Foo - I need love advice

I'm a somewhat long-time member of the bike forums and have a lot of respect for all the intelligent answers I get. Every once in a while, I get to weigh in too. This question is embarrassing though, so I went and made a whole new profile just so that I could avoid the embarrassment. Despite that, any help would be GREATLY appreciated. This problem is eating away at my general relaxation. On the good side, the stress is causing me to bike hardcore just to blow off some steam.

Here it is:

I am 30-years old. My girlfriend and I have been in a slow-moving relationship for about 3 years. Sometimes I am afraid it peaked too early and I wonder if we can make it last or not. I am losing interest but she is not. She especially loves being around my family.

Recently, my brother met her best friend and the two of them hit it off and began a whirlwind relationship. In other words, they are moving fast. I asked him not to pursue her because of the extra pain it would cause my current girlfriend if we break up. He hasn't stopped.

Imagine it for a minute: I break up with my girlfriend and she has to live with her best friend continuing to be a part of my family's life. She also has to live with him showing up with her best friend at social gatherings forever. That's got to be salt in the wound. It might not seem like a big deal at first blush, but if you stop to think about it, it would cause my girlfriend a lot of pain in the long run.

Now I feel like I can't break up with her without subjecting her to that cruel circumstance. And when we (my girlfriend and I) run into them (my brother and my girlfriend's best friend) at social gatherings among my girlfriend's friends I get pissed off and really just want to leave.

My question is: Am I wrong to be so pissed off at my brother? There is a little more to the story but I figured it was confusing enough as it is.

Like I said, any help, insults, anything would be helpful. Is it all in my head? Am I somehow being petty? I don't know.

Have a great day everyone.

I asked him not to pursue her because of the extra pain it would cause my current girlfriend if we break up.

This is a huge warning that you need to heed. If you're thinking about what happens after a breakup, then you're already on the wrong path.

Don't tell your brother who he can and can't see. It's up to your future ex-girlfriend to deal with their relationship. Don't sabotage it for your own perceived needs and wants.

Stop worrying about "the breakup" and get it over with. She'll find another guy's family to hang out with.

You joined in May 2008. You are not a long time member. I never give love advice, sorry. BTW, I know the perfect solution, but I NEVER give love advice.

Yup, what they said. If you want out, get out. You both deserve to be happy. She will find someone else & move on, although the middle part will suck lots.

It will be hard & weird for your ex at first. Maybe the best friend will break up with your brother, or they will stop being friends, but really, that isn't your concern.

If you want out, do it now - the rest of it isn't yours to worry about (although cudos to you for caring enough about her to think about all that).

Stop being a nanny. Your brother can date who he wants. Your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend will get over it.

Anyway, is she (the soon-to-be ex) hot? My family's pretty fun to hang out with and both my brothers are in serious relationships...

Yeah I actually made this profile today just so that I could ask this question anonymously. Jsharr, I understand you not wanting to give relationship advice, that seems like a good rule of thumb (although given that, it's a little weird that you posted at all).

To the rest of you, thanks for the help. I really needed some advice. I guess it always seems like the end of the world to the person involved, and it's only strangers with a little bit of objectivity that can help.

Sock puppet! Sock puppet!!!

Is that you, MERTON? How's it goin', man?

Yeah man, I think she's hot. I'll probably be hard up, given my advanced age of 30, to find one hotter. But somehow over the years our personalities clicked as friends to me, and more to her. It's really inexplicable. Feels like my little sister now. Besides, she's a climber, I'm a biker. We exercise at cross purposes.

30's not old, you weener.

I'm still buddies with an ex. So it's possible that this won't always be a weird situation.

Jsharr you crack me up!!:lol:

If you don't break up with her cause your worried she can't handle it, then your only going to hurt her more. 3 years and your not feeling it. Time to move on!

Don't worry about your brother and his girl. Just be happy that they are happy. :)

How did you pull that off?

Like I said, any help, insults, anything would be helpful.


Yeah I actually made this profile today just so that I could ask this question anonymously. Jsharr, I understand you not wanting to give relationship advice, that seems like a good rule of thumb (although given that, it's a little weird that you posted at all).


I was only doing what you asked.

True Jsharr, I appreciate the post.

How did you pull that off?
Kind of like what you have in your situation, we had mutual friends. It was either get over any hangups we have, or stop seeing our friends. The decision was pretty easy.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to jump her bones. But that pretty much goes for every woman I hang out with.

Sock puppet! Sock puppet!!!

Is that you, MERTON? How's it goin', man?

Nah, not Merton. Too many capitals.


I won't comment till you tell me who you are. :notamused:

yeah, i can't stress enough how important it is NOT to try to squesh someone else's relationship. your brother is family and you're stuck with him forever. if they do end up lasting you'll always be remembered as someone who stood in the way. that kind of resent is not good.

if they do end up lasting you'll always be remembered as someone who stood in the way. that kind of resent is not good.
Yeah. You should probably go apologize to your brother for being such a *****.

