General Cycling Discussion - cycling puts strain on my relationship

about a year ago, my fiance began cycling. it has become an obsession and has put a damper on our relationship. not only is he spending mass amounts of money on his bike, but he is constantly out riding. it's to the point where we don't have a healthy conversation and everything revolves around a bike. i came to this forum because im aware he visits often and i'm looking for support. he doesn't see this as a big deal and thinks i am overreacting. if things continue to go this way, i have a feeling our relationship won't last much longer.

what do i do? how do i handle this? i try and have conversations and he thinks i overreact and insists he doesnt cycle near as much as other people. if this would be just a hobby, i'd be fine. but it's a lifestyle now. bike this, bike that. how can i make his hobby less intense?

have you considered riding with him? :(

i have considered this, but i am not willing to invest money in a bike... and i cannot handle the rides that he goes on with his riding buddies. cycling is just not a hobby i enjoy that strongly. i can handle casual rides, but i'm just not someone that wants to go out cycling for 4-5 hours at a time like he does.

hmmmm, well do you go to his organized rides, take pictures etc, maybe starting a scrap book for him, or searching for items he may like would fill that void, it would show him you are interested in his cycling, but in a different way, who knows he may stay home and help you with projects concerning his cycling

that would still have our relationship revolve around his cycling. not us.

true, have you discussed the fact that he may be losing you due to this?

yes, and that's where he brings in the "you're overreacting" bit about how many people cycle way more than he does, and their mates are supportive. he doesn't see it as a big deal. he cycle in the morning, comes home for lunch, cycles more... after dinner, he spends time on the bikeforums and then working on his bike. seldom is there a break for me. he insists it's a new hobby and it will fade, but from the signs of many people on this site.. it's a lifestyle and it WON'T fade.

it is definately a life style, tho a person may leave they always come back, cycling is in the blood, its something indescribable, but some people do know what things come first in life. Family and God whichever order you prefer should come first. once that chain is moving then other things should come into play. I am guilty of over spending, I think we all are or will be, cycling is not cheap. But I do not put cycling above my family, if things were different for me, then maybe cycling would be first in my life, but i have other issues that are more important to me

How much time does he spend cycling? Is he willing to do other things with you? I cycle quite a bit commuting and recreational my recreation riding is only about 8 hrs a week unless I am doing an organized ride. 8hrs isn't that much. I have to admit a freind of mine had to sit down a couple of years ago and tell me I talked way to much about riding but she still gave me the freedom to do my rides.

he cycles 2-6 hours a day.

i think he needs to broaden his horizons. find hobbies outside of cycling. spend more time with me, talk more with me. i'm almost disgusting at night when we have conversations and it always turns into cycling and what types of bikes he saw during the day and how he plans on getting them in the future.

i have a feeling if i give him the ultimatum "me or the bike" he'll give me the "understand my passion or i'm gone" ultimatum.

Dear New Lonesome Member,

I strongly advise you two to seek counseling. Hobbies are hobbies, but once they reach a point of obsession, it can do damage to an otherwise healthy relationship especially if the opposite member is not interested in that hobby (been there), which is perfectly understandable. Your fiance needs to open his eyes and make compromises and tend to your needs. I have seen too many relationships fail for these same reasons. Good luck.

Abby

Im sorry to hear that :(
But if he does love you, I am sure he will understand you and the cycling can be minimized.
I try to ride apx 2 - 3 hours a day and apx 4 or so on weekends.
email me anytime or icq if you care to talk

Cycling is an obesssion. I don't know what to say.I have that obsession. You like/love the guy as a person.? It is a life style..I plead with my wife to go cycling..I bought her a bike. She always is too busy.
I try to make some compromises.I am always back for events we share together. There is always time for us.I am not a complete addict. Also, have addiction to scuba.That did not go over well with my first wife. I am still into scuba.
Your hobbies become your lifestyle..This being a healthy one. There is no way my wife will get me off the bike.
We make a decent living, if she said I can't spend the money there would be fireworks. Not that I should not try to be reasonable to our financial situtation.
I really suggest you try riding some with him. To your abilities. He loves you he wants you there. I do my wife.
What a person needs they need.You like quiting let's say, He would be a jerk to deny you an expensive sewing machine. You won't try riding with him,then you must each work on your own space and share common times together by being reasonable.
That being said. When one loves one another. I do think it not unreasonable that the other at least give the others obsession a try.Have you.? Have you been open minded to it.You might enjoy it? It might be good for you and make you a better person...It might open up you world to a new social outlet you might enjoy.? My second wife tried scuba diving with me, but she has ear problems..None the less, she enjoys the social connections with my dive friends..The social camping trips to Catalina.She does snorkle.
As to you can't get into riding,unless you have some physical disability; I say that is crap.We all have to start out. If you love him, you will give it a try. It will be his love for you that he slows down and works on making you a better cyclists and healthier person.
If you can't give each other their space and emotional NEEDS, then I say the relationship has some challenges.Go to time trials with him..Make new friends of his new cycling friends.. Try sharing his passion for the sport.You can become a part of it.One way or another.
As the scuba bumper sticker states.."My wife says this is your last dive, or I hit the road." or something like that.
the reply.."I will miss her." Good luck.
One reason I was impatient with the recent break up of Lance Armstrong's marriage. I read she was impatient with his professional cycling status, after he made them millions.
That the case, he only has a couple years to go as a pro.I have no patience for her..She should let him finish his career. And after what cycling did for the family fortune, I feel her ungrateful..
Again, my wife refuses to share in my needs, she knows compromise is necessary and not deny me what I need.Should you think you can deny him what is in his blood. Becoming good at time trials or touring hundreds of miles takes time and training..It is a life style and you could be a part of it one way or another....Good luck.

