Fifty Plus (50+) - Need Advice from those with Married Kids

Dear 50+:

Is it proper cycling etiquette to invite my daughter's boyfriend out for a ride????

My oldest daughter is not long out of college and has been in and out of relationships. Just a hunch but her current steady might just be the one......While the relationship is in its infancy there are a lot of indicators that would suggest something more permanent might be in the mix.

He's really a nice young man and I don't want to run him off but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter. Plus there's nothing like a nice ride on the roads to get to know one another.

After all, I have a bike that would be a perfect fit for him. I would really, really try and behave on the ride and not do anything mischievous.........like hammer up the hills, ride behind him like I was having trouble keeping up or stretch it out just a few miles too long???? But he is at least half my age and was a 4 year cross country and track star at a major university so I'm sure he wouldn't have any trouble keeping up with this old fella.

So 50+, what advice can you offer?

A bike ride is a bike ride.
Ask him what he thinks.

Remember bicycling muscles and aerobics are different than running. We have had numerous tales of folks going from running to bicycling and getting wiped out. I had the same phenomenon when I started swimming. One length of the pool did me in.

I wonder if it might be appropriate to ask your daughter if she would mind your asking the fellow?

". . . but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter."

I see this as a red flag!

This is your daughter's decision, IMHO.

Sure, ride with him if you want to. I don't have a daughter, but my stepson's stepdaughter is like a granddaughter to me. I have ridden with her boyfriend a number of times. He's 17, looks a lot like President Obama, and rides a BMX bike. He rides that little bike 60 miles or more almost every day! I think I'm the first person he met who's as crazy about bikes as he is. Our rides have been fun and we're kind of like friends now.

You know, jppe, if your daughter decides to stick with this guy, you're stuck with him too. As the older and more mature party, you probably should try to make him feel comfortable and welcome in the family. It would mean a lot to both him and your daughter.

There is nothing wrong with inviting him for a ride. Showing him up, on the other hand, would be considered bad form. And don't take it as a bad omen if he isn't into cycling. If he is the one, you'll have years to convert him.

While hopefully and probably things will go well, there may be a dynamic here as old as the species....something about winning the daughter away from the father. From folktales to Shakespeare, well-meaning fathers are ritually overcome as their daughters are spirited away. A simple bike ride might become a joust.

But, more likely, you'll get a chance to really meet one another, be informal, realize the other person is just fine, and maybe find an occasional riding partner for (if he is the one) family gatherings, Thanksgiving day rides, etc.

Beside, think how much fun you'll have anticipating how nervous he'll be before the ride. You might lower his tire pressure a bit-- just to handicap his youth.

With both my daughters- I invited their boyfriends out for rides. They already had bikes so no problems. I rode offroad and they had mountain bikes so I took them out on some serious terrain. Well they were a lot younger than me so they could take it. Several of them declined and one or two I never saw again.

But one of them- Who eventually became my Son-in-law, realised that this was good and bought a sensible bike within 6 months. He still rides a bit but not enough and has turned into my occasional Tandem Partner. We get on like a house on fire but the daughter regrets it.

Apparantly we get on so well because we are alike. She now says that he has learnt my sense of humour- has the same moods as me- and it is like living in the same house as her dad again ocasionally.

We get on like a house on fire but the daughter regrets it.


Exactly. I say leave the boyfriends/husbands alone and let the daughter decide if she really likes them or what. Most likely, the least interest they show in her family, and even her, the more she'll like the dude. Women are weird like that.

Let the kids work it out on their own.

Once they are engaged or married, perhaps. Very dangerous thing to do now.

Invite the guy for a bike ride. It would be a good way to get to know him and for him to get to know you. Also, it will be a good way to get some miles in.

No one in this family, except for yours truly, rides bikes anymore; however, during the Thanksgiving trip, I invited son, daughter, and daughter's boy friend to go shooting with me. We all went and had a good time. I got to know boy friend a little better, and I'm glad we all went together.

Boy friend had his own pistol. To his credit, he was safe and responsible with it, and seemed to be a straight-up guy. The old man smoked him, however:D as did the daughter with the old man's pistol.:D Boy friend had a good sense of humor about the whole thing, so we all had a good time. Thus far, he's approved.