You should probably go apologize to your brother for being such a *****.
This is the kind of thought and insight that I was looking for when I reached out to you guys!

Yeah man, I think she's hot. I'll probably be hard up, given my advanced age of 30, to find one hotter. But somehow over the years our personalities clicked as friends to me, and more to her. It's really inexplicable. Feels like my little sister now. Besides, she's a climber, I'm a biker. We exercise at cross purposes.

She's a climber? Well that will never do.

Where do you live? I need a girlfriend.

Yeah. You should probably go apologize to your brother for being such a *****.

which one is the ***** again? Dang, now I gotta go watch DeMetri Martin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcwfdFT1ohE&feature=related)on youtube, just to check on some data.

If you want to break up with her, do it already. If you do it in a respectful, honest manner and apologize to your brother for what you said (unless you two already came to an understanding about it), then you have a good chance at preserving a friendship.

Best thing you can do is cut her loose and apologize to your brother

kill your brother

kill your girlfriend

kill his girlfriend too, then commit suicide

kill your brother
kill your girlfriend
kill his girlfriend too, then commit suicideYep, I think that'll just about do it.

Doood - you can tell your brother not to date an ex but that's pushing it (unless it's really soon after). That's it. (Now, if there's another reason you didn't want him to (he's a womanizer, he's abusive, he's a player) than put that into the mix.) I once dated a good friend's ex sorta soon after they broke up. I asked him first when the interest seemed mutual and he said if he was compatible with his friends and he was compatible with his gf but not enough than it would make sense his friends and gf would get along and perhaps would be that much better of a match. I'd expand that to siblings as well but it's a very mature and grounded philosophy that's hard to live by but ultimately still a good one to strive for.

Personally she may like your family more than you (there was an ex that that was true for me - I LOVED her family and her family outings) and so the situation may turn out great for her. I was going to recommend some ways of trying to rekindle but it sounds like you're one foot out the door - give her a chance to find someone else that will want her as much as she wants them.

Yeah - the breakup part will suck. Yeah, she may avoid going to certain outings or you may. But ya know what - woman are mysterious. They probably don't even know what will and won't make them happy. I had one ex who suddenly wanted to get to know my gf whenever she saw her. Strange for me (and a little for my girl) but that allowed her to be at peace - I guess a part figured that my girl's pretty cool and she could understand us together (an upgrade vs a downgrade). All this is to say - who are you to know exactly what she'll want or won't want after the breakup? Don't think for other people - you'll get it wrong every time ;)

You probably know this but it's a certainty that someday she'll know what you told your brother especially if his relationship continues. Don't argue - it will happen. Knowing that would you want her to know that you told him right before you broke up with her or a year before you broke up with her. Now of course if you rekindle your feelings and live happily ever after that's awesome - but you don't sound extremely optimistic in that result.

kill his girlfriend too, then commit suicide



maybe he would be better off if he were to fake his own suicide instead? .. Seriously, do like that famous author Virginia Woolfe did - when she filled her pockets with rocks and then walked straight into the ocean... only, don't use real rocks like she did. (That part is tremendously important btw).

Tell her you're only interested in booty calls.

Your brother probably isn't dating that woman just to make your life more complicated. If he is, He's going to keep doing it to piss you off. If he's not, then he's going to keep doing it even if it pisses you off. Either way, he is his own person making his own decisions for his own reasons. Asking him not to be with someone he has an interest in for your benefit probably isn't the best thing to do. Maybe asking him not to invite you out if your girlfriend/future ex will be there is more appropriate.

Your first paragraph describes my situation except in my case, we both have lost interest and neither will admit it to the other. To complicate matters, her family seems to like me more than they like her. She irritates them as well. Add to that the fact that all of a sudden she was living with me 2 months into the relationship. I really didn't realize what was happening at the time. She's more interested in her Ex's than me, except for the fact that with me she gets treated relatively well and has a place to stay other than her mom's.

My advice to you is follow your feelings. If you aren't happy with your relationship, do something about it. If it's not something you can fix, allow both yourself and her to grow. Continuing this way will only breed resentment.

Do what you need to do before you end up like me. I haven't had the guts to be honest about my feelings, or fading thereof and now the right girl is right in front of me and I can't be with her because I'm too strong of a person to cheat, yet too weak of a person to have stood up for myself and gotten out of an unhealthy relationship.

Really think and feel what it will be like to not talk to your GF if you break up. I broke up with my GF thinking I would go out and meet some new great person right away but that has not been the case. So I miss her and wish I could still be with her.

i rarely give advice about this kind of thing. but if you are having these kind of doubts, then this is not the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.You're 30 years old! do you want to just settle because she's there and it's convenient? trust me you don't. Listen to your heart of hearts, as they say, or your 'higher self'. Whatever your brother does so be it...all breakups are painful in way, but they heal. You won't die, she won't die, as long as you are 'amicable' and mature about it. Talk to her and be HONEST above all, ask her how she feels and what she thinks.