I've toned down my cycling obsession over the years. We bought a tandem in the mid nineties and that worked out for a couple years.....roughly half of my time riding was spent on the tandem with my non-cyclist wife. She was also pleased with her new overall toned physique. Eventually, we gave up tandemming and she found a new hobby of her own.....and it's a healthy, physically demanding 'hobby'. I have absolutely no interest in her hobby but I let her spend as much time on it as she lets me do my cycling. This overall balance in our relationship has been perfect the last several years...

George

I have to agree with The Fixxer, take the initiative and go see a counselor and tell him to come with you. There is always two sides to every story, you nmight see him spending ALOT of time cycling, and yet he might see himself not spending enough. We can give advice but does not mean he will listen, but if you go to someone outside like a counselor and he listens to both of you and gives advice he will take it differently. Relationships are the hardest job you will ever have, but alost the most rewarding. It sounds like you have tried talking with him and nothing has changed (I did same thing in my marriage, I did not listen to my ex-wife and decided she was overreacting), I knew there was problems but never pursued counseling and neither did my ex-wife and now we are divorced. Not because of cycling, but I can understand what you are saying.

CyclistsG.F.. I am just trying to be honest. Wish it possible you could try to share your boy friends love of cycling.At least to the best of your abilities and interest..They have packs to fit on his back to carry picnic supplies to some beautiful romantic spot.There you and he can get to by biking- the stress removing means of transportation. Then put down a cloth on the ground and contemplate what a beautiful ride it was; to this romantic spot, you might not frequent otherwise.
I find biking causes me to find locations, interesting business you would never see in a car. .....You can't do difficult riding for a year or so, ok......I am sure he is capable of adopting some of his riding time to your speed. It might enhance your relationship, should you be open minded.
I know too many cyclists. unless your boy friend is different from most- that I run into, it is in his blood. I know cyclists who have completed 200 miles in a day and now think of doing 300...If their spouses did not to some extent share in their passion, it would be hopeless..( heah, I have read of a refersal, where the woman cycles and the guy didn't) same problem.
Like me today..We have a committment, thinking we will go to a charity fundraiser late this afternoon.. My wife is a teacher..She must get her work done before we can go to this function...She keeps saying,I will know soon if we can go..
I am so impatient with this., she might not keep our committment- if work interferes.
I am like a caged lion..The sun is out and I could have gotten in another 40 miles. Cyclists friends have already stopped by seeing if all the group wants to go out and play....Feel so anxious.... Waiting for her to decide upon whether we will keep our plans..Had I gone out with them, probably would have not gotten back in time for the committment- she very well might not keep......Just an insight into the mind of a cyclist.
Heah, she just came into the room,she can go, so the day is not wasted..It is to rain tomorrow so no bike commute into work..See, I don't ride I think about riding on the net..

Good lord, 2-6 hours a day, that's how much of my 8hr work day's spent sleeping/eating/browsing.

If I may offer an opinion.
a) I get obsessive over things easily (still getting over my head-fi.org $1000 headphone fiasco)
b) I recently got into biking (wooo)

My girlfriend's got a 24" mtb and I have a 26" with slicks on it. It's hard for her to keep up and she's at the point where she's a) tired of being left behind and b) outriding her 24" now so very soon she's going to buy a 700c touring bike.

I realized that she wasn't happy being left behind all the time so now I try to a) keep her in my mirror and slow down so she's close enough to draft or b) let her lead.

Try getting him to ride earlier and starting dinner a little later, that way when he gets home from a ride, you two can still sit down to dinner and spend some time together.

Every saturday and/or sunday, we go for a nice ride around in the morning and drop by a cafe for coffee and a slice of cake. Show him that yes there's obsessive compulsive biking but then there's biking for the sake of spending a little free time as a hobby.

Take up the hobby with him and you take his road bike and get him a dual suspension mtb with big fat knobbies. I'm pretty sure you'll leave him in your dust. My girlfriend lost weight, shaped up, she looks better than ever. After all the compliments her friends and family gave her, she became a lot more willing to buy a new bike and grow with the "hobby".

