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06-02-04, 10:06 AM
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
> noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
>
> 2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St
> Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
>
>
> 3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
level
> on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
>
> 4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>
>
> 5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the
> control tower to talk you down.
>
>
> 6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
>
>
> 7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one
> will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other
> part of the building without difficulty.
>
>
> 8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be
> necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>
>
> 9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
>
>
> 10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will
> wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
>
> 11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note
> - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
> fare.
>
>
> 12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
15cm.
>
>
>
> 13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip
> club at least once.
>
>
> 14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
> morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat
them.
>
>
> 15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
>
>
> 16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
> football stadium.
>
>
> 17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
>
>
> 18. All single women have a cat.
>
>
> 19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>
>
> 20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than
> 20 men firing at one.
>
>
> 21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
> investigated.
>
>
> 22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if
any
> of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
>
>
> 23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving
> martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by
> dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
> predecessor.
>
>
> 24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
you
> are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
> back.
>
>
> 25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will
> still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>
>
> 26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
>
>
> 27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
> other.
>
>
> 28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
> arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
> deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives
at
> least 20 minutes to escape.
>
>
> 29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
eighth
> birthday
>
>
> 30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions -
> can be played without moving the fingers.
>
>
> 31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
> readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
>
> 32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
> visiting.
>
>
> 33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
>
>
> 34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
>
>
> 35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
> will know all the steps.
>
> noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
>
> 2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St
> Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
>
>
> 3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
level
> on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
>
> 4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>
>
> 5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the
> control tower to talk you down.
>
>
> 6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
>
>
> 7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one
> will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other
> part of the building without difficulty.
>
>
> 8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be
> necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>
>
> 9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
>
>
> 10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will
> wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
>
> 11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note
> - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
> fare.
>
>
> 12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
15cm.
>
>
>
> 13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip
> club at least once.
>
>
> 14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
> morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat
them.
>
>
> 15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
>
>
> 16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
> football stadium.
>
>
> 17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
>
>
> 18. All single women have a cat.
>
>
> 19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>
>
> 20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than
> 20 men firing at one.
>
>
> 21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
> investigated.
>
>
> 22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if
any
> of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
>
>
> 23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving
> martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by
> dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
> predecessor.
>
>
> 24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
you
> are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
> back.
>
>
> 25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will
> still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>
>
> 26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
>
>
> 27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
> other.
>
>
> 28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
> arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
> deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives
at
> least 20 minutes to escape.
>
>
> 29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
eighth
> birthday
>
>
> 30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions -
> can be played without moving the fingers.
>
>
> 31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
> readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
>
> 32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
> visiting.
>
>
> 33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
>
>
> 34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
>
>
> 35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
> will know all the steps.
>