General Cycling Discussion - Ask gonesh9

In this thread try to think of me as the Dear Abby of cycling... only younger and hairier. I'll use this thread in my cycling zine, so please understand that your questions and my answers will be published and distributed to a whopping dozens of people. Please understand that I know less than you do about cycling, and my answers will most likely be wrong and if taken seriously can result in sudden loss of eyesight, extreme inebriation, or the formation of mysterious sores in the shoulder area. There are no boundaries to the questions other than they must in some way deal with cycling whether directly or indirectly.

So lay back on gonesh9's purple velvet cyber couch and ask what you've always wanted to know.

Dear gonesh9,

Why are steering components such as headsets, stem clamps/quills, & steerer tube diameters measured in inches while the rest of the bike are measured in metric?

Confused in Los Angeles

Dear gonesh9,

Why are steering components such as headsets, stem clamps/quills, & steerer tube diameters measured in inches while the rest of the bike are measured in metric?

Confused in Los Angeles
DUDE! :eek: Can I try to answer?

Dear gonesh9,

Why are steering components such as headsets, stem clamps/quills, & steerer tube diameters measured in inches while the rest of the bike are measured in metric?

Confused in Los Angeles

Dear Confused,

Los Angeles is a very smoggy yet exciting city. Many movies are filmed there, and the fine line between make-believe and reality is often blurred. Consider this: there is 25.4mm in every inch, but only 12 inches in a foot. Something is missing here. It is my understanding that the steering components need to be designed without that 13.4 mm-in conversion mystery flaw, so as to produce a smooth turning radius. Another interesting point I would like to make is that men have nipples, but don't breast feed. All they do is get chaffed by jerseys on hot humid days. Sounds fishy to me.

*edited for incorrect conversion factor

Should I ride a Unicycle in the snow?

Consider this: there is 24.5mm in every inch, .

That's 25.4mm=1"

Dear Gonesh:
Does it hurt anything if I wear my French shoes when I ride my English Bike?

That's 25.4mm=1"

I stand corrected, thank you Allister.

Should I ride a Unicycle in the snow?

Dear Akirafist,

If you have to ask this question I think you already know the answer. But let me humor you anyways...

As you presumably know, uni means ONE. Snow spelled backwards is WONs.
You seem to have a deep self-gratification complex, and the first step is to admit it.
Taking Dr. George Clinton's equation for intergalactic funk into consideration, the calculation is as such:

∑ (ONE) * X revolutions + zebra striped jumpsuit / [backwards(sNOW)] = FUN
So yes, you should definitely ride a unicycle in the snow, it would be fun.

Dear Gonesh:
Does it hurt anything if I wear my French shoes when I ride my English Bike?

Dear ollo_ollo,

The English have Pink Floyd, the BBC, Mini Coopers, and Monty Python. What do the French have besides their french fries, french bread, french kiss, and Napoleon? The French are extremely jealous of the English, and have designed their cycling shoes to go through a chemical reaction when used in conjunction with an English bike. Your feet will start aging very rapidly, until they resemble the dried up plum that fell in between your couch cushions last October. Let this be a lesson to everyone: Never ever ride your English bike with French shoes, and check under the cushions before crashing on ollo_ollo's couch.

DUDE! :eek: Can I try to answer?

Dear Chuvak,

Yes, be my guest to give it your best shot at answering Confused's inquiry.

But then, I'd like to ask you a few questions regarding that incident with your pet hamster, a popsicle, and degreasing fluid.

But then, I'd like to ask you a few questions regarding that incident with your pet hamster, a popsicle, and degreasing fluid. And just how do you know about this supposed incident?...

Dear gonesh9

How likely is it that you will have children if your parents didn't?

Dear Gonesh,
can you tell me what year is this bike and perhaps a specific model of it (other than the fact it's a rockhopper). also, if you can help me find the spec sheets and the geometry of this bike that would be great! here are some pics.

