Foo - You're a biker but your spouse isn't

You like to stay in good shape, eat right, maybe go to the gym but your spouse doesn't. This was a huge factor in my divorce. The ex started to despise me for being healthy.

Anybody else have this problem?

Biker...me
Non biker...wife.

No biggy, the bike is my personal time, the rest is hers. And she stays in excellent shape so I don't have to worry about that aspect.

You like to stay in good shape, eat right, maybe go to the gym but your spouse doesn't. This was a huge factor in my divorce. The ex started to despise me for being healthy.

Anybody else have this problem?

one of the biggest factors in my split this past year. that, plus just the fact that we grew in different directions or maybe i grew and he stayed the same....

one of the biggest factors in my split this past year. that, plus just the fact that we grew in different directions or maybe i grew and he stayed the same....

Was there resentment from your ex?

yes. the fact that i rode too much, was gone pretty much all of saturday mornings, time away on sundays...it wasn't always like that, but he had no interest in riding at all and then didn't want to do anything else iwth me - no hiking/camping/walking - nothing. so - i said to myself - you don't want to spend time with me, you won't go to counseling, i'll just ride more.

it became a no-win situation....but, i'm Really, Really, Really glad things turned out the way they have now. i'm 1000x more happier now.

oh yea...the divorce will be final next friday...5/29.

You like to stay in good shape, eat right, maybe go to the gym but your spouse doesn't. This was a huge factor in my divorce. The ex started to despise me for being healthy.

Anybody else have this problem?


My girlfriend and I are polar opposites when it comes to food, but she makes really good food and baked goods, so I live with it rather happily. She also doesn't bike, but that's okay too, since she understands how much cycling means to me and lets me have my time.

...and then didn't want to do anything else iwth me - no hiking/camping/walking - nothing.

This is the same reaction I would get. Everything that I suggested we do, she would shoot down. Even non-athletic stuff like walking the dog, going to a movie or having a drink with me. She said she felt inadequate around me. It was very frustrating.

I have the bike, the wife thinks any non motorized transport is stupid, save for horseback riding.

She hates all forms of physical exertion. OTOH, there is one form of physical activity that she has shown great passion for. And now she's telling me that she will 'allow' me to get her a tricycle

This is the same reaction I would get. Everything that I suggested we do, she would shoot down. Even non-athletic stuff like walking the dog, going to a movie or having a drink with me. She said she felt inadequate around me. It was very frustrating.

all mine wanted to do was sit in the house and watch damn dvd's of sci-fi stuff...even on a beautiful saturday morning - i'd come home from riding and be ready to go do whatever he wanted to do - except sit in the house all day and watch tv. i told him too many times that after i came home from riding we could do anything he wanted to do (including sex) but we did nothing. eventually, i just started doing my own things or riding longer or started going to WNC more for the weekends (after making sure my son was going to be ok for the weekend).

hell, he didn't want to go to the mtns - let me go ride for 3-4hrs and then us go hiking or anything fun up there. F that.

life is too damn short to be in a marriage/relationship and being unhappy/miserable. i'm no longer unhappy nor am i miserable. quite the opposite. :)

My fiancee has a tough enough time just walking, much less trying to hike/bike/etc. It hasn't been an issue. I get in my weekday riding on my commute to/from work. I set my weekend long distance ride calendar in the first couple weeks of the year, so she knows what weekends I'll be gone for brevets and all-day centuries. I go ride my bike for 15 hours, she hangs out with her friends for a day of shopping finished up with a few hours at the spa.

My wife is seriously beginning to hate me. She resents that I have this hobby and I'm gone sometimes racing. Even if she's busy doing her thing, she will tell me that my activity is damaging our relationship. It has been and always will be my fault no matter what I do. And she lets me know any chance she can - especially when she's upset at something (not necessarily me).

life is too damn short to be in a marriage/relationship and being unhappy/miserable. i'm no longer unhappy nor am i miserable. quite the opposite. :)

Thanks for reminding me of that. I often feel guilty about the divorce and need to hear stuff like this to clear my conscience. :beer:

My wife supports me 100%, even though she doesn't ride and has absolutely no interest in riding. In fact, if it's nice out (or even when it's not), and I haven't gotten in a ride in the past day or two, she asks me about it. Downright encouraging. Fortunately, we share other interests (hiking, etc.) so this is a very workable arrangement.

