Clydesdales/Athenas (200+ lb / 91+ kg) - It's over!

Anyone have a friendship, relationship, or marriage end because of your weight loss?

I have. I lost a friend a few years ago as I began to drop from 400 pounds. All of a sudden we had less in common since I was no longer sedentary. Chuck couldn't adjust to the fact I suddenly had mobility and stamina; he was used to seeing me as 400 pounds and unable to walk a city block. Now I was 300 pounds and able to hike for miles. (This took place before I learned to ride.)

Other relationships changed. I share a house with two friends of mine, and they've adopted well to my change from sedentary to cyclist. Aside from the occasional complaints about my leaving water bottles in the sink and bike shoes on the porch, they both think it's great I'm here instead of what we refer to as "the fat guy."

Anyone else have some stories to share?

Yes, major life changes can make old friends distant. Friendship sometimes requires sharing myths, and when the myths are gone the friendship can also end.

I have a friend of the family who has been overweight and recently had a stroke. She now lives in the past, a mostly fictional version of the past to be precise. She seems incapable of discussing the present. I understand that this is normal, but it's not possible or appropriate for me to try share my connection to happiness with a person who has lost interest.

Michael

I agree with this. As I'm continuing my descent (slower than I would like), my wife has asked me "Why are you trying to better yourself?". Now this could be taken as (I love you the way you are) or (what are you going to do once you've bettered yourself?). Good friends though, will typically take anything in stride (unless it's something that can be harmful to you).

I agree with this. As I'm continuing my descent (slower than I would like), my wife has asked me "Why are you trying to better yourself?". Now this could be taken as (I love you the way you are) or (what are you going to do once you've bettered yourself?). Good friends though, will typically take anything in stride (unless it's something that can be harmful to you).

Or sometimes not. Chuck was a good friend to me when I was largely immobile and a chessplayer. Once I gained mobility and developed interests outside of sedentary board games, our friendship ended. While I miss his friendship, I don't regret the choices I've made.

A lot of people feel personal guilt with the success of a friend. Like your friend saw you changing your life for the better, and instead of being happy for you, it forced him to look at himself, and ask himself why he didn't care enough about himself to do the same. It probably became easier for him to not see you at all, to avoid that guilt than to constantly have to deal with it every time you hung out.

Is it right? no..but it's just human nature. If he is a true friend, he'll come around again..or maybe down the line you'll have inspired him to do the same...you never know. But growth can only happen when moving forward.

It's a two way street. What have you done to rekindle the frienship?

I recently talked to a guy at the gym who is going through a divorce because as he put it " She refuses to take care of herself". They have been married for 43 years and have tried counseling, but according to him she just gave up on herself. While I can understand his frustration, I found it sad that HE gave up on her as well after 43 year together.

It's a two way street. What have you done to rekindle the friendship?

I've made suggestions on things we could do or see. He's stopped responding to my emails.

I realize friendships end for many reasons, but the one change I know of was my weight loss and sudden increase in mobility. Lacking other evidence, I have to assume that was the cause.

I had a friendship end the other way. A close friend of mine pretty much faded away the higher my weight got.

It's for a similar reason: The things he liked to do were all very active. As I became less able to do active things, he became less interested in hanging out. We did still see each other on occasion, but then I moved and we never made an effort to stay in touch.

My wife didn't support me during my weight loss struggles. This was before cycling was involved. Divorcing her was the best thing I ever did.

My fiance pushes me to eat better and ride more.

New York Magazine had a cover story 2-3 years ago about the high divorce rate of people who went through bariatric surgery, although I'd think it would apply equally to nonsurgical extreme weight loss.

Something to consider: Does the tremendous boost to self-esteem that often accompanies significant weight loss alter the dieters' personalities from that on which the relationship was built?

It's a two-way street. I've been more fit and less fit, not just huge, though. But at my least-fit, I'm on a par with my wife. So when I get into most-fit mode, it's easy to expect more of her, as well. Doesn't happen. Oh well.

I agree with this. As I'm continuing my descent (slower than I would like), my wife has asked me "Why are you trying to better yourself?". Now this could be taken as (I love you the way you are) or (what are you going to do once you've bettered yourself?).

Or "I'm insecure about whether he'll still want me when he's a 'new and improved' version of himself."

Same thing can happen when only one spouse advances their education or career to new levels.

