General Cycling Discussion - Troll Competition

I’m a newbie trying to buy a reliable bike for less than $400 that I can use for commuting, touring and BMX racing. I have a tight budget, so I’m hoping my handgun will keep cars far enough away that I won’t need a helmet. The gun is also handy for dogs that come at me while I ride along the sidewalk and when cars get mad at me when I run red lights. Any other suggestions for dealing with obnoxious drivers?

My LBS has given me lots of advice, but I can save 5% by going online. Would that be ethical? I hear Perfomance is slow with orders, have y'all had problems? The LBS also tells me that Campy parts are all junk and that I should use only Shimano on my fixie (gears are for wimps!). LBS will throw in a LAF wristband for $20. Is that worth it? LBS tells me I should use TriFlow or the like, but motor oil has always worked just fine for me

As far as getting fit, I’d like to use a HRM, but I think cadence should be my guide. I’m also on the Atkins diet, but some say that Atkins is a cult, not a diet. Is Atkins safe for cyclists?

I don't want to look for other people who may have asked the same questions in other threads. Bezides, sum of u make so many tipe-os that I kant reed ur posts. I'd post this on the Women’s Cycling Forum, too, but some bigot won’t let me.

Edit: I forgot to say that this should be a sticky thread and that I need to know which is better, Gatorskins, Armadillos, or kevlar liners. Thanks.

Apologies to Allister, ChezJfrey, Dchiefransom, a2psyklnut, and others for stealing ideas.

You forgot fashion, man. What do all you crazy bike people wear? Why don't I look as good as you when I wear bike shorts? Do they make my but look fat? Does wearing a US Postal Jersey mean that my co-workers will go postal on me? Or does it mean that I'll ride faster, and be able to get away from them? Should I change clothes and shower at work, or just be a greasy sweaty mess?

Sorry, I'm not a troll, just a junkie. Can't come up with much else. Other than :

Happy Birthday!!!

Apologies to A.Troll.

Sometimes new riders are just ignorant in some areas, so they need help from more experienced riders. We shouldn't be too hard on them. Still, I hope they can laugh at themselves along with us. Maybe they aren't trolling on purpose.

I have a big head. Which helmet will fit me?

I have big feet. Can someone tell me which brand of cycling shoe to buy?

Why do road bikers shave their legs? whats the best way if I do?

What does Koffee have against men, and why did she close another interesting thread discussing men's issues?

I was riding against traffic on the sidewalk and this jerk comes out of nowhere and hits my brother's sister's cousin who was riding behind me but I got the whole thing on video because I always video tape what is behind me in case someone strikes me from behind. Of course I whipped around and gave him the stare of death while I knocked out all his windows and flattened all his tires and then hit him. Maybe I should carry bear spray, or a gun, what do you think? Then to make matters worse some policeman with an attidude harassed me and told me to get off the street when I ran a red light. I know I was at fault but that was no reason for him to pull me over! So acting on a tip, I show him my Orphan Anne Fan club card instead of my drivers license for ID so he won't take me in to the precinct and my insurance won't go up. Then this guy steals my bike so I chase him down and twist my bike frame around his neck and he won't pay for replacement......... Ad nauseum...... =o)

Holy crap keep this going! Its freakin' funny! :lol:


I have big feet. Can someone tell me which brand of cycling shoe to buy?

When I read this quote I felt like asking should the question be, "What size shorts do I buy?" Cause you know what they say about men with big feet. :eek:

I rode my bike to go get a hair cut. I asked the barber if I can bring my bike inside. He said sure, no problem. I said thanks. He said, nice bike....

George

What does Koffee have against men, and why did she close another interesting thread discussing men's issues?

what thread was this?

What bike should I buy? My budget is $100. I saw this special at Wal-Mart, it was a pink Huffy for $79.99. It looked real cool because is has full suspension. I'm a 36 year old guy, 350lbs. The sales person at Wal-Mart was really helpful and knowledgable. He said the Huffy would be perfect for me, they are a good brand and real sturdy. He also told me to stay off the sidewalk and to always ride on the left hand side of the road. I'd also like to put clipless pedals on it because I've heard that they would make me faster. I don't want to get a helmet, I think they look stupid. I think I need a lock, because I am going to ride to work and I don't want anyone to steal my brand new bike. Which lock should I get?

