Foo - Hey all you Foo'sters with Great Marriages

I need a reality check to get myself past a case of the grass is greeners - a resurging of my independent nature and seemingly innate personal preference for singlehood over marriage.

In recognizing that no relationship is perfect and we all choose our battles and how to prioritize on a daily basis. What brings you contentment in the every-day reality of your relationship? What is your balance?

Interesting question. I am in a very happy marriage of 23 years. There are no secrets to how it works. It is not that it either works or doesn't. It is that both partners have to work to a common goal. There is no hers or mine, only ours. We have a good life together. I don't see other pastures as greener.

There has to be love and compassion on both sides, or it doesn't work, imo. I find balance in the things that made me happy before I married: dance, music, personal hobbies, etc. We also find that going out and getting exercise together when things get hard make a huge difference.

I need a reality check to get myself past a case of the grass is greeners - a resurging of my independent nature and seemingly innate personal preference for singlehood over marriage.

In recognizing that no relationship is perfect and we all choose our battles and how to prioritize on a daily basis. What brings you contentment in the every-day reality of your relationship? What is your balance?

Turns out John was right, all you need is love, no bull****, if you really truly love you SO (and he/she you) you'll be fine, if you find yourself straying in any way shape or form and it gets worse chances are you don't want to be in a real relationship. (27 year marriage for me and still going.)

Don't fight over petty stuff. And almost everything is petty.

We have been married for more than 29 years now. The key, is keep talking, and realize no one is perfect, especially you. I am daily grateful that my wife loves me in spite of my "issues", and she feels the same way.

When both are working to make it work, loving and forgiving, you have a wonderful thing.

And if the grass seems greener else where, you might try fertilizing and watering more...

I'm having some marriage problems right now, but one thing I'm learning from it all is that open communication is a must. I felt like we had that, but as it turns out, we hold back alot of things from each other because whatever it is might hurt feelings. You can be sensitive and direct at the same time.

Also, just from doing a bit of research and talking to some long-time marrieds, sometimes you both have to realize that being in love isn't always about starry-eyed romantic stuff and having fun each and every day or weekend. There's alot of work involved. Sometimes the work can be very unpleasant. The couples that seem to last for years are the ones who recognize that and they stay married in part cause they've made a commitment to the other person. That said, those that can know sometimes stress relief is needed, even if all it is is taking a walk together around the neighborhood.

Short timer of 10 years here. We unite against the onslaught that is children, come together when feeling amorous, but pretty much ignore each other. If it weren't for the interwebz, we would have killed each other a long time ago.

And if the grass seems greener else where, you might try fertilizing and watering more...

Roger that :thumb:. Sometimes hard to do, but it does work.

We've been married since '92. Sherry and I are low-keyed people. We give each other lots of space. It's nothing for me to take off for the day and go riding or rooting in the woods while she stays home and watches tv. We don't spend a lot of money. We eat supper together EVERYDAY. She's a hardcore lib and I'm a right-wing-nut. We discuss politics but we don't argue. I would like to have some flashy bimbo to f*** but the old girl will do. I am deeply grateful to have her in my life.

I give her money.

All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down

All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down

*raises hand*

One bathroom, 6 people. The oldest (me) and the youngest (my son) are the only males. The lid stays down to save my sanity.

All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down

*doesn't raise hand* It's just not a big deal here. If the seat is up and needs to be down, whoever needs it moved will move it.

Talking is key. Discuss problems when they are small, before they become big. Be cognizant that no one is perfect and we just do the best we can. Crap happens, deal with it. Is that enough cliches? They're all accurate though.

It's also very important that you get time apart to pursue your own goals. My wife and I each get one weekend day for whatever we want. Usually, it's a ride. Yesterday she went. Today I did. One of us has to be home with the kids. It works out well for us.

15 years married here and we're still very much in love.

*doesn't raise hand* It's just not a big deal here. If the seat is up and needs to be down, whoever needs it moved will move it.

Talking is key. Discuss problems when they are small, before they become big. Be cognizant that no one is perfect and we just do the best we can. Crap happens, deal with it. Is that enough cliches? They're all accurate though.

It's also very important that you get time apart to pursue your own goals. My wife and I each get one weekend day for whatever we want. Usually, it's a ride. Yesterday she went. Today I did. One of us has to be home with the kids. It works out well for us.