Rockhopper (Dear Gonesh,)

Thanks in advance!
rui :p

Dear ruirui,

It is a 2004 model Poulan Weedeater brand gasoline weed trimmer, model BC2400. You're really not messing around with this one!

http://www.weedeater.com/products//images/models/bc2400.jpg

-----------------------------------
Product Features
8" Weed Blade Included
Gear drive for more torque and better performance than belt-driven models
Heavy Duty Automatic Clutch
NOT FOR SALE IN CALIFORNIA
Primer Bulb for Easy Starting
Tap N Go® VI Dual Exit Head Line Advance
Product Specifications
Approximate Shipping Weight - 13.5 lbs.
Cutting Path - 17" / 43cm
Engine Size - 24 cc
Line Diameter - .065" / 1.65 mm
Shaft Length - 52"
Shaft Type - Straight
Warranty - 2 Year Limited
--------------------------------------

Dear Gonesh9,


I am very confused and don't know where to turn for advice, so I'm writing to you. Most of my friends know me as a hardtail riding XC kinda guy, the type that wears baggy shorts and isn't afraid to try a mild drop or two, likes to do thirty mile singletrack runs and kick back with the guys for a brew or two after the ride. A lot of times I even ride to the trailhead right from my house. Sometimes, though, I have to indulge in a secret pleasure. Then I load my Italian road bike into my Tahoe under the cover of darkness, and with my spandex hidden by an old pair of shorts, I leave the neighborhood to ride with another crowd. This is a fast crowd. Most of my regular riding buds wouldn't fit in here, some of these guys even wear bibs and shave their legs. There is something quite alluring about the thought of taking my place in a fast paceline, and maybe even taking a pull or two. I know if my XC pals ever caught me in my spandex and ugly shoes I could never live it down. I feel torn in two, what can I do?

Signed, Dr. Jekyll

Dear Gonesh9: How do I keep all the suburbanites in cars out of my City? And what is the BEST bike for my five mile commute?

Dear gonesh9

How likely is it that you will have children if your parents didn't?

Well, you have most likely heard of the concept of immaculate conception, but are you aware of the phenomenon known as immaculate parentisation? It only occurs when the moon is aligned with Uranus, er, your anus, at the exact time that Frank Zappa is dental flossing a pygmy pony.

I'd say it's about a one in a million chance, much better if you live in California or Iceland.

Dear Gonesh9,

I messed up my BB threads trying to install a new BB myself, and the guy down the street told me I needed a left handed tap to fix the threads. I think he's pulling my leg. Can't I just turn the bike around and tap the threads forom the other side?

Dear Gonesh9: How do I keep all the suburbanites in cars out of my City? And what is the BEST bike for my five mile commute?

Dear randya,

Hands down, the BEST bike for your five mile commute is a tall chopper such as this lovely specimen:

http://www.dclxvi.org/chunk/meet/chopper/tall/image/lord075.jpg

As for keeping all the suburbanites out of cars in your (our) city, I have a few simple suggestions:


1. Gather a large contingency of cyclists to lay giant farts in every parked car in the city.
2. Keep on riding with a smile, soon they'll all want to come try it themselves.
3. Dream on.

Dear ruirui,

It is a 2004 model Poulan Weedeater brand gasoline weed trimmer, model BC2400. You're really not messing around with this one!

http://www.weedeater.com/products//images/models/bc2400.jpg

-----------------------------------
Product Features
8" Weed Blade Included
Gear drive for more torque and better performance than belt-driven models
Heavy Duty Automatic Clutch
NOT FOR SALE IN CALIFORNIA
Primer Bulb for Easy Starting
Tap N Go® VI Dual Exit Head Line Advance
Product Specifications
Approximate Shipping Weight - 13.5 lbs.
Cutting Path - 17" / 43cm
Engine Size - 24 cc
Line Diameter - .065" / 1.65 mm
Shaft Length - 52"
Shaft Type - Straight
Warranty - 2 Year Limited
--------------------------------------

you must be joking.........

Dear Gonesh9,

I messed up my BB threads trying to install a new BB myself, and the guy down the street told me I needed a left handed tap to fix the threads. I think he's pulling my leg. Can't I just turn the bike around and tap the threads forom the other side?