Aside from getting counseling, you might want to show him that yes you're willing to take an interest in his hobby/lifestyle/whatnot but he's got to be willing to come to your level.

Find your own hobbies too or join a cycling club riding with people in your level. Meet some couples who manage their time correctly and invite your fiance to go riding with your group, get him to realize that there are avid bikers out there who are also able to devote time to friends and family outside of the sport.

Unless he's lance armstrong and brings home $$$ biking, you gotta do something about it.

Cycling is an obesssion. I don't know what to say.I have that obsession. You like/love the guy as a person.? It is a life style..I plead with my wife to go cycling..I bought her a bike. She always is too busy.
I try to make some compromises.I am always back for events we share together. There is always time for us.I am not a complete addict. Also, have addiction to scuba.That did not go over well with my first wife. I am still into scuba.
Your hobbies become your lifestyle..This being a healthy one. There is no way my wife will get me off the bike.
We make a decent living, if she said I can't spend the money there would be fireworks. Not that I should not try to be reasonable to our financial situtation.
I really suggest you try riding some with him. To your abilities. He loves you he wants you there. I do my wife.
What a person needs they need.You like quiting let's say, He would be a jerk to deny you an expensive sewing machine. You won't try riding with him,then you must each work on your own space and share common times together by being reasonable.
That being said. When one loves one another. I do think it not unreasonable that the other at least give the others obsession a try.Have you.? Have you been open minded to it.You might enjoy it? It might be good for you and make you a better person...It might open up you world to a new social outlet you might enjoy.? My second wife tried scuba diving with me, but she has ear problems..None the less, she enjoys the social connections with my dive friends..The social camping trips to Catalina.She does snorkle.
As to you can't get into riding,unless you have some physical disability; I say that is crap.We all have to start out. If you love him, you will give it a try. It will be his love for you that he slows down and works on making you a better cyclists and healthier person.
If you can't give each other their space and emotional NEEDS, then I say the relationship has some challenges.Go to time trials with him..Make new friends of his new cycling friends.. Try sharing his passion for the sport.You can become a part of it.One way or another.
As the scuba bumper sticker states.."My wife says this is your last dive, or I hit the road." or something like that.
the reply.."I will miss her." Good luck.
One reason I was impatient with the recent break up of Lance Armstrong's marriage. I read she was impatient with his professional cycling status, after he made them millions.
That the case, he only has a couple years to go as a pro.I have no patience for her..She should let him finish his career. And after what cycling did for the family fortune, I feel her ungrateful..
Again, my wife refuses to share in my needs, she knows compromise is necessary and not deny me what I need.Should you think you can deny him what is in his blood. Becoming good at time trials or touring hundreds of miles takes time and training..It is a life style and you could be a part of it one way or another....Good luck.

It sounds selfish to me.

If you let your bike get in the way of your relationship, I don't care many MILLIONS you make, it's selfish.

At some point in the relationship, you have to realize there's something more to the two of you than that bike. If you can't realize that, then there's a problem. I think it's ridiculous to expect someone to pick up someone else's hobbies because they have an obsesson with that particular hobby. If a woman was all about sewing, and she spent as many hours a day doing sewing and refused to spend time with her mate, then took every conversation with her husband/sig other talking about sewing, there wouldn't be a man alive that would fight to chew his arm off to get away from her fast enough. Even if he were understanding and took some classes, he would certainly feel that after a certain point, enough is enough, and there needs to be some talk about their mutual interests, whatever they may be.

Now, if Lance or anyone else actually procreated with another woman, married her, and made the focus of his life about cycling and refused to take time out for his wife and family, OF COURSE the wife is going to get impatient- sheesh, you can't have that many kids (twins too, no less, and each kid no more than 2 years away from each other) and not expect for the other spouse to help out too- marriage is more than being about bringing home the bacon, and a lot of men fail to realize this. They feel like because they're bringing home the money, they don't have to take the time to share in the housework, child rearing, etc. As a result, the marriage suffers, and so do the children. Any person that heard that Lance/Kiki story that got upset with KIKI is crazy- there is no way on God's green earth that any man shouldn't share in the responsibilities when needed, put aside their work when they're needed by their family, and take the time out to pitch in. If they can't do the bare minimum, that's selfish. Not every woman in the world wants money over a good man and good love that comes with that man- and if you're all about a wife that's just satisfied with making MILLIONS, then really... I feel sorry for you.

Ok, I don't know what this woman's relationship is for real with this guy. I can say that if she doesn't care for it, and she's made an attempt to learn about cycling, but really, it's not her thing, and this guy is all about this bike, and he can't see that she needs more from the relationship, it may be time to seek some serious counselling. I wouldn't say give up- if they're still together after all this, there has to be something there worth fighting for. Do whatever you can to try to make it work, but if he can't meet you halfway after doing all this, it may be the beginning of the end. There has to be a way you can talk out what's going on and resolve the issues. I don't have a problem if the dude wants to go out and bike ride, but from what this woman is describing, there's just no room for her, except in the bedroom. Me personally, that's not good enough for me. There has to be one on one interaction, and he has to take an interest in the things she likes to do, AND they ought to have some things they like to do together. They don't have to do everything together- that's too much, and I think it's a bit unhealthy too if they are doing everything together all the time. There should be time for them to work on their own hobbies, and time for each other to work on some things together. That is what I would consider a healthy relationship.

