Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? (good point)

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Dude, viagra doesn't count as food :p

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

If you're from Queensland, marriage changes nothing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

So you guessed incorrectly, try again.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I thought you were getting off the crack when that happened.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

Ahhh!!!!!! It's the voices!!!!!!!!!

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Listen, dude, you can't even fit into your own pants, nevermind anyone else's.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

So who voted for them?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Remember, that's where they all started... :eek:

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!"

A useful friend will come along with a shovel or rope, an assumed name, and two plane tickets to a remote island.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

I thought you wanted to get into your own pants, perhaps you should get some loose-fitting ones.

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

If you're like me and you never learned to swim, you just sink. :eek:

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Assuming they too, are an idiot, in which case they'll join in. Well, hey, in the movies, anyone you bump into while dancing immediately knows all the steps, why can't it work with idiots and arguments?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Personally, I'd prefer a world that blows.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? (good point)

A better question would be why are our children in prison and not at school? :mad:

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

I thought it started with something called a stork.

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

That's because people never think to ask brain cells "will you respect me in the morning?"

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

BLASPHEMER!

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Actually, I'd be thanking the guy who printed it.


God, there goes another 20 minutes down the tube!