Dear Buzzbomb,

Your friend is indeed pulling your leg, and it's pretty obvious to me that he has a severe crush on you. His desire to watch you turn that left handed tap most likely stems from a deep rooted fear of commitment coupled with a transexual yearning and a penchant for blue snow cones. It is all too common and very obvious to the outside observer.
Walk, don't run with scizzors, down to his house and give him a good playful slap on the ass. Then have him hold your bike while you tap that bottom bracket hard from the rear in a powerful thrusting motion. Make sure to clean up well afterwards, as it can be a very messy job.

Dear gonesh9,

All the pics of John Kerry riding his bicycle never show an air pump or a bag with spare tubes, or anything but water for that matter. Is John Kerry too good to get a flat tire?

http://www.wonkette.com/images/leaning%20to%20the%20right.jpg

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20040502/capt.srs10105021700.kerry_srs101.jpg

Dear Gonesh9,


I am very confused and don't know where to turn for advice, so I'm writing to you. Most of my friends know me as a hardtail riding XC kinda guy, the type that wears baggy shorts and isn't afraid to try a mild drop or two, likes to do thirty mile singletrack runs and kick back with the guys for a brew or two after the ride. A lot of times I even ride to the trailhead right from my house. Sometimes, though, I have to indulge in a secret pleasure. Then I load my Italian road bike into my Tahoe under the cover of darkness, and with my spandex hidden by an old pair of shorts, I leave the neighborhood to ride with another crowd. This is a fast crowd. Most of my regular riding buds wouldn't fit in here, some of these guys even wear bibs and shave their legs. There is something quite alluring about the thought of taking my place in a fast paceline, and maybe even taking a pull or two. I know if my XC pals ever caught me in my spandex and ugly shoes I could never live it down. I feel torn in two, what can I do?
Signed, Dr. Jekyll

Dear Dr. Jekyll,

As Lao Tzu states very eloquently in the Tao Te Ching,

The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth
While naming is the origin of the myriad things.
Therefore, always desireless, you see the mystery
Ever desiring, you see the manifestations.
These two are the same—
When they appear they are named differently.
This sameness is the mystery,
Mystery within mystery;
The door to all marvels.

Dear gonesh9,

All the pics of John Kerry riding his bicycle never show an air pump or a bag with spare tubes, or anything but water for that matter. Is John Kerry too good to get a flat tire?

http://www.wonkette.com/images/leaning%20to%20the%20right.jpg

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20040502/capt.srs10105021700.kerry_srs101.jpg

Dear akirafist,

The real question we all want to know is this:

Is our current president a Bush or a Chimp?

http://www.bushorchimp.com/images/pic86.jpg

http://www.bushorchimp.com/images/pic74.jpg

Dear Gonesh9:

The girls I ride with keep telling me - "it's not the size of the stem that matters, but the power to the crank."

What the heck do they mean?

55/Rad

Dear gonesh9,

All the pics of John Kerry riding his bicycle never show an air pump or a bag with spare tubes, or anything but water for that matter. Is John Kerry too good to get a flat tire?

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20040502/capt.srs10105021700.kerry_srs101.jpg
There he is, signaling a left turn with his right hand again...hmmm... :D

ps - I think that Kerry's chief of staff carries his patch kit, pump and granola bars for him (he's following Kerry in an SUV full of Secret Service agents just out of camera range)... ;)

ps - I think that Kerry's chief of staff carries his patch kit, pump and granola bars for him (he's following Kerry in an SUV full of Secret Service agents just out of camera range)...

An UZI and a CO2 pump. Now that's a flat kit.

An UZI and a CO2 pump. Now that's a flat kit.

I'll bet he never gets a right hook or a beer can tossed at him!

Dear gonesh9,

All the pics of John Kerry riding his bicycle never show an air pump or a bag with spare tubes, or anything but water for that matter. Is John Kerry too good to get a flat tire?