Where can i get a nazi cycling jersey?

What bike should I buy? My budget is $100. I saw this special at Wal-Mart, it was a pink Huffy for $79.99. It looked real cool because is has full suspension. I'm a 36 year old guy, 350lbs. The sales person at Wal-Mart was really helpful and knowledgable. He said the Huffy would be perfect for me, they are a good brand and real sturdy. He also told me to stay off the sidewalk and to always ride on the left hand side of the road. I'd also like to put clipless pedals on it because I've heard that they would make me faster. I don't want to get a helmet, I think they look stupid. I think I need a lock, because I am going to ride to work and I don't want anyone to steal my brand new bike. Which lock should I get?

BWAHAHAHA! ROFLOL! I hope I haven't pulled anything as bad as that...lol!

Underwear, do you wear whitie tighties under your shorts?

Enshrining Lance's ex-wife (stirring up the Koffee factor)

I was going to get a Serotta, but I'm a registered Republican, and I want to buy a bike made in the USA.

I was in a rush this morning so I took my most direct route to work (only 250 km as opposed to my usual 400). I was riding my 1901 clown unicycle (cause two wheels are for wimps – clowns RULE!!), when the driver of senior’s home bus raised his eyebrows at me in what was clearly a hostile manner.

Now I’m usually a levelheaded guy, but this really pissed me off. Even so, I let him off with a light pistol whipping. Unfortunately, when I was trying to jump from the cycle onto the hood of the moving bus to get to the driver, I slipped a bit when my pet monkey jumped out of my backpack.

So my question is, would a monkey trailer have avoided this? Anybody have any experience with monkey trailers?

bump!

This is the best thread ever!

I use WD40 for all my lubrication needs (including my bike) - i have noticed a bit of creaking from the hubs and chain though but I just turn the volume up on my Walkman so no problem

I ride a MTB, but mostly on the road. Also, I'm gay but closeted. So should I wear lycra shorts, baggies, or corduroy cut-offs?

I ride a MTB, but mostly on the road. Also, I'm gay but closeted. So should I wear lycra shorts, baggies, or corduroy cut-offs?

LOL! caloso...back @ ya!

I need some advice. A few weeks ago my MTB buddies who are all single, live for Babylon 5 re-runs, and haven't had GFs in 5-10 years started in on me about wanting to "road bike." I feel embarased when they make fun of me while I'm riding my roadie, and they are on their sweet full suspension Huffys. I don't hear the end of it, and am concidering getting rid of my pink "Team Richard Simmons" jersey and matching pink tights. Should I go back to straight guy biking my BMX thru red lights, on the sidewalk, crazy cool straight guy "street style?"

LANCE SUCKS!!!

I wear Corduroy cut off's or a skinsuit with velodrome helmet, depending on who i ride with.
Can we start a gay guys for gay guys forum?

I saw Breaking Away and thought it sucked big time. I watched most of it inbetween commercials and it had to be the stupidest movie about cycling ever. I can't believe I kept switching back to it while I was trying to watch an awsome monster truck show and demolition derby which I kept missing parts of cause of that stupid movie.

I was riding against traffic on the sidewalk and this jerk comes out of nowhere and hits my brother's sister's cousin who was riding behind me but I got the whole thing on video because I always video tape what is behind me in case someone strikes me from behind. Of course I whipped around and gave him the stare of death while I knocked out all his windows and flattened all his tires and then hit him. Maybe I should carry bear spray, or a gun, what do you think? Then to make matters worse some policeman with an attidude harassed me and told me to get off the street when I ran a red light. I know I was at fault but that was no reason for him to pull me over! So acting on a tip, I show him my Orphan Anne Fan club card instead of my drivers license for ID so he won't take me in to the precinct and my insurance won't go up. Then this guy steals my bike so I chase him down and twist my bike frame around his neck and he won't pay for replacement......... Ad nauseum...... =o)

Hold on! That's not fair, you just copied this from a post from about a month ago. :D

I was wondering which SUV was best: the H2 or the Ford Excursion?

