Living Car Free - Man Won't Marry Car Free Woman

This article from Dear Abby really angered me to no end. Here's a guy that won't marry his long time girlfriend of three years because she's afraid to drive! His reason is that her being car free will be too much of a hard ship on the relationship so he refused to give her an engagement ring. On top of this, Dear Abby gave her the wrong advice by requesting she seek a mental health professional so she can buy a motor car and live happly ever after. This is INSANE!

It's the first time I've ever heard a man leaving a woman who choose to be car free because it's usually the other way around. However, if "Wade" is willing to dump her over a car, then she's better off without him. If it's not a car this time, it will be some other "hardship" that will make him split. Dear Abby should have told the woman to cut her loss and move on.

Folks, there are plenty of men and women out there that don't want to drive. Include me in that group and I'm not a woman because it's flat out dangerous to drive on todays highways with cars speeding like there's no tomorrow. I won't drive to work even if I had a car and I don't need a mental professional because it's a quality of life issue. I consider driving a hardship, not the other way around.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
By Abigail Van Buren
Sat May 3, 7:59 PM ET

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.

After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.

Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20080503/lf_ucda/womanwhosafraidtodrivehitsthebrakesonengagement;_ylt=Alz.SBV1AJoQLufDPrAa3vZxFb8C

His loss is somebody else's gain.

Now the answer is the problem. Driving IS dangerous, you should be scared of it (43,000 dead last year would agree).

wade has it made in the shade.
it would have been troublesome hauling her around for the rest of his life due to her irrational fears.
she needs a checkup from the neck up for her PTSD issues.

I don't know if she's so much "choosing" to be car-free as she is staying out of the driver's seat to avoid a complete mental breakdown.

There are people who go car-free to make a political statement, save gas money, or just because they can. They're the "choosers".

I agree with Abby in that Heartbroken does need some sort of counseling, even if she doesn't end up driving anyway (Abby doesn't actually recommend her to buy a car, either). She's going to have to sit in cars sometime, and even as a passenger, she's got to be pretty frightened when she does.

I wouldn't take offense. It's very common to get counseling for childhood traumas; this one just happens to be related to driving.

Still...

The guy could have embraced the fears and PTSD she has and help her through it by getting her to some help and (emotionally) supporting her.

Still...

The guy could have embraced the fears and PTSD she has and help her through it by getting her to some help and (emotionally) supporting her.

Definitely true; I'm not saying that setting such an ultimatum was a good thing.

Actually, since he gave that ultimatum rather than offering to help, I'd say she's better off without him anyway.

Yeah, I think she should get help just for her sanity. And if she really loved him, it's worth it to make SOMETHING work. I'm all for picking the statistically safe conclusion of avoiding driving, but she shouldn't live with PTSD.

I think car-free outrage is misplaced in this situation. This poor woman cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be reasonably called car-free. She has a mental health issue that needs to be addressed, which is not nearly the same thing as voluntarily choosing to live without a car; Abby gave her good advice on that count. However, I think Wade is most likely an idiot and a loser, to judge from his ultimatum, so she's probably better off without him anyway. Had she only come to LCF for advice, we would have set her straight, I'm sure, but, since she likely hasn't been on a bike since 5th grade, that would be asking a bit much.

wade is as smooth as suede for regaining his life. she needs to get a handle on her problems pronto.

wrong advice on her part; although she probably could use some councilling for her fears (nothing wrong with seeing a therapist I think). the aim of the advice is wrong; to try to get back some guy that gave her an _ultimatum_ (in her words) is crazy. Not any mention of the guy being in the wrong _at all_. If she'd give in to the driving issue, what's next?

Regardless of the relationship outcome, she should seek professional help to deal with something so traumatic that it prevents her from doing something.

And the guy is a ******, but flip it around and if it was the guy who didn't drive and the wife who said it would be a hardship, it would be wholly condoned by society that she wouldn't marry him.

Actually I think both of them would benefit from some counseling...

Aaron:)

Sounds like she certainly could benefit from counseling, but that doesn't mean Wade is not a d!ck.