Of course, I could be too much of a demanding nut too...

Koffee

Fixer, what hobby is your wife into?

Cyclistgf. During the time he spends cycling, try to find a hobby or sport you enjoy. Then you can bring another subject to your cycling laden conversations. Case in point, when I cycle my gf does her yoga. Now I am kinda getting into it, cause the benefits of it. If you don't want to take part/try with his cycling, find yourself a hobby, and share it with him. I think its a myth that couples should share the same interests.

Fixer, what hobby is your wife into?

SALSA!.....no, not as in cycling components, but as in dancing....she always loved it but got seriously into it, entering competitions, attending salsa seminars, conventions...etc....
I don't/can't dance......I can only move my legs in circles.

George

HAHA I didn't even look at the 2nd page of the thread, i think i effectively just repeated what everyone else has said :P

Fixer, you got to try salsa. Its a bit intimidating at first but so much fun. The gf has already picked a place for us to take lesson when I move back to North America.

Ok, I don't know what this woman's relationship is for real with this guy. I can say that if she doesn't care for it, and she's made an attempt to learn about cycling, but really, it's not her thing, and this guy is all about this bike, and he can't see that she needs more from the relationship, it may be time to seek some serious counselling. consider a healthy relationship.

If he doesn't budge, I'd say dump him!

George

I have to agree with Koffee. I'm a guy who gave up a lucrative day job making "mucho" dinero, for two years, to care for my two daughters--1 and 3 years old. Priorities and long-term rewards are what everyone should focus on. (I still continue to teach at the college two nights a week, but would have given that up too for my daughters.) My wife chose to continued to work as the insurance package was better and she had no other part-time work available. She would have gone nuts only watching the girls. As far as addiction is concerned, cycling is a new one for me, and I "will" control that, since my previous addiction, golfing, was placing a great strain on my relationship. Pull him out of the loop for one week, if possible, so that he can gain some perspective and see the possible loss; it's a little hard to gain some clear perspective when your in the thick of things. It's alright to join him in his hobby if it truly is your thing, but if it's not, then as Koffee suggested you are giving up part of yourself. (I'm reading through the discourse.) Jung said that only when we are walking in paths of our own desires, are we truly authentic and complete (happy). Good luck!

Urbanmonk

If he doesn't budge, I'd say dump him!

George



Dear New Lonesome Member,

I strongly advise you two to seek counseling. Hobbies are hobbies, but once they reach a point of obsession, it can do damage to an otherwise healthy relationship especially if the opposite member is not interested in that hobby (been there), which is perfectly understandable. Your fiance needs to open his eyes and make compromises and tend to your needs. I have seen too many relationships fail for these same reasons. Good luck.

Abby



Whoa Fixer... is your name George or Abby? :D ;) :-/

Signed,

Confused in Chicago

Signed,

Confused in Chicago

Ooo... I like that.....

If you cant handle it,leave. It wont bother him,he's riding. Shoot,i have 2 girls and still worked and they are now 17 and 19 and i would say,between friends and parents,they had a babysitter no more then 5 times if that.

I kinda had the opposite situation but it certainly could apply to you. My wife got into cardio kickboxing which was good for her but she ended up doing workouts 5-6 days a week and other administrative things around the Karate school. I got tired of her talking about kickboxing and the school so I got back into cycling after not having cycled for 6 years.
Now she talks about her kickboxing and I have something to bore her with too... we're balanced and not needy of each other.

I guess I also had a simular situation, my ex fiance was into cops, I didnt have to give her an ultimatum, I left and the cop moved in before the sheets were cold... :mad:

Have you ever considered the benefits of a cycling boyfriend.

Better health and fitness. More endurance for those intimate moments. Slim and generally better looking than the typical out of shape blob. These things will probably stay with him for a lifetime as most cyclists keep cycling as long as physically able.

Perhaps an out of shape fat beer drinking slob with unhealthy habits sounds better? He will have plenty of time to sit and watch movies and eat popcorn with you.

Do him a favor, leave him, move out, and let one us cycle chicks pick him up.
Really, just tell him that you can't handle this new hobby. Either he'll give it up, get fat, and smother you; or he'll cut back on cycling and pay more attention to you; or he could tell you that he simply won't change.

Why do you want to marry someone who is "boring you" or neglecting you anyway? Courtship is the time when you decide if this is the person to you want to be with forever. Why be with someone you have to change or manipulate into being who you want? Do you really want to marry someone you have to nag into changing (to the point of going so dramatic as to post on his message board)? 2-6 hours a day isn't bad. I'm guessing he's probably riding 2-3 hours weekdays and a longer on weekends. Perhaps you should give him this one b/c most couples spend 6 hours a night in front of the TV, not speaking to each other, anyway.