You're 30 years old! do you want to just settle because she's there and it's convenient? trust me you don't. Listen to your heart of hearts, as they say, or your 'higher self'. Whatever your brother does so be it...all breakups are painful in way, but they heal. You won't die, she won't die, as long as you are 'amicable' and mature about it. Talk to her and be HONEST above all, ask her how she feels and what she thinks.

There are parts of this response that resonate with me... Assuming that this is not your "life partner" then there will is one certainty in this situation, namely that this relationship will end at some point. As such, delaying the inevitable will only increase the pain & trouble for all parties. Your brother's situation is completely withstanding this objective fact.

Now, there are some points of subjectivity. For example, this might only be a rough patch in your relationship and, thus, it negates all of the objective inevitabilities of the relationship's demise.

Also, even more subjective are the feelings of all parties relative to the facts. This is the most critical point. In relationships, its not simply "what" you do, but "why" and "how" you do it. In this case, as others have aptly recommended, there are ways of ending this relationship and not harming your current girlfriend (at least not any more so than what would be inevitable) and your brother's newfound love fortune.

What I am most concerned about is not the status of your current relationship but what seems to be a deeper relational modus operandi; I might be off base here, but you are losing interest in someone who still has feelings for you and you had and still have the desire that your brother not engage in something gratifying to him. Now, its certainly okay to end any relationship. This is your prerogative. But there seems to be a pattern -- i.e., self-centric experiences and projections.

Although not impossible, you will be hard-pressed to find a strong relationship with anyone if you are focused more on what the relationship, with gf or brother, does for you rather than the inverse (or preferably something mutual).

I will concede my bias as a therapist by trade, but it sounds like you could really benefit from talking to someone. For one, it might help this current situation. Moreover, it might help what got you into this situation in the first place (and there is one common denominator in all the relationships you have described here - you).

Good luck and peace.

http://slipstream.id.au/surprise-buttsex.jpg

I agree with Tio about talking with someone. While your current situation is what seems to be bothering you, there's a lot more to the story than any of us will ever know.

My experience has been that when I need "love advice", what I really need is "Life advice." My situation is similar to yours, but there are differences too. It sounds like there's a lot more you need to figure out than just what to do with this relationship.

In all of life's situations, both pleasant and otherwise a strong support system is a great thing. You need people you can really open up to and share your thoughts and feelings with. That goes for good times and bad times. Sometimes family and friends can't always give the insight you need. A lot of things you need to come to on your own. I kow friends and family like to put their thoughts in during a conversation and sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. But maybe you do need to talk to someone who is not involved in any way who knows how to ask questions that will help you find your own answers.

None of this is easy. I'll be the first to admit that. But don't make it so hard. You need to figure out what is important to you, why it is important and do it. Yeah, it sounds like I'm saying it's an easy thing to do, and it's not. But you can do it. You can.

Although not impossible, you will be hard-pressed to find a strong relationship with anyone if you are focused more on what the relationship, with gf or brother, does for you rather than the inverse (or preferably something mutual).

I will concede my bias as a therapist by trade, but it sounds like you could really benefit from talking to someone. For one, it might help this current situation. Moreover, it might help what got you into this situation in the first place (and there is one common denominator in all the relationships you have described here - you).

What is to be done in terms of learning how to share, though? Where is the line between partners being mutually happy; doing what makes you happy; and outright selfishness? I agree that this relationship has a self-centric problem, but isn't that the nature of relationships? (That's a real question by the way. I don't know.)

There are a lot of great opinions here.

You're not worried about your current gf's feelings, as you state. You are worried about YOUR feelings knowing that your brother has succeeded with her best friend, and you think YOU will feel uncomfortable.

Now show your gf some respect and break up with her immediately because it's a foregone conclusion and it is very inconsiderate for you to string it out a second longer knowing that it's already over in your mind. You don't have the privilege of keeping her on a string so you can reserve the option of remaining with her or to avoid the discomfort of becoming single again. If I were her I would be pissed off.

You're not worried about your current gf's feelings, as you state. You are worried about YOUR feelings knowing that your brother has succeeded with her best friend, and you think YOU will feel uncomfortable.

Now show your gf some respect and break up with her immediately because it's a foregone conclusion and it is very inconsiderate for you to string it out a second longer knowing that it's already over in your mind. You don't have the privilege of keeping her on a string so you can reserve the option of remaining with her or to avoid the discomfort of becoming single again. If I were her I would be pissed off.

yeah...what he said. A great point has been made here. Gotta respect all parties involved and that includes you and her. No one is really being helped by dragging it out if you aren't really in it anymore.