Foo - The 'don't ring my door bell unless you are a delivery man' thread

*long version*
This morning...
*ding dong*
oh crap, it must be the postal man with my bike gear!
better get out of bed and find my shorts and my wallet!
*rush down to door in 10secs, still groggy*
*opens door*
I thought to myself, when I looked outside, there's no UPS, Canada Post, Fedex or even Purolator delivery truck outside, but never giving it a second thought, I opened the door.
"good morning" says this lady and a fellow chap dressed in a suit.
me: "hi..."
my cat enters the house at this opportune moment
"we're here today to tell you about a few changes in our bible"
me: "uh huh..." of course, I meant to say 'kthxgbye', but it was too early in the morning and I didn't have my cup of tea yet
The lady continues to speak
"take for instance this previously disabled man walking, this blind man taking off his shades to show he isn't blind anymore... *missing content*..." what? I wasn't paying attention, but I believe it had to do with 'miracles'
"...and which one of these would you think it would you think is the best thing to happen?" All I could think about at this point was... why me? what have I ever done to the cycling gods that this can be happening.
Me, in a terribly groggy voice: "I think the best miracle that can happen now, is if I go back to sleep" and close the door.
I don't even go to their church, why must they bug me in the wee hours of 10am?


anyways, the short version is "what's the funniest, or at least best and shortest Denial of Door Talk "DoDT" you've ever come up with? Can be charities, or in this case, Jehova's, or any other door to door buggers.:love::innocent:

I have answered the door with a shotgun and a cleaning rag in my hand before. Does that count?

I have answered the door with a shotgun and a cleaning rag in my hand before. Does that count?

that would be gold. Too bad I can't do that in Canada.
One of these days I should just get a shirt that's soaked in blood and answer the door with that.

answered the door butt naked once...

Just answer the door holding a sprig of herbs and say "sorry guys, but the potion in my cauldron is about to boil, and I have to put these [insert herbs here] or else my love potion will turn into a frog potion and I will have to dispose of it somehow..." then eye them up and down like you plan on disposing it down their throats.

I let my 75 pound Ridgeback/Boxer mix answer the door.

No one leaves tract literature. Packages get dropped off at the front office. Only my friends know that the dog isn't going to break down the door and tear their face off; to everyone else she sounds like Satan's own hunting dog trying to break loose.

I only have a 15lbs cat...


and I have neighbourhood appearances to keep up... no wait I don't... I think I'll answer the door with the blood soaked t-shirt, but with white briefs

I should go out and try and find some poison ivy...

that would be gold. Too bad I can't do that in Canada.



Really? Why not?

*long version*
This morning...
*ding dong*
oh crap, it must be the postal man with my bike gear!
better get out of bed and find my shorts and my wallet!
*rush down to door in 10secs, still groggy*
*opens door*
I thought to myself, when I looked outside, there's no UPS, Canada Post, Fedex or even Purolator delivery truck outside, but never giving it a second thought, I opened the door.
"good morning" says this lady and a fellow chap dressed in a suit.
me: "hi..."
my cat enters the house at this opportune moment
"we're here today to tell you about a few changes in our bible"
me: "uh huh..." of course, I meant to say 'kthxgbye', but it was too early in the morning and I didn't have my cup of tea yet
The lady continues to speak
"take for instance this previously disabled man walking, this blind man taking off his shades to show he isn't blind anymore... *missing content*..." what? I wasn't paying attention, but I believe it had to do with 'miracles'
"...and which one of these would you think it would you think is the best thing to happen?" All I could think about at this point was... why me? what have I ever done to the cycling gods that this can be happening.
Me, in a terribly groggy voice: "I think the best miracle that can happen now, is if I go back to sleep" and close the door.
I don't even go to their church, why must they bug me in the wee hours of 10am?


anyways, the short version is "what's the funniest, or at least best and shortest Denial of Door Talk "DoDT" you've ever come up with? Can be charities, or in this case, Jehova's, or any other door to door buggers.:love::innocent:


I was expecting my friend early on a Saturday morning and had just gotten out of the shower when I heard the doorbell ring, ran downstairs yelling, "how the hell did you get here so fast?!?!?!" opened the door in wet and in a towel to a nicely dressed young woman handing out the Watchtower. Needless to say, she didn't stay long and they never came to the house again.

I have a pack of four dogs that go nuts whenever the doorbell rings. That usually scares anyone off.

On one occasion, when the Jehovah's Witnesses came by, I did mention that I had to excuse myself to go get stoned.