Smoking the boy friend on the bicycle would be a different story. If you do that, then he's by himself, and you're by yourself, and you would lose the camaraderie, which is, I believe, what you are seeking. Just do a low-key ride, and ascertain and accommodate his abilities, i.e. stay together and get to know him. You may develop respect for each other.

". . . but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter."

I see this as a red flag!

That's what I think too.

By the way, if you didn't have some pretty serious misgivings you wouldn't have felt the need to ask. I think that's pretty perceptive on your part.

". . . but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter."

I see this as a red flag!

Me three. On the other hand, there's nothing stopping you from inviting BOTH your daughter and her boyfriend out for a ride. That way you'll have company when he leaves you in the dust. ;)

Dear 50+:
He's really a nice young man and I don't want to run him off but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter. Plus there's nothing like a nice ride on the roads to get to know one another.

:thumb: I've four daughters which probably disqualifies me entirely, but I think taking him for a ride is fine as long as you have a way to get the bike back and the forensic evidence can't link you to his disapperance! :roflmao2:

I would hold on inviting him on a ride, wait for him to invite you. Perfectly fair to let your cycling passion be known, but let him make the first move. I was still commuting to work when my son and GF (now wonderful DIL) bought their house and got involved in developing a MUP to the beach. They invited us on one of their rides, and we were then able to share those group rides. We don't ride together a lot, but really enjoy the rides we do share. It takes a while to establish those relationships.

Dear 50+:

......While the relationship is in its infancy there are a lot of indicators that would suggest something more permanent might be in the mix.

it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter.

So 50+, what advice can you offer?

35 years ago my "Girl Friend" heard many complaints from her folks that I was not proper material for their daughter. We've been married for over 33 years and our marriage has weathered many serious crises that tend to end marriages such as serious illnesses of a spouse, deaths of children, seious illness of children, financial woes etc. We're glad she ignored her parent's well intentioned but wrong advice.

My advice as the father of a 23 and two 19 year old daughters, stay out of her love life. You've raised her, now it's time for her to put all the principles you've taught her to use living her life. Step back , there'll be plenty of time to share what's important to you with this fellow after your daughter has decided what direction her relationship with this young man will take.

Just my opinion of course....

Happy Trails

". . . but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter."

I see this as a red flag!

This is your daughter's decision, IMHO.

ITA.

Our daughter came home w/her BF of ~2 yrs. He rides in the city. We invited all the kids for a ride, a flat, easy 10 mi. to a bike-friendly coffee shop and home. Son declined, daughter declined, BF accepted. In borrowed clothes, on a borrowed bike, he braved the chill, the unfamiliar roads, and his possible-future-in-laws and rode with us.

First we wanted to grill him on his intentions. We tempered that with the idea of just letting him know we're looking out after her. Finally, we decided to just ride and see what came up. Ultimately it's her decision, not ours, to keep him or let him go, and we'll abide by that. If this boy is the one we'll have years and years of rides and we'd rather they be pleasant.

BTW, we behaved ourselves -- taught him some basic drafting skills, kept the ride and pace easy, and bought him the beverage of his choice at the coffee shop. While we still don't have the answers we want about him, we know not to interfere. And we know he's not afraid to put himself in uncomfortable situations.

Good luck, jppe. It's a tough place to be, wanting to suss out your kid's possible lifemate without causing strife. I vote for a regular ol' bike ride, and let the conversation go where it may.

I stay out of the kids love lives but my daughter's boyfriend invited me on a ride first. We had known each other for around 8 months when I got my C'dale and he obtained a Trek. We do family rides around the area we live in with the clear, open and rolling roads. It is a great way to get to know each other. I would not use the rides to judge him however. He has too many positives to let riding make the decision. To each his (or her) own.

Bill

Dear 50+:

Is it proper cycling etiquette to invite my daughter's boyfriend out for a ride????



After all, I have a bike that would be a perfect fit for him. I would really, really try and behave on the ride and not do anything mischievous.........like hammer up the hills, ride behind him like I was having trouble keeping up or stretch it out just a few miles too long???? But he is at least half my age and was a 4 year cross country and track star at a major university so I'm sure he wouldn't have any trouble keeping up with this old fella.