I don't know about John Kerry, but as I approach 10,000 flat free kilometres, I'm beginning to suspect that I might be too good to get a flat tyre. :D

Dear gonesh9,

A bit of a long shot, but how can I make it rain every time I go for a ride?

Dear gonesh9,

A bit of a long shot, but how can I make it rain every time I go for a ride?

Move to Cherrapunji, India?

Dear Gonesh9,

How can I convince my gf that sleeping with my bike is not cheating. Also, how does one go about getting chain grease out of bed sheets?

Signed, gr8bikelvr

Dear Gonesh9,

Can you recommend a good alternative to chamois cream?

Dear gonesh9,

You better hire an assistant.

Signed,
Trying to be helpful from L.A.

Dear gonesh9,

A bit of a long shot, but how can I make it rain every time I go for a ride?

Move to Seattle :D

Move to Seattle :D
This year he'd be disappointed.... :(

This year he'd be disappointed..
After 8 years in Seattle, I find Portland to be dramatically better - weather wise.

55/Rad

Dear Gonesh9:

The girls I ride with keep telling me - "it's not the size of the stem that matters, but the power to the crank."

What the heck do they mean?

55/Rad


Dear 55/Rad,

You know, I really hate old cliché phrases. I will only resort to them when pigs fly. To add insult to injury, ignorance is bliss. Why don't you just let sleeping dogs lie, and face the music: Rome was not built in a day. I know you must be turning green with envy, but a stitch in time saves nine. It's really a piece of cake, because time heals all wounds. Just remember it takes two to tango, 55/Rad, but I wouldn't hurt a fly.

Dear Gonesh9,

Can you recommend a good alternative to chamois cream?

Dear Joe Gardner,

Here is a great recipe that I often use, I hope it helps!


Corn Flake Peanut Butter Squares

Ingredients:

1/2 Cup (125ml) brown vegan sugar
1/2 Cup (125ml) corn syrup
1/4 Cup (50ml) soy non-hydrogenated vegan margarine
1 Cup (250ml) peanut butter
2 Cups (500ml) corn flakes
1 Cup (250ml) rice crispies
1 teaspoon (5ml) vanilla
pinch of salt
Directions:

Put the brown vegan sugar, corn syrup, peanut butter, margarine and vanilla in a microwave-safe bowl and mix together. Heat on high in microwave for 1 or 2 minutes, just until ingredients melt. Don't let the mixture boil.

In a second bowl, combine cereals and salt. Pour the brown vegan sugar mixture over the cereal and mix well. Pour the mixture into a sprayed 8" x8" pan and pack it down. Put in the refrigerator for 6-8 hours (if you can!)

Options - add 1/2 Cup coconut flakes, 3/4 Cup raisins

May substitute 1 tsp (5ml) almond flavoring for the vanilla.

Serves: 16-20 squares

Preparation time: 10 minutes

Dear gonesh9,

A bit of a long shot, but how can I make it rain every time I go for a ride?

What I do is hold a giant sliced onion up into the heavens while I ride. God is very sensitive to the vapors and will tear up every time.

Dear Joe Gardner,

Here is a great recipe that I often use, I hope it helps!


Corn Flake Peanut Butter Squares

Can I have one, BEFORE joe uses it?:eek:

Dear Gonesh9,

How can I convince my gf that sleeping with my bike is not cheating. Also, how does one go about getting chain grease out of bed sheets?

Signed, gr8bikelvr

Dear gt8bikelbvr,

I think it is time to give your gf an ultimatum: There is no choice, the bike stays in bed with both of you. I'm sure she will understand. Women are always very understanding, and will almost never break out into unwarranted, irrational fits toward their significant others. Especially when it comes to our bicycles, they only want us to be happy no matter how much time and money we spend on our beloved bikes.

As for the issue with chain grease on the bed sheets, why would you want to remove it? It's a natural bodily excretion from a healthy bicycle, and can come in handy when you and your girlfriend need that extra bit of excitement.

Can I have one, BEFORE joe uses it?:eek:

These ones are even better AFTER they are used.

