Foo - OK, since Foosters like dating questions...

What do you do if you're impressed with a dating prospect in terms of character, educations, shared interests, etc., but the initial chemistry between you is not a homerun. It could go somewhere, but not on the fast-track to romance. Do you act accordingly, move extremely slowly, at the risk of being aloof? Or do you err on the side of protecting them and just say you're not interested?

Maybe the real question is, does chemistry have begin with a clear and unmistakable spark, or is it generated slowly when it's the right person?

What do you do if you're impressed with a dating prospect in terms of character, educations, shared interests, etc., but the initial chemistry between you is not a homerun. It could go somewhere, but not on the fast-track to romance. Do you act accordingly, move extremely slowly, at the risk of being aloof? Or do you err on the side of protecting them and just say you're not interested?

Maybe the real question is, does chemistry have begin with a clear and unmistakable spark, or is it generated slowly when it's the right person?

I'm at the same point as you right now. I'm just gonna see where it leads, and if it's only friendship, that's great! But if it's something more, that's fine, too.

lol. looks like all 3 of us are at the same point...and i flew to NY to meet my guy...

It can happen, the slow gradual build up. The only risk is being careful and not getting into the friends zone.

What's wrong with being just friends right now? If it happens, it happens.

It can happen, the slow gradual build up. The only risk is being careful and not getting into the friends zone.

All of my long term relationships were with someone I knew for a while first. I'm generally not an instant chemistry type of person; for me it takes a while to develop.

And by a while I mean a couple of weeks. Hey Skinnyone, are you busy tonight? :innocent:

My god. You people here on foo over analyze dating to death.

Go out for a few drinks and hit the sheets! Stop thinking soo much.

:lol: i likes yo' style efrobert!! :D

My god. You people here on foo over analyze dating to death.

Go out for a few drinks and hit the sheets! Stop thinking soo much.

Says the guy with ZZZZZZZZZZZ under his name....:innocent:

Do you act accordingly, move extremely slowly, at the risk of being aloof? Or do you err on the side of protecting them and just say you're not interested?

That one. It's not fair to wait for a spark (or whatever it is that you're waiting for)... in my experience, if the spark will exist at all, it will be almost immediate. Don't wait. Move on.

Edit: oftentimes, with someone I've know a while, I confuse "chemistry" with "comfort/familiarity". So I normally don't do the "friends first" stuff.

Says the guy with ZZZZZZZZZZZ under his name....:innocent:

:notamused:

listen to the women, aprilm's got it right on. Be pro-active and intentional in your action and being. Don't pvssyfoot around and "hope", take control of the situation!!! As mentioned, if you're doing the "friends/comfort/familiarity" thing, that is ALL that will happen in like 99.9999% of cases; it's a death-blow for romance and anything more (I could write volumes on 'why', don't bother, move on if you're wanting more than 'just friends').

As for a spark, what's wrong with bringing a gallon of gasoline and a lighter to the party, eh??? Live it up!!!*

----------------------------------------
* BTW - this part can be figurative or literally. I met my girlfriend of 4-years in school while I was tossing molotov cocktails and spray-can bombs into dumpers during the crazy Isla Vista Halloween riots. :)

All of my long term relationships were with someone I knew for a while first. I'm generally not an instant chemistry type of person; for me it takes a while to develop.

And by a while I mean a couple of weeks. Hey Skinnyone, are you busy tonight? :innocent:

I am actually busy.. Doing whatever you're doin.

My god. You people here on foo over analyze dating to death.

Go out for a few drinks and hit the sheets! Stop thinking soo much.

Dooooood - I'm still working on the dating site funkeh e-mails to one another and reviewing profiles if they are there ....

and if I respond - then that's what is the next request - WHEN CAN WE MEET!

:twitchy:

Hmmm - one e-mail response and WHEN!!!!!! Nooooooo!

Dooooood - I'm still working on the dating site funkeh e-mails to one another and reviewing profiles if they are there ....

and if I respond - then that's what is the next request - WHEN CAN WE MEET!

:twitchy:

Hmmm - one e-mail response and WHEN!!!!!! Nooooooo!

That's interesting. We should meet up and talk about that some more. Shoot me an email and let me know when you're free.

:thumb:


:p

I chuck em into the friend category. Usually, its a one-way street, but occasionally someone pulls a dangerous move and drives through the wrong way.