So 50+, what advice can you offer?



Admit it, ya just wanna drop his young behind...:p

I have two sons, and neither daughter-in-law likes cycling. One is afraid of it, the other merely dislikes it. Both of my sons still ride, one is trying to get his wife (via their kids) into cycling, the other doesn't give it much effort.

Still, you never know. Since I didn't have any daughters, my advice does not apply to the OP!

Rick / OCRR

All of this discussion reminds me of a movie possibility, certainly starring Chevy Chase as the dad!

He's really a nice young man and I don't want to run him off but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter.

This is the wrong reason to invite on a bike ride or anything else. You can do nothing positive and probably a whole lot of negative by thinking you are going to have something to do with your daughter's decision for a life mate.

My daughter dated a real loser seriously, but my wife and I kept our mouths shut and our noses out of it. She figured it out on her own, ditched the guy and ended up marrying a really great guy.

By the way, why not ask your daughter how she feels about your riding with her boyfriend?

Bob
Father of a married son and married daughter.

If I were a non-cycling young man just getting to know a girl, I wouldn't ride with her father. If he offered to take you on a cross-country running date (to check you out) would you accept?

In this case "look at it from his perspective" applies.

I say leave the boyfriends/husbands alone and let the daughter decide if she really likes them or what. Most likely, the least interest they show in her family, and even her, the more she'll like the dude. Women are weird like that.

Don't know whats wrong with the younger set. They get mixed up with all kinds of creeps. Some of which took some persuading never to appear on my doorstep again.

Many years later and Seeing what both my daughters finished up with--I was right. Two great daughters and two great son-in-laws.

Find a remote area to ride and if need be, you can off him and make it look like an accident.

Seriously, I agree with the others. At your daughters age this is not the time for "guy inspection measuring up." You've done your job Dad. Get to know him, not necessarily on "your turf". (bicycle).
If she were in middle school, I'd be singing a different tune.

Dear 50+:

He's really a nice young man and I don't want to run him off but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter. Plus there's nothing like a nice ride on the roads to get to know one another.

After further introspection and as the father of a wonderful 18 yr old daughter, I've decided to cut some slack on this comment.
Fellow dads of daughters, who claims to approach that first meeting with completely open and non-judgmental mind?
Yes, I confess to a bit of measuring up; does he treat her well? Does he have goals? A plan? Is he a kind soul? etc..etc..
The trick for goodness sake, is that we need to keep our mouth shut... :thumb:

Don't know whats wrong with the younger set. They get mixed up with all kinds of creeps. Some of which took some persuading never to appear on my doorstep again.

I remember telling one of my daughters that "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince."

My best gauge was the "Julio test". Julio was a large black mixed breed dog. When boys would show up at our door Julio would lick some excitedly and growl at others. In one case we had to restrain Julio. Julio turned out to be 100% accurate in rateing the character or suiters. I miss that dog.

Uh - all three of my daughters have chosen men of good character to marry. My two sons have chosen well too. I personally am the grand prize winner in the lottery of love but I still wasn't asked to help with any of their selections.

Sorry, I don't believe it is up to you to decide if the guy is right for your daughter or not. But I sure understand as a father wanting to know more about the guy who may take your daughter away. Looking at your avatar, a day on the golf course will reveal a lot about one's character. Invite him for a round of golf, you may have a better time.

Might be generally true that daughters don't bring home boyfriends for testing and judgment...but they do bring them home wanting approval and harmony-- they want them to be liked and valued for all the virtues they themselves see in these guys. Fathers are sometimes in an awkward spot. It always takes me some time to "like" a boyfriend. When I get to know my 23 year old's bf's, I generally do find something to like-- and maybe something to be a little tentative about. Riding, golf, anything that tends to break down formalities and guarded reactions is probably a good thing in the process of dad accepting and hopefully approving what might be inevitable anyway. (Sometimes easier to say than to do.)

Bike ride's fine, but her selection of a husband has nothing to do with you. It's not your business or your place to decide if he's "proper material." You have NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, and nothing you do say will have the desired effect. Be pleasant, be entertaining, take him for a ride if you want, but butt out of the selection process. How much would you have appreciated your girlfriend's parents' input when YOU were that age?
BTW, I say this as the father of a 23-year-old who's made some decisions I consider to be really awful ones. You can give guidance if it's requested, but she's an adult and she's entitled to run her own life and make her own mistakes, just like all the rest of us did.