You probably spend more time than he rides worried and being angry about his new "obsession." Chill out.

I don't think a lot of people are telling her to dump him- rather, it's more about seeing that there's a problem here and telling both of them that they need some help.

It's obvious here that there's a lack of communication- and if they can't communicate one on one, it's time for some counselling. To be fair, if what she states to be his schedule is correct, that's a lot of time spent on cycling, and not a lot of time spent on couple stuff. I mean, if he were a professional cyclist, that is one thing, but this is a recreational sporting activity that seems borderline obsessive.

She looks like she's just there for the booty call, to be frank.

I don't even think she's asking for him to cut out all cycling. I certainly didn't see that. It looks like she's asking for some down time from the cycling stuff where she can have some relationship time with him. I'm sure she's grateful he's not some beer-bellied, slovenly, sloppy, lazy, good-for-nothing. If that were so, she'd say "Why can't he be more like some beer-bellied, slovenly, sloppy, lazy, good-for-nothing and spend some time sitting around with me doing nothing but gaze in my eyes in wonderous amazement and do nothing but watch the O channel with me?". Instead, she sounds like someone who just feels as though the cycling is interfering with their relationship, and I think she has a right to be concerned, especially after this statement:

he cycle in the morning, comes home for lunch, cycles more... after dinner, he spends time on the bikeforums and then working on his bike. seldom is there a break for me.

If this is his day, I cannot see how it is possible that there is any quality time for interaction, seeing as though he rides the mornings, so she doesn't see him then, lunches too, so there's no interaction time there, then comes home in the evening and has dinner, then gets on bikeforums or works on his bike. Other than the physical meals, I don't see where there's time for social interaction.

I'm not sure what's up with this guy- why he feels the need to suddenly (maybe not very suddenly, but just over a short period of time) and completely envelope his life with cycling, cycling, cycling. I'm not sure what this guy is missing in his life to where he's replaced social interaction and other activities with cycling and cycling related activites. I'd have to know how long this transformation took place, what he did before cycling took over his life and his relationship(s), and what he really feels he gets out of cycling. This doesn't mean I think he should totally give up cycling- I just think there has to be a limit to any hobby, especially if it's affecting your home life and the people around you that you purport to care so much for.

Seriously, if my sig. other told me that the cycling was getting in the way of the relationship, I wouldn't give it up, but I would certainly stop and think about his needs there and try to take up some of his hobbies, invite him into my cycling and make damn sure he found it enjoyable, even if it meant forgoing riding as fast as my buddies, and find some common ground with him by doing some "us" things together. I'd also cut back enough to where it wasn't just about me either- no relationship should ever be just about one person and their likes and needs, while the other person sits on the sidelines.

My 2 cents.

Koffee

Oh... and one last thing-

No matter what you do, life is about having BALANCE. If you don't have that, you're just teetering over the edge, and it's not going to take much to come along and push you to the ground either. That doesn't sound healthy to me, and I don't know of anyone that doesn't advocate a healthy, balanced lifestyle with whatever they decide to do with their lives.

Koffee

Do him a favor, leave him, move out, and let one us cycle chicks pick him up.
Really, just tell him that you can't handle this new hobby. Either he'll give it up, get fat, and smother you; or he'll cut back on cycling and pay more attention to you; or he could tell you that he simply won't change.

Why do you want to marry someone who is "boring you" or neglecting you anyway? Courtship is the time when you decide if this is the person to you want to be with forever. Why be with someone you have to change or manipulate into being who you want? Do you really want to marry someone you have to nag into changing (to the point of going so dramatic as to post on his message board)? 2-6 hours a day isn't bad. I'm guessing he's probably riding 2-3 hours weekdays and a longer on weekends. Perhaps you should give him this one b/c most couples spend 6 hours a night in front of the TV, not speaking to each other, anyway.

You probably spend more time than he rides worried and being angry about his new "obsession." Chill out.

A) You edited. I don't know if the more angry version counts. :p

B) 2- 6 hours a day of any type of exercise is too much. I give him a year before some kind of chronic overuse injury sets in, and then where will he be? No bike, no fiance, no life. Good luck with that.

C) You are right, in that if she has to nag him into doing anything, maybe she won't be happy married to him- hence the counselling tips that a lot of people suggested.

D) How do you know that before the cycling, they were spending 6 hours a night in front ofthe TV not speaking much to begin with? From the sounds of it, he sounded like a pretty good guy until he got obsessed (overly) with the cycling and ceased communicating with her, which leads to my last point:

E) If she can't even get his attention unless she gets on bikeforums and posts about it, this is pretty dramatic- that's what makes the situation so bad- communicating with your loved one through a forum thread is one serious sign that he's on here waaaaaaaaay too much! ;) :D :p I'm actually half serious about this one!

