the expectations we put on ourselves...
Siu Blue Wind
You are not a jerk. You stayed with her. You could have left her and THEN you would have been a jerk.
She cared enough about you to try to join you in your interest. You cared enough about her to try to help her achieve that goal by getting her a bike and encouraging her.
She just didn't understand how demanding it was going to be, that's all. Now she knows. Perhaps she will train harder for the next one.
More than anything, it's done and over with. There are other rides. You were a real man by not leaving her behind and you sacrificed what you were looking for in that ride. She knows that, which is why she feels bad. I'm sure she thinks highly of you. And that is the important thing. How your wife feels about you. :)
gcottay
This is not a hard problem.
When I ride with my smart, beautiful and slow-riding wife, we ride at exactly her pace and go exactly her distance. Sometimes I do loops a few miles ahead and then back. Sometimes I do the loops fast enough that I am happy to fall back into my wife's pace.
When I want to ride as fast and/or far as I can, I either ride by myself or with similar or superior riders.
Simple solutions are often the best.
sd790
i think he's allowed to feel disappointed. it sounds like he did a good job of letting her know that this was important to him and he obviously was doing some extra rides out in the cold to prepare for it. that should have tipped her off to take it a little more seriously or arrange another plan for you guys to ride together part of the way or something.
somewhere along the way the communication broke down.
i do have one question, and if the answer is 'yes', you might have a larger issue: do you resent her sedentary life style?
+1 for the above post
This thread has become an interesting topic between my wife (of 18 yrs) and me this evening. We both agree that you (the OP) should not blame yourself for feeling resentment toward your wife. She is largely at fault for not taking your passion for cycling seriously. You obviously communicated that fact to her, yet she chose to ignore it. Yes, your time together is important like others have said, but YOUR interests should also be important to HER.
My (our) best advice is to be very honest and open with her about this. Tell her now how you are disappointed and even show her your post here on BF! Talking to her about it will help far more than asking for marital advice from a bunch of cycling nuts.:) Letting resentment build will cause much more damage down the road.
Peace
sd790
I am not sd790 but I am writing because I have to tell you as a wife of an avid recreational cyclist, I feel that your wife is punishing you. Perhaps she may be upset with something else and used the ride to get back at you. Just a thought. Her motivation for the ride was so that you would give her attention and not your friend and his girlfriend. If I were to go on a long ride with my husband, you bet I would train for it! The lack of motivation to do so should speak volumes to you. Hope it all works out!
Bean27
I'm coming a little late to this, but wanted to put in my two cents. I don't think you are being a jerk at all. I think your wife was wrong to want to go on this ride when she wasn't in shape to keep up with the pack and being in the pack is most of the fun of a ride like this. She had no right to ruin this ride for you by her lack of preparation. I tend to agree with a previous poster that maybe she was punishing you for something by ruining this for you.
I have never understood why it is so important for some couples to do things together. My wife loves to go to antique malls and thrift shops. I would never dream of going along with her on these outings, because I would constantly be bored and trying to hurry her up and it would ruin it for her. She doesn't ride with me because she likes to ride very, very slow and that drives me crazy. We each do our own thing. We've been married 28 years, and we can tell each other when we want to do some activity alone. That's what makes a marriage - give and take.
So, I'm on your side and think you have every right to be peeved at this situation. Of course, that's just my opinion and I could be wrong.
macro
I dont think you are wrong. You communicated with your wife how important this is for you and probably she under estimated the physical demand of this ride. I only got bikes with my wife last weekend, and we went out riding twice together. She's soo slow, but we had so much fun. We stopped to look at a lot of parts in our neighborhood which we never do, cause we are always driving by in a car. Last night I went out riding alone, and I decided to go at my own pace. What a huge difference. I went a lot faster, did a little off road where the snow melted and really got to keep my heart rate up. Riding at my own pace is challenging and I get a great workout. Riding with my wife is relaxing and fun. If I were planing to do a run with a local club, or some kind of event, and it needed training. I would be open with my wife and explain to her that I think she wont be able to keep up. Its not like I dont want to ride with her, she's a blast but sometimes you need the challenge.
doctordan
Feeling resentful is valid. Your behavior, staying with her, was an act of love. you put her needs ahead of your own.My wife rides at a much more leisurely speed (10 mph) than I like. She will tell me to go ahead, knowing I will find a scenic view and wait for her. Unfortunately she's taken a couple of hard falls after I was beyond shouting distance. So now we ride a tandem. She's sincerely practicing increasing her cadence so she can 'keep up'. We can comfortably cruise the flats at 16 mph and my wife finally made it up the 2 mi hill to our house without stopping to rest :)
BigAus
You are not being a jerk. Sometimes it's good to have separate interests. You can do your fast cycling on your own/with friends and then do your fun rides with her. My wife is sitting next to me and we both agree that you worked hard for the charity ride and you should be able to do it at your own pace. There are plenty of other days in the year to ride with your wife.
Edit: Oops, just noticed this post is a little old. Didn't mean to stir the pot again!
That Guy
...just noticed this post is a little old. Didn't mean to stir the pot again!
HandsomeRyan, how did things shake out anyway? Bitterness, come to terms, went for a ride, women are evil...?
Elusor
Here is an overview of the situation I'm faced with- of course I think my position is a legitimate one but maybe some of you can weigh in on weather I'm being an @$%hole or not...
