Foo - Marriage all but over

My wife pretty much laid it out tonight. The last few years have been tough, she has had a lot of health problems. I really thought I had done everything to stand by her, but apparently not enough. The hatred and vitrol really surprised me. Pretty much everything I do or say ridiculed.

7 year old son got to see and hear it all.

For dudes who have gone thru this, does to shock wear off after a bit? Not sure where to start.

:(

My wife pretty much laid it out tonight. The last few years have been tough, she has had a lot of health problems. I really thought I had done everything to stand by her, but apparently not enough. The hatred and vitrol really surprised me. Pretty much everything I do or say ridiculed.

7 year old son got to see and hear it all.

For dudes who have gone thru this, does to shock wear off after a bit? Not sure where to start.




sorry man... especially for your son. I think I would start with him... try to make sure he doesn't find himself in the middle of you two - like what was apparently done tonight. It's not fair for a child to be ripped in two by each parent when they seperate and then each try to pull the child along with them in the process.

sorry man... especially for your son. I think I would start with him... try to make sure he doesn't find himself in the middle of you two - like what was apparently done tonight. It's not fair for a child to be ripped in two by each parent when they seperate and then each try to pull the child along with them in the process.

Yea, he asked me if we are divorced. I said I dont think so, he said "I'll take that as a yes". :(

Let it go just say "F*** her" and figure out how to get a good quantity of time with your son.
-spend more time with "THE BOYS" yeah!
-after the divorce buy new toys yeah!
-buy all the toys you always wanted. yeah!
-ask out the hottie at the cafe you have always been eye'ing but did not make a move because you "were married"
-bang every one. yeah!
-do whatever the hell you want, YOURE FREE AGAIN. YEAH! Or....

if your typical, you'll be pissed for the better part of a year year and a half.
-then you'll accept it and still be pissed, for a year, year and half.
-then you'll be relieved and still be pissed, for about a year, year and a half.
-then you just wont care and laugh when you remember how pissed you got over this. Or...

you can do stupid things that are baseless, made up, and completely stupid (I have only observed this type of behavior on guys that are on ANTI-DEPRESSANTS)
-think that no other woman is gonna want you
-think that your kids are gonna hate you
-get suicidal tendencies.
-get remarried with someone you hardly know. (falls under suicidal tendencies)

oh and if you're on anti depressants, get off of them. dont worry millons of people go through this "its normal" youre in good company. :)

Let it go just say "F*** her" and figure out how to get a good quantity of time with your son.
-spend more time with "THE BOYS" yeah!
-after the divorce buy new toys yeah!
-buy all the toys you always wanted. yeah!
-ask out the hottie at the cafe you have always been eye'ing but did not make a move because you "were married"
-bang every one. yeah!
-do whatever the hell you want, YOURE FREE AGAIN. YEAH! Or....

if your typical, you'll be pissed for the better part of a year year and a half.
-then you'll accept it and still be pissed, for a year, year and half.
-then you'll be relieved and still be pissed, for about a year, year and a half.
-then you just wont care and laugh when you remember how pissed you got over this. Or...

you can do stupid things that are baseless, made up, and completely stupid (I have only observed this type of behavior on guys that are on ANTI-DEPRESSANTS)
-think that no other woman is gonna want you
-think that your kids are gonna hate you
-get suicidal tendencies.
-get remarried with someone you hardly know. (falls under suicidal tendencies)

oh and if you're on anti depressants, get off of them. dont worry millons of people go through this "its normal" youre in good company. :)


OOOOYYYYY!!! Daa-aaaam! WTH is THIS?!?!?! WHEW!!

<takes a deep breath>

I'm sorry your son witnessed, although I'm sure he has been aware of problems leading up to this.

Time to recoup and ... seriously take some time for yourself. And heal. I've been thru some hell and back and anger and all the other elements that accompany really eat you up. Go heal. And be there for your son - and really really try to not let him be involved in another blow up. Feel for ya dood. Take care.

I am terribly sorry to hear this--for all involved. ou need to contact a lawyer to protect your rights...usually the first visit is free (at least around here.) You also need to lay some ground rules down so that your son is as hurt as little as posible. Volunteer to seea marriage cousnelor to see if you can save it.

