What is the difference between a reflexologist and a percussionist?
A reflexologist bucks up the feet.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One to hold up the lightbulb, and the world revolves around her.
2. One to climb up on the chair, and the rest to kick it out from under her.
How do you know that there's an alto at your door?
She has the wrong key and she doesn't know when to come in.
How do you get two flutists to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one of them.
Why are violas bigger than violins?
Actually, they aren't; they just look that way next to the players' heads.
What is the difference between a terrorist and an organist?
You can, sometimes, negotiate with a terrorist.
What happens when the choir has no tenors?
There is an aching void in the harmony.
What happens whe the choir has too many tenors?
They fill the void.
What is the nicest sound an accordion can make?
When it lands on top of the banjo in the dumpster.
Flier passed out in a neighborhood: "For $50 I will come serenade you on the bagpipes; for $100 I will not serenade you on the bagpipes."
What is the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody crys when choppng up an oboe.
A harpist spends half her time tuning her instrument and the other half playing it out of tune.
Autoharp: zither with training wheels
The BikeForums Team
-adv-
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Flier passed out in a neighborhood: "For $50 I will come serenade you on the bagpipes; for $100 I will not serenade you on the bagpipes."
I gotta print me up some signs. :D
UncleStu
Some good ones there- here's an oldie.
Girls who like to hang out with musicians are called groupies. What do they call guys who hang out with musicians? Drummers.;)
nekohime
Here, some violinist and alto jokes from a violinist/alto :p
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
No one cares if you spill beer on a fiddle.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
The more you practice the violin, the less it sounds like a fiddle.
Why is a violin like a vampire?
It sleeps in cases, leaves marks on your neck, screeches, and melts in direct sunlight.
Why do violinists put a cloth on their instrument?
Because violins don't have spit valves.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Alto: a soprano who can sight-read.
Mezzo-soprano: an alto who can't sight-read.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they can't get that high.
What is the difference between an alto and a tenor?
One has boobs. It's not the alto.
Why do altos use a lot of vibrato?
To hide the fact that they're never on pitch.
If you throw a violinist and an alto off a cliff, which one lands first?
The alto; the violinist floats because he's full of hot air.
Tom Stormcrowe
Bass Player Jokes
Q - How do you confuse a bassist?
A - Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - One, but the guitarist has to show him first
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - One. Five. One. Five.
Q - Why do bands have bass players?
A - To translate for the drummer.
Q - Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A - It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Q - Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?
A - The lead guitarist turned a string and wouldn't say which one.
Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A - None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.
Q - What's the definition of a bass player?
A - Halfway between a drummer and a musician.
Q - Why do bands have bass players?
A - To translate for the drummer.
Q - How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A - Pay for the pizza.
Q - What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?
A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.
Q - What's the difference between a bass player and a Duracell battery?
A - The Duracell battery has a good life.
Q - Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A - Even a virus has some pride. http://www.users.bigpond.com/prodigalson/images/New.gif
daredevil
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
pyeyo
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?....................................Homeless!
pyeyo
[might be a repost]
As the band is getting ready to play their first huge venue the promoter brings a psychic on stage for the audience warmup to read the band's minds. After reading the lead guitarist's thoughts, she said "look at all those hot chicks in the front row, wow, this is going to be wild" Next up the drummer, 'look at all these people, we can finally pay off our instruments and sock some money away. And finally the bass player " C...D...C...D....."
Elkhound
A man went on vacation on a tropical island. The island was beautiful, the food was good, the accomodations were comfortable, but there was one problem---constant drumming. The man asked everyone when the drumming would stop, and the only answer was, "Very bad when drumming stop; not want drumming to stop." Finally he said to one of the natives, "OK, I get that it is bad when the drumming stops, but what exactly happens if the drumming stops?" With a look of total horror, the man whispered, "BASS SOLO!"
Elkhound
The ultimate picture of optimism: a bagpiper playing a beeper.
HardyWeinberg
How do you tell if the stage is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
HardyWeinberg
What's the difference between a roadkill armadillo and a trombone player lying dead in the road?
The armadillo might have been on his way to a gig.
What do you call a trombone player with a beeper?
An optimist.
What do you call it when you throw an accordion in the dumpster and it lands on a trombone?
Perfect pitch.
BenLi
Before a performance, a conductor was joking about one of his musicians, "He just couldn't keep a pitch, and simply couldn't play an instrument. So we gave him two sticks and made him the percussionist!"
A voice yelled out from the back, "When he couldn't even do that, they took one stick away and made him the conductor!"
DTSCDS
Where do bass players store their basses between gigs?
Pawn shops
jan12
it need some special place?
jefferee
Scotland's gift to the world....
The bagpipes--and both tunes that go with them.
Elkhound
Attributed to Garrison Kiellor:
The Stoning of the Organist---
And it came to pass in those days when Paul was at Corinth, he and certain disciples came upon a mob which was about to stone an organist.
And Paul said unto them, "What then hath been done unto thee that this head should be so bruised?"
And the people cried out with one voice. "The player of instruments hath played too loudly."
Yea, in the singing of the psalms, verily maketh our heads ring as if they were beaten with hammers and great rocks.
Behold, the one who sitteth on high, and mighty are the pipes and mighty is the noise thereof. And though there be few of us below the organist, nonetheless, playeth with all the stops. Yea, with the Assyrian trumpet stop, and the stop of the ram's horn, and the terrible stop that soundeth like the sawing of stone and we cannot hear the words that cometh out of our mouths.
Yea, and also forever he tosseth in variations that confuse and rattle us mightily, and always playeth in a fast, forward-moving tempo so that we hath not time to catch our breath as we sing.
"Lo, it is a plague upon the faith and should be chastised."
Paul, hearing this, had himself picked up a small stone and was about to cast it but in deep thought he set it down again and bade the organist come forward.
The musician was good looking and fair-haired with a demeanor of great sagacity and determined independence.
And Paul said unto the one who maketh the music, "Why hath thou so abused thy brethren, playing so loudly and especially playing the damnable variations?
And the organist replied, "I cannot hear them singing from where I sit and, therefore, played the louder to encourage them, and I played the variations for their amusement and for their creative spirits."
And Paul turned unto the mob and proclaimed loudly, "Let those who have never played the organ, cast the first stone."
And they all threw their stones for a while until their arms grew tired.
Paul bade the organist repent of playing so very loudly, and playing so of often the variations and also playing the stop that soundeth like the sawing of stone, and the organist promised so to do.
And Paul said unto the sinner, "Thou shalt take up thy flute and play it forthirty days softly, and with no variations and with no ugly stops thatsound like the sawing of stone to cleanse they spirit."
And afterward, Paul and the disciples and the people and the organist all returned unto Corinth and sang psalms and hymns unaccompanied and without variations and ate great quantities of cassaroles to keep them refreshed in faith.
St. Paul's letter to the Sonorissollonians
evan_phi
What's the difference between a bass player and couch?
A couch can support a family. :D
yes. i am a bass player.
jim10040
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola holds more beer.
Why is the German word for Viola Bratsche? That's the sound it makes when you break it.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.