Well, I can answer with a rifle, maybe a shotgun too, but then I'd have to get a gun license, gun permit and the actual gun itself.

Probably Canada as a whole, no problem, but here in TO, we're a bit wary of guns at the moment

Keep a photo album next to your front door. Have really silly photos in it and as soon as they pull out the bible, whip out your album and start showing them pics of Aunt Mabel making her world famous egg salad sandwiches, and the boil on your cousin's bum and such.

I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames. :(

I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames. :(

What, you want to remove the sign? It'd make things a little more exciting :p

Hi Stacey!

wee hour of 10AM?

Door: Ding Dong
Me: Can I help you?
Them: hello, sir, we're here to talk to you about the great benefit of our widget
Me: Oh, sure, come on in!
Them: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I can't come in, but we can talk here
Me: no, really, you can come in, it's okay, please... my house is your house
Them: thank you sir, but really, we're not allowed....
Me: Come in, please, I insist. My daughter is ovulating...
Them: ummm
Me: She's really hot.. you'll like her...
Them: ummm....

Usually stops them dead in their tracks...

* this story is fictional, obviously

I have a gated driveway (far cry from a 'gated community') with a couple large dogs. Our packages get throw over the fence in a plastic bag (usually one of the dogs pees on it before we get to it). I've never had the problem of solicitors.

The downside is, if I want to buy girl scout cookies, I have to find which store they're selling them in front of.

Before I moved out, I had a motorcycle, and was home alone one day. Doorbell, I answered, a 20-something year old girl was standing there, and she said "Could you give me a ride on your motorcycle?" I was a bit stunned, but before I answer she started with "just kidding! I'm trying to raise money for...blah blah blah". How disappointing.

I once pounded on my best friends door at 2:00 AM after a night of "gambling" at the Local VFW's Annual Feather Party. I had won a live turkey, yes a live turkey. Of course if you wanted the cage that he came in, that was $40 extra.
I threw the sh**ting bird in the back of the SUV, drove to his house as safely possible with a live turkey gobbling and sh**ting all over, hoping the rear seat would be a detriment to him jumping into the front seat.

Anyway my Buddy answered the door with a cock and loaded single action Ruger Redhawk. It is a good thing he wasn't as groggy when he answered the door as the OP!

Was a signal sent to me as to my Buddies "attitude" when he answered the door? You betcha.

My favorite was when I was still in high school. My mom and I lived in a house next to a farm -- meaning that we were outside of city limits, and got almost no visitors of any sort.

Two religion salesmen rode up on their bicycles, and knocked on the front door. Of course because they used bikes, I didn't hear them approach. Neither did our German Shepherd, who happened to be napping just inside the front door when they knocked. They startled the dog, and he barked like a demon dog. He was normally a friendly happy dog who would only threaten you with kisses ("let's all be friends!"). But when I opened the door to see who it was, I was holding the dog back by the collar. He was tearing gouges in the carpet, trying to go through the screen door.

I told them that perhaps now was not the best time. They agreed, and left... quite rapidly. Fun times.

For my current front door, I have tinted windows. It helps with keeping the house a bit cooler, with the added benefit that I can look out and it's very difficult to see me inside. So I just don't answer the door at all if it's not a delivery person or someone I know.

When I worked 3rd shift, and missionaries would stop by, I'd answer the door in my boxer shorts. They'd usually stare at my pierced nipples while trying to get their spiel out. They usually never came back.

I answered the door once and there was an old man who was lost and wanted to find out how to get out of out maze of a neighborhood. I said how to get out and tried to close the door but the noob insisted on there being an easier way. Only one way out buddy, bai bai.

The Mormon missionaries paid a visit on a lady I used to know. "Are you familiar with the Book of Mormon?", sez they. She took the Book from them, opened it to one of the first pages, pointed to the picture of the church's founder and said "That was painted by my ex-husband."

Priceless.

If you don't have it, get underground sprinklers installed. Get a wireless remote that overides the
timer. Keep the remote near the door. Just turn on the sprinklers on unwanted guests.

Even one cheap above ground sprinkler will do the job.

"Beware of the Dog" signs all over the place can help too. The kind with the face of a Doberman growling.

When I was a kid I let a dog out the back door to chase a cop away from the front door. It worked perfectly. We accidentally lobed a very rotten apple on the windshield of the cruiser. We thought it was just a car.

If you don't have it, get underground sprinklers installed. Get a wireless remote that overides the
timer. Keep the remote near the door. Just turn on the sprinklers on unwanted guests.