recumbents are for cripples only!!

should i wear a thong while riding?

should i have a soviet union jeresy?

should i shave my wangorio if i shave my legs?

campy shoud be used on MTB's.

does it make me gay to wear short shorts in public?

should i get a saddle with a hole in it?

i like touching girls asses, should i do this on a ride?

we should all pee in our shorts while riding.

i like wering underwear do to the fricition with certain area's.

aluminum will last forever.

everything should be steel.

walmart bikes are the best for racing on the road and off road.

spinergy is good.

i like riding on the wrong side of the road, slapping old people in the back of the head when i pass, and not wearing a helmet.

you have to train on a heavy bike since wind is obviously not the greatest resistance against you moving.

women should not ride bikes and they should always be topless.

guys look gay in cycling gear.

people that own road using dogs should be shot and the viscious animal should be put in a fancy magical place of nekkid peta people and gold and pixies and such and so forth.

triples are for old people that use recumbents.

LOL too funny OK here goes:

If you do not accept Jesus as your savior and God you are going to HELLLLA

Oh and by the way I am a Gun loving Cristian. I just love my guns I polish them every every night before I pray to Jesus that he will protect me from those bad moslims.

I support gay marriage especially if their bloodwork shows that they both have aids.


And bike lanes should be outlawed 'cause they kill people.

What do you think, is it o.k. to run red lights as long as you know that the cars will slow down to avoid hitting you?

what's a fixed gear bike?

can i make my DH racer a fixey?

beer sucks. only dumb lower class people drink it.

i think guys should look at guys more. it makes more sense. unless they are homophobic wussies they will start looking at each other and commenting on wang shape and size while in the locker room.

light weight riders are faster.

My bike is faster then your bike!

I was out riding and wanted to turn left but wasn't sure if it was legal to do that on a bicycle, does anyone know what the law in Gondwanaland is? Even if it is legal to turn left on my bicycle, It was really hard to decide where to position my bike on the road with regard to the cars and busses and lane markers and pedestrians and trees and manhole covers - it's all so complicated - so I just waited on the curb until the light turned red and then rode diagonally through the intersection against the light and the traffic as fast as I could pedal, that just seemed like the safest way, especially since I didn't go until I checked my mirror and then looked both over and under my arm also just in case there was a car in the blind spot that I missed. I've only got one question - which gear do you think I should have been in to make this maneuver? I picked 17th gear but I'm just not sure it was the right choice.

How can I make my bike and myself lighter for the next club century? I would like to finish it in under an hour.
I removed every other spoke on my wheels and drilled 1/4" holes in my frame, seat and crankarms (my helmet too!). I also took off the brake calipers (Brakes are for wimps!)
To save more weight I won't eat anything before the ride or carry water, food, spare tube or pump (I can always bum off some one else)
To save even more weight I shaved my legs,chest,head and eyebrows. Also I won't be wearing a shirt or sun screen.
Any other ideas?

When I read this quote I felt like asking should the question be, "What size shorts do I buy?" Cause you know what they say about men with big feet. :eek:

What are you trying to say?? I have big feet...

Do they make helmets specifically for Tandems? How much do they cost?

How can I make my bike and myself lighter for the next club century? I would like to finish it in under an hour.
I removed every other spoke on my wheels and drilled 1/4" holes in my frame, seat and crankarms (my helmet too!). I also took off the brake calipers (Brakes are for wimps!)
To save more weight I won't eat anything before the ride or carry water, food, spare tube or pump (I can always bum off some one else)
To save even more weight I shaved my legs,chest,head and eyebrows. Also I won't be wearing a shirt or sun screen.
Any other ideas?

Pull the chamois out of your shorts, on a one hour ride you won't need it and the riders behind you will have a greater tendency to stay as far behind you as possible to avoid the view.
Oh and you want to sand off the top millimeter of rubber on your tires to reduce rotational weight.
Don't forget to saw off any unused portions of your handlebar.
And since you aren't using brakes anyway, get a nice light set of 20" rims.
You might want to reconsider the jersey thing though. Roadies just love it when you show up to a ride with a yellow jersey, it makes you faster (that is why Lance keeps winning the tour de France, because he wears the Yellow Jersey more... Shhhh don't tell the French or Jan).