Koffee

A) You edited. I don't know if the more angry version counts. :p

B) 2- 6 hours a day of any type of exercise is too much. I give him a year before some kind of chronic overuse injury sets in, and then where will he be? No bike, no fiance, no life. Good luck with that.

C) You are right, in that if she has to nag him into doing anything, maybe she won't be happy married to him- hence the counselling tips that a lot of people suggested.

D) How do you know that before the cycling, they were spending 6 hours a night in front ofthe TV not speaking much to begin with? From the sounds of it, he sounded like a pretty good guy until he got obsessed (overly) with the cycling and ceased communicating with her, which leads to my last point:

E) If she can't even get his attention unless she gets on bikeforums and posts about it, this is pretty dramatic- that's what makes the situation so bad- communicating with your loved one through a forum thread is one serious sign that he's on here waaaaaaaaay too much! ;) :D :p I'm actually half serious about this one!

Koffee
I agree with Koffee

I don't know . . . 2-6 hours a day doesn't sound like that much to me!

What are you doing during those 2-6 hours a day when he's off cycling? What hobbies/sports etc. do you like to do? Hopefully, you've got a life too! When you two get together, do you discuss your hobbies with him, too?

A healthy relationship needs some time apart - you can't be glued to each other side all the time.

But here's my question: does he really want a relationship? If he really is spending a lot of time cycling (and I mean more than 2-6 hours a day!!), thinking about cycling, discussing cycling etc., and if he thinks you're over-reacting when you talk to him about his cycling habits, and doesn't want to change, perhaps it is an escape for him. Perhaps you two need to have a serious discussion if you really want the relationship to continue.

I can tell you this - if you constantly nag him about his cycling . . . he'll choose the cycling over you.

Break his legs...

My girlfriend's italian, she'll help you out...

what do i do during this time?
working, studying for school, spending time with some of my close girlfriends... various things.

what would i want to be doing? spending time with my man.

i don't care about the fact that his body is fit because he rides a bike. his body was fit BEFORE he rode a bike. having a nice body is not enough to win me over.

my problem is, I didn't get engaged to a cyclist. this just happened within the past year.

i'm not about to "give him up" to cyclist women just because he wants to cycle.

i'll speak to him tomorrow morning about counseling, this needs to be fixed. i know this is a relationship that can be fixed. i don't want him to quit cycling, i just want him to tone it down a bit. maybe cycling just 4 days a week, or maybe each day yet half the hours...

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

i originally came to look for advice, not have a majority tell me to take up cycling with him (which i can't do most of the time due to his fast-paced club rides) and stop being jealous.

as mentioned before with the sewing example, i'm a seamstress, and i certainly don't see him picking THAT up for many hours of the day, why should I pick up cycling? i'm not interested

what would i want to be doing? spending time with my man.

Doing what?

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

What if he thinks cycling is one of those "important things", and that you're trying to ruin that?

why should I pick up cycling? i'm not interested

Makes me wonder how interested you really are in him if cycling is a part of his life now.

(Just a few things to think about)

Cyclistgf...I hope I can reply without getting preachy.. Our significant other just would hope that you would give his obsession a try..That is all.. You will not even try out something so vital to the other, then that is unfair to you both...As long as you try it and don't like it - then that is another matter.. Have you been fair and give it a try?
Now, if he does not want you to try it out with him, he won't change some kind of racing style in order for you to give it a try with him, then I am in your court.
I would love to have my wife join me.. I would gladly change the kinds of rides I go on to introduce her to my thing..In fact if she does not, I am really disappointed.We are both francophiles..I want to ride across the south of France with her..
If you then don't like it that is another matter. While he does his cycling thing, then you need get a hobby to fill in that free time...He can compromise some too, so parts of your free days together are preserved. If you don't like the actual cycling, you could accept his new cycling friends socially, thus enhancing your life and still be a part of his cylcing world..
As to your being unable to accept his love of cycling and it causes him to change some life long goal and you are jealous of his time( as long as he still loves you and not ignores you) then maybe it is best you break up.. As an earlier person said, there are plenty of biker chics who will grab him up. Healthy athletic males are in demand?
My wife knows I am preparing to cross either North America or Australia.. I do not ignore her by any means, but if she interfers with that goal, I will not be worth living with..
I mention quilting..That is what she likes to do while I am out on the bike...She has many scraps of cloth, she inherited from her family..This gives her time to work on her projects.
She also belongs to a quilting club...
I sometimes want to do things on her quilting nights, but that she has to attend..It is important to her,so I have no right to interfere.
We can all have our own space, yet be couple..
Part of my passion evolves from my first wife. She was bored with my scuba.. She felt it unsafe and I gave it up for 8 whole years.. Almost a decade of something I love - wiped out of my life.. She had no right. Don't know how we made it the 10 years... Unfair and it ended in divorce anyway.. Each much respect the others space, if you can't share in that space.