I chuck em into the friend category. Usually, its a one-way street, but occasionally someone pulls a dangerous move and drives through the wrong way.

crap. I'm pretty well screwed, huh...:p

What's wrong with being just friends right now? If it happens, it happens.

+1

I've known my gf for two years...been dating almost two months now.

what's wrong with being just friends right now? If it happens, it happens.

+1

I highly recommend following my philosophy of simply not dating. It isn't worth the hassle.

What's wrong with being just friends right now? If it happens, it happens.

so, does anyone think that meeting someone and maybe the sparkys are quite flying but you are still interested in getting to know the person is not the street to go down?? who's to say that once you get to know them a little better that the sparkys won't be there?? why should you throw them to the curb just because the sparkys don't immediately happen when you first meet them????

just askin' cause i've been out of the dating scene far too long and have no idea......

So far I am 0 - 2 on those dating site emails. No response. Of course, I'm never sure what to say in a first email to catch their attention. Sadly, I think that obligatory picture that is required sends them running.

dunno about the dating site place...i don't really know what to say either in an initial email and i'm also not sure as to whether i should be emailing the guys or waiting on them to email me...i tell ya what did work for nyguy though...he just wanted to ask a silly question and didnt ask until i said sure. he asked, i answered and we hit it off then and have just gone from there...just working on a friendship right now because, despite what some may say, i think having a good friend is important and if that friendship develops into something else, then great..if not, well, at least you have a good friend from it....maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, i don't know.

i think i've got a good pic up, the profile is pretty good - it represents who i am, what i'm looking for, but not much luck so far; except for nyguy...and a couple of guys who i seem to talk to regularly but they are 1) too far away at this time, 2) at least 10yrs younger, and 3) maybe they're just friends right now...but then that 3rd one falls right into my theory that you should be friends first.....who the hell knows??? :rolleyes:

so, does anyone think that meeting someone and maybe the sparkys are quite flying but you are still interested in getting to know the person is not the street to go down?? who's to say that once you get to know them a little better that the sparkys won't be there?? why should you throw them to the curb just because the sparkys don't immediately happen when you first meet them????

just askin' cause i've been out of the dating scene far too long and have no idea......

I'm not saying to give up on it or not try. I'm just the type the believes a true friendship is the strong base for a romantic relationship. And that with that type of relationship is a very deep trust - trust with feelings, trust with emotions, trust with that ability to help each other grow without judgment. Trust with the comfort of each other. Oh the sparks will be there, of course - and even more so with a true friendship, true love for that person. And then the romantic relationship will come naturally. :)

I'm not saying to give up on it or not try. I'm just the type the believes a true friendship is the strong base for a romantic relationship. And that with that type of relationship is a very deep trust - trust with feelings, trust with emotions, trust with that ability to help each other grow without judgment. Trust with the comfort of each other. Oh the sparks will be there, of course - and even more so with a true friendship, true love for that person. And then the romantic relationship will come naturally. :)

+10000000000000000000000000000000000 that's exactly how i feel. and, fortunately, that's the way nyguy feels too. we've agreed to give it a try. i just think, as you do, that to have a strong romantic relationship, one needs a good solid foundation - and that foundation being a strong, true friendship.

:thumb:

Agree w/ Siu and WP. Friendship is the most important aspect of any long term relationship. It is the glue that keeps people together.

Agree w/ Siu and WP. Friendship is the most important aspect of any long term relationship. It is the glue that keeps people together.

I do not want to be glued together with anyone. I mean, what happens when you are her has ta poop?

chemestry doesn't mean beans.

All of it goes out the window after 2 months, or when prettier female enters the picture.


you need to have substance, and GOOD BEHAVIOR! It seems young American females lack the ability to behave.

oh. and I dont want to be my womans friend. I have friends and she isn't it. I can at least talk to my buds about other women or something I actually care about, and chances are they will care too.

friends....LOL! with that attitude you guys are gonna end up divorced. Its more of a business agreement than a friendship.

chemestry doesn't mean beans.

All of it goes out the window after 2 months, or when prettier female enters the picture.


you need to have substance, and GOOD BEHAVIOR! It seems young American females lack the ability to behave.

oh. and I dont want to be my womans friend. I have friends and she isn't it. I can at least talk to my buds about other women or something I actually care about, and chances are they will care too.

friends....LOL! with that attitude you guys are gonna end up divorced. Its more of a business agreement than a friendship.