all mine wanted to do was sit in the house and watch damn dvd's of sci-fi stuff...even on a beautiful saturday morning - i'd come home from riding and be ready to go do whatever he wanted to do - except sit in the house all day and watch tv. i told him too many times that after i came home from riding we could do anything he wanted to do (including sex) but we did nothing. eventually, i just started doing my own things or riding longer or started going to WNC more for the weekends (after making sure my son was going to be ok for the weekend).

hell, he didn't want to go to the mtns - let me go ride for 3-4hrs and then us go hiking or anything fun up there. F that.

life is too damn short to be in a marriage/relationship and being unhappy/miserable. i'm no longer unhappy nor am i miserable. quite the opposite. :)

This is interesting. Was he like that when you met him? If not, what do you think made him become that way?

no, he was not like this when we met. we used to go for day hikes and weekend camping in the Uwharries. we spent vacations in the mtns or at the beach.

maybe because i exercised, became more healthy, lost a ton of weight, it made him feel like he couldn't be active and do things with me...he gained weight, i lost. and you know what else really in truely pissed me off??? i lost 50+ pounds. do you think that i heard "you look great", "you've done an awesome job" or ever hear anything complimentory about my cycling??? no. all i got was a nod or maybe not when i told him about what i did cycling....

my first century last year? hell, i didn't bother calling him when i was through. why should i? he didn't give a flyin rat's ass how i did. i called my best guy friend and told him how i did...anyways...

My fiancee is more physically fit, and at least as physically active. While she doesn't ride with any regularity, she does ride with me for fun on occasion.

And now that we swim together, she's considering doing a triathlon. Not a sprint, she is the type to try to fly before even crawling. So she's looking at a half Ironman. I of 2 sprint tri's worth of experience just laughed at her typical attitude. She has the stamina for a marathon, but she has never ridden more than 13 miles in a single day, and only done that once.

In short, im lucky. Aside from working out we have a ton of other interests in common. My exwife, and previous long term girlfriend... not so much.

Those crazy bikers! It's nothing but leather and booze! :D

my first century last year? hell, i didn't bother calling him when i was through. why should i? he didn't give a flyin rat's ass how i did. i called my best guy friend and told him how i did...anyways...

I called my ex (wife at the time) after my first century and she was out drinking with her co-workers. :(

yea, i just quit telling him anything about cycling...he didn't care how well or bad i did.

My ex-fiancee and I both rode, but I rode a whole lot more. She resented that I spent so much time riding instead of working more so she could buy more Ugg boots and Coach bags.

My ex is a very sedentary person who will drive 3 blocks to the store rather than walk, hates cycling, loves tv (I don't have one), and that's just her thing.

I was always a very active person... I like sports, love being outside, love; hiking, camping, fishing, long walks on the beach, and just strolling for no good reason at all.

One gets tired of doing these things alone and not being able to share the important things in your life with the person you had planned to spend your life with can cause a lot of stress in a relationship.

My girlfriend of nearly two years is a very active person and despite having some serious health issues this does not stop her from riding every day, being active, does not drive, and hates tv more than I do. :)

She inspires me every day.

My back is pretty fragged and I find walking and standing to be very difficult, can't lift much, and am chronically tired but I walk every day and try to pout 20 km on the bike as this relieves a lot of pain and keeps the parts working.

My daughter said that for a guy who is so messed up, I still do a lot more (walking) than a bunch of other grown ups she knows.

I just play through the pain... rest when needed, (which is often)... and then get back at it.

it's very nice, isn't it 65'r, to find that person who shares some/a lot of your interests. :)

My wife is seriously beginning to hate me. She resents that I have this hobby and I'm gone sometimes racing. Even if she's busy doing her thing, she will tell me that my activity is damaging our relationship. It has been and always will be my fault no matter what I do. And she lets me know any chance she can - especially when she's upset at something (not necessarily me).

Do you ride to deal with the stress you are having in in your relationship ?

It really can be better than sex and in that, it is like having a mistress.

I can see why many spouses resent an activity that is so overwhelmingly pleasurable but why they don't participate is a bit of a mystery.

I am so happy I found a girl who enjoys so many of the things I do and understands why I ride and I enjoy the quiet rides with her her more than I do the hammer fests and trail shredding I used to do.

She is also no slouch on a bike and has some serious legs.