I haven't gone through this, but a very close friend of mine did, and he ended up looking like a death camp survivor (I am not at all kidding). While a lawyer is necessary, it also must be said that they live for billable hours, and the two will cost both of you time, money, and stress. Be as mature as you can about it so that your son can have as normal of a life as possible.

Hang in there--just like the AA creed, you need to take it one day at a time...I hope that the battle is clean and quick, and I will pray for all of you.

Tim C.

Donno. But you are from SA I see. We should ride. :)

If you want to save it, then your course is pretty clear. Do whatever it takes to save it.

If not, then things get cloudier. Then I would suggest that you search yourself to decide whether you really want to save the relationship, and then if you do go back to the top.

If not, then take the steps to facilitate the break as smoothly and painlessly as possible for all involved.

Protect yourself, ie your assets bank accounts, savings, anything she can grab and make a dash with. Nothing like coming home and finding out your accounts have been emptied, and her gone on your money.

My 19yo still remembers the night his mother told him "wake up we're going to taco bell" but ended up taking off instead.

You also have to get over that "I've failed at marriage BS feeling" sometimes marriages just don't work, and you just have to move on..

your bike will always love you, get out and ride ride ride
and ride with your son the bike will help talk to several lawyers, that way it will limit any she can use
been through a divorce it was ugly try to keep you son out of it (not always easy ) in the long run it will be better
again ride your bike that you will always have and ride with your son and you cant go wrong with that

Sell everything to your parents for a buck! Quick!

sorry man... especially for your son. I think I would start with him... try to make sure he doesn't find himself in the middle of you two - like what was apparently done tonight. It's not fair for a child to be ripped in two by each parent when they seperate and then each try to pull the child along with them in the process.
+1 Take care of the little guy first -- this will be really hard on him. You and your wife both owe him that no matter what happens.

Sell everything to your parents for a buck! Quick!

Actually - that is NOT a bad idea.

Never been divorced, but I have had problems in the past that we worked through. Or, she had to work through... :rolleyes:

Not to insult your wife, but dispite her health problems, it sounds like she needs a good arse kickin'.

Seriously, if you have stood by her, and she still is on your case, then she is being very selfish. Marriage is about service to each other, and she sounds like she only wants service for her.

If she can't learn this lesson before she divorces you....

Then hire out a really good lookin' guy to hit on her, take her to bed, then smack her around a bit afterward like a cheap ho'.

She'll be back to you in no time, realizing you're not all that bad, and that she was a stupid idiot.

(just kidding)

I really hope all works out. Maybe some decent marriage counselling would be in order. Do you have a church? They may be able to help.

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http://www.hantak.com/images/picard.jpg


voodoo +whatever to redhouse's post about your son.

good luck.

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http://www.hantak.com/images/picard.jpg


voodoo +whatever to redhouse's post about your son.

good luck.

GOOD ONE!! And I agree, maybe not to whom it's referring to but more like including others as well.

^^^ I was kidding.

My point (though joking), is his wife doesn't seem to care much about him or his son, especially if doing what she did in front of him seemed so easy for her to accomplish in such a vitriolic manner.

No "OMG" is necessary. When it comes to people (like her) who think so little of their marriages, I run fresh out of pity.

Go see a counselor.

My wife pretty much laid it out tonight. The last few years have been tough, she has had a lot of health problems. I really thought I had done everything to stand by her, but apparently not enough. The hatred and vitrol really surprised me. Pretty much everything I do or say ridiculed.

7 year old son got to see and hear it all.

For dudes who have gone thru this, does to shock wear off after a bit? Not sure where to start.


Re-read.

Have gone thru the shock - and because I was the dumb arse and said OK, we'll try it again and work it out - um let's just say more than 7-9 times (yeah - ex husband had other agendas - I'm trying to go to school, work full time and keep the house going and he's out there with Bimbos, booze and a non-work ethic) - uh - and it hurt the same each time till....

I said "No". Simple word. No. No more crap.

