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05-21-04, 01:45 PM
With the smashing success of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," Hollywood executives are falling over themselves to get Christian-themed movies and TV shows in the pipeline. Networks are crowding the sweeps periods with resurrected Jesus miniseries and other shows about biblical characters.
And religious humor is stronger than ever, with the re-release of Monty Python's "Life of Brian" and the coming "South Park" DVDs satirizing "The Passion."
But a horrifying thought occurs to us. What if the networks decide they should marry the "Passion" passion to the entertainment phenomenon they've become slavish to — reality TV? We can only imagine the heights of absurdity Hollywood might offer us — even if network execs had to move heaven and earth.
• "The Apostle": Jesus starts out with 50 would-be apostles, and by the end of the season narrows it down to his chosen 12. Each week he puts would-be disciples through a variety of tests — for instance, instructing them to go out to fish when the weather looks bad and no fish are biting. If the contestant balks, talks back or tries to second-guess the boss, he's fired! And probably going to suffer the fires of eternal damnation.
• "The Next to Last Temptation of Christ": A variety of professional actors playing prostitutes, apostles, disciples, lepers, Roman soldiers, high priests, money changers and archangels follow Jesus around trying to tempt him to do various things in his three years of preaching around Jerusalem. (Of course, he doesn't bite; he is Jesus, after all.) Everyone — even Mary and Mary Magdalene — is in on the joke.
• "Pilate Season": The Roman hand-washer stars in his own reality show in which every week a different infidel is brought in to pitch an idea for a reality series but instead is surprised by interrogation, scourging and impromptu manicure. Barrabas serves as co-host and chief heckler.
• "WWJD Smackdown": This series follows various religious leaders getting in the wrestling ring and employing their religious principles to see who emerges victorious. This season's contenders include Buddha (aka the Sumo Slaughterer), Muhammad ("You call that a mountain?"), Jesus (who quickly learns that "Turn the other cheek" doesn't necessarily work in all circumstances), Pat Robertson, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Aimee Semple McPherson and many others.
• "America's Next Top Martyr": Each week contestants are subjected to different challenging circumstances, taken straight from the pages of the Bible and other real texts, including boiling in oil, multiple arrow shots and the ever-popular lions in the arena. The contestants who survive each week, who also must share a big house together, go on to compete in the next week's even more x-treme ordeal.
• "No False Idols": Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha and founders of other major religions compete weekly in front of a panel of show-biz professionals, to see who can belt out the best rendition of a Celine Dion or Whitney Houston song. Rules must be bent for Moses and Joseph Smith, who refuse to sing without holding their respective tablets. But A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, founder of the Hare Krishnas, decides to do a whole impromptu Bollywood thing instead, and even Paula Abdul has no choice but to boot him off.
And religious humor is stronger than ever, with the re-release of Monty Python's "Life of Brian" and the coming "South Park" DVDs satirizing "The Passion."
But a horrifying thought occurs to us. What if the networks decide they should marry the "Passion" passion to the entertainment phenomenon they've become slavish to — reality TV? We can only imagine the heights of absurdity Hollywood might offer us — even if network execs had to move heaven and earth.
• "The Apostle": Jesus starts out with 50 would-be apostles, and by the end of the season narrows it down to his chosen 12. Each week he puts would-be disciples through a variety of tests — for instance, instructing them to go out to fish when the weather looks bad and no fish are biting. If the contestant balks, talks back or tries to second-guess the boss, he's fired! And probably going to suffer the fires of eternal damnation.
• "The Next to Last Temptation of Christ": A variety of professional actors playing prostitutes, apostles, disciples, lepers, Roman soldiers, high priests, money changers and archangels follow Jesus around trying to tempt him to do various things in his three years of preaching around Jerusalem. (Of course, he doesn't bite; he is Jesus, after all.) Everyone — even Mary and Mary Magdalene — is in on the joke.
• "Pilate Season": The Roman hand-washer stars in his own reality show in which every week a different infidel is brought in to pitch an idea for a reality series but instead is surprised by interrogation, scourging and impromptu manicure. Barrabas serves as co-host and chief heckler.
• "WWJD Smackdown": This series follows various religious leaders getting in the wrestling ring and employing their religious principles to see who emerges victorious. This season's contenders include Buddha (aka the Sumo Slaughterer), Muhammad ("You call that a mountain?"), Jesus (who quickly learns that "Turn the other cheek" doesn't necessarily work in all circumstances), Pat Robertson, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Aimee Semple McPherson and many others.
• "America's Next Top Martyr": Each week contestants are subjected to different challenging circumstances, taken straight from the pages of the Bible and other real texts, including boiling in oil, multiple arrow shots and the ever-popular lions in the arena. The contestants who survive each week, who also must share a big house together, go on to compete in the next week's even more x-treme ordeal.
• "No False Idols": Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha and founders of other major religions compete weekly in front of a panel of show-biz professionals, to see who can belt out the best rendition of a Celine Dion or Whitney Houston song. Rules must be bent for Moses and Joseph Smith, who refuse to sing without holding their respective tablets. But A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, founder of the Hare Krishnas, decides to do a whole impromptu Bollywood thing instead, and even Paula Abdul has no choice but to boot him off.