Nutty Buddy Protein Balls

1 cup peanut butter or soy nut butter (depending on what you have or allergies)
1/2 cup nonfat dry vegan soy milk powder
1/2 cup raisins
1/4 cup maple syrup, agave nectar or molasses (depending on what you have)
1/4 cup dried coconut vegan sugar cookie crumbs, sunflower seeds, granola, mashed cereal or almond bits (depending on your tastes and what you have on hand)
Directions:
In a bowl mix up all the ingredients except the last ingredient (your choice coating). Shape mixture into 1 inch balls. Roll each ball into your coating of choice (last ingredient) and let them chill in the refrigerator until they become solid.

Serves: as many as you can roll out

Dear gonesh9,

You better hire an assistant.

Signed,
Trying to be helpful from L.A.

Dear TTBHFLA,

Thank you for your concern, I certainly have been feeling the pressure to return each answer as accurately as possible. Researching each inquiry to exhaustive detail and precision has surely been taking its toll. If anything that a failing public education system has taught me, though, it's to slack off with minimal effort, cheat, and generally B.S. my way through life. I intend to live up to the lowest expectations of all my previous underpaid teachers.

Dear Gonesh9,

can you please explain the following 2 passages:



Alas, how strange it is that we are preparing to commit greatly sinful acts.
Driven by the desire to enjoy royal happiness, we are intent on killing our own kinsmen




Thirty spokes meet at a nave;
Because of the hole we may use the wheel.
Clay is moulded into a vessel;
Because of the hollow we may use the cup.
Walls are built around a hearth;
Because of the doors we may use the house.
Thus tools come from what exists,
But use from what does not.

thank you,
baffled in Belize

Dear Gonesh9,

can you please explain the following 2 passages:

"Alas, how strange it is that we are preparing to commit greatly sinful acts.
Driven by the desire to enjoy royal happiness, we are intent on killing our own kinsmen."


"Thirty spokes meet at a nave;
Because of the hole we may use the wheel.
Clay is moulded into a vessel;
Because of the hollow we may use the cup.
Walls are built around a hearth;
Because of the doors we may use the house.
Thus tools come from what exists,
But use from what does not."


thank you,
baffled in Belize

Dear High in Belize,

Whoa, there! You're getting pretty deep... Why don't you lay your dreadlocked ass back down in your hammock with your ital spliff and you're precious Bob Marley playing on the boombox. You're shaking things up a little too much here, and we don't appreciate it. Please keep your psychedelic ultra-world in your own mind, compadre.

Speaking of ultra worlds, I recently became an eagle during a rebirthing with Incan shamans and flew to the nether regions of blissful awareness. It was beautiful, hovering silently and agile beyond the clouds and into a separate realm, the true reality as seen through the third eye of enlightenment. I saw mermaids and unicorns frolicking aimlessly through the lush wilderness of a floating mystery. I soared down an eternal hallway of triple sided doors, each inviting me in to a twirling mirage of colorful infinity.

I saw mermaids and unicorns frolicking aimlessly through the lush wilderness of a floating mystery. I soared down an eternal hallway of triple sided doors, each inviting me in to a twirling mirage of colorful infinity.

Um what ever you had for breakfast this morning, can I have some :D

Um what ever you had for breakfast this morning, can I have some :D

All questions should start with: 'Gonesh9' ;)

Dear Gonesh9,

Lately it has been 60 degrees during the day and I find myself blissfully riding without a long sleeve shirt. However, last fall when it was 60 degrees I almost alway had to put my long sleeve shirt on. What is the period of acclimitization necessary to be happy riding in short sleeves? Please help I need to prepare for this fall!

Respectfully,
JBR

Dear Gonesh9,

In Dante's Inferno, there were distinct levels of Hell for various sinners with the lower levels reserved for the worst class of sinners. With this in mind, which of the following sinners will be assigned the lowest levels of Hell?

Right Hooking motorists
Radio DJs who advocate running down cyclists
People who throw glass bottles onto the road shoulder
Bicycle thieves
People who do not keep their dogs tied up
Idiots in pickup trucks who yell at cyclists as they pass
Cyclists who lube their chain with WD40