Really? Its been 20 years so far. We've had our moments, but we aren't divorced. And the things I do with my wife I DO NOT do with business partners (unless they look like Adriana Lima).

chemestry doesn't mean beans.

All of it goes out the window after 2 months, or when prettier female enters the picture.


you need to have substance, and GOOD BEHAVIOR! It seems young American females lack the ability to behave.

oh. and I dont want to be my womans friend. I have friends and she isn't it. I can at least talk to my buds about other women or something I actually care about, and chances are they will care too.

friends....LOL! with that attitude you guys are gonna end up divorced. Its more of a business agreement than a friendship.

no, see i think you're wrong...i've been married 2x. both times, we weren't really good friends to begin with. yes, we liked each other and i guess even loved each other, but the foundation to make it work and last just wasn't there. you need this foundation, to be able to totally trust, to be able to let them know your fears, secrets, fantasies, dreams, demons, to talk to each other about those things, to help each other grow (this last time, i grew and he didnt'), etc and this wasn't there with either man. i don't want to make the same mistake again. it's painful. it's not fun. i want to get to know this nyguy or any other guy, to build that foundation and if a romantic relationship grows - great...

Unless you just wanted sex, had you taken a more proffessional approach you could have made things work. Respect, and clear boundries are key to proffesionalism. when you get too familiar (sharing secres, demons, ect.) the respect vanishes, and with it any hope for the relationship to last. Did you ever call your husband a moron? If so, in that moment you created permanent damage on the relationship.

As a business agreement, the contract has to be fulfilled, and you have to protect your partnership and your assets. If you don't a competitor might take your business from under you. Meaning you have take care of your partners needs (whatever those may be, its different for everyone), and out-do the competition. That includes keeping a high quality product (taking care of yourself, including not becoming obese). If you don't your significant other leaves you for someone else. Yes it is a competition.

I Only feel bad for children as they come out pretty screwed up from these episodes. Most of society's problems can be solved with the simple act of a man and a woman STAYING TOGETHER.

You might make the argument that "how can I stay with someone I hate?", but if I have always respected you, been up front with you, and met your needs as was possible how can you have hate for me? You can't and if theres some weird need you have like being a nymphomaniac you can always negotiate an arrangement with your significant other BEFORE you take action.

maybe so...but getting married at 19yo, out partying and such prior to the marriage (and afterwards) to this guy, didn't build on anything but having fun & lots of sex. too young to know any better or how to work at making a marriage work. obviously, i didnt' learn from the first time cause it was similar the second time around. :rolleyes:

anyways...thanks for the input...it does give one things to think about...

WTF are you talking about. I hate dating questions.

I do not want to be glued together with anyone. I mean, what happens when you are her has ta poop?

love means never having to say I'm sorry I have to poo

Unless you just wanted sex, had you taken a more proffessional approach you could have made things work.

You might make the argument that "how can I stay with someone I hate?", but if I have always respected you, been up front with you, and met your needs as was possible how can you have hate for me? You can't and if theres some weird need you have like being a nymphomaniac you can always negotiate an arrangement with your significant other BEFORE you take action.

Just curious, how long have you been married?

maybe so...but getting married at 19yo, out partying and such prior to the marriage (and afterwards) to this guy, didn't build on anything but having fun & lots of sex. too young to know any better or how to work at making a marriage work. obviously, i didnt' learn from the first time cause it was similar the second time around. :rolleyes:

anyways...thanks for the input...it does give one things to think about...

I think that hits on the crux of the matter....in general, when we're younger we're more superficial...as we get older we not only (hopefully) have more depth, we're also less willing to put up with BS...maybe has to do with realizing you've only got so much time to enjoy life on this earth.

a pretty face, etc is wonderful and certainly you need that attraction factor, but yes, having someone you really respect and appreciate and who engages you emotionally and intellectually makes the relationship so much better and long lasting.