New York Magazine had a cover story 2-3 years ago about the high divorce rate of people who went through bariatric surgery, although I'd think it would apply equally to nonsurgical extreme weight loss.

Something to consider: Does the tremendous boost to self-esteem that often accompanies significant weight loss alter the dieters' personalities from that on which the relationship was built?

Or it could be that the weight problems were from using food to emotionally cope with a poor relationship.

When a person can no longer overeat to self-medicate themselves, something else may have to go to keep life tolerable.

That would be a quick way to lose 200# of ugly fat -- dump 'em. :)

The older I get, the less confident I am about the length of relationships, be it personal, business or otherwise. Every relationship has a time line. I have had friendships end without good reason. To me it is harder then the ones that end with cause. People sometimes grow apart.

I think it comes down to communication, or the lack there of. I made a female friend in 2001. We lived in different states, but we had a common passion for whitewater kayaking. For over 7 years, we never missed a month that we were not together, and some months it was weekly. I was also in a love relationship the entire time and that information was an open part of our friendship. I went on vacations with my friend, and stayed dozens of weekends in her home. In December of 2008, I went to stay with her and I told here that I was planning on asking my love interest to marry me and because she was my best friend, I wanted to tell her. She floored me by telling me that she was terribly disappointed and that she had hoped it would be her :eek: Ok, so I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I did not see this one coming. I thought we were friends. I was wrong. It was simply a communication problem. She forgot to tell me that she was in love with me. We lived 5 hours apart. I told her this news at 11 pm. She asked me to leave:( Long drive home.

Neil, I feel for ya. Friends are a big deal, and loosing one is hard. I miss mine dearly.

Jay

my interests are driving me and my friends apart i think. for the most part almost all of my friends are still in the college party era. we average about 27 yrs old. i think college is over. now that i don't go out and get drunk all the time with them we seem to be growing apart. i just feel that alcohol and weed is a major step in the wrong direction for my goals and for my body. i might have a couple beers or drinks, but i always have to keep in mind it messes with my brain. for the next few days i will be in a very bad mood which leads to more drinking. it would explain why i went down the route of an alcoholic. so now i have not been hearing so much from my friends and the party invitations seemed to have stopped coming. i have a few gym buddies and riding friends and that's about it. one of my very good friends seems to have fallen off the wagon again has become very lazy.... again. there is only so many times i can say come back to riding or lifting instead of sitting around drinking beer all the time. he seems to be much more interested in waxing his car. its fine but its on the very obsessive side. it is very hard to watch, but i have to remember i can not allow myself to be lead in the wrong direction. i am sure many of you guys know exactly what it is like to really not have the support of the people that mean alot to you. my mother is finally 100% behind me after 3 years, but i am not sure if the rest of my family feels the same way. i kinda sense a bit of jealously :rolleyes:

New York Magazine had a cover story 2-3 years ago about the high divorce rate of people who went through bariatric surgery, although I'd think it would apply equally to nonsurgical extreme weight loss.

Something to consider: Does the tremendous boost to self-esteem that often accompanies significant weight loss alter the dieters' personalities from that on which the relationship was built?

I say yes in many cases.

Eh my SO pretty much accepts whatever I do. If I'm into guns, she's into guns. If I'm into cars, she's into cars. Right now we are both cycling and losing weight together. We update our weight spreadsheets at the same time, etc.

The latest issue of Bicycling has an article related to this topic. The author of Heft on Wheels profiles Greg LeMond, and in the course of the article mentions how the author's life fell apart as he took two mistresses, went through a divorce and move, and almost lost his job (college profs shouldn't sleep with students!) The cynic in me notes the author became unfaithful to his wife after he lost 75 pounds, quit drinking, and gave up smokes.

The latest issue of Bicycling has an article related to this topic. The author of Heft on Wheels profiles Greg LeMond, and in the course of the article mentions how the author's life fell apart as he took two mistresses, went through a divorce and move, and almost lost his job (college profs shouldn't sleep with students!) The cynic in me notes the author became unfaithful to his wife after he lost 75 pounds, quit drinking, and gave up smokes.

I've read Heft on Wheels three or four times and Lummox twice. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw Magnuson's My Space page that said he is single and drinks and I wondered what the hell happened. His blog didn't explain so I figured he's saving it for a professional publication. Much as I dislike Bicycling I'll have to get this one.