15 years married here and we're still very much in love.

What he said! (except we don't have kids!)

Thanks all. Balance among family, career and self aren't an issue at all. We're very good at it. I'm not interested in someone else, or even the idea of someone else. I'm just...well, I've never been very good at marriage - long term relationships in general. Honestly, my ideal would be to live as neighbors. We actually have a house plan which is essentially a duplex with shared family room at the back. But we don't have the funds to build it and lord knows if we ever will. Once and awhile I just have to be reminded why I did this, again.

Friends first....partners second.

I think a lot of people get married to people they don't know very well, and that's where it starts. They have non stop sex for a few weeks and think they're SOULMATES. Well, when you're in your early 20s you can have non stop sex....a lot of people get married too young too. They think it's always going to be the same and then when it's not, when kids come along, they write it off as a big disappointment.

Love your wife selflessly. Love is not earned, it is given, with no expectation of getting something in return. Be a student of your wife, observe and listen and then act. Treat your wife like you did when you were still pursuing her for her hand in marriage.

If you are a man of faith and read, try the 5 Love Languages by Chapman or Love Must be Tough by Dobson.

My marriage is far from perfect, in fact it was recently teetering on the edge of disaster. A happy, healthy marriage is hard work. Best of luck. The rewards are well worth the effort.

I don't think that everyone is cut out for marriage. Some people yearn for it and others do not. I think A LOT of people get married because they think they have to/it's a fact of life/their family wants it, or one person presses for it and the other just goes along with it even though they don't really want to.

We talk without talking at the other. As stated, just about everything is petty, otherwise it's an emergency. Never try to change the other person, possibly their opinion but never them. Think of them in your daily life. She has and does her things, I have and do my things. We both cherish the kids.

It's work but it's rewarding.

Contentment?

I get that when I can step away from the frenzy and hassles of the world, and just spend some quiet time together appreciating the simpler things - the things that can get taken for granted. The world will always be there, but being able to share that refuge for at least part of the time helps to keep things from spinning out of control.

almost forgot... our 25th is 29 days away.

All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down

Hiring two people to cook and clean for her forgives a multitude of evils...

don't fight over petty stuff. And almost everything is petty.

+1.

Try. Try harder if you need to. Just don't try to be perfect. and be honest.

Your SO has to be a priority above all else. Your parents, your SOs parents, offspring, jobs etc ad nauseam. Also, you have to do the horizontal (sometimes vertical?) mambo regularly to maintain an intimate connection. Also, once you lose respect for your SO, your relationship is hosed.

Just celebrated the 22 year mark. We started off saying, "I've heard the 1st year is the toughest." We change it every year so "I've heard that the 23rd year is the toughest" is now the phrase. We go on dates regularly to stay in touch with why we started dating and got married in the first place. Our day-to-day relationship takes priority over those with our kids and our parents and we accept no ill words from anyone about the other. But mostly we acknowledge that it takes a concerted effort to make a marriage work and figure we might as well as fun in the process.

32 years, this upcoming Dec 24th, for me and CL.

Friends first....partners second.

1+
I completely agree. My wife and I were friends long before we ever started dating. In my previous marriage, I can say that my ex and I were NOT best friends. Not in this case. There is no one that would rather tell my secrets or feeling to.
Sometimes when I 'm pedaling my 16 year old commuter to work I think, gee it's sure be nice to get a new shiny bike, but this one is perfectly fine. Does what I need it to and I don't have to break in a new model! Same with my wife. Don't tell her I compared her to my bike!

I don't think that everyone is cut out for marriage. Some people yearn for it and others do not. I think A LOT of people get married because they think they have to/it's a fact of life/their family wants it, or one person presses for it and the other just goes along with it even though they don't really want to.

Exactly, which is why I believe that people should wait until they have the other things in their life (career, travel, hobbies, whatever) sorted out before they commit to a marriage. Of course, along they way they may discover that they actually LIKE being single as I did. For me the whole idea of being married just doesn't appeal to me at all, and that's not intended to denigrate women or relationships in any way, my problem is with the institution of marriage itself, and it's incompatability with traits I value such as honesty and independence.