All of this discussion reminds me of a movie possibility, certainly starring Chevy Chase as the dad!

Trust me when I tell you, as someone who has ridden with jppe, ain't no way Chevy's gonna match that gentleman's prowess on a bike. Maybe if we could dye Eddie Merckx hair pure white...;)

35 years ago my "Girl Friend" heard many complaints from her folks that I was not proper material for their daughter. We've been married for over 33 years and our marriage has weathered many serious crises that tend to end marriages such as serious illnesses of a spouse, deaths of children, seious illness of children, financial woes etc. We're glad she ignored her parent's well intentioned but wrong advice.

My advice as the father of a 23 and two 19 year old daughters, stay out of her love life. You've raised her, now it's time for her to put all the principles you've taught her to use living her life. Step back , there'll be plenty of time to share what's important to you with this fellow after your daughter has decided what direction her relationship with this young man will take.

Just my opinion of course....

Happy Trails

Agree 100%. In Saudi Arabia fathers determine who is suitable for their daughter. In our society it is a good way to become estranged from our daughters.

I agree letting be is usually best and meddling can usually bring unhappiness for all.......but the real rub comes when she looks at you expecting and hoping for approval and you have little or none to give: which is when dads really earn their Father's Day gift.

Ask him for a casual ride, for gosh sakes! If he's serious about your daughter he'll try like heck to fit in. He's marrying your girl, but he's marrying into the entire family. Can't think of many cases where a marriage w/o support of everyone was a total success. They're going to need your love and support at some time and those relationships start now!

Keep in mind that he knows you'll be scoping him out. Keep if fun and casual.

This is only marginally OK if he rides already.
If it isn't even close to OK if he isn't. That's just too much weird pressure.

Dear 50+:

Is it proper cycling etiquette to invite my daughter's boyfriend out for a ride????


So 50+, what advice can you offer?

First off, don't take relationship advice from this crowd........many of us obviously don't get a bit of irony.
So, is biking a better idea than 18 holes of golf????? Anyway, my only thought is to be careful that you don't really hit it off with a guy she may decide to dump in favor of a Cat 1 racer who builds his own frames......:speedy:

On a different note, I am going to be in Charlotte in early January....you got time for a ride???

I agree letting be is usually best and meddling can usually bring unhappiness for all.......but the real rub comes when she looks at you expecting and hoping for approval and you have little or none to give: which is when dads really earn their Father's Day gift.

Cool post. I came back to read it a second time.

:)

My goodness, what has become of the real men in this forum? The advice being given here sounds as mild and inoffensive as that from Dear Abby or some other columnist. Are we not cyclists? Are we not fathers? Are we not cycling fathers?

Here is my advice, as the father of three daughters, one married, two with serious boyfriends:

1. Offer, no, insist that they come ride with you.
2. Start slow with constant chatter, and speed up while talking to get a feel for when his heart rate gets too high to speak, thereby judging cardiac fitness.
3. Speed up some more, and be sure to loop back when he falls behind. Ride beside him talking and drinking while he is huffing along.
4. Race him to the speed limit sign ahead and then absolutely smoke him.
5. Pull into the driveway about two minutes ahead, walk into the house nonchalantly and be drinking a cool class of water when Ralphie comes in, close to death, in front of the rest of the family, including the daughter in question.

Your point will be made.

On a related note, I heard this tidbit of news about a daughter's boyfriend's family over the holidays. The boyfriend has a brother who is out of school and working. He is getting married in April to a nice woman in the Univ. of Florida medical school, and the wedding plans are ongoing. However, they legally got married last fall for two reasons: (1) so she could get on his health insurance, and (2) so he could play intramural flag football on a UF team (spouses of students can play in the intramural league). Kids these days.

I agree letting be is usually best and meddling can usually bring unhappiness for all.......but the real rub comes when she looks at you expecting and hoping for approval and you have little or none to give: which is when dads really earn their Father's Day gift.

