Foo - Dealing with Being Resented

How do the peoples of FOO deal with resentment if they are the ones being resented (not doing the resenting)?

Google is certainly no help--all I find are tips from couch-psychologists regarding dealing with resentment if you are the resentor; not if you are on the receiving end of being resented.

And, yes, there is certainly a much, much longer version I could post, but I don't need to at the moment.

Open up a discourse with the resenter if possible. Try to find out why the resentment exists. If possible make amends, ask for forgiveness and attempt to correct the root cause of the problem.

If the resentment is not reasonable, and your actions are not incorrect, ( such as a fellow employee resenting the fact that you got a promotion, etc. or not liking the way you enforce company policy), explain your actions and let them know that no offense was intended, but that you are doing your job to the best of your ability.

Do not let the resentment bring you down, cause you to respond incorrectly, etc.

How do the peoples of FOO deal with resentment if they are the ones being resented (not doing the resenting)?

Who resents you?

I can't remember being resented. One benefit of being a dateless loser.

16 ga Browning semi auto w/ Steel BB shot works well for me.

Resentment lies with the resenter, not the resentee.... There is nothing you can do about it. Their problem, not yours.

Resentment lies with the resenter, not the resentee....

I resemble that remark

Resentment lies with the resenter, not the resentee.... There is nothing you can do about it. Their problem, not yours.

Untrue. Although the resent does indeed lie with the resenter, there is much one can do about it, positively or negatively.

Eihter intentionally or unintentionally, our actions impact others. Something must have been done to create the resentment. It did not just appear. The only way to find out why is to ask. Only when one knows that cause of the resent can a course of action be planned.

Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.

You can only control how you feel. You can't control how others feel about you. If they want to resent you, let them. It's their problem, not yours.

If you let them drag you into the whole resentment world, you lose. Treat them as well as you can in the circumstance you're in. If they aren't happy with that, it's not your issue. Let it go.

How do the peoples of FOO deal with resentment if they are the ones being resented (not doing the resenting)?

Google is certainly no help--all I find are tips from couch. He keeps telling me to burn a couch!
Furnitured for you.

You can call yourself the problem or you can call the other person the problem, when it comes to resentment the person doing the resenting is usually the proiblem, in that case all you have to do is get rid of the problem, Im not telling you to kill anyone! :eek: just drop the person like a hot potato, then the problem is over.

Furnitured for you.

Hey! Your stealing my thoughts! Tin Foil hat time folks!

Couch

Resentment lies with the resenter, not the resentee.... There is nothing you can do about it. Their problem, not yours.

Yeah! What he said!

Resentment usually results from an imbalance of power, the one holding resentment usually being the weaker party. My advice is to sit back, enjoy your superiority, and think of ways to use it to your advantage.

you are winning. now go in for the kill.

Untrue. Although the resent does indeed lie with the resenter, there is much one can do about it, positively or negatively.

Eihter intentionally or unintentionally, our actions impact others. Something must have been done to create the resentment. It did not just appear. The only way to find out why is to ask. Only when one knows that cause of the resent can a course of action be planned.

Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.

Ive been resented one time in my life, was a girl I dated, it was after about a year when it all started, I asked what I did and she would reply,"If you don't know why should I tell you?" after about 2 rounds of the same BS I dropped her like a bad habit, I truly loved her, but I wasn't going to be around that type of BS, life is to short, afterward she would come around, and call to tell me that she was wrong, but the damage was done, her negative involvment in my life was over and that part of my life was closed, and I never regreted my decision.

Ive been resented one time in my life, was a girl I dated, it was after about a year when it all started, I asked what I did and she would reply,"If you don't know why should I tell you?" after about 2 rounds of the same BS I dropped her like a bad habit, I truly loved her, but I wasn't going to be around that type of BS, life is to short, afterward she would come around, and call to tell me that she was wrong, but the damage was done, her negative involvment in my life was over and that part of my life was closed, and I never regreted my decision.

Yes, but you did not ignore the problem here. You opened a discourse and attempted to find out why the resentment existed. Given the information you were given, you came up with a course of action that worked for you.

Had she been open and honest and presented you with a sound reason for the resentment, your course of action may have been different.

Hey! Your stealing my thoughts! Tin Foil hat time folks!

Couch

Wonder Twin powers - ACTIVATE!

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/images/captions/Tinfoil_Hat_Cat.jpg

My wife often resents me. I know this sounds arrogant, but my wife and I generally have an amazing relationship, and our worst times are still better than the best times of most of the couples we know fairly well, but the resentment thing is a serious issue, and get a pit in my stomach to the point where I can't eat for days when I know she is resenting me for whatever reason (I am an ultra-hyper-sensitive male and I admit it, so move along and don't get caught up on that part).

After talking with her about things today (since my first post, to boot) I have figured out a lot, but since I alread started this topic I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it while things get resolved (issues that will take months, not minutes).

Here is a really stupid, but real life example: I am not a stereo-typical guy. I work all day, then I come home and watch the baby, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn, put the baby to bed, dine with my wife, and hang out with her the rest of the night, and still have time to do hobbies sometimes if she has something she needs to do. My wife watches the baby during the day, works at home a few nights a week, and I encourage her to decompress by doing her hobbies while I take care of everything else to give her a break. But, I think of housework as a hobby, and I really enjoy doing all those things (not in a control freak way--I genuinely enjoy doing all those things).

But she resents me for it. Why? Because she watches daytime TV shows about all these men who do nothing while the wife works full time and does housework full time. She gets fired up at the TV and wants to complain to me about how I do nothing like the guys on TV, but she doesn't have anything to complain about (okay, I spoil her and it's biting me in the ass), so she resents me for not being a "typical guy." So, instead, she will hunt and find one tiny thing that I didn't get around to doing, and she will pick on that for an entire evening.

