Howdy.

I'm new to riding, so "long distance" for me is a lot less than "long distance" for you.

Went out for a ride today of a little over 75km. To me this is "long." Took me a little under three hours.

The route I took was very hilly, and it was mostly uphill against the wind for the first half, downhill with wind second half. The roads I rode were relatively okay, but maybe 10% of the road was broken road, thus many many many bumps + potholes + other things that are very scary to ride over when descending at 50km/h.

After the first 50km, everything started to hurt; my neck, my hands, my wrists, my legs (lactic acid hurt, not knee pain), and my crotch. This is expected, as my normal loop is only 30km. Still, now that an hour has passed after the ride, i've noticed that my crotch is still numb. now, i'm a guy, so you can probably figure what in particular is numb that would concern me. i think it's because of the rubbing of the shorts (i wear proper biker shorts) across the front for the three hours that gave me the numbness. this is a "normal" thing for someone who isn't used to longer distances?

I know the neck problems will go away as I get used to longer distances (heavy helmet). Lactic acid pain will go away too with training. I'll get more tolerant to the hand/wrist pain (what you get with crap roads). I'm worried about the crotch though. This hasn't really happened to me before.

After the first 50km, everything started to hurt; my neck, my hands, my wrists, my legs (lactic acid hurt, not knee pain), and my crotch. This is expected, as my normal loop is only 30km.

Nah. Even though your usual loop is much shorter, you shouldn't be having pain in *everything* riding a longer distance.

Lactic acid issues in the legs: Hydrate and watch your electrolyte levels (sports drinks or other e'lyte replacement).
Sore neck, shoulders, arms, wrists, hands: This sounds like a bicycle fit issue. You should be supporting your upper body more with your core muscles than propping it up on your hands. If you're too stretched out over the top of the bike, you put too much pressure on your hands/shoulders/arms and you have to crane your neck up to look forward.
Sore/numb dangly bits: Also a fit issue. If you're leaning too far over the saddle (hence the arm/hand pain) you'll be squishing some nerves and restricting blood flow to your junk. Immediate fix... Stand up every once in a while and restore feeling/blood flow. Long term fix... Proper position on the bike should have you supporting yourself on your sit bones, not the soft tissue of the perineum. Correct saddle width and maybe a saddle with a center channel/cutout will help alleviate this issue.

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

You mentioned uphill & headwind... either condition can cause you to tense up. Death-grip on the bars, neck stiff to hold your face into the wind... I'm always a little more beat-up after a ride like that.

Still, like CliftonGK1 says, there might be a fit problem with your bike that isn't apparent on shorter rides. You should take it to the shop where you got it... or one you trust... and have them look at you while you're in position on it. Even a small amount can cause problems:

In 2002 I bought a secondhand Cannondale R500, size 52cm. It felt fine, and on my 25 mile commutes, worked great... But man, on centuries and better, it was killing me... wrist problems, back problems, and just a general "too tight" feeling. Nevertheless, I wore the thing out. After suffering 68K miles, I retired it to the indoor trainer and bought a Specialized Allez, size 54cm. Pretty minor difference, but the Allez fits perfectly... I can do Sat/Sun back to back centuries and still be able to push the lawnmower around the yard on Sunday afternoon...

Get the bike fit checked out.

Oh, and hydrate!

I had a 3L Camelbak Mule on me that I drained during the ride.

I'll take it to the store and see what they can do for me. I'll be level with you; the bike I have was not fitted for me. I can't afford a road bike (especially now that I bought a nice mountain bike). This road bike I picked up was supposed to be a temp since I lost my old mountain bike (i needed something to get around). I took a liking to road riding, though. This particular road bike I picked up was off the end of someone's drive. I refurbished it so it's in safer condition, but I'm not surprised if it isn't the right size for me. Maybe I got lucky though, and it is, but I just have to make some minor adjustments - I'll check with the LBS.

The bike wasn't fitted to you, plus you went from 30km to 75km, and you're surprised that you were sore...? OK then ;)

1) General rule of thumb, don't increase your weekly mileage more than 10% per week. Otherwise you're asking for an overuse injury.

2) You need more than just water, you need electrolytes - particularly salt. You also need around 250 calories per hour; not clear if you were eating.

3) "Lactic acid" is not a caustic agent; it provides a source of energy to your muscles. I don't think they have a definitive answer to what causes cramps and short-term aches, but chances are the short-term aches were caused by a lack of salt,. Longer-term aches (DOMS) are from micro-tears to your muscles.

4) Crotch rub doesn't generally produce numbness, it produces tenderness. What produces numbness, particularly long-term, is pressure on the perineum. Either your saddle is too soft (e.g. gel saddle), too narrow and/or improperly positioned. Soft saddles may feel fine on short rides, but after a few miles it will cut off circulation.

5) "Heavy helmet?"

Last but not least, temp or not, if you got the bike from the LBS, they should've fitted you. If you bought it used, caveat emptor I suppose.

once i got to my half way point where i turn around, i had two bananas and a bagel with cream cheese.

the helmet i wear is a Fox Flux mountain biking bucket. When I switched from my normal-looking beat up helmet to the Flux, I noticed an increased amount of neck pain doing my little loop. That has since gone away 'cause I'm used to it. The Flux IS heavier than my old helmet, and my old helmet was cheap, and thus heavy compared to the lighter roadie buckets.

it has been 7 hours since the ride. hands feel fine. i could use a neck rub, but i won't complain. legs + knees = okay. south of there, = numbness.

Southerly numbness means a major problem with the saddle/crotch interface.
You definitely need a new saddle, but you really need a fitting, if indeed the
bike can be made to fit you. Google up some articles on bike fitting for a
start and see how you and the bike match up by general criteria. Sadddles
are extremely personal and I went through about a dozen saddles over the
last year to solve crotch problems. Current set up is good enough for a
century on Sat and another on Sun without crotch pain. Numbness from
saddle pressure should go away in 6-12 hours, if longer lasting than that
I would not ride the bike until something is done to alleviate the problem.
OTOH you should never have numbness in the first place.

okay, i went out today and got a new saddle. a Serfas Stinger RS. The thing is long, skinny and hard (please, i don't need this turned into a joke). Paid a small fortune for it... it's actually the most expensive part of my bike now!!! :P

After adjusting it on my bike, i notice the difference. Yeah, it's hard, but I find it's better for my bones to sit on. With the shorts it should be more comfortable. I'm used to riding on terrible-quality saddles. This thing seems a lot better (better looking, lighter, more comfortable.). It's weird - it looks too high-tech for my vintage ride!

If it holds up though, that's one less part you need to buy when you get your new road frame! (Whether or not that's going to happen, I always tell myself things like that, keeps me psyched up) anyway, enjoy the new saddle, check handlebar height too, if that's off it can give you a hard time.