Did it hurt, yes. Even more hurting when you dwell on it. And a good kick in the ribs too is when you think you're doing OK, breathe in and out ahhhhhhhhh, and I drive by the bar right around the corner from my house and see the idiot's harley there with TWO helmets on it.

Bitter ... then, yes, but well over it now - oh hell yeah!! Be strong - it does hurt, but you have to be strong for the youngster - and be an adult about the whole thing too. When I get upset, I tend to let it all hang out - therefore, I try NOT to do that. And I would say - it would be a good thing for you as well.

{{{VIBES!!!******

Protect yourself, ie your assets bank accounts, savings, anything she can grab and make a dash with. Nothing like coming home and finding out your accounts have been emptied, and her gone on your money.

+1 but he probably "feels" bad like most guys and will ignore that until its too late.

forget saving that marriage if its bad now its gonna only gonna get worse. she wont change, and its gonna be worse for the kids. Usually when the wife snaps at you out of the blue she either wants you to assert yourself as man, or she already has another sucker in line. When its this bad its most likely the later. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. It has nothing to do with you.

Make no mistake women are the STRONGER sex. when they want something or someone bad enough, NOTHING will stop them. they will get it. no matter who they have to crush in the process, even their own offspring. :thumb:


No it wont bother your kid too much at all actually....IF YOU SEE HIM A LOT! If you don't see him thats when they feel abandoned. and by alot I mean like every day. I see people go to the gym 6 days a week, but only visit their kid on weekends. :( Take it like a training routine and spend time with the little guy.

Last of all REMAIN POSITIVE. It was the end of something good yes. It sucks. But its also the beginning of something more beautiful. I think its time for you to upgrade to a newer better model.

Like this one crappy frame I had It was an 80's schwwin letour, top tube dented, gold and brown, damaged fork, oh it was ugly as hell. I loved that frame and drove it for several years. That ugly frame did give me good times. Then it broke under the pressure. I was very sad but then I upgraded to a newer bike with new components and its even a more beautiful experience. :D

Re-read.

Have gone thru the shock - and because I was the dumb arse and said OK, we'll try it again and work it out - um let's just say more than 7-9 times (yeah - ex husband had other agendas - I'm trying to go to school, work full time and keep the house going and he's out there with Bimbos, booze and a non-work ethic) - uh - and it hurt the same each time till....

I said "No". Simple word. No. No more crap.

Did it hurt, yes. Even more hurting when you dwell on it. And a good kick in the ribs too is when you think you're doing OK, breathe in and out ahhhhhhhhh, and I drive by the bar right around the corner from my house and see the idiot's harley there with TWO helmets on it.

Bitter ... then, yes, but well over it now - oh hell yeah!! Be strong - it does hurt, but you have to be strong for the youngster - and be an adult about the whole thing too. When I get upset, I tend to let it all hang out - therefore, I try NOT to do that. And I would say - it would be a good thing for you as well.

{{{VIBES!!!******

Daaaaamm! WTH was THAT!? Been there done that, huh? :thumb: makes you smarter don't it?

So sorry to hear this - sending support.

I absolutely agree with those that say close your accounts, cancel your credit cards, etc... It sounds that she's angry enough you may do well taking your son and moving out. Possession is 9/10th the law and the courts usually **** fathers - you'll need all the help you can get. My brother was wiped clean of everything he had before he even got to the courthouse with no money to pay for a lawyer or anything else and then had to hand over a large sum of money every month. It's a sad state of society but protecting yourself and taking care of your son need to be your first two priorities. Along those lines there's something about posting a notice in the paper saying that you are separated and she can not take out any credit against you.

Daaaaamm! WTH was THAT!? Been there done that, huh? :thumb: makes you smarter don't it?

Unfortunately ... yes. Had one hell of a rollercoaster ride with the ex-husband. I still shake my head when I realize what I went thru. Stronger/smarter - hella yeah!

I hate to advise this, as seems cold... but see a divorce attorney ASAP for advice. As in now. See how you can protect yourself and your son, if she does try to take all the community property as stated above.

I really hope you can work things out.

People sometimes get stressed out and burst, so I'm really hoping that you guys can actually 'talk' without the accompanying BS and actually figure out what's up and what you can do about it.

It may be that it’s over and nothing anyone says here can help. If so, I’m sorry for you, and your son.

Sometimes someone who’s in need of help (i.e., your wife) mistakes the person trying to help (that’s you) with being the source of the problem because person rendering assistance can’t fix everything.

If that’s the case, maybe some counseling could help her see that the source of her anger is her health, which is nobody’s fault, and not you’re effort, which is always going to be imperfect because you’re not God.

It may be that it’s over and nothing anyone says here can help. If so, I’m sorry for you, and your son.

Sometimes someone who’s in need of help (i.e., your wife) mistakes the person trying to help (that’s you) with being the source of the problem because person rendering assistance can’t fix everything.

If that’s the case, maybe some counseling could help her see that the source of her anger is her health, which is nobody’s fault, and not you’re effort, which is always going to be imperfect because you’re not God.

Best advice so far. His wife is likely feeling hurt and possibly unappreciated (one of the biggest reasons for breakups). I would suggest the op weigh any decisions in his mind against whether he wants to stay in the relationship. Counseling may help the both of them. If he's sure it's over, then the advice given to see a divorce lawyer is likely prudent advice.

Marriage counseling a possiblity or not?

been there twice...first with my parents divorce. One thing i can say is to make your kid the priority, make sure he knows that you care that he's not traumatized. Don't let custody turn into a battle or use it as a weapon against each other, don't diss her in front of him and make sure she does the same. Keep all the ugly stuff away from your kid and don't involve him with your adult problems. The most important thing is to make sure he doesn't suffer needlessly. I know what it's like and believe me, it affects you for life. I see divorced guys with their kids and a lot of them work very hard to make sure their kids are the priority.

come to fort worth and ride with me - we'll take the anger out on all the chipseal around here!

Buy a tandem (for you and your son, not you and your wife).

Hmmm...
Been there, less than 2 years ago. It had been coming for a long time.
I ignored the signs. It seems when a woman makes that kind of statement
their mind has been made up for a while. It just takes them time to come
to terms with it and come up with a plan.
Much of what's already been said is accurate.
It does get easier eventually. It's hard seeing your relationships change.
With her, your child, and her relatives that you somehow thought had your
best interests in mind etc. Good or bad you lose them too and some of
your mutual friends.
Don't worry about what could have been or what is lost. Those feelings will
change with distance even though it's so early in the process now.
The little guy needs to know you are there for him no matter what.
You'll probably still be tied to her financially because of the checks you'll
get to write her till your son is at least 18.
It's a journey of hills and valleys but the valleys get less deep down the
road. It's like you're in a fog for a bit and like the poster stated about the
being mad etc. - Very true.
I stayed in my marriage because of faith, kids, commitment etc. Now that
it's over I feel like a man pardoned from a life sentence.
You'll need to be concerned with your needs and health (not hers) and of
course your son.

My wife pretty much laid it out tonight. The last few years have been tough, she has had a lot of health problems. I really thought I had done everything to stand by her, but apparently not enough. The hatred and vitrol really surprised me. Pretty much everything I do or say ridiculed.

7 year old son got to see and hear it all.

For dudes who have gone thru this, does to shock wear off after a bit? Not sure where to start.

The kids always come out worst. You must support your child, and explain to him, the best you can. I'm very sorry to hear the situation you are in. Do what you have to do for your child.

It may be that it’s over and nothing anyone says here can help. If so, I’m sorry for you, and your son.

Sometimes someone who’s in need of help (i.e., your wife) mistakes the person trying to help (that’s you) with being the source of the problem because person rendering assistance can’t fix everything.

If that’s the case, maybe some counseling could help her see that the source of her anger is her health, which is nobody’s fault, and not you’re effort, which is always going to be imperfect because you’re not God.

I believe this is very close to the case. Thru 5 years of health problems I've gradually become the brunt of her frustration, fair or not. Didn't used to bother me, I've a pretty broad set of shoulders. To my discredit I have kind of checked out lately, it's an emotionally tiring role to play.

We did have a very good discussion yesterday. And agreed that some form of counceling would be in order. Spent the day with my son, PutPut and an awards ceremony at his Martial Arts academy.