Even one cheap above ground sprinkler will do the job.

"Beware of the Dog" signs all over the place can help too. The kind with the face of a Doberman growling.

When I was a kid I let a dog out the back door to chase a cop away from the front door. It worked perfectly. We accidentally lobed a very rotten apple on the windshield of the cruiser. We thought it was just a car.

you should see my lawn, there's no need for a sprinkler system because there's almost no grass, lol.
that and it's been the wettest year here, ever, in recorded history.


I have a sign on my door that states: "Unless you are Ed Frickin' Mc Mahaon, and are bearing a million dollar check from Publisher Clearing House, turn your arse around and don't even think of knocking!"

I also have a sign that says: "CAUTION ~ Oxygen in use. No Smoking or open flames. :(

I would like a million dollar check too, preferably USD

We have a sign on the front door with a picture of a German Shepard and "I can make it to the gate in six seconds flat. Can you?".

What I would like to post is "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." except we couldn't follow through with the threat. We have no firearms.

My GF opened the door to find a pair of J.W,'s and she happened to have four of her pet rats running around her shoulders at that same moment.....Those two ladies left smoldering shoe prints getting outta the yard!

I told the once-a-month regular visiting religious group (who I usually avoid) to come in. I told them I was into Satanism and I wanted to let them know about my beliefs. They said they couldn't come in, that they will be on their way. As they turned to leave, I came out onto the porch and shut the door. As they went down the walkway, I followed them and told them that I can introduce them to things that would enrich their lives, namely, Lucifer.

They ignored me and started to walk faster. I followed them to my neighbor's house but they didn't stop because I was still behind them yapping away "Come join us, you will be thrilled at what we can share! Have an open mind!!"

I ended up following them about half a block, asking them why won't they hear me out. They were walking really fast by then. Before I turned to go back I told them that I would see them in Hell.

I know........that was bad.

But they never came back!! They skip my house from now on. :)

Opened the door, there stood a pair of young women with Mormon Missionary badges on their shirts. I yelled ,"Evil! Get off my porch and off my property!" while making a cross with my fingers. They were saying something about not being evil as they were leaving and I was closing the door.
The only ones worse than the J.W.s.

I have a friend who has on the screen door a sign that says:

"I shoot every third solicitor. The second just left."

Others I've seen (now, note, this is Texas mind you):

"Trespassers will be violated."
"If you are found here at night, you will be found in the morning."
"You may be able to run fast, but you are not outrunning .45 rounds."
"Trespassers will be dealt with on a user friendly 'point and click' basis." (with a picture of a 1911 below the text.)

i used to live in apartment building that regularly got visited by the Witnesses and other annoying religious nuts. Someone would buzz them in and they'd make the rounds. Once I buzzed them in by mistake so of course they came up to my apartment, but first I saw them knocking on my neighbor's door. So I'd just hide and wait for them to go away. The landlord got an intercom after a while, since in that neighborhood, religious nuts were the most benign people you could buzz in by accident. Avoiding them is the best since saying "i'm jewish, get lost" or "I'm an atheist get lost" didn't work. They'd try to convert you. One of my neighbors had a huge dog which although friendly, sounded terrifying when he'd bark at the doorbell. needless to say, she wasn't bothered by them too much.

BTW, nifty nasty trick: fill out the little card they leave behind (mormons or witnesses) and give them the name and address of someone you don't like, and they'll be visited by missionaries bright and early!!

ding dong...
open door
jehovas witness standing outside with a book
jehovas witness lifts arm and lip starts to move
close door laughing hysterically
laugh for about 10 minutes
eat breakfast
giggle
go to work.

[ open on interior, Woman's Apartment, 2:00 a.m. ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Woman: Who is it?

Voice At Door: [ drawn-out pause ] Uh.. trick or treat?

Woman: [ gets up and walks cautiously to the door ] Look, it's two o'clock in the morning. Halloween's over! Shouldn't you be in bed by now?

Voice At Door: [ stuttering ] Mrs. Bar- Barsen- Bargen- Barsen..?

Woman: There is no Mrs. Bargenbarson here!

Voice At Door: [ pause ] Candy-Gram?

Woman: Look, I'm all out of candy! I gave it all away! Now, go home!

Voice At Door: UNI- UNICEF, ma'am?

Woman: UNICEF?

Voice At Door: UNICEF.

Woman: Well, that's different..