The whole idea that I'd be forced into giving a future wife 50% of everything I've earned if I came home from work and found her cheating on me doesn't entice me at all. The mere thought that I would want to stay with someone who nagged or criticised me constantly just to make it "work" makes no sense at all. The prospect of other people thinking I should stay and try to fix such a marriage sounds completely ridiculous to me, indeed, the prospect of lawyers, therapists, counselors or the government having any say at all in any of my relationships seems like a situation I would make sacrifices to AVOID. Worst of all, the thought that a partner who doesn't want to be with me might only be staying "because we're married" seems almost worse than having someone leave.

I know that wasn't what the OP wanted to hear, and I'll almost certainly be flamed by someone for posting it, but that's what happens when people learn to think for themselves.

Exactly, which is why I believe that people should wait until they have the other things in their life (career, travel, hobbies, whatever) sorted out before they commit to a marriage. Of course, along they way they may discover that they actually LIKE being single as I did. For me the whole idea of being married just doesn't appeal to me at all, and that's not intended to denigrate women or relationships in any way, my problem is with the institution of marriage itself, and it's incompatability with traits I value such as honesty and independence.

(snip)

I know that wasn't what the OP wanted to hear, and I'll almost certainly be flamed by someone for posting it, but that's what happens when people learn to think for themselves.

Why would marriage to the right person be incompatible with honesty, independence, and thinking for yourself?

Why would marriage to the right person be incompatible with honesty, independence, and thinking for yourself?

The trick is finding the right person. It's actually quite difficult to do, given how different most people are, and how desperate a lot of people are to get married and have children. It's about finding someone who can accommodate your goals as you can accommodate theirs, and finding someone whose day to day life is compatible with yours. Unfortunately, a lot of people out there will say one thing just to get into a relationship or a marriage, and will only reveal their true nature after the marriage has actually been consummated. People who give ultimatums about being married by a certain time are notorious for this, as are people who withhold sex or other parts of the relationship until marriage.

Unfortunately, a lot of people get sucked into marriage this way, or simply get married too young (i.e before they know what they want to do when they grow up) and end up in a marriage they didn't really want, but are afraid to leave because of societal pressures to "make it work". Hence they don't pursue their life goals, and they don't speak up when the other person does things that make their life difficult. I'm not saying all marriages end up like this, but I've heard enough married people telling me how much they'd love to have my life to believe that a large percentage of them do.

Besides, what is the big hurry to get married anyway? You can have a perfectly happy, loving relationship without ever signing a marriage contract. You can stay with the other person forever and write them into your will without ever marrying them. The only difference in not marrying is that if you don't marry them and later you find out that they aren't the person you thought they were, or that they're cheating on you, or any one of a list of other things that might ruin your relationship, you can leave without lawyers, therapists, counselors or the government trying to stick their nose into your relationship.

[snip]

Besides, what is the big hurry to get married anyway? You can have a perfectly happy, loving relationship without ever signing a marriage contract. You can stay with the other person forever and write them into your will without ever marrying them. The only difference in not marrying is that if you don't marry them and later you find out that they aren't the person you thought they were, or that they're cheating on you, or any one of a list of other things that might ruin your relationship, you can leave without lawyers, therapists, counselors or the government trying to stick their nose into your relationship.

That's not necessarily the case. There have been times when a couple has cohabitated long enough that the woman has been able to sue the man for support of various kinds.

I agree completely with this post- I think most people think that marriage is simply something you have to do at some point in your life so you wind up settling with someone who 'is good enough' for you. Personally I see it as something that may or may not occur in my life. There is absolutely no rush.

As a whole I'm not against marriage, just against the ones that occur for the wrong reasons.

People will stick to bad relationships for a long time when married while they would've broken it off a long time ago if it wasn't for that ring. If a couple is seeing a marriage counsellor on a regular basis then it probably should be over.


The trick is finding the right person. It's actually quite difficult to do, given how different most people are, and how desperate a lot of people are to get married and have children. It's about finding someone who can accommodate your goals as you can accommodate theirs, and finding someone whose day to day life is compatible with yours. Unfortunately, a lot of people out there will say one thing just to get into a relationship or a marriage, and will only reveal their true nature after the marriage has actually been consummated. People who give ultimatums about being married by a certain time are notorious for this, as are people who withhold sex or other parts of the relationship until marriage.