Hold on! That's not fair, you just copied this from a post from about a month ago. :D


It was just so perfect the way it was. Only the names were changed to protect the innocent(?). I only wish I had the video (Sniffle).

Hi, I ride my bike every day and wave at every one I see but only mtb and recumbent riders wave back to me. Road riders are so stuck up! Can you imagine how hard it is on my self-esteem when other riders refuse to acknowledge my friendly wave!?!

I'm wondering if anyone can tell me what the brightest light for my bike is? I'm thinking of either duct taping one of those police mag lites that uses eight D-cell batteries to my handlebars or mounting a car battery on my rack and using an automotive halogen headlight. Which do you think would be the better choice?

why do all these butt lubes sound like they belong in porn? i mean.. ya got butt buttr and ass paste and booty luby and easy glide.... sounds like something youd need to use for something... not so pleasant....

i like ridin nekkid. everyone should ride nekkid. i'm so gawd damn horny... blah blah blah

i love bush. i want to be in that gay society with him. he's so smart. i want to have his kimadids..... ... kids. blah blah blah.

Hmmm all you spandex wearing girlie men need to ride Motocross bikes on National Park Service land and take pictures of the area you ripped up so you can get those damn mountain bikers out of your hair.
Now excuse me while I wash my Escalade with the lambskin interior and the 26" spinner rims that I and I alone like to drive around in chasing you silly fairy road toads out of those damn "bike lanes" that ruined parking spots for those of us that PAID for the road through our gas taxes.
All you damn Lancie wannabes make me wanna PUKE you're not real athletes! Real athletes have have balls. Your best athlete only has one! I tell you what next roadie I see while I'm out walking my pit bull I'm just going to drop the leash and see what happens, my God have mercy on your soul if you even try to fight back against my poor dog 'cause I'll bust a cap in you fairy ass.



How troll can you go?

http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?p=590694#post590694

Hi, my scrotum hops when riding at high cadences....should I make some sort of rigging device to hang them with while riding.....also what is the best mounting point for such a device?

Also I seem to have issues with ahem....farting while riding, what are some saddles with good "butt vents"....rectal ventilation is of an utmost concern here, and it is imperative that I can fart without rocketing myself whole inches above the seat.

Oh, and yes....riding clothes....would a toga be considered proper ridinag apparal, and if so, is cloth, leather, or fur the better material?

Finally....I need a helmet....but I don't like the styling, will a hard hat work? I also have an inflatble zebra hat from my childhood...it looks like it's cushy, would that be a suitable replacement?

Regards,

cata-poo

My neighbor's husband was a relative of some guy named Eddy Merkx who used to race in some big race somewhere in Europe. Anyhow, when her husband died she gave me an old orange bike that was given to her husband by this Merkx character. I know that bikes made outside the good old USA are all junk, and this junker was too dang big for me anyhow, so I hacksawed off the top tube. Now I can stand over the bike and ride it safely.

My question is...where can I buy some solid rubber tires that won't go flat and will fit this old POS?

I'm saving my money so I can get a good American bike like a Huffy.

i'm a fixie forumer. look at me whine and ***** whenever something is asked.

Hi, my name is Merton.

Hi, my name is Merton.


haha, I kill myself. And, I WIN! ;)

j/k Merton... :p

actually many of the people in the fixey section would be first (they do seem to be a sad buch... they're just odd, there's something about them that just says they're trying to act cool and put people down when they aren't anything but nerds. a study needs to be done on this forum to see who does put people down the most in all forums).

a. troll would be in second.

oh.. and


i'm a dumbass that rides around with a helmet that attracts magpie attacks so that i can whine about it. i have a house on a lake but i can't be bothered with the horrible expense of buying a new helmet....




(that one... man.>:])


und...

ooohh.. aaaahhh.. the scary car person tried to ask me directions.. ahhh.

I'm newly single with three kids and can't find anyone of the opposite gender to ride with in my area that might show me a good time. Anyone know where I can hook up?

Oh yeah, people of the opposite gender suck, too.

[off topic]
Merton, what DO you ride? :)
[/off topic]