[ Woman grabs her purse and opens the door - as she does, the Land Shark peers in, gobbles her up and drags her into the hall. ]

[ Land Shark re-enters the apartment, and stares at the camera. Suddenly, Chevy Chase pokes his head and arm out of the mouth ]

Chevy Chase: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

If you want to reduce the number of times JW's visit, ask them to put you on the "do not call" list. That will limit the number of times you are visited greatly.

I once told a Catholic Priest I was a Frisbeeterian and that we worshiped the Great God Whammo. Our belief was that when you died, your soul gets stuck on the roof and you can't get it down. That pretty much terminated any attempt at conversation on his part. I continued my theological discussion with how Frisbeeterian's and Holy Hula Hoopers have some similar characteristics. That occured years ago when I was in High School but I can still see the stunned look on his face.

Ya know, you don't have to be rude or pull all kinds of stunts to get JWs to leave you alone. Put up a no trespassing sign. We are not allowed to proceed past no trespassing signs. Or, ask to be put on the do not call list. Then you will not be visited again save for 1 time per year when one or two of the older men from the congregation will come by to make sure the same person still lives there and still feels that way. Or, if we make it to your door, just tell us you're not interested and shut the door. You don't even have to slam it.

Our goal is to teach people about the bible, and if we see that you're not interested in that, we're going to move on.

i like the story with the rats...i like rats and often thought that would be a useful thing to do...even if they're cute pet rats, people will think they're willard!

Ya know, you don't have to be rude or pull all kinds of stunts to get JWs to leave you alone. Put up a no trespassing sign. We are not allowed to proceed past no trespassing signs. Or, ask to be put on the do not call list. Then you will not be visited again save for 1 time per year when one or two of the older men from the congregation will come by to make sure the same person still lives there and still feels that way. Or, if we make it to your door, just tell us you're not interested and shut the door. You don't even have to slam it.

Our goal is to teach people about the bible, and if we see that you're not interested in that, we're going to move on.

I can certainly respect your position, and I agree that people do not need to be rude. However, I think a "do not call" list means "do not call - period". If you want to see whether the same person lives there, compare phone directories from year to year. If the person has changed their mind, they will seek out the denomination that they consider to be most appropriate for them.

I grew up in a very religious household, and it was a major source of conflict between my parents and I. One thing that I am still very sensitive about is having someone else's religious views forced upon me - especially if I am in the privacy and comfort of my own home. I don't even like having people singing Christmas carols at the door. I have no doubt that door to door witnessing is done with good intentions, but in my opinion, it is very intrusive.

A woman my sister knew was interrupted by JW's while canning homemade raspberry jam. She went to the door with raspberry juice all over her apron and hands. She got her daughter to open the door for her, while standing behind it so she (the daughter) couldn't be seen. All the JW's saw was a door mysteriously opening apparently on its own (creaking, natch), with a seemingly blood-stained woman standing in the doorway, grinning maniacally yet saying nothing...

They have not been bothered since. :D

I work nights and I approve this message. I should be allowed to rig the ringbell button with 10k volts.

"My dog bites.
No not that one, wait here let me go get the one I'm talking about."

*engine starts, tires spin*

answered the door butt naked once...

I did that once, too. The salesdude STILL tried to talk to me. I was creeped out before he was so I shut the door. I guess I lost that one.

Had a history of my inlaws showing up at all hours without calling us. So once I answered the door buck naked then, too, and they frickin' still invited themselves in. I told them I was about to take a shower and I didn't want to share a shower with them and they left. They still show up, though... :mad:

A woman my sister knew was interrupted by JW's while canning homemade raspberry jam. She went to the door with raspberry juice all over her apron and hands. She got her daughter to open the door for her, while standing behind it so she (the daughter) couldn't be seen. All the JW's saw was a door mysteriously opening apparently on its own (creaking, natch), with a seemingly blood-stained woman standing in the doorway, grinning maniacally yet saying nothing...

They have not been bothered since. :D

Completely off topic, Imagine That!

My father drove an ambulance during college in Austin. One night he got a call for an accident on the freeway. He drives out there and finds a pick up camper wrecked and a guy whose face and hair are a red, oozing mess.

He gets the guy on a stretcher and tells him he is taking him to the hospital to have his scalp wound treated. The guy is protesting, which dad says was not out of the norm, due to shock, etc.

Dad pulls into the ambulance entrance and takes the guy into the ER, where the doc examines the man tells the nurse to wash the strawberry jam/jelly/syrup/whatever, out of the uninjured mans hair.

DOH!

That's right up there with the pizza delivery guy who gets in an accident, and grosses everyone out when they see the cheese and tomato sauce splattered against the windshield.