If she got bit by a rattlesnake, and then had a fear of holding rattlesnakes, nobody would pathologize it and chalk it up to PTSD.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be afraid of traveling in cars, as they are the most dangerous transportation mode.

I don't know if she's so much "choosing" to be car-free as she is staying out of the driver's seat to avoid a complete mental breakdown.

There are people who go car-free to make a political statement, save gas money, or just because they can. They're the "choosers".

I agree with Abby in that Heartbroken does need some sort of counseling, even if she doesn't end up driving anyway (Abby doesn't actually recommend her to buy a car, either). She's going to have to sit in cars sometime, and even as a passenger, she's got to be pretty frightened when she does.

I wouldn't take offense. It's very common to get counseling for childhood traumas; this one just happens to be related to driving.

Counselling, yes. PTSD and other anxiety disorders have a habit of growing and creeping out beyond the original stressor, and that can cause significant problems in life. BUT - Wade sounds like an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance. Issuing an ultimatum like that, based on HIS convenience rather than her distress? Oh hell no. :mad:

I did not learn to drive until I was 26. My partner never said a word, because he knew I would learn when I was ready (and I always got myself where I needed to go by bus or bike, so it was only when we were going somewhere together anyway that he drove). I still prefer not to drive, because I hate trying to find parking and I can't enjoy the journey as I do on the bike.

BUT - Wade sounds like an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance. Issuing an ultimatum like that, based on HIS convenience rather than her distress? Oh hell no. :mad:

Right, which is why I said as much in my followup post.

The only justification that I can see is if she would need to do things where she needed a car while he was off at work. I think that my mom put most of the miles on the car during the first ten years that my parents were together -- Dad usually rode the bus to & from work.

Buuuuut.... every couple is different and living in a different situation.

My mom didn't start driving until after my sister was born in 1968 (they were married in 1958) and even then it was very limited. Then about 4 years later she stopped driving due to an illness and didn't drive again until 1977. We shopped using taxi cabs, we walked a lot of places, I cycled many more and brought things home from the store in my front basket on my Western Flyer.

Aaron:)

I always read these "Dear Abby" columns - for a good laugh. The kind of letters you get there are ridiculous - they must be making at least some of them up. And some of the responses are even better... "better" as in "worse", and hence more hilarious.

I always read these "Dear Abby" columns - for a good laugh. The kind of letters you get there are ridiculous - they must be making at least some of them up. And some of the responses are even better... "better" as in "worse", and hence more hilarious.

Almost as hilarious as some of the rants, trolls and responses on BF, eh? :)

Almost as hilarious as some of the rants, trolls and responses on BF, eh? :)


Indeed. I'm writing a book about some of the trolls here.

East Hill

Funny story, if true. Ah yes, love; stronger than time eternal ...or thereabout. I know a carless guy who exclusively lives with girls who have cars who will give him rides to work, etc. No car - no interest.

As for Dear Abby, remember that she is from the cigarettes and gin generation. She probably still has books of S&H Greenstamps she collected when buying gasoline for 30 cents per gallon. You can't fault her for thinking that a person who doesn't want to drive must be crazy. (is Dear Abby still alive?)

http://texashideout.tripod.com/green_stamps.jpg http://www.oobgolf.com/data/images/l/q/i/4664005f1c25b.jpg

Mike,
AFAIK Dear Abby no longer writes the column...I think it is one of her daughters that is doing it now.

Aaron:)

Indeed. I'm writing a book about some of the trolls here.

East Hill

"For whom the belle trolls....."

"For whom the belle trolls....."

:eek::cry::roflmao:

Aaron:)

Driving... dangerous? so is skydiving, bridge jumping, anddddd biking! Doesnt stop anyone from doing it, life only lasts a little while, i see a lot of people whining on here like theyre from the 1600's. You live in a world of cars and the pavement you bike on was not put there for biking it was put there for cars. Her fear really is a mental dissorder and should be taken care of.

Mike,
AFAIK Dear Abby no longer writes the column...I think it is one of her daughters that is doing it now.

Aaron:)

Yes, you are correct. I sat next to Abby Vanburen and her daughter Jeanne on a flight to California a couple of years ago. The elderly Abigaile seemed to be pretty dependant on her daughter for even the most basic of needs. Kind of sad, but at the same time, nice to see she had family taking care of her. She was old then. I wonder if she is still around.