Too many posts to read through, so I'm not sure if this question was asked: "What got him obsessed about biking in the first place?" If you understand the cause of his obsession, then I would think you'll have a better understanding of how to approach your situation.

I agree with Koffee...2-6 hours every day is too much. If anything, he needs to learn the term "cross training". Not only the body, but the mind as well.

I'm a triathlete, and can be labeled somewhat obsessive about my training, but we tone it down during the off season to give our bodies and minds a rest.

It seems to me you love your fiance very much to enter this forum and seek advice. That's a great step in understanding what drives us...and it's different for everyone.

However, you're entitled to be happy too. If your fiance isn't delivering, then it's time to cut your losses. Hopefully you'll be able to know when that is before it's too late.

Just remember...don't let him bring you down with the financial ship.

You can get him to see that biking should be a way for him to just get a little more out of life, it shouldn't BE life.
Get him to see there's other things in life too. Most importantly get him to compromise.
He doesn't necessairly have to take up sewing or knitting or whatever as a whacko compulsive obsessive hobby and neither do you with biking.
The reason why I and most people here say it's nice if you biked (a little) is that it'll help put you closer to him in terms of something he'll understand. Right now, it's obvious that he doesn't understand you. You can however, use his biking as a vehicle in which to convey your feelings.
Show him that you're willing to make the first step by crossing over to his side a little bit but also show him that you can do so reasonably without becoming completely obsessed about it and he should be able to see that and do the same.
Not all of the opinions around here are agreeable with what you ultimately see as an end goal since there are a lot of people here who are complete fanatics about biking so of course they'll tell you either get with the program or get loss. It's a bikeforum and that's expected (go to head-fi.org and you see people plunking down $4000 easy on a pair of headphones and an amp). However, not all of us are as into it as others. You just have to show a little interest in order to connect with him better and hopefully be able to pull him back on your side a little.

Or break his legs. Tonya harding style, back of the knees ;)

BTW: Nothing wrong with a man sewing. I know how to use a sewing machine. I can also tear one apart and put it back together or build one. It's not like I'm telling the world about my doll collection.

You can get him to see that biking should be a way for him to just get a little more out of life, it shouldn't BE life.
The reason why I and most people here say it's nice if you biked (a little) is that it'll help put you closer to him in terms of something he'll understand.
Show him that you're willing to make the first step by crossing over to his side a little bit but also show him that you can do so reasonably without becoming completely obsessed about it and he should be able to see that and do the same.
Not all of the opinions around here are agreeable with what you ultimately see as an end goal since there are a lot of people here who are complete fanatics about biking so of course they'll tell you either get with the program or get loss. It's a bikeforum and that's expected (go to head-fi.org and you see people plunking down $4000 easy on a pair of headphones and an amp). However, not all of us are as into it as others. You just have to show a little interest in order to connect with him better and hopefully be able to pull him back on your side a little.

Slvoid..I agree compromise is crucial to a marriage..I have several cycling friends..Their wifes do not bike.Some do..
The ones that don't accept their spouses need of cycling. If one is really a super competitive triathlete, she/he can't compromise to very much.
It is just the non-cycling wifes I know have become a part of her spouses cycling world and don't seem to resent their weekend warrior syndrome.
If one's goal is to cross the United States on a bike, that is not an obsession but a needed goal..Something one need brag about on one's death bed.. Something so important can't be messed with..no matter how valued that partner is. There still can be time for each other..

cyclistgf,
His cycling will fade a bit in the second year. Cycling, especially competitive cycling, is a real bug and you do get addicted.
It will fade down to a more reasonable level and you can either accept that he has found something he is passionate about or leave him. Better the bike than another woman right?

It's addicting because he is hitting new goals and improving fast, especially in the first year of cycling.

It will even out and sometimes people burn out on it all together.

But face it, cycling takes alot of time and partners in relationships have the same problem with golfers or any other hobby.

Cyclistgirlfriend.....identify your fiance for us. We'd like to hear his side of the story now...

George

I speak as one of those cycling-addicts who is not in a relationship, the 2-6 hours a day thing applies for me on weekends and probably would through the week if work didn't get in the way (or if my ride to work was just a little longer). Every holiday I've taken in the last three years has been a cycling-tour, two days off the bike makes me nervous and short-tempered, so I think I know where the situation might be coming from.

I think the question that has to be asked here is whether the fiancee really wants a relationship or not. Let's be honest here, it is possible to be happily single, despite what some may think. And not everybody who gets into a relationship is desperate to keep the thing going at all costs - one only has to look at divorce rates these days to see that. It took me a long time to realise that I liked the freedom of being single - maybe this guy has only realised that after getting into a relationship.

Couselling simply wouldn't be an option if this guy is anything like me simply because to work it requires commitment, and I'm not sure that's going to be there. What if he just tells the counsellor there isn't a problem? Or simply refuses to go? One thing is sure - nobody likes constantly being nagged about anything. If anyone nagged me about cycling (or anything else for that matter), I'd be on my way in no time.

