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01-05-04, 09:49 AM
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance
is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I
like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they
get pregnant, you can sell the offspring.
Love,
Mom
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance
is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I
like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they
get pregnant, you can sell the offspring.
Love,
Mom