Edit: The article is on the website. Yay. http://www.bicycling.com/tourdefrance/article/0,6802,s1-3-9-20350-1,00.html

I've read Heft on Wheels three or four times and Lummox twice. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw Magnuson's My Space page that said he is single and drinks and I wondered what the hell happened. His blog didn't explain so I figured he's saving it for a professional publication. Much as I dislike Bicycling I'll have to get this one.

Well, at least he's a Clydesdale again! :)

Historian -

Friend no longer interested in occasional chess matches?

Historian -

Friend no longer interested in occasional chess matches?

I'm no longer interested in occasional chess games. It's a side effect of weight loss. :(

I've read Heft on Wheels three or four times and Lummox twice. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw Magnuson's My Space page that said he is single and drinks and I wondered what the hell happened. His blog didn't explain so I figured he's saving it for a professional publication. Much as I dislike Bicycling I'll have to get this one.

Edit: The article is on the website. Yay. http://www.bicycling.com/tourdefrance/article/0,6802,s1-3-9-20350-1,00.html

I feel for Mr. Magnuson. I have a friend who lost his 20 year marriage due to his infidelity, and I'd not wish that man's torture on anyone. However, I still wonder if Magnuson would have become involved with a 20-ish student of his had he remained a 255 pound smoker and binge-drinker. He says himself in the article one reason he took up with his 'mistress' is that she represented a lifestyle he had left behind. Since Magnuson is a thoughtful man, I'm sure he'd mulling that thought over too.

My wife didn't support me during my weight loss struggles. This was before cycling was involved. Divorcing her was the best thing I ever did.

My fiance pushes me to eat better and ride more.


That's how I feel. My wife (we're in the process of divorce) is not really interested in being healthy. She gave it lip service, but would not work with me. I can no longer live as a sedentary person, sitting on the couch and watching TV. It is important to me for someone to share my goals in life.

These things happen, it is hard to find someone that you share commonalities through all of lifes changes.

Yes, major life changes can make old friends distant. Friendship sometimes requires sharing myths, and when the myths are gone the friendship can also end.

I have a friend of the family who has been overweight and recently had a stroke. She now lives in the past, a mostly fictional version of the past to be precise. She seems incapable of discussing the present. I understand that this is normal, but it's not possible or appropriate for me to try share my connection to happiness with a person who has lost interest.

Michael

Depending on how her rehabilitation is organized, she may have social workers or psychologist services available. I can understand how depression can set in, but in time it does not have to be how she lives.

25+ years ago I quit smoking while I was living with my fiancee of three years. The self-image changes I felt as a result of quitting made me more self-confident, and interested in testing my new self. I had a side relationship with a co-worker. My self esteem also kept me from accepting some of the intrinsic disconnections between my girl and I, and I made the move to be honest with her. We decided to split soon after. Not a big fight scene, but we both realized we had not been suited to each other.

One change can lead to another, and to gaining some new knowledge about oneself.

I've been married for 19yrs and my wife encourages me whole heartedly. She has been supporting through this process and tries to ride with me as much as possible. As an uber-clyde (approx.#450) I have always been somewhat active. I get out and go places. Due to injuries to my knee long walking messes me up. I don't do the amusement parks with the family but did do Disney World several years ago and rode the rides I could. For me I have always been somewhat confident even with my large size. Yes harsh comments do hurt but my family and close friends have always supported me. I hope that with my new direction that it will actually bring me more friends. I'm still a computer geek and technonut but I'm getting out more. Most people have lost touch with friends over the years but it's sad when the reason for losing touch is that they struggle with your journey to become healthier both physically and mentally.

I've made suggestions on things we could do or see. He's stopped responding to my emails.

I realize friendships end for many reasons, but the one change I know of was my weight loss and sudden increase in mobility. Lacking other evidence, I have to assume that was the cause.

You do know that there could be other reasons, that you do not know about, wait a few months, then try contacting him again....

You do know that there could be other reasons, that you do not know about, wait a few months, then try contacting him again....

It's been three years. :(

Summary: Yes, kind of. When I was large, I also liked to party all night on the weekends, drink heavily, and do all other sorts of Bad Behavior. I was "the Tank", and had "a blast". Well, as I decided the life change was in order, I gave up drinking - and had to isolate myself from that group of friends for the most part. We've become very distant since then, but in the same right, still close. We don't socialize as much, but they're still around - and I still do attend events, just not until 6am :).