:)

My wife goes to the gym with friends and encourages me to ride. I like to take the boys/dog/all of the above for walks, etc.

all mine wanted to do was sit in the house and watch damn dvd's of sci-fi stuff...even on a beautiful saturday morning - i'd come home from riding and be ready to go do whatever he wanted to do - except sit in the house all day and watch tv.
(snip)

life is too damn short to be in a marriage/relationship and being unhappy/miserable. i'm no longer unhappy nor am i miserable. quite the opposite. :)

Yup, that's what's happening here. And I'm really, really tired of being the only one who is interested in DOING things, rather than HAVING things. I wanted to go skiing this past winter - just for a day, with rented equipment. Would have cost $100 for both of us, max. Nope, that was too expensive. Can't do it. There's no point renting equipment, it's a waste of money, and he used to have way better boots than the rental ones, whine whine moan. Then he went out and spent $150 on a GAME.

:mad:

The other thing is that he's just so completely mired in the way he's always done things; NO interest in trying anything new. He just wants to complain and get sympathy - like today, when he has a cold. I offered to get him some Nyquil, or whatever, for the cough, and he said all pathetically that no, it wouldn't work, he'd just suffer. So I'm letting him. Because he's 38 goddamn years old and I'm not his mother.

I'm out of here at the end of the month. Can't do it. Life's too short. I'm 35 years old and I'm babysitting a boy; I'd like a man, please, and failing that I'll stick with my cats and my bikes and go my own way.

OK, I need to go to the bike co-op and work on stuff before I get myself even more annoyed here!

damn Buglady! did we end up the SAME guy????

skiing? nope. too expensive. he=scared to try for fear of getting hurt. me=bring it on!! that's what doctor's are for!!

water activities? skiing, fishing, boating, anything - swimming, etc...nope. he didn't swim and didn't want to learn.

complained about my cycling purchases, yet it was fine to go buy a wii and tons of dvd's. perfectly fine. or what about the over 900 books he had that he was keeping after reading "cause i like the cover art?" :wtf:

too many things to list....gawd, i'm glad i'm done with that.

It really can be better than sex and in that, it is like having a mistress.

I can see why many spouses resent an activity that is so overwhelmingly pleasurable but why they don't participate is a bit of a mystery.

Like a threesome? ;) Maybe the wives feel they're "intruding"... or they have tried riding with the hubby/SO, and it was never fun because said SO wanted only to go fast.

It really can be better than sex and in that, it is like having a mistress.


Where is that link to the story of the man caught having sex with the bike?



She is also no slouch on a bike and has some serious legs.

:)

Right on! I kept telling my ex that her health and beauty would be sustained/improved but she didn't want to hear it. She complained of a bad back and I kept inviting her to yoga class, but no.

My wife goes to the gym with friends and encourages me to ride. I like to take the boys/dog/all of the above for walks, etc.

You seem to have a great wife and great kids and a pretty happy family. :thumb:

I don't think one's spouse has to be a cyclist and if they are, they don't have to share the same level of enthusiasm... but it does speak to other issues when there is a huge disparity between individuals in interests and tastes and when you do not support your better half in the things that make them happy it is not going to be good.

Any activity that takes control of one's life can be a bad thing as every life needs balance. When I was riding 80-100 km a day (every day) I think that was not a good thing.

There is always the chance I may lose the ability to ride a bike... but I don't worry that the girl will trade me in because of that.

the bf is actively involved in health and fitness, too- more of a lifting/mtb-riding kind of guy (occasionally running). He's interested in road, but not the "lycra" that comes with it. (He's got the legs for it though, so I'm going to work on it). He boards, I ski- its all the same mountain, anyway.

He eats pretty healthy, too.

I'm interested in getting a MTB. I'd like him to try road (he does too). I also want to try boarding if/when I get bored of skiing. It would be nice if we could enjoy each other's hobbies together some of the time, but I need "my" time, too.

Like a threesome? ;) Maybe the wives feel they're "intruding"... or they have tried riding with the hubby/SO, and it was never fun because said SO wanted only to go fast.

not here...i would ride at his pace, but he was afraid of riding on the road. "the traffic"

mtb? nope. afraid of getting hurt. i mean, really, :wtf: oh well, don't let me get on my soapbox...i'm done with him and moved on to a much better things, including guys. :)

Like a threesome? ;) Maybe the wives feel they're "intruding"... or they have tried riding with the hubby/SO, and it was never fun because said SO wanted only to go fast.

The Girl once said she did not think I would have any fun riding with her because I was too fast and I told her I only rode fast because I had not met a girl who would make me want to slow down a little.