Or, the other day I read an article about how modern men do 50% of the housework but their wives think the men do 0% of the housework because they use their dads as a baseline, from which that generation typically didn't do any housework, so the wives see their husbands as doing 0% like their dads even though the husbands are doing 50%. I told this to my wife and she got super defensive about the women's perspective!


Here is a better example: She was working on her PhD at a school that was not good for her. Long story short, I encouraged her to drop out temporarily so she could figure stuff out. Fast foward 3 years later and she thanks me for it as it was the best decision possible and she sees it now, but she still resents me for it being my idea and not hers, even though she agrees it was the best thing to happen to her in recent years.

Okay, so the true issues aren't resentment but co-dependency, which has been a serious issue with her in the past prior to meeting me, but they are returning and we want to nip it in the bud, but the resentment is still there as part of it.

Thanks for listening, FOO!

ETA: and the make-up sex is great! (19 posts and no mention of sex? C'mon, FOO, don't disappoint.)

P.S. I used "couch-psychologist" specifically to see how long it would take for a Couch reference. :)

Yes, but you did not ignore the problem here. You opened a discourse and attempted to find out why the resentment existed. Given the information you were given, you came up with a course of action that worked for you.

Had she been open and honest and presented you with a sound reason for the resentment, your course of action may have been different.

Sorry dude, wasn't disagreeing with you, but so you know, your implications are making me resent you! ;)

(19 posts and no mention of sex? C'mon, FOO, don't disappoint.)We had burning couches at 10 and you can "think" of a burning couch as a metaphor for sex! :thumb:

At least if MV is the one on said couch.

P.S. I used "couch-psychologist" specifically to see how long it would take for a Couch reference. :)
You mean burn it down?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6CWTsVIyk4

P.S. I used "couch-psychologist" specifically to see how long it would take for a Couch reference. :)

Glad I didn't disappoint you! :thumb::D

You may have resented me otherwise. :innocent:

Thanks for listening, FOO!

Marriage counseling is a good thing. It should be part of your relationship maintenance, every year or 3000 miles, whichever comes first. My ex and I did not do this sort of maintenance and hence the term, "ex". :-(

Okay, so the true issues aren't resentment but co-dependency, which has been a serious issue with her in the past prior to meeting me, but they are returning and we want to nip it in the bud, but the resentment is still there as part of it.

I wonder if the two of you work through the co-dependency issue, then the anger/resentment will melt away. Perhaps when she is whole and shares a healthy interdependent relationship with you, there won't be any reason to go looking for the fight.

Sometimes when people are feeling lost and not very strong, they look for ways to manipulate a situation in order to accomplish their goal. I don't know your situation but maybe your wife is feeling sad, worthless, angry, tired, insecure, etc etc.. By picking at you, it diverts the energy away from the immediate issue she feels inside. Or perhaps by picking at you, it only confirms those feelings she might already be struggling with. (She feels badly, picks fight, then she can feel even worse about herself than before.)

I dunno. I'm not sure if I was helpful or not here.

Thanks for listening, FOO!

My ex used to complain about feeling inadequate around me. She didn't like the gym, riding bikes, intellectual pursuits. She resented me for wanting to improve myself. It was like a no-win situation unless I was willing to accept my place on the couch in front of the TeeVee with her. Sigh...

http://pro.corbis.com/images/CBR003301.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B2CD52CF5-B029-4146-B012-8AACF069C959%7D

As a male...get used to it.

You'll be blamed for everything you've done, you haven't done, and for stuff that doesn't even exist.

I wonder if the two of you work through the co-dependency issue, then the anger/resentment will melt away. Perhaps when she is whole and shares a healthy interdependent relationship with you, there won't be any reason to go looking for the fight.
You are exactly correct. When we met, she was in a very stable, healthy state of mind, and I am sure it will return. The hardest part is getting her to work on it as a team, instead of against each other.


Sometimes when people are feeling lost and not very strong, they look for ways to manipulate a situation in order to accomplish their goal. I don't know your situation but maybe your wife is feeling sad, worthless, angry, tired, insecure, etc etc..
Again, you are exactly correct and thank you for your words.

Well I'm not pleased that I was correct because the situation seems quite sad. Sonata, I'm sorry that your wife is having some struggles right now. But having re-read your earlier post, it is quite evident that you are a thoughtful, supportive husband who is thoroughly invested in your marriage and relationship. She is fortunate to have someone like you on her side as she battles these demons in herself.

You have a young child, yes? I'm wondering if she is dealing with some PPD on top of the longer-standing issues? I dunno.... motherhood can suck the life out of even the strongest of women. Having BTDT, feel free to PM me. I can at least offer a woman's (and mother's) view for your consideration. I do hope that things turn around soon for both of you.

I deal with resentment all the time. Their resentment is their problem, and if they choose to waste their time and energy on nursing resentment, so be it. Just relegate them to the "Oh well" corner of your life.

You can't please everyone.

Now, since it's your SO, do what you can to make peace, but accept that on this issue, you may not. The choice is hers to make as to whether she'll choose to resent you.

I became a pistol marksman for focusing my resentment.

Sorry, I can't seem to get past this statement of yours "I think of housework as a hobby, and I really enjoy doing all those things". I'm afraid I'm out of my league here. Good luck!

I used to resent being resented; I also felt a little guilt, thanks to the way I was raised (having to appease to get approval from the maternal parental unit, the only one there, she made SURE of that). No longer.

It's simple -- if you don't like what you see, there's three other directions you can look. I like me!