This is a photo of Jeanne, but she too looks a little older in real life:
http://images.amuniversal.com/ups/features/dearabby/phillips_jeanne.jpg

I don't drive because of an irrational thinking. I am 41 and won't drive for any reason. I am in her shoes and it sucks. Sometimes I get so fed up with my disorder I want to commit suicide. Someday I will.

I don't drive because of an irrational thinking. I am 41 and won't drive for any reason. I am in her shoes and it sucks. Sometimes I get so fed up with my disorder I want to commit suicide. Someday I will. If you're not afraid of suicide, you shouldn't be afraid of anything.

If you're not afraid of suicide, you shouldn't be afraid of anything.

Indeed!

Easily said by someone who isn't suffering.

Easily said by someone who isn't suffering.

True that, white feather. Our prayers are with you.

Driving... dangerous? Her fear really is a mental disorder and should be taken care of.

The poor woman witnessed a car crash. She was not even involved in it. I realize how disquieting that can be. As a youth I watched a man crash and burn to death at the 1966 Sebring Grand Prix. I was also a passenger in a freeway traffic accident in 1968 (read poorly handling car, metal dashboard and no seatbelts). But that didn't instill an irrational fear as that young lady has. For her own peace of mind, she needs to get over it.

I think that most of the people who are car-free have taken a bit more thoughtful journey to being car-free. It's logic, not compulsive fear.

Now, after she gets over her fears and still wants to be car-free, then she would probably fit well in here.

I don't drive because of an irrational thinking. I am 41 and won't drive for any reason. I am in her shoes and it sucks. Sometimes I get so fed up with my disorder I want to commit suicide. Someday I will.


Have you sought treatment or attempted to overcome it yourself?

People can have all sorts of phobias like fear of snakes, airplanes or heights, however it's considered perfectly fine to live with those. When was the last time you heard someone afraid of skydiving told to get professional help? Never.

However, when someone has a fear of driving, now they need to seek a high priced shrink who can medicate them back to health. After all, motoring is so important and necessary that you need this essential survival skill! Nonsense.

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars to get rid of her motorcar phobia anymore than if she was suffering from a fear of spiders. It's perfectly normal to be afraid of driving and this fear may in fact be saving her life! Supposed the treatment doesn't work and she suffers a panic attack at 70 mph? The last thing the world needs is another dangerous driver on the road.

Think about it. Her car free life style kept her from marrying a mistake of boyfriend by exposing his true self!

People can have all sorts of phobias like fear of snakes, airplanes or heights, however it's considered perfectly fine to live with those. When was the last time you heard someone afraid of skydiving told to get professional help? Never.

That's because skydiving has no practical use -- it's only a recreational activity, so nobody "needs" to skydive. Snakes don't matter (I haven't seen one in ages anyway). There are counseling programs for people who are afraid of flying because, really, many people do need to fly at one time or another.

Some people still need to drive, though; more people than need to fly, I'd say. And again, even if she never drives, she'd benefit from some help just so that she can breathe easier as a passenger.


Think about it. Her car free life style kept her from marrying a mistake of boyfriend by exposing his true self!

That's true.

I still can't say that she has a "car free lifestyle", because that word implies that it's a choice -- but she's just too terrified to even think of choosing to drive. It's not a choice for her.

(I have a particular annoyance with the word "lifestyle" because of how often it's used to denigrate gays... but that's just me, and doesn't really apply to the topic of this thread at all)

People can have all sorts of phobias like fear of snakes, airplanes or heights, however it's considered perfectly fine to live with those. When was the last time you heard someone afraid of skydiving told to get professional help? Never.

However, when someone has a fear of driving, now they need to seek a high priced shrink who can medicate them back to health. After all, motoring is so important and necessary that you need this essential survival skill! Nonsense.

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars to get rid of her motorcar phobia anymore than if she was suffering from a fear of spiders. It's perfectly normal to be afraid of driving and this fear may in fact be saving her life! Supposed the treatment doesn't work and she suffers a panic attack at 70 mph? The last thing the world needs is another dangerous driver on the road.