If cycling can be as good as sex, then cycling with the one you love is well... even better.

There was a study done just recently that showed that cycling triggered the same pleasure receptors in the brain one uses when they were with or just looking at their significant other which is unlike other activities... it really explains the addictive nature.

So riding with the girl = best thing ever.

The Girl once said she did not think I would have any fun riding with her because I was too fast and I told her I only rode fast because I had not met a girl who would make me want to slow down a little.

If cycling can be as good as sex, then cycling with the one you love is well... even better.

There was a study done just recently that showed that cycling triggered the same pleasure receptors in the brain one uses when they were with or just looking at their significant other which is unlike other activities... it really explains the addictive nature.

So riding with the girl = best thing ever.

that's it right there for me too....well, except meeting a girl. ;)

My wife is supportive of my cycling and related trips, but doesn't get out and ride of her own volition.

I make sure to do a few cruiser rides each year with her and she always has a good time...just hasn't caught the bug. As long as she's a good sport about it...I'm fine with the arrangement.

Actually, I'm kind of afraid of being with someone that bikes as much as I do. I'd much rather be with someone that's supportive of what I do, which my girlfriend is. I feel that if I were with someone that rode like I do, then I would just stop riding.

I don't ride as much as I used to due schedule constraints, but she indulges me in my cycling.

I don't care about going fast anymore, just to be out there.

Same with motorycling; she likes to ride with me if it is nice outside.

Lots of interesting things here.

I ride, my wife doesn't, even though my wife's bike is far superior to mine.

She encourages me to ride and it never got in the way, but with new-ish baby around, I can't believe I have had time to ride the 20 miles (total) that I have ridden since February. [I used to ride 20-30 miles each time, 5 rides a week.]

We don't ride as well together as I would like since she gets so competitive and upset that I can outride her although I would never, ever try to do such a thing.

So, we have other activities that we enjoy together.

Actually, I'm kind of afraid of being with someone that bikes as much as I do. I'd much rather be with someone that's supportive of what I do, which my girlfriend is. I feel that if I were with someone that rode like I do, then I would just stop riding.Huh? Why?

Huh? Why?

I understand what he is saying.

I wish my wife rode a bit with me, but not like I normally would do. It's my thing, and like I mentioned in the other reply, my wife gets way too competitive and it just wouldn't be fun anymore.

She has tried to encourage me to switch careers into her field, but I know that wouldn't work because that is her thing and she would be competitive about that, too.

So we have our own things, and then the things we enjoy together, which is how we spend most of our time.

similar situation but with a twist.

my other Half had double Knee replcement surgery at a failry young age .

her knees were shot bad joints run in her family both her siblings and her mom have had or is in need of hip and or Knee replacement.

also when her knees went she put on a ton of weight YEP double whammy!!

she was an active scuba diver, hiked, casual biking, serious racketball player (competitive), xc skier and ran

for a time before her two knee operations she could hardly walk. after the operations the rehab took a long time and the weight stayed.

the problem is she just cant do most of the activities she used to do and she gets upset with me if I do them or anything cause she'd like to again but just cant.

for years there was much tension if I went diving or hiked into a trout stream while she stayed home

vacations were totaly boring as all we could do is drive around shop eat,no diving ,biking, hiking ...

and the comprimise of "Ill dive in the morning and well do somthing in the afternoon " didnt go over too good wed be gone 10 days and I dove only one morning my last trip

I started bike commuting just to get some active time that didnt conflict with (what about me syndome) .

I try to do some event rides but besides tour de cure she gets real crabby if I tell her Im doing a ride saturday /sunday ...and ill be gone all day.

thats why im not diving anymore same senario I was in the water 3+ days a week (instructor)

Id love to do some brevets or start wreck diving again But I know that wont go over good and the grief/guilt isnt worth it as I wont enjoy the activity.


I often hear "Our friends do things all the time, we dont do anything" even though were always on the go our friends are still diving, kayaking , biking , ice skating ... we dont do those things any more due to her Knees/weight.

summers up untill this year (boats' not going into water, too $$ and were getting new kitchen) all we did was shop, drive/sit on the boat for hours and go out to eat. as mentioned thats how vacation trips went sit in car shop eat sleep BLAH!

shes finally working on the weight and shes doing good, the knees , well , her left just wont bend enough to Bike or properly swim with dive gear But other things could work in time

but Tough situation even now , hopefully a light in the tunnel at some point.


'John"

My husband would rather play golf than ride a bike, but he's not totally against cycling. He'll ride with me, though at a relaxed pace, for 10-15 miles. A 25 miler is a huge ride for him. But it's not about the distance or the speed, it's the time together. He'll do 25 miles if we stop 2 or 3 times along the way to admire the scenery, or stop halfway along the route for ice cream. How much better can it get than that? I'd rather ride 20 miles with him at his pace than 50 by myself!!

The Girl once said she did not think I would have any fun riding with her because I was too fast and I told her I only rode fast because I had not met a girl who would make me want to slow down a little.

If cycling can be as good as sex, then cycling with the one you love is well... even better.

There was a study done just recently that showed that cycling triggered the same pleasure receptors in the brain one uses when they were with or just looking at their significant other which is unlike other activities... it really explains the addictive nature.

So riding with the girl = best thing ever.

Truer words have never been spoken. I just found the one I can ride slow with. It is wonderful...and I'll ride any speed just to be riding with him. :)

Truer words have never been spoken. I just found the one I can ride slow with. It is wonderful...and I'll ride any speed just to be riding with him. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIjZE4kcg_Q

JOHN - If my SO was prevented from riding I am sure she would support me as it does a great deal to help with my chronic pain issues but if that activity caused her a lot of pain because she missed it and wanted to be with me, I'd quit.

We are the keepers of each other's hearts.

It is not so much that we love cycling or love cycling together but that we love being together and whatever we do is always enjoyable... I never thought I would enjoy doing the dishes or just tidying the house as much as do when we do it together.

I think that it really it... in this modern day most of us are pulled in twenty seven directions all the time and our quality time is really at a premium.

If that quality time goes down then anything that takes away from that could be looked upon as being a problem.

My ex seemed to hate any extra curricular activity I did and made it really hard for me to enjoy anything... even when those activities involved my children.

They love cycling... my 9 year old often gets up on the weekend and puts on her helmet and then looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes and says, "dad... can we go for a ride?".

:)

The time spent riding with them is special on an entirely new level and if you want to see me at my happiest it's when I can be out with all my girls at the same time.

I also discovered that when you are riding a bike with your SO that doesn't have to stop you from holding hands (we have some skills) or stealing a kiss at nearly every stop.

I have never known this in my life...it is pretty damn amazing.

My husband would rather play golf than ride a bike, but he's not totally against cycling. He'll ride with me, though at a relaxed pace, for 10-15 miles. A 25 miler is a huge ride for him. But it's not about the distance or the speed, it's the time together. He'll do 25 miles if we stop 2 or 3 times along the way to admire the scenery, or stop halfway along the route for ice cream. How much better can it get than that? I'd rather ride 20 miles with him at his pace than 50 by myself!!I completely agree. I never want to get too competitive and lose the social aspect of cycling. I have many friends with all kinds of bikes, and enjoy going out for rides that last an hour or two, but only averaging 13 mph, because we're chatting the entire time. Its a recovery ride for me :)

And hey, if I'm outside, sun shining- with people I enjoy, it doesn't get any better!

How'd this thread get so far off topic? Everyone seems to be a cyclist - not a biker. :p :innocent:

I have repeatedly tried to get my wife to learn how to ride a bicycle. I have no doubt she would catch on quickly if she would only try - but her childhood memory of her brothers putting her on a too-large bicycle, and pushing her down the hill, and crashing into the pricker bush just prevents her. :(

Even though she doesn't ride, she's pretty good about letting me go without complaining. There do seem to be limits though, and if I ride more than one or two century rides a year, there has been some grumbling. I guess if I could afford to hire someone to maintain the yard, there's be less of that. :o

This thread makes no sense to me. Why would I want an SO that doesn't ride?

+1

I just came across this thread and find it a little sad for those of you that want your spouses to support and join you in your cycling activities.

I for one agree that I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't (sorry everyone) inline skate and cycle for crosstraining.

I completely agree. I never want to get too competitive and lose the social aspect of cycling. I have many friends with all kinds of bikes, and enjoy going out for rides that last an hour or two, but only averaging 13 mph, because we're chatting the entire time. Its a recovery ride for me :)

And hey, if I'm outside, sun shining- with people I enjoy, it doesn't get any better!

Times when I agree with this, and times when I only want to melt someones ass into the pavement.
When I'm in that second mood, I don't ride with family.