"The 33"-Road Bike Racing - Help me not suck... grovel, grovel.

I've ridden once this year, on a bike I borrowed from my sister. I rode 3km from our home to the DQ and back with an average speed of...well I don't really know but it seemed really fast.

I am 50 lbs overweight and a chain smoker. I've recently kicked my heroin addiction and I'm feeling better that I've felt in weeks but I really want to feel like I did when I did speed in high school.

I'd like to win Nationals and go to the Olympics in China. Can anyone help me with a training plan?

I also work 60 hours a week and have 12 children to feed so I only have 1.5 hours to train per week.

Is this possible?

Not at all, but the Self Loathing Potential is unlimited.

YES!!

for just 1.5 hours a week, even YOU can be a domestic pro!!

My Pro Cyclist in a Month kit is only $17,999.99 if you order now!

You get the Cervelo with Zipps, cool uniform thingies, a helmet, 3 bottles of Test, some HGH, the 2 month EPO supply and my own pattented monkeycum-electrolyte powder, a Pro Cyclist in month exclusive!!

order NOW and I'll throw in 3 bottles of BullS!ht and a pair of matching gloves!

Only $17,999.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, WRI™ are all you need. Start with 10/day (4-minute recovery), and move up to 15 or so when you feel good.

On your easy days, start with a never-ending WRI™: when the minute is up, just keep going. Every pedal stroke as hard as possible. Do this for 90 to 120 minutes, never letting up. Your average power should end up around 3W. Easy day.

This program goes through chains really fast, so buy some extras now.

(EJ, how much do I owe you so far for the '™' ?")

Yeah, WRI™ are all you need. Start with 10/day (4-minute recovery), and move up to 15 or so when you feel good.

On your easy days, start with a never-ending WRI™: when the minute is up, just keep going. Every pedal stroke as hard as possible. Do this for 90 to 120 minutes, never letting up. Your average power should end up around 3W. Easy day.

This program goes through chains really fast, so buy some extras now.



yes, but how much does this WRI programme cost?

is it less than $17,999.99??

....how much do chains cost?

um...did I mention I was on a limited budget? I've got maybe 10 or 20 dollars to spend.

Can I get a sponsorship?

I would say go to the wind tunnel, but since you don't have much money, hire someone to drive a van while you spin on rollers strapped to the top. Have him go 30mph and track his gas mileage for different positions. Try to do as many different positions as you can for the gas money you are paying.

Note: Avoid dirt roads and low bridges/tunnels. It really messes with the results if you fall off the rollers.

I would say go to the wind tunnel, but since you don't have much money, hire someone to drive a van while you spin on rollers strapped to the top. Have him go 30mph and track his gas mileage for different positions. Try to do as many different positions as you can for the gas money you are paying.

Note: Avoid dirt roads and low bridges/tunnels. It really messes with the results if you fall off the rollers.

I've got an uncle with a truck. Hot damn!

Does it matter if we use cheaper gas?

I've ridden once this year, on a bike I borrowed from my sister. I rode 3km from our home to the DQ and back with an average speed of...well I don't really know but it seemed really fast.

I am 50 lbs overweight and a chain smoker. I've recently kicked my heroin addiction and I'm feeling better that I've felt in weeks but I really want to feel like I did when I did speed in high school.

I'd like to win Nationals and go to the Olympics in China. Can anyone help me with a training plan?

I also work 60 hours a week and have 12 children to feed so I only have 1.5 hours to train per week.

Is this possible?

Yes...here take a toke off this here bong and you'll feel much more optimistic - and probably want to run out and buy a fixie.

I've ridden once this year, on a bike I borrowed from my sister.

Hold it right there. That is your main problem. You cannot possibly ride competitively without the latest, most expensive, equipment.

Get a camera and take photos of local bike races, then keep making threads about how one day you are finally going to race.

I feel this is your best recipe for success.

Yes...here take a toke off this here bong and you'll feel much more optimistic - and probably want to run out and buy a fixie.

If nothing else it'll help him get on his bike and make more of those 3K trips to the DQ.....

yes, but how much does this WRI programme cost?

is it less than $17,999.99??

....how much do chains cost?

It's free for the first three rides.

You can steal chains at the local university. Chain break will run you $7.50. I'll send you a WRI™ branded chain break for only $10 more ($9.50 of that is for EJ payoff)

Get a camera and take photos of local bike races, then keep making threads about how one day you are finally going to race.

I feel this is your best recipe for success.

And then take pictures of your massive guads and post them here. Find a few weekend tourists on your ride and drope the hamer on them.

And then take pictures of your massive guads and post them here. Find a few weekend tourists on your ride and drope the hamer on them.

What's a hamer and why would I drope it?

I'm not even sure I have guads. Do they hurt? Can you get rid of them?

You're freakin hopeless...you'll make a great coach.

Intervals. Lots of them...

Equipment: remember "More is More". It's all about the bike

Diet - Get back on the heroin it'll take the edge of you appetite. Also, if you're aiming for China then increase your smoking at once

Training - Not much to change here. 3km is plenty. Remember over training leads to burn out. Spend at least an hour of the one and a half hour with your feet up. Make sure you get a HRM, you need to make sure you maintain resting heart rate for the hour.

I get to Beijing on 7th August, I'll see you ther

Equipment: remember "More is More". It's all about the bike

Diet - Get back on the heroin it'll take the edge of you appetite. Also, if you're aiming for China then increase your smoking at once

Training - Not much to change here. 3km is plenty. Remember over training leads to burn out. Spend at least an hour of the one and a half hour with your feet up. Make sure you get a HRM, you need to make sure you maintain resting heart rate for the hour.

I get to Beijing on 7th August, I'll see you ther

Hot damn! Sounds like a plan.

I'll see you there.