This is supposed to be a serious life time commitment. I appreciate the sentiment of your comment, but not the reality. A father's approval is not really a part of the equation and I don't get the "little or none to give". It makes it sound like some kind of research project that has to be done to be able to pass. For me, I raised my daughter the best I knew how. I "approved" of her mate choice solely on the basis that she chose him.

Bob

My goodness, what has become of the real men in this forum? The advice being given here sounds as mild and inoffensive as that from Dear Abby or some other columnist. Are we not cyclists? Are we not fathers? Are we not cycling fathers?

Go get 'em, John Wayne. Your advice is funny.

Bob

I'm not a father. Just not possible. But I would wait a bit until you are sure they are serious. Then approach it as "getting to know the future SIL" rather than vetting prospects.

This is supposed to be a serious life time commitment. I appreciate the sentiment of your comment, but not the reality. A father's approval is not really a part of the equation and I don't get the "little or none to give". It makes it sound like some kind of research project that has to be done to be able to pass. For me, I raised my daughter the best I knew how. I "approved" of her mate choice solely on the basis that she chose him.[quote=wrobertdavis;8086445]

Bob, Most daughters don't depend on their parents' approval of whom they marry-- nor should they. Dependence on others' approval is seldom good. But, in a close family, I think people generally want others to share their pleasure, their trust in the future, their excitement over the new "someone special" in their lives. Same goes for a single parent getting re-married wanting their kids' acceptance. People usually want harmony, acceptance, and reassurance about this big change in their lives. But sometimes a parent just may not see the same value in that someone special that their kid does. Especially if there have been bad choices preceding. A jobless bum, a bad marital history, doesn't cycle, whatever.

Of necessity, I have to go with my kids' decisions but I can't abandon feelings of caution, personal instincts, my own life experience, or my concern for them.

But all we're really talking about here is jppe going a few miles with very probably a nice young man and sharing a bit of sweat together-- a good way to bond probably.

A fantastic way to assess his charatcer and res:)pect for you, the family and your daughter. Just make it an easy ride but make it clear that if ya needed to you could easily drop him.
Great idea.....keeep us informed
Good luck

My daughter is too young for me to have to deal with boyfriend's yet, but speaking of dad's of daughters...Once upon a time, the dad of the girl I should have married offered each of us $1000 to work a physics class into our liberal arts college schedule (she was an English major and I a Philosophy major) because it was his hobby and he wanted someone to talk to about it! We took the class, I refused the money of course but he gave it to her and she paid for our spring break vacation with it.

My goodness, what has become of the real men in this forum?

This is 50+, man. We've grown up and become adults. Tha ability to kick someone's booty isn't the way that we achieve respect from other adults.

This is supposed to be a serious life time commitment. I appreciate the sentiment of your comment, but not the reality. A father's approval is not really a part of the equation and I don't get the "little or none to give". It makes it sound like some kind of research project that has to be done to be able to pass. For me, I raised my daughter the best I knew how. I "approved" of her mate choice solely on the basis that she chose him.

Bob

Agreed Bob. I have two daughters, one great son-in-law and another "in training". :)

Respect and "approval" is necessarily mutual.

He's really a nice young man and I don't want to run him off but it's important to see if he's proper material for my daughter.

Man, I thought those days were long gone. If you want to pick her mate you could go for some kind of arranged marriage like they have in say, Tibet. Good or bad you have to let your adult kids make these decisions.

You might lower his tire pressure a bit-- just to handicap his youth.

ROTFLMAO!!!:roflmao2: That's the best line I've heard in a loooooooong time, classic! Ya invite him along for ride, the worse he can say is NO and the daughter might take it as juster of acceptence of the boyfriend. Take it from a 50+er with 2 30 something daughter's, what YOU think of the man your daughter might marry, means basicly, "diddley-squat" in the end decision, FYI.

Just don't attack him on the hills, unless he attacks you first.

What's kool about this thread is the way it illustrates the no easy answers of being a parent. No matter what conclusion I might come to... I would probably have second thoughts about it. In the end, as long as you've been at least a half-assed parent, things will work out with or without you about the way they are going to anyway.

But I'd still drop his tire pressure and give the cable adjuster on his rear derailleur a quarter turn.