I know some may consider me a chump for accepting an apology and giving a hug. But if being a chump helps someone I love thru a difficult time then so be it.

I know some may consider me a chump for accepting an apology and giving a hug. But if being a chump helps someone I love thru a difficult time then so be it.

No, it shows commitment. Counseling is for ALL of you. It could make a big difference in the way both you and your wife see each other.

I will hope for the best for your family.

East Hill

I would add a caution against selling all of your stuff to your parents for $1.

First, you may need to declare all such sales, and it will be obvious that it was done to try to protect assets. Second, if your spouse needs a reason to justify vindictiveness to herself, you have given her the ammunition she needs. She may not need any, but no need to supply it.

By the better person through the process, but do seek legal advice so that you are not a doormat.

This song sums it up: Precious (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCS4e_NgGew). It's really about the effects of Martin's divorce on his kids...

I believe this is very close to the case. Thru 5 years of health problems I've gradually become the brunt of her frustration, fair or not. Didn't used to bother me, I've a pretty broad set of shoulders. To my discredit I have kind of checked out lately, it's an emotionally tiring role to play.

We did have a very good discussion yesterday. And agreed that some form of counceling would be in order. Spent the day with my son, PutPut and an awards ceremony at his Martial Arts academy.

I know some may consider me a chump for accepting an apology and giving a hug. But if being a chump helps someone I love thru a difficult time then so be it.

It is honorable to seek to turn things around. I wish you the best.

I hate to advise this, as seems cold... but see a divorce attorney ASAP for advice. As in now. See how you can protect yourself and your son, if she does try to take all the community property as stated above.

+1000. And fast. Her attorney is gonna be in your face in seconds flat. Time to lawyer up.

I am terribly sorry to hear this--for all involved. you need to contact a lawyer to protect your rights...usually the first visit is free (at least around here.) You also need to lay some ground rules down so that your son is as hurt as little as posible. Volunteer to seea marriage cousnelor to see if you can save it.

Do not contact a lawyer. Talk to your spouse and come to an understanding. Agree to be fair and sort things out yourselves. Would you rather give $10,000.00 to a rich lawyer or to your ex and child? Think about it man.

www.LegalZoom.com

It cost me $375. Do the right thing and save your money for your kid.

Your son is your 1st priority. Never bad mouth your wife in front of him and make sure he knows to still obey her and that she loves him. I stuck in a weird marriage for 24 years, I waited until my youngest was almost through his 2nd year in college before I threw in the towel. I am still living at home with her and it's a little strange but I will probably move out this next weekend. I am buying a house but it won't be available to move into until Aug. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on as you will also. She's the mother of my children and I will always love her for that, but we have been going in different directions for years. I would rather spend my weekend playing golf and riding my bike, she would rather go to the lake for the weekend and ride around on her boat and drink. She does not have the adventurous spirit we had in our youth, but I still do. She also lost all interest in sex years ago and as she put on weight I lost interest in her. Theirs lots of reasons, but I know that my personal flame was flickering for years but is getting brighter everyday now. It will still have some dim days but the future is definately brighter.

My wife pretty much laid it out tonight. The last few years have been tough, she has had a lot of health problems. I really thought I had done everything to stand by her, but apparently not enough. The hatred and vitrol really surprised me. Pretty much everything I do or say ridiculed.

7 year old son got to see and hear it all.

For dudes who have gone thru this, does to shock wear off after a bit? Not sure where to start.

It does, but the hurt never goes away. I lived for 10 years with a person who has BPD, and like many BPD folks, she does an awesome job of hiding it from most people, but man, don't cross her. She pretty much goes through guys like underwear - and I knew this when I married her, mistakenly thinking I could 'change her'. People don't change. She made my life miserable, drove off our friends, hit me on several occasions, broke things of mine that belonged to me, and after a while, I realized she was attempting to turn me into the 'monster' that she said I was.

The unfortunate part is that our children were witness to a lot of this. We now live on separate coasts, and the children live with her and her parents, who are kind people although probably a little too old to be assisting in child care. On a recent visit, my son lost a toy on the way back on the airplane (she was with them shuttling them back and forth) and she kept repeating calling my cell phone - my son is screaming and crying, and rather than comforting him, she's screaming 'You F******* lost it!" Whether that was directed at me, my son, both of us, or the air in general, I couldn't understand why she couldn't have laid down with our little boy and comforted him - and gotten him to sleep, it was 12:30 their time at night, on a school night! But part of BPD is turning everything into a huge, unnecessary drama. Anyway, I often wonder if she ever shows this side to her friends or her boyfriend... I doubt it, but I get it in spades whenever she has the chance to spew vitriol, and so did her first ex-husband - I was personal witness to the screaming phone conversations. I should have run like hell before we got married and had our children, but what's done is done. I do know that I do not and won't put up with her bullying anymore.

She's already into her next relationship, keeping the guy at arm's length - they see each other about once a month and live in different states. I feel sorry for the guy, because if their relationship gets where they are actually living together on a 24/7/365 basis, rather than this teenage fantasy that two late 40somethings are engaging in, he's going to find out just how totally wacked she can act at times. Its all very sad, and I feel sorry for both of them, but hey, they've got their lives, and I've moved on with mine. I am dating a woman that treats me very, very well and with whom I have the best relationship I've ever had. :)

I tried to save mine, but it simply made it worse. The best thing you can do is to go ahead and sever the relationship and hopefully be on good enough terms NOT together that your child is not caught up in the turbulence. Good luck. It will get better.

I hear you, and empathize. First of all, I went through a divorce in the mid-1980's. Much like a death, except the people don't die, just the relationship. There will be a period of denial, there will be a period of acceptance, then a period of mourning. Just like death. Our son kept it from being total, and I was lucky in that I got custody, without a fight about it. Then in the early 90's, she was killed in a car crash. Death for real. I thought being a single dad was lonely; try being the only living parent.

The first marriage was a disaster from the start, so ending it was the lesser of two evils.

In my present marriage, we have our problems. We have had "the talk" twice, discussing divorce, even to the point of calmly agreeing who gets the house and which dogs. Each time, after giving it some thought, we hugged and agreed to keep trying. I won't be the one to walk out on her, because I am standing by her in a time of increased need for support. She may tell me to leave, and I will honor her wishes, if she insists.

It may be that it’s over and nothing anyone says here can help. If so, I’m sorry for you, and your son.

Sometimes someone who’s in need of help (i.e., your wife) mistakes the person trying to help (that’s you) with being the source of the problem because person rendering assistance can’t fix everything.

If that’s the case, maybe some counseling could help her see that the source of her anger is her health, which is nobody’s fault, and not you’re effort, which is always going to be imperfect because you’re not God.

Very well said!

I know some may consider me a chump for accepting an apology and giving a hug. But if being a chump helps someone I love thru a difficult time then so be it.

No, not a chump at all; you probably said something to the effect of "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse"; you are keeping your word, and living up to it. Hang in there; my thoughts and prayers are with you.

It may be that it’s over and nothing anyone says here can help. If so, I’m sorry for you, and your son.

Sometimes someone who’s in need of help (i.e., your wife) mistakes the person trying to help (that’s you) with being the source of the problem because person rendering assistance can’t fix everything.

If that’s the case, maybe some counseling could help her see that the source of her anger is her health, which is nobody’s fault, and not you’re effort, which is always going to be imperfect because you’re not God.

More and more I see this is a large part of what is going on. The frustration isn't directed just at me, but im all too often in the line of fire. I still havn't gotten a yes answer to counceling, going to press that subject again today. I guess the answer to that question will be my answer.

With the divorce rate approaching 50% many people are in the same boat, myself included. Best advice is to take each day one at a time, don't focus on the money (you can always get more) focus on your kid and doing what you can to make the separation easiest. Depending on how long you have been married your wife will have the upper hand in most of the big issues like custody, support and alimony. Nothing you can do to change this, don't get pissed off it just makes your life miserable. Get it past you and move on, that is what I did.

I still get depressed from time to time but for the most part I have a new life and I do the best I can to enjoy it.