Unfortunately, a lot of people get sucked into marriage this way, or simply get married too young (i.e before they know what they want to do when they grow up) and end up in a marriage they didn't really want, but are afraid to leave because of societal pressures to "make it work". Hence they don't pursue their life goals, and they don't speak up when the other person does things that make their life difficult. I'm not saying all marriages end up like this, but I've heard enough married people telling me how much they'd love to have my life to believe that a large percentage of them do.

Besides, what is the big hurry to get married anyway? You can have a perfectly happy, loving relationship without ever signing a marriage contract. You can stay with the other person forever and write them into your will without ever marrying them. The only difference in not marrying is that if you don't marry them and later you find out that they aren't the person you thought they were, or that they're cheating on you, or any one of a list of other things that might ruin your relationship, you can leave without lawyers, therapists, counselors or the government trying to stick their nose into your relationship.

I agree completely with this post- I think most people think that marriage is simply something you have to do at some point in your life so you wind up settling with someone who 'is good enough' for you. Personally I see it as something that may or may not occur in my life. There is absolutely no rush.

As a whole I'm not against marriage, just against the ones that occur for the wrong reasons.

People will stick to bad relationships for a long time when married while they would've broken it off a long time ago if it wasn't for that ring. If a couple is seeing a marriage counsellor on a regular basis then it probably should be over.

Guess this thread is separating the optimists from the pessimists. :p :D

Guess this thread is separating the optimists from the pessimists. :p :D

Absolutely! An optimist realises they're going to have a great life with or without a partner, and that while a finding the right partner may augment those experiences a little bit, they understand that it really isn't that important. Having this knowledge and having the power to follow through with their goals and ambitions (alone if need be), allows the optimist to say "no" to the wrong person or the wrong situation that would put the brakes on their dreams.

The pessimist, on the other hand, isn't so sure, and thus gives in to societal pressures to marry on someone else's terms (i.e. the partner threatens to leave if they don't get a ring, or their parents tell them it's about time to get married). The pessimist is afraid of being alone, and thus will stay in the wrong relationship with a partner who cheats on them or disrespects them in some other way. They will put their own ambitions on hold because they don't really believe these things are going to happen for them anyway.


That's not necessarily the case. There have been times when a couple has cohabitated long enough that the woman has been able to sue the man for support of various kinds.

This is actually true, and there are laws coming into Australia that will treat a lot of people who are simply cohabiting as if they are married by law. It seems to be the government's response to the declining marriage rate, although one wonders why the government have such a vested interest in this issue. That said, there's really no greater hurry to move in together than there is to get married anyway. If I need to save on rent that badly, I can just get a flatmate.

There's this old thing that starts "Do unto others...", perhaps you've heard it.
We're working on our 15th year. Found not the 1st, but the 2nd to be the toughest so far.

I discussed this thread with the spouse and we added another thought. Marriage is a team sport. We do not allow anyone outside our marriage to bad mouth the team nor do we take complaints about the other outside our relationship.

I discussed this thread with the spouse and we added another thought. Marriage is a team sport. We do not allow anyone outside our marriage to bad mouth the team nor do we take complaints about the other outside our relationship.

nice. :thumb:

especially important if there are children involved....I hate seeing people run their spouse down in front of their kids.

Turns out John was right, all you need is love, no bull****, if you really truly love you SO (and he/she you) you'll be fine, if you find yourself straying in any way shape or form and it gets worse chances are you don't want to be in a real relationship. (27 year marriage for me and still going.)

Same time span here, and I echo the sentiment, with one addition: Love isn't an emotion, it's a choice. Or, more precisely, a series of choices, made one after the other, every day. Choices that benefit the other party, even at the expense of your own preference or benefit.

If each of you is making those kinds of choices consistently, it is good, VERY good. :thumb:

However, every once in a while, one of you slips. That's when the importance of both of you working at it kicks in, because even when one of you is not quite there, there's enough good going on to get you through.

I discussed this thread with the spouse and we added another thought. Marriage is a team sport. We do not allow anyone outside our marriage to bad mouth the team nor do we take complaints about the other outside our relationship.

VERY good point!!!