Jokes & Humor - A Pet's Perspective
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From a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
From a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ********.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe. For now ... :eek:
09-19-08, 01:01 PM
I've had cats who likely would feel that way if I had tried to keep them indoors.
I however live in fear. The cat has given me offerings, sometimes still alive and when I am sleeping. That would not be a problem (well not a big one, it is disturbing too have a live mouse dropped on you at 2 am) except for 2 other things. First the cat talks to the dogs. Second the dogs have been known to catch and Racoons and carry them like a cat does a mouse.
Hopefully the Racoons learn to avoid the dogs before the dogs figure out how to get something that big through the doggy door.
09-22-08, 07:14 PM
How To Make Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered,
then add the following ingredients.....
1 cup patience....
1 cup understanding....
1 pinch correction....
1 cup hard work....
2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun...
Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until
puppy has doubled in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner
and puppy are one.
PoBear, a Husky mix, proudly brought me a still-twitching squirrel through the doggie door one day.
09-29-08, 05:23 PM
A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that. But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.
* Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
* A dog is better protection from intruders.
* Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
* Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
* Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
* You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
* Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
* Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
* A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
* Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
* A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
* ...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
* Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
* If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
* Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
* ...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
* A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
* A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
* Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
* In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
* If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
* You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
* Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
* You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
* A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
* When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
* Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
* A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
* Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
* Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
* Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
* Dogs whine less.
* Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
* Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
* Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
* ...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
* And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
* You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
* A dog gets a new coat every winter.
* Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
* A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
* For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
* Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
* Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
* There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
* Your dog will never refer to you as 'a *****'.
* In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
* Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
* You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
* All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
* If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
* If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
* A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
* You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
* "Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
* You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
* A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
* Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
* Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
* You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
* A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
* There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
* You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
* A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
* Most dogs are really good with children.
* Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
* A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
* Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
* A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
* There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
* You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
* A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
* A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
* Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
* Dogs are easier to house-train.
* Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
* A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
* Dogs went into space first.
* A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
* Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
* Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
* You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
* Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
* You can train a dog in obedience.
* A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
* Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
* A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
* Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
* Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
* A dog is a faithful companion.
* A dog is for life.
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