You Know You're a Drunkard When...

[HereNT]

You play the same song 20 times in a row at top volume at three in the morning and are certain the neighbors don’t mind because, you know, it’s such a kick-ass song.

You think the porcelain hat looks good on you.

Your idea of karaoke is falling off the stage while yelling “Rock and roll!” into the microphone.

Your house is four times farther from the bar on the way back.

Your alarm clock is synchronized with the nearest liquor store’s opening time.

You have threatened to murder and marry the same person in the span of a single happy hour.

You are the answer to the question, “What kind of idiot pukes in a bidet?”

While in the drunk tank your friends tried to sneak you a fifth of Beam in a cake.

You’re personal trainer is a bartender.

You’ve known Jack Daniels so long you refer to him as John.

You watch Behind the Music and think “That’s really not that much alcohol.”

The bartender is in the weeds and you’re the only person in the bar.

You refuse to play Golden Tee because there is no beer cart girl.

Think box wine is great; eagerly awaiting box whiskey.

Troy Baxley, Matty G., Nick Esposito, FKR, Swamp, Oggar

[HereNT]

You get cut off in absentia.

You won’t rent an apartment that doesn’t have a bar and liquor store within two blocks.

You’re favorite cocktail is one quarter vodka, one quarter vodka, one half vodka and topped up with vodka.

You get angry when guys who can’t hold their liquor keep stepping on your fingers.

You get nervous when there are only three bottles of liquor left in your house.

You forget how pants work.

You’re not angry about the fly in your drink, you’re angry he didn’t chip in on the tab.

You’ve never taken a lesson, but after eight drinks you’re pretty damn sure you can play the piano. And break dance. At the same time.

You hate it when your lightweight drinking buddies get so drunk you can barely see them.

You’ve put a dozen vampires into A.A.

You shake the same person’s hand five times between last call and getting booted out.

You’re entire life’s savings equals a case a cheap beer and bottle of rotgut bourbon. And you’re very excited by the fact.

You think Jim Beam is a utility company because it keeps shutting off your lights.

You never blackout. You just take a lot of “loud vertical naps.”

—FAS, FKR, A Liar’s Club Regular, Dave Schalmo, The Dirty Swede, barcalounge, Big Casino and Toondale.

[HereNT]

You have never taken a drink of a non-alcoholic beverage without thinking, “Man, a splash of booze would fix this right up.”

You’ve apologized to people you don’t remember meeting for things you don’t remember doing in places you don’t remember going.

You think of plate glass windows as more suggestions than guidelines.

You can’t walk a straight line unless the floor is moving.

You dressed as a wino for halloween and no one noticed.

Half the bartenders in town know exactly which porch to leave you on.

Your tapeworm joined a 12 Step program.

You attempted to have a keg delivered to your cell in the drunk tank.

Your paychecks are deposited directly into a bar’s bank account.

Instead of “Good morning,” the first words out of your mouth are “Have you seen my trousers?”

You were looking forward to your court-mandated alcohol classes until you found out there wasn’t any actual alcohol involved.

You hang an open umbrella from your drinking hand to catch the spillage.

Long Islands are your cup of tea.

The words “Last Call” physically hurt you.

Detox leaves a mint under your pillow.

—Jacko, Barcalounge, DPAW, Omar, Troy Baxley, One For The Frog, Frank Bell and FKR.

[HereNT]

More here:

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_youre_a_drunk.htm

:)

[HereNT]

And these would be me :

You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.
You hate the person you become when you black out, because, you know, that f*cker drinks all your beer.

:)

[Juha]

You forget how pants work.

:lol:

--J