I also lost several female companions, but that's another story for another time. :)

What I did gain, however, were new friends and a new permanent female companion. One friend, who is my regular cycling buddy, and I had known each other for a very long time previously. Of course, back then we had little in common - but now we have families and cycling, so that's pretty awesome.

My wife and I have known each other since I was very large as well, my determination and newfound confidence was what "got her going" my way, so to speak :). For me, well, I'd always had a thing for her - so that worked out well. Now she's my biggest fan, and biggest reality check. I'm very lucky, and blessed, to have her around to support me when I'm doing good, and kick my ass off the fence when I'm slacking.

While there are people I've become distant from, there's a whole new group that this has opened me up to. New friends, Wife, and awesome new job - all because I got less-fat. Gotta love that!

My wife's best friend was having her weight loss sabotaged by her husband because he was lazy and did not want to work out with her. She was gaining her "hottie" status back and he was growing jealous of the attention she was getting. He finally saw the light one day when I went over for a bike ride with her and she told him we were going to go out for 3 or 4 hours. I asked if he wanted to come along, he said no, and I told him later that he was going to lose her if he did not get on aboard. It took him a while, but he is not exercising with her, has lost about 30 lbs so far and they are much happier.

Change is something to expect with time. I'm 63 and I don't think that I still have a close friend from 40 years ago. I've moved through different careers, locations, hobbies and friends. Sometimes I think that the most important friends are those we haven't made yet.

On the other hand, my wife of 55 (married 36 years) still gets in touch with some of the people that she went to high school with. I'm not sure that they qualify as best friends though as they only get together every other year or so.

It's been three years. :(

Wow, a great friend in the past - you're still concerned.

Consider, you have taken steps that perhaps he knows he should take, but does not know how to begin, or how to change his self-image to let himself begin, or have the strength at this time to engage with the change. He may then fear your opinion and judgement, as you move into a new world.

Kinda pop-psy, and I do apologize, but looking at myself, this is a possible perspective.

It shows a man who still needs a friend.

Wow, a great friend in the past - you're still concerned.

Consider, you have taken steps that perhaps he knows he should take, but does not know how to begin, or how to change his self-image to let himself begin, or have the strength at this time to engage with the change. He may then fear your opinion and judgement, as you move into a new world.

Kinda pop-psy, and I do apologize, but looking at myself, this is a possible perspective.

It shows a man who still needs a friend.

I fear too much is being made of this. I started this thread because I thought it was a good discussion topic, not for advice on any individual friendship I might or might not have. I'm not concerned beyond understanding how others cope with the enormous changes that happen when you lose a considerable portion of your body weight. This is all in the past for me.

Hold the phone here people! This old friend of Neil is not out to sabotage his life. The Historian has reached a goal that his friend may see as unattainable. The Historian goes to a gym. I'll bet there are people at this gym that he believes he will never be equal to no matter how hard he tries. To this one friend The Historian may have become one of these people. Now here's the real kicker, it is not about becoming as perfect as we see others, it is about becoming better than once we were.

I fear too much is being made of this. I started this thread because I thought it was a good discussion topic, not for advice on any individual friendship I might or might not have. I'm not concerned beyond understanding how others cope with the enormous changes that happen when you lose a considerable portion of your body weight. This is all in the past for me.

Ok.

I've read Heft on Wheels three or four times and Lummox twice. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw Magnuson's My Space page that said he is single and drinks and I wondered what the hell happened. His blog didn't explain so I figured he's saving it for a professional publication. Much as I dislike Bicycling I'll have to get this one.

Edit: The article is on the website. Yay. http://www.bicycling.com/tourdefrance/article/0,6802,s1-3-9-20350-1,00.html



WOW - I skimmed the first part cause I just wanted to read about the author - I too read and loved Heft on Wheels. I think reading the book and then this article is a great warning to me and us all that we can hcnage our lives by bicycling and eating better - etc - but our old life or worse is waiting for us. It made me want to get back on my horse and be better at my food program etc.

To OP: Yes - I thnk it's easy to lose people that supported you in being sick and tired and fat. They do not necessarly like the new person...who may not want the same lifestyle anymore.

"Few people have the natural strength to honor a friend's success without envy." - Aeschylus, one of my favorite quotes and I think it is relevant. I like quotes :) I'm only 21 and I have yet to experience half the stuff I've read in this thread. Whether it be good or bad, experiences are priceless.