Think about it. Her car free life style kept her from marrying a mistake of boyfriend by exposing his true self!

Once again, it must be forcefully stated: an uncontrollable, irrational fear of driving a car is not a life style. There is no choice involved. It is a mental health issue. One's personal dislike of cars doesn't mean that a complete phobia against driving should be heartily approved of. Just because I don't like spiders doesn't mean that I think that a person who is irrationally afraid of them is just fine; in my book, they should still get some help. What if a person was completely terrified at the very idea of riding a bike in traffic? Would you as easily approve of their bike-free lifestyle?

I've been thinking about this... I don't mean to sound snarky, and I'm not singling anyone out, but in general, would the people in this thread who are saying "she should try to get over it" say the same thing if the young lady could not drive because of a physical illness or a neurological disorder like epilepsy?

It seems that people's response to mental health issues, particularly anxiety-related ones, too often falls on the side of either making light of the situation (minimising the problem), or viewing the difficulty as some sort of moral failing (just not trying hard enough).

Dear Abby missed the mark. The young lady's fears and anxieties were not the issue. Her boyfriend's intolerance was. He focused on one aspect of life and failed to support someone he claimed to care about. That's just about unforgivable in my eyes. And then when the girl writes to an advice columnist, she gets told to get over her fear, which puts the focus back on HER and invalidates her distress. She basically got told she was at fault, because if she was normal and could drive, her boyfriend would still be around.

Now imagine that scenario if she said "because I was physically injured in a childhood car accident and now I can't drive, he thinks I would be a burden." Any decent person would be appalled at such behaviour. Why is it different?

(I'll stay away from that nonsense about "taking him for a little spin to a jeweler's"- !?? Yes, because it doesn't matter if the guy's an emotionally blackmailing son of a seacook, if you make him happy, he'll buy you something shiny and you're all set! Frigging antediluvian attitude... sorry, my third wave feminism is showing)

The poor woman witnessed a car crash. She was not even involved in it. I realize how disquieting that can be. As a youth I watched a man crash and burn to death at the 1966 Sebring Grand Prix. I was also a passenger in a freeway traffic accident in 1968 (read poorly handling car, metal dashboard and no seatbelts). But that didn't instill an irrational fear as that young lady has. For her own peace of mind, she needs to get over it.

I think that most of the people who are car-free have taken a bit more thoughtful journey to being car-free. It's logic, not compulsive fear.

Now, after she gets over her fears and still wants to be car-free, then she would probably fit well in here.

Only if she becomes obsessed with hating cars and their drivers. And whining endlessly over oil supplies and prices.

I've been thinking about this... I don't mean to sound snarky, and I'm not singling anyone out, but in general, would the people in this thread who are saying "she should try to get over it" say the same thing if the young lady could not drive because of a physical illness or a neurological disorder like epilepsy?

It seems that people's response to mental health issues, particularly anxiety-related ones, too often falls on the side of either making light of the situation (minimising the problem), or viewing the difficulty as some sort of moral failing (just not trying hard enough).



I think the people who are allegedly saying 'she should try to get over it' - and I write "allegedly" because I don't find those words in this thread - would suggest, if the woman had a physical illness, that she seek treatment for it. Just as they are suggesting she do for her mental illness.

(I'll stay away from that nonsense about "taking him for a little spin to a jeweler's"- !?? Yes, because it doesn't matter if the guy's an emotionally blackmailing son of a seacook, if you make him happy, he'll buy you something shiny and you're all set! Frigging antediluvian attitude... sorry, my third wave feminism is showing)

:thumb:

My exact thoughts. If she wants to get over her fear she should do it for herself then forget about "Wade."

I wouldnt mary her either, she probably would want to be driven everywhere. Thats an endless pain in the ass.

Easily said by someone who isn't suffering. Everybody is suffering, that's the nature of the human condition; just not necessarily from the same thing as you.

Your problem, while, no doubt, unpleasant, is not anything that's causing you constant pain and suffering. It is foolish to kill yourself over such a thing. Either get treatment or decide you just won't drive, and structure your life so that you don't have to.