I am an avid "recreational" cyclist. I try to do at least 60 miles a week, mostly on local greenway trails. I often ride by myself but I have a few friends who come ride with me and a few times a month my wife rides with me as well. I'm not in stellar shape but I do okay for myself. My wife is not in as good of shape as i am in and because she is VERY sedimentary in her choice of lifestyle and only rides 2-3 times a month rather than 2-3 times a week she is also much slower than i am. When we ride together on the greenway trails i always ride slower to stay with her so she doesn't end up riding alone.
Here is the problem-
I, along with 2 mutual friends of ours wanted to sign up for a 60K charity ride this weekend in NC. Of the 2 friends, one is a former bike shop mechanic who raced road and mountain bikes up until a few years ago and is in excellent shape, his girlfriend is similar to me in ability level. She isn't "hardcore" but she can ride a bike at a reasonable pace for 60K without problems.
My wife decided that because the three of us were going, that she wanted to go as well. Fair enough I thought- we decided to do the ride at the beginning of February so I bought my wife a new bike (she was riding a comfort bike, i got her a much nicer hybrid bike) and told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to start training for the ride. My plea's fell on deaf ears. She only went and rode with me about 4 times in the two months leading up to the ride.
Yesterday we showed up at the ride with about 400 other people. Within about 3 miles, my wife and I were so far behind everyone else that the only other bikes I saw were people changing flat tires on the side of the road. The ride ended early because of a massive thunderstorm so we only rode about 20K of the 60K we were planning but as an indicator of how slow we went, several people had completed the 40K loop before we completed our 20K. (people were finishing the 60K loop by the time we got dry clothes on)
My problem is that I am really upset about this. I worked hard and went on rides every week even when it was cold or I had "better things to do" but then on the day of the ride I had to ride in literally last place to keep her company because she was too lazy to train or prepare for the ride. I had told her several times that the ride was important to me and that if she couldn't dedicate the time to preparing for it that she shouldn't go but she insisted that "she would be fine". My friends seemed to have a great time meeting several cyclists and enjoying "being a part of the pack". My ride was miserable and I wished I had not wasted my time showing up for it.
I told my wife how I felt and I think she kind of felt bad, but i feel almost certain that the next time i try to sign up for one of these rides she will want to "try again" to "prove she can do better". I will still ride the local greenways with her a couple times a month but I really don't want to go on another longer-distance charity ride with her.
Am I being a jerk or do I have a right to be upset? If she tries to invite herself along on a future ride should I just tell her no?
I posted this here because it is a "family" issue about "recreational cycling".
Hands, does the biking makes you happy?
TXChick
I'm a wife and I don't think you're necessarily being a jerk. I think what you should have done, though, was to make a deal before the ride. IOW, if she followed a training schedule with you, then you would ride with her no matter how slow; if she didn't train (which she apparently didn't) then you would be free to ride at the pace you trained for.
I think it's awesome that she wants to do something with you, but if that were me, I would never want to hold my husband back. Maybe she doesn't either?
(I also don't think you should discourage her from continuing to ride!)
mustang1
You are being a jerk. As much as it's a PITA to have to go slower, your wife wanted to doing something with you that is important to you. She wanted to share it that important part of your life, and you bascilly told her that she wasn't good enough to share it with you.
Go out and hammer with your friends, but enjoy the ride and go at her pace when you are riding with your wife; not every ride needs to be a race.
If wife wanted to do something that's important and 'together' she should have put the effort into training for it. If something is important to OP, then OP's wife should accept that she can't keep up and actually do something for OP in not taking part. I say the OP has been pretty decent for even letting his wife come along on the 60k.
To OP: it's great that your wife comes with you on the smaller rides. I think you should go ahead and sign up for the next 60k event, and in the meantime, look for some smaller 20k events that both you and wife can take part in.
mustang1
Yes, you're being jerkish. Your wife made an effort to spend time with you doing something you love...so who cares how fast and far you go, enjoy the time spent riding with your wife, not getting all ticked because you couldn't show off your cycling prowess to your friends and a bunch of strangers.
I understand that you wanted to zip along with your friends and complete the ride, but hey, looks like nobody completed the ride...stuff happens, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that. You might have not kept up or finished due to a million other reasons too, mechanicals, crashes, whatever...in this case it was because your wife wanted to spend time with you...I'll take that over a crash any day! Think about it, what is more important to you, spending time with friends or spending time with your wife!
When Cheri rides with me I know that we're not going to hang with the faster groups that I could normally hang with on my own. Oh freakin well, when she's with me I am riding with her, which means we keep to a pace that is comfortable for her so she can enjoy herself, not one that designed to punish her because she has the gall to want to ride with me and prevent me from stroking my own ego by showing off how fast I am.
I'm not trying to flame you or judge you...hey it's your life. I'd just like to suggest that you take a few moments to think about what is really important in your life - something we all tend to loose sight of from time to time when we get 'into' some sport or hobby or career. ;)
Dont get me wrong, I don understand what you're saying about keeping things in perspective and seeing what really is important in life. But... support wife wants to go with OP on every single ride. Her skill will improve, OP's skill will deteriorate. Sure, on one hand you can say wife wants to do things with hubby, but on the other hand hubby's skills would go south and that wouldn't be much fun for him.
SonataInFSharp
You were not being a jerk. She was. This is important to you but she failed to see HOW important.
This wasn't a 4k ride on the greenway. This isn't the type of even to start "showing interest in your interests." Please don't tell me this goes deeper and it is her was of manipulating you into feeling bad for her.
Talus
My wife is training to run marathons. I might run a five K with her this summer. There is no way that she will slow down for me, and I would not expect or want her to. This is also a charity event, so I think it is a similar situation as the OP.