Regarding change - I remember someone telling me when I was young that a relationship is like two rods or sticks - when they first get together, people focus on the similarities and compatibilities they share, so it's like two parallel, straight rods. But as the relationship goes on and each partner's individuality emerges, the rods diverge from that parallel. So keeping the relationship alive and healthy depends on how far the deviations go from that original parallel point, and how flexible the rods are in allowing for deviations - can they bend to adjust to each other? Or are they rigid and in risk of snapping?

no, see i think you're wrong...i've been married 2x. both times, we weren't really good friends to begin with. yes, we liked each other and i guess even loved each other, but the foundation to make it work and last just wasn't there. you need this foundation, to be able to totally trust, to be able to let them know your fears, secrets, fantasies, dreams, demons, to talk to each other about those things, to help each other grow (this last time, i grew and he didnt'), etc and this wasn't there with either man. i don't want to make the same mistake again. it's painful. it's not fun. i want to get to know this nyguy or any other guy, to build that foundation and if a romantic relationship grows - great...

+1 I totally agree. If you want your relationship to last for the next 30 years, there has to be more between you than just wanting to jump in the sack.

What do you do if you're impressed with a dating prospect in terms of character, educations, shared interests, etc., but the initial chemistry between you is not a homerun. It could go somewhere, but not on the fast-track to romance. Do you act accordingly, move extremely slowly, at the risk of being aloof? Or do you err on the side of protecting them and just say you're not interested?

Maybe the real question is, does chemistry have begin with a clear and unmistakable spark, or is it generated slowly when it's the right person?

I think so.

In my experience, bad chemistry is when it's near impossible to talk to the other person. Those can turn around, but it's rarely happened with me, and it's a lot of work for little return.

Good chemistry is when it's easy to converse with a person, but it's a pretty standard conversation. The bulk of these haven't gone anywhere with me.

At least for me, it's great chemistry that makes me really want to see someone again (and get me disappointed if that doesn't happen). That happens when it's not only easy to converse with the person, but being with that person is just more than awesome.


What's wrong with being just friends right now? If it happens, it happens.

Some people want the unmistakable signs that things are going places; others really want the intercourse. For me, it's easy to not think about going relationship status when you're not looking, but I've been looking (and trying to stop) for several months now. When I'm in that stage, I try to let things progress naturally, but have that end goal right in the front of my mind.

It's really annoying.


My god. You people here on foo over analyze dating to death.

Go out for a few drinks and hit the sheets! Stop thinking soo much.

Casual sex sucks. Hence the analysis.


I'm not saying to give up on it or not try. I'm just the type the believes a true friendship is the strong base for a romantic relationship. And that with that type of relationship is a very deep trust - trust with feelings, trust with emotions, trust with that ability to help each other grow without judgment. Trust with the comfort of each other. Oh the sparks will be there, of course - and even more so with a true friendship, true love for that person. And then the romantic relationship will come naturally. :)

That's the strong base for any relationship, platonic or otherwise.

Has anyone asked a complete stranger out?

Cus I been going to Doctors Office/Physical Therapy place at least twice a week for last 3 weeks. The PT Receptionist looks young (aka close to my age) and doesn't wear any noticeable rings on important fingers. And lately she's been welcoming me by my first name. Of course, I haven't really said much back to her (nervous wreck and all) but i daydreamed yesterday of asking her out to dinner. Lunch wouldn't be feasibly, as it would take me all of my 30 min lunch break to make it up to that area of town. And I don't drink (so drinks after work dont work so well either). Of course, daydreaming is one thing. Doubt i'd ever actually get the nerve to ask her in front of a quiet office of other physically-challenge people.

Has anyone asked a complete stranger out?

Cus I been going to Doctors Office/Physical Therapy place at least twice a week for last 3 weeks. The PT Receptionist looks young (aka close to my age) and doesn't wear any noticeable rings on important fingers. And lately she's been welcoming me by my first name. Of course, I haven't really said much back to her (nervous wreck and all) but i daydreamed yesterday of asking her out to dinner. Lunch wouldn't be feasibly, as it would take me all of my 30 min lunch break to make it up to that area of town. And I don't drink (so drinks after work dont work so well either). Of course, daydreaming is one thing. Doubt i'd ever actually get the nerve to ask her in front of a quiet office of other physically-challenge people.

Start with something simple like going for coffee.

I'm an alien - I don't drink Coffee/Tea/Alcohol so my dilemma :(

I'm an alien - I don't drink Coffee/Tea/Alcohol so my dilemma :(

Weirdo, also remember she has access to all your medical information...

I'm an alien - I don't drink Coffee/Tea/Alcohol so my dilemma :(

Just try something low-risk and not "date"-like. Go to a café and have something else. If you want something fun to do, try bowling or karaoke or something.

I think that hits on the crux of the matter....in general, when we're younger we're more superficial...as we get older we not only (hopefully) have more depth, we're also less willing to put up with BS...maybe has to do with realizing you've only got so much time to enjoy life on this earth.

a pretty face, etc is wonderful and certainly you need that attraction factor, but yes, having someone you really respect and appreciate and who engages you emotionally and intellectually makes the relationship so much better and long lasting.

Regarding change - I remember someone telling me when I was young that a relationship is like two rods or sticks - when they first get together, people focus on the similarities and compatibilities they share, so it's like two parallel, straight rods. But as the relationship goes on and each partner's individuality emerges, the rods diverge from that parallel. So keeping the relationship alive and healthy depends on how far the deviations go from that original parallel point, and how flexible the rods are in allowing for deviations - can they bend to adjust to each other? Or are they rigid and in risk of snapping?

I think it also depends on the person. I was never really gung-ho about having lots of sex, like many guys that I know at school. On top of that, a lot of my sexual experiences were good in the moment, but would lead to so much crap afterwards. That's what helped me realize that what I'm looking for is a lot more than just something pretty.

Plus, it's usually been that most of the pretty ones are the most jaded anyway.

Hmm...well, she only does the Physical Therapy side of things, so she'd know I have lower back issues, but its not like I am walking around in a caste or anything, so can't be too serious (in her eyes). Tuesday/Thursday of next week are my last appointments I think, so if I were to do anything, it'd have to be then.

In all honesty, I have no idea what there is to do. Nor do I know anything about her other then her name (Amy). The area has a bunch of restuarants, which is why I was thinking dinner since I imagine she lives within 30 mins of the area (as do I). It would be so much easier if i could just ask her out for a drink, but that would look peculiar. So, do I ask if maybe she wants to go hang out sometime or go bowling/minigolfing? That sounds more datish then dinner to me though.

It would be so much easier if i could just ask her out for a drink, but that would look peculiar.

Why is it peculiar? You can always drink water, soda; heck take her to get a smoothie if that works for you.

Hmm...well, she only does the Physical Therapy side of things, so she'd know I have lower back issues, but its not like I am walking around in a caste or anything, so can't be too serious (in her eyes). Tuesday/Thursday of next week are my last appointments I think, so if I were to do anything, it'd have to be then.

Just FYI, but I work in healthcare administration. Many medical facilities have rules about not allowing their staff to date current patients due to ethical issues. Also, many female healthcare staffers are sick and tired of being hit on by patients at work. They are pleasant and courteous to all patients but sometimes patients mistake that as flirting or a come-on.

This is not to say that you may be the exception, but don't be surprised if she says no.

Just FYI, but I work in healthcare administration. Many medical facilities have rules about not allowing their staff to date current patients due to ethical issues. Also, many female healthcare staffers are sick and tired of being hit on by patients at work. They are pleasant and courteous to all patients but sometimes patients mistake that as flirting or a come-on.

This is not to say that you may be the exception, but don't be surprised if she says no.

Well that takes out all the fun. ^^^^

She might be sitting there thinking there are all these cute guys but I can never get a date. You only live once & only get one or maybe two chances to act on urges. All you have to do is ask. Coffee shop would be nice and relaxing. It won't hurt that bad if she says "no" because you won't see her again. Good luck & think positive!

listen to the women, aprilm's got it right on. Be pro-active and intentional in your action and being. Don't pvssyfoot around and "hope", take control of the situation!!! As mentioned, if you're doing the "friends/comfort/familiarity" thing, that is ALL that will happen in like 99.9999% of cases; it's a death-blow for romance and anything more (I could write volumes on 'why', don't bother, move on if you're wanting more than 'just friends').

As for a spark, what's wrong with bringing a gallon of gasoline and a lighter to the party, eh??? Live it up!!!*

----------------------------------------
* BTW - this part can be figurative or literally. I met my girlfriend of 4-years in school while I was tossing molotov cocktails and spray-can bombs into dumpers during the crazy Isla Vista Halloween riots. :)

She really lit your wick, eh?:thumb: