Foo - Super Long Distance Relationship? Can this work??(really bummed)(srs)

I thought to ask what you guys think.


Background: I'm 24 and my gf is 23. We've been together almost 2yrs now. Very good relationship, shes loyal etc. Always tells me who shes going out with and all that(without me asking).

She has the opportunity to go to school in Mexico for some dentist program(she cant get into a dental program here in the US due to grades). Supposedly this school is certified by California and shes eligible to take the dental board exam once she graduates from that school and will live in the US here. This program is 4 years. Now she didnt get in yet, but it sounds like a 80% chance that she will get in. She would be going there starting next fall, and coming back to stay in socal in the summers, winters and thanksgiving breaks. Lets assume she already got accepted.

I really want to make this work because I think shes great but I also realize that long distance relationships are doomed for failure. I guess if we are super mature about it then we can make it work but 4 years? To add to it, one of her best friends from highschool(some guy) is there in the school now and she'll probably be hanging out with him alot.

She assures me that she wants to stay together and would never do anything to jeopardize the situation. I didnt like the idea to start off with...for obvious reasons.

I'm really bummed. I'm not really sure what to think at this point. You guys can tell me the good/bad news, i'm ready for it...:mad:

The love of my life is 1001 miles away and we see each other every three months... I am now 44 and she is 36 and this is the most wonderful relationship and most wonderful woman I have ever known.

The distance really means nothing (and there is a border between us too) and we are working at closing that distance forever... and I always tell her that I would wait forever for forever.

You call that "long distance"?:p
Machka is the expert on this;
Once she shows up, she can tell you about a Canada/Australia relationship.:lol:

would it work for my age though? Should I be worried about her friend?? I'm a little bugged about it.

I can only speak for myself... if I was 24 and the girl was 23 things would not be any different except that I would probably not have two children and would have moved a year ago.

You know that state of your relationship better than anyone and you are just going to have to see if this can work for you.

Machka's better half lives in Australia and she lived here in Canada until recently... she is my age.

OP, are you a miscer?

I was in a long-distance (4,350 miles) relationship for 6 years. When we started, I was 23, she was 20. We met twice a year during our vacations.

After the six years, I moved to her home country and we got married. Now we have two kids and couldn't be happier.

So yes, if both are motivated and patient, long-distance relationships work fine. But you have to have patience and commitment, and you have to be willing to take it one day at a time.

I've spent a lot of time away from my wife. When we were both in college together I spent 2 summers out of the country, and after I graduated she still had 2 years left, which we spent in different states. Then I spent the summer of 2008 and all of 2009 all the way across the country. It can be done. It's up to you guys whether you want it to be done.

It can be hard, but absence can also make the heart grow fonder. Your situation is all going to come down to trust. Do you trust her, or don't you? If you have that trust, it can work. If not, I don't know how you would stand it.

You're 24. Either move with her or start dating other people.

Your mom is kicking you out and your girlfriend is moving to Mexico? Jeez, your life sucks.

Ah, long distance relationships across international borders. I did that once, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Lasted a bit more than a year before I concluded that we couldn't provide each other with the level of support we needed and killed it. I got over it 3 months later, it took her at least another year. My current girlfriend (5 years) and I spent most of our summers apart except for a couple visits. After two summers apart when she then decided to go for a PhD I informed her that either a) We needed to arrange me having a job and her being admitted to a decent school in the same place or b) that as much as I hated it, we needed to split.

Hey ovo! Welcome back. :D

OK, my brother had a long distance relationship with a young lady in the Philippines, and wound up moving there to be with her. He's been married to her for 5 years and has a passel of kids now, so yes, they can work well. YMMV.

would it work for my age though? Should I be worried about her friend?? I'm a little bugged about it.

I deleted my post when I realized where you were located, but you responded before the deletion.

My 16 year old god-daughter plans on marrying her BF directly after high school, and everybody's Spidey-sense tingles, but does that mean it will end in disaster? Of course not, people were marrying young long before this modern trend of spending your 20 just dating. My point? if both of you think you have something special, ignore the naysayers and go ahead and try it. Long Distance Relationships are just a little more difficult, but it's not some 100% guarantee of disaster, and the worst that can happen is you break up.

Your mom is kicking you out and your girlfriend is moving to Mexico? Jeez, your life sucks.

He's 24...his mom needs to kick him out if she hasn't done so already. As for the girlfriend thing well...let's just say I havn't had sixty fivers luck. Since her old high school flame is going along for the ride, I'd say save yourself a lot of grief and cut it off. You're young...you'll recover, believe me. That may sound harsh, but to quote the devil..."ain't nothin' ever as good as we would like it to be" Move on and HTFU. It'll be better for you in the long run.

OP, are you a miscer?

Yea Brah why?

I deleted my post when I realized where you were located, but you responded before the deletion.He's not really in Russia. Unless they moved it to the San Fernando Valley.

He's not really in Russia. Unless they moved it to the San Fernando Valley.

Yea im in Socal guys

He's 24...his mom needs to kick him out if she hasn't done so already. As for the girlfriend thing well...let's just say I havn't had sixty fivers luck. Since her old high school flame is going along for the ride, I'd say save yourself a lot of grief and cut it off. You're young...you'll recover, believe me. That may sound harsh, but to quote the devil..."ain't nothin' ever as good as we would like it to be" Move on and HTFU. It'll be better for you in the long run.

this is what my head is telling me...but also in the back of my mind I keep hearing "she is different and loyal". Then I'm like "women are all the same"...

Heres the kicker. : She wrote her admissions personal statement to the school and wanted me to review it. It was so bad no one would have accepted her. She begged me to fix it so I did. I made it almost 150 times better. And now I dont want her to go there, but I was intrumental in her getting in...But she says this is what she really wants to do and doesnt want to live poor(srs).

Sorry didn't read any of the other posts, but I am very anti long distance (regardless of borders). Makes things very difficult and strained.

You're 24. Either move with her or start dating other people.
:(

Your mom is kicking you out and your girlfriend is moving to Mexico? Jeez, your life sucks.
My mom is not kicking me out :)

My wife and I only dated for 5 months before I moved to Seattle (3200 miles away). We kept a long distance relationship good for about 1 1/2 years before she moved here.


You're 24. Either move with her or start dating other people.
But.....we were 37 and 41 when I moved......at 24 it is much harder. I'm not saying it can't work, but your respective ages are much against you unless you are VERY MATURE for your age.

Loooks like I should just pray she doesnt get in...FML

But.....we were 37 and 41 when I moved......at 24 it is much harder. I'm not saying it can't work, but your respective ages are much against you unless you are VERY MATURE for your age.

Not to mention, and sorry to be crass, at 24 I sometimes did a lot of thinking with the man below. While I was always 100% loyal to the girl I was with, I would never have been able to do a long distance relationship unless it was an open relationship.

Ovoleg, this is what I would do if I was in your situation.

I would not help her any more in terms of applying for the school. Her acceptance is based on simple things like being able to fend for herself when applying. It's like you telling her what to say at a job interview. She has to EARN this.

If she does get accepted, at that point I would put to the realization that because of her age, the freedom, the cultural differences and the 'party' atmosphere of higher learning, she may indeed meet other people and may not be strong enough to stay true to what she left in the US. I don't just mean YOU, I mean that when there is temptation, a lot of morals and self promises go out the door. Remember that this is also a time of experiments. Doing things that you never did before when under the watchful eye of your parents or friends.

Perhaps when she leaves it will be a time when you both should take a breather, tend to your lives as you have them and see how things go. If she truly is faithful and her heart is true to you then this is the test. Just be open minded and go with the flow. Dwelling on it is adding stress to your life and all it will do is bring you into a negative state of worry.

Be open, be aware and be accepting.

Ovoleg, this is what I would do if I was in your situation.

I would not help her any more in terms of applying for the school. Her acceptance is based on simple things like being able to fend for herself when applying. It's like you telling her what to say at a job interview. She has to EARN this.

If she does get accepted, at that point I would put to the realization that because of her age, the freedom, the cultural differences and the 'party' atmosphere of higher learning, she may indeed meet other people and may not be strong enough to stay true to what she left in the US. I don't just mean YOU, I mean that when there is temptation, a lot of morals and self promises go out the door. Remember that this is also a time of experiments. Doing things that you never did before when under the watchful eye of your parents or friends.

Perhaps when she leaves it will be a time when you both should take a breather, tend to your lives as you have them and see how things go. If she truly is faithful and her heart is true to you then this is the test. Just be open minded and go with the flow. Dwelling on it is adding stress to your life and all it will do is bring you into a negative state of worry.

Be open, be aware and be accepting.

Thanks for the advice Siu. I'm trying not to work and say to myself "it doesnt really matter I can get someone equal or better no problem" but its not that easy.

She will likely get in, her high school buddy thats there now gave her alot of tips on how to pass the interview. She is also taking some entrance test but since shes a biology major I'm sure she will score much better than the other people applying. I'm not helping her at all anymore, the only thing I helped her with was the personal statement because my writing trumps hers.

Anyways thanks for your advice, I'm going to focus on not thinking about it...

Move with her. Srs.

Move with her. Srs.

to mexico? what the hell would i do there...

I barely speak spanish and she will be living in some city thats centered around this university

http://www.skype.com/
^^^
Best thing that happened to my long distance relationship (opposite coasts).

Ovoleg, this is what I would do if I was in your situation.

I would not help her any more in terms of applying for the school. Her acceptance is based on simple things like being able to fend for herself when applying. It's like you telling her what to say at a job interview. She has to EARN this.

If she does get accepted, at that point I would put to the realization that because of her age, the freedom, the cultural differences and the 'party' atmosphere of higher learning, she may indeed meet other people and may not be strong enough to stay true to what she left in the US. I don't just mean YOU, I mean that when there is temptation, a lot of morals and self promises go out the door. Remember that this is also a time of experiments. Doing things that you never did before when under the watchful eye of your parents or friends.

Perhaps when she leaves it will be a time when you both should take a breather, tend to your lives as you have them and see how things go. If she truly is faithful and her heart is true to you then this is the test. Just be open minded and go with the flow. Dwelling on it is adding stress to your life and all it will do is bring you into a negative state of worry.

Be open, be aware and be accepting.

If he really cares about her, why wouldn't he help her out if it's the best thing for her?

And if they decide to take a break, what do you mean by her being "faithful"? Either they should decide their relationship is worth it and go for it 100% or they should just agree to see other people and if they happen to cross paths in 4 years, so be it.

to mexico? what the hell would i do there...

I barely speak spanish and she will be living in some city thats centered around this university

First off, you'll learn Spanish. Second, dude, you'll have a totally amazing experience living in another country that you wouldn't get in SoCal.

First off, you'll learn Spanish. Second, dude, you'll have a totally amazing experience living in another country that you wouldn't get in SoCal.

what would I do for work/money? In a year i'll get my mechanical engineering degree...would be interesting to work there though...lol.

what would I do for work/money? In a year i'll get my mechanical engineering degree...would be interesting to work there though...lol.
It would be more than interesting. It would be something you could draw on for the rest of your life. Do it.

Thanks for the advice Siu. I'm trying not to work and say to myself "it doesnt really matter I can get someone equal or better no problem" but its not that easy.

Nobody can expect that of you, Ovoleg. Just try to go with the flow. What happens will happen. Just don't blind yourself or set yourself up for heart ache.


If he really cares about her, why wouldn't he help her out if it's the best thing for her?

And if they decide to take a break, what do you mean by her being "faithful"? Either they should decide their relationship is worth it and go for it 100% or they should just agree to see other people and if they happen to cross paths in 4 years, so be it.

I know he loves her but how can doing the write up be the best thing for her? If she cannot do it herself then getting into the school when she doesn't qualify won't be the best for her. She will be struggling!

If I tried to get into UC Berkeley and really just didnt' qualify how can getting someone to help me with entrance help me when it comes to handling the rigors of University? He said her writing skills needed help. How is doing it for her going to help her when she has to write a thesis?

I said take a BREATHER. For him not to stress over this. He said she is faithful, did he not? Well if she loves him then she will continue to. This is a test. It can go either way.

Also please note that I said it was what I myself would do in that situation.

Ovoleg, in the way you asked th question, I think you are out the door already. At your age, and I tried one of those at your age, Arizona vs Kansas, it just didn't work. I think you want someone on a full time basis, not maybe ready for marriage, but want someone there. That's my take on it. If that is true, just acknowledge it and move on.

I know he loves her but how can doing the write up be the best thing for her? If she cannot do it herself then getting into the school when she doesn't qualify won't be the best for her. She will be struggling!

If I tried to get into UC Berkeley and really just didnt' qualify how can getting someone to help me with entrance help me when it comes to handling the rigors of University? He said her writing skills needed help. How is doing it for her going to help her when she has to write a thesis?

I said take a BREATHER. For him not to stress over this. He said she is faithful, did he not? Well if she loves him then she will continue to. This is a test. It can go either way.

Also please note that I said it was what I myself would do in that situation.

1) Sui generally has decent advise, rank it a bit higher than the other stuff on here.
2) Support her. I'm not saying do her admissions work, but at least support the decision, and the process. If this is what she wants to do, and you two stay together, you don't want to be the one person who held her back. If you don't stay together, at least you'll be helping someone out. While as I previously stated LTRs really suck, they can make you stronger. Schedule a visit for a week or two over the summer after you get out of school, or some other convenient time for you to fly down. I think you'll know after that trip if you two are falling apart or sticking together despite the distance.
3) Skype rocks, I can't believe I forgot about that, use it daily. Even if it's 11:00 to 11:15 (or some other late but always still awake time) to touch base on your day and breathe for a couple minutes.
4) There is a huge difference between writing her admissions packet for her, and peer reviewing it. I'm not sure which occurred, and it seems like nobody else here is either. Please clarify.
5) From the sounds of things (not good enough grades for the US, not being able to write an application), etc, I wouldn't want her using a drill in my mouth. On the other hand, if she can get her license (or whatever it is) in the US, after this, then she will have apparently gotten over her problems. The experience in dental school there may be sufficient to bring her to excel in her field, or the failure may show her that she should do something else with her life. Either way, it will probably be good for her over all. My high school calculus teacher was awful at math. It took her years longer than it should have to get to the point of being capable of teaching high school calc (years of people telling her she would never be good enough of course), but by the time she finally struggled through it, not only did she learn the material (she was a great teacher), but she personally understood the struggles that her students would have.
6) It should be pretty obvious, but sit down and TALK WITH HER about all of this. Mention your concerns about the guy from high school, about losing touch, what plan you have (or will then make) to avoid that, and all the other stuff flapping about in your head.

I had the similar story but I was able to visit her a lot over the 4 years. we decided to have an open relationship so we could both date other people. over 4 years in this age range people change a lot but since we kept in touch and went to similar schools in creative programs and since I visited a lot and even sat in on some of her classes we both stayed very tight. when she graduated I gave up an early established career so we could live together in the Boston area. well, we were so good at the long distance open relationship thing, neither one of us could be monogamous even while living together. after 2 years we got our own places but kept dating for another 2 years until we each married other people. LOL hahahaha turns out giving up my early established career in NYC was STUPID.

anyway - good luck with YOUR life! :-)

4) There is a huge difference between writing her admissions packet for her, and peer reviewing it. I'm not sure which occurred, and it seems like nobody else here is either. Please clarify.
5) From the sounds of things (not good enough grades for the US, not being able to write an application), etc, I wouldn't want her using a drill in my mouth. On the other hand, if she can get her license (or whatever it is) in the US, after this, then she will have apparently gotten over her problems. The experience in dental school there may be sufficient to bring her to excel in her field, or the failure may show her that she should do something else with her life. Either way, it will probably be good for her over all. My high school calculus teacher was awful at math. It took her years longer than it should have to get to the point of being capable of teaching high school calc (years of people telling her she would never be good enough of course), but by the time she finally struggled through it, not only did she learn the material (she was a great teacher), but she personally understood the struggles that her students would have.
.

4) She wrote it and said "hey can you look at this and help me fix it since you're really good at writing". As soon as I saw it I had to fix the situation. It had tons of grammatical mistakes and generally didnt flow. I fixed it by basically using her information but rewriting it from the ground up. You can say I wrote it, because there is a significant difference between her version and mine.

5) She did bad in key classes but they are hard and have nothing to do with dentistry. I understand how you feel, and honestly I probably wouldnt want some stranger with bad grades performing on me either. She really loves dentistry and always talks about it. Also she volunteered in a dental office as an assistant and loved it. She says this is what she really wants to do and since she has this opportunity she has to go for it. She studies ALOT. I would guess on the order of 4-8 hours everyday during school and when we are out of school she studies for random practice tests shes about to take.

I did the long distance route for two years, skype was not even a suggestion back then (1997-1999), I was Inverness, Scotland she was in Miami, Florida, I had just turned 30 she was approaching 25 at the time.

Fast forward quite a few years later April will be our 8th wedding anniversary.

It can be hard and frustrating and you both have to want it, but is is toatally doable, the internet and jet planes have made this world a lot smaller.

its not going to work, you guys are way to young to deal with it, don't think so? cool, just remember I was the one that mentioned this and hit me up when things go wrong. Sorry, I like being honest.

You're 24. ...move with her...

This ^^


First off, you'll learn Spanish. Second, dude, you'll have a totally amazing experience living in another country that you wouldn't get in SoCal.


It would be more than interesting. It would be something you could draw on for the rest of your life. Do it.

It would be something amazing that you just can't up and do as easily when you are older and have a career, car-payments, kids, etc... Go for it!


http://www.skype.com/
^^^
Best thing that happened to my long distance relationship (opposite coasts).

If you want to keep the relationship alive without moving, communication is essential. Allen has it right. Skype is awesome!

My feelings, if you decide not to move with her, would be to tone your relationship back a little. You are far too young to be pining away at home over some girl who moved to Mexico if you aren't willing to move with her. Continue to communicate and see each other while she is home. However, you should allow both her and yourself to see other people and go out and do and experience life. When she is finished with school, if you are both still of like mind then you can pursue a more committed relationship.

This ^^





It would be something amazing that you just can't up and do as easily when you are older and have a career, car-payments, kids, etc... Go for it!



If you want to keep the relationship alive without moving, communication is essential. Allen has it right. Skype is awesome!

My feelings, if you decide not to move with her, would be to tone your relationship back a little. You are far too young to be pining away at home over some girl who moved to Mexico if you aren't willing to move with her. Continue to communicate and see each other while she is home. However, you should allow both her and yourself to see other people and go out and do and experience life. When she is finished with school, if you are both still of like mind then you can pursue a more committed relationship.

How can I move to Mexico? what would I do for work? They dont have any work there as it is, what would they want me for?

I'm kinda worried about getting hijacked and held for ransom(heard its sorta common?). Where do I even start looking for work?

Working in Mexico is nearly impossible as they have extremely difficult Visa requirements for non residents.

On the other hand, the cost of living is extremely low.

How can I move to Mexico? what would I do for work? They dont have any work there as it is, what would they want me for?

I'm kinda worried about getting hijacked and held for ransom(heard its sorta common?). Where do I even start looking for work?

Do you have a job now? Start saving some $$ so you don't have to work right away. Where is the school? Could you work on campus? Could you work in a tourist/tour guide job?

Like I said...take a step back. You are only 24 and you have a whole lotta life ahead of you to be tied down to one person. If you just can't see yourself taking that risk, then stay at home and see other people, too. Let the chips fall where they will. (No, not Chip, chips.)

The 1000 miles between myself and The Girl seems paltry compared to the distances other people have to deal with and despite that, many people don't understand how we can maintain a relationship.

Add to that the fact we started this relationship by remote and without physically meeting, we never looked at one another until 18 months after we started courting.

I am still amazed at this but since then have seen it happen for many other people.

http://www.skype.com/
^^^
Best thing that happened to my long distance relationship (opposite coasts).

+ 1,000

this is what my head is telling me...but also in the back of my mind I keep hearing "she is different and loyal". Then I'm like "women are all the same"...

Then listen to it and save yourself at least some of the pain. The back of your mind is full of it. Still...all women are not the same. (but they are when they're 24) You can't honestly believe she's not going to be partying hard with this guy in Mexico...nip it. You'll be back on your bike again before you know it. ;)

is anything keeping you in so.cal?

is anything keeping you in so.cal?

Habit...

24 is too young to be committing to a relationship that is going to be this difficult. Cut each other loose from a "relationship" standpoint. Date other people. Stay in touch, if you wish. See how you both feel about each other when she graduates.

damn....I guess I'm truly lucky to only be a 4hr drive (283.5miles) from Airwick.