Jokes & Humor - Kids Say the Darndest Things!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliancesof old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

Children's Science Exam Answers.
These are real answers given by children. (I wouldn't doubt that some were answered by 4th graders.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit,
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you are after you be eight..

I was driving my 5 year old daughter to kindergarten a few weeks ago and she asked, "Daddy, what do you do? I know you help people save money."
"Honey, I'm a financial advisor and I help people save money for their retirement and for their kids education and things like that. We use something called investments."
"What are investments Daddy?"
I proceeded to do my best to explain what investments are. After my explaination she looked at me very seriously and said, "Daddy, I guess I'll have to be six to understand what you do."

Years ago, I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Angela, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "Aha! I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the 'tooth fairy', was putting the money under her pillow, but her next words let me off the hook completely.

"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"

UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," our daughter replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife told her.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

As always MsVicki :roflmao:

A typical kid question!

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit,
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

HAHAHA :roflmao: That's good. What kind of sadist would put thse kinds of q's on a 4graders test?! I don't even think I heard of those by 4th grade. Mabey I'm deprived

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DAN (age4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.
How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

True story:

I taught 3rd grade a few years ago, and in my school district, 3rd graders get a week of swimming lessons.

I was walking with my class to the district pool next door and talking with the kids as we walked. I told them how lucky I thought they were to be able to have swimming lessons. I said, "We didn't get these when I was a kid."

One of my boys looked very serious and asked, "Swimming wasn't invented?"

True story: I taught 3rd grade a few years ago, and in my school district, 3rd graders get a week of swimming lessons.


Wow, what a great idea. Swimming lessons in Vancouver, WA. (Nice place, by the way)

You would think they would have this in So Cal. There would be a lot fewer tragedies.

Can you believe it? Swimming lessons in Vancouver, of all places. :)

It is a good idea, but it's only one week. If they don't know how to swim already, unfortunately they won't learn in that week.