CyclistGF, do not take this as an attack on you, for it is not meant that way at all, the whole thing probably isn't even your fault. I just think this is a situation that needs an injection of realism, that's the way the guy is. What you need to work out is whether you believe he is really interested or not, and whether you're prepared to accept the way he is. If not, perhaps you're better off to find somebody else better suited to your needs.

i'll speak to him tomorrow morning about counseling, this needs to be fixed. i know this is a relationship that can be fixed. i don't want him to quit cycling, i just want him to tone it down a bit. maybe cycling just 4 days a week, or maybe each day yet half the hours...

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

i originally came to look for advice, not have a majority tell me to take up cycling with him (which i can't do most of the time due to his fast-paced club rides) and stop being jealous.

You asked for advice and that's what you received. Judging from the number of replies and the length of those replies, people cared enough to let you know what they thought and offered their support. They shared personal experiences in hopes that this would help your situation. It would have been nice to see you show some gratitude.

This is a bike forum and you should have expected some of it's members to give advice to take up "cycling with him." Are you sure you weren't looking for validation rather than advice?

It appears from the sound of your reply that you already have the answer to your situation. He needs to "tone it down"-period.

My husband is a drummer. His whole reason for living is music. Do I share his passion, No. I go with him each time he plays a new gig, or is in a new band. We have been married 27 years. He has band practice about 2-3 times per week at our house. After about 4 years, he was going to quit his good government job to go on tour with a group. I knew it was his dream. I told him to take the chance, because once we bought our home in the suburbs and had children, I would need his income to meet the house payment. For whatever reason, he did not go on tour. Music is still his passion. I know he loves me and is committed to me, but I know my place, and would never restrict the amount of time he spends in practice nights and recovery nights. I developed my own interests. My interests have always been in sports. He first introduced me to cycling on the bike paths about 3 years ago. I am now the bicycling fanatic. My passion for cycling has not diminished. In fact, I would love to quit my job and cycle across the the continent. It is all I can do to stay at my job for another 8 years and retire. If you are having trouble this early in your relationship, you will always have trouble in this area. People who are passionate about a hobby/sport remain passionate but their hobbies/sports may change. I believe you will always want more from him than he is willing to give. You need someone who shares the same level of emotional dependency and quality time that you require and DESERVE. I think this is a serious problem that will not go away. Many runners have divorced their spouses. I see many cyclists both male and female who have non-cycling spouses. There are different ways to handle it. I used to ride by myself, but my husband didn't feel it was safe. He prefers that I ride with someone. Usually I ride with men. There are several that I go on week-long trips with and others for weekends or day trips. One guy I ride with cycles with me during the day, then gets a motel room with his wife. We leave early in the morning. By the time she wakes up, eats and drives to the next city, we are there waiting for her. She gets a quality vacation. Sleeping in, a day at the pool, then her husband to have dinner with and an evening together. I get someone to cycle with, and then a peaceful evening by myself. Works great.

Hang in there cyclistgf. I, too, tend to become obsessed when I get into a new hobby. When I first took up flyfishing I was gone almost every weekend for the first 8 months I did it. I eventually got to a competency level I was comfortable with and now it is just a hobby. Biking is a little more than just a hobby for me, I try to integrate it into my life when I can. My wife and I take the kids, meet some friends whose husband also bikes, and us guys trailer the kids and ride our pace while the wives ride and chat at a pace thats comfortable for them. Afterwards we all settle down for a picnic. This is just an illustration that cycling doesn't have to be an excluding kind of thing, with some thought and experimentation you can probably find a way to integrate it into your relationship. Counseling would undoubtedly help, but he probably won't be spending this much time on cycling forever. I think his dismissal of your concern is something to worry about, but still I think the over indulgence will fade given time. The question you need to ask yourself is this; How much of your life are you willing to gamble waiting to see if the present situation changes? I wish you luck.

By cyclistgf:

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

i originally came to look for advice, not have a majority tell me to take up cycling with him (which i can't do most of the time due to his fast-paced club rides) and stop being jealous.

So if you don't want to listen to us I am betting you don't listen to him either. Just because you don't think it is important does not mean he does not.

He will be better off without you to interfere with his goals and his future health benefits. Do HIM the favor of leaving so he can find a better partner who shares his passions and respects him.

I feel sorry for this guy having to deal with you already. Maybe he will come to his senses and tell you to take a hike. :(

Just an observation but does any one else notice the amounts of "I don't want..." or "I don't care ..." in her posts?

My take on it is that she is frustrated because she has lost some control over him or he got tired of having to deal with her and cycling is his way of saying I don't want to deal with you right now, I need some space.

People are always going to change and if you plan on having a loving lasting relationship with them then you will also have to change. If every thing stayed the same it wopuld get boring. Now if they cheat or lie to you that is one thing but if you love and tust them and they you every thing will work out.

:beer: