Jokes & Humor - 50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

The scary part is, I remember seeing people actually do some of these things when I was at university...

1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm."

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

Thats sweet, most people can't even use a duodecimal system. (anymore, it used to be quite common)
Hendecimal would be brutal.

whats duodecimal, is that binary like:
1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, 1001, 1010
this is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 for all those uninitiated people

First numerals are the symbols that represent numbers, for example the numberof fingers on your hand is constant but the numerals that represent that number could be any of, but not limited to, the following- 5, 101(binary), V(Roman), |||||(simple unary), Five(English)

Decimal is base 10, positional numeral system, it uses ten symbles 0,...,9 hence the dec/deca prefix. We all know how decimal works, in regard to the singles place/position(1, 2, 3...) tens place/position(10, 20, 30..) hundreds place/position (100, 200, 300) and so on. It came about because we have ten fingers.

Now it gets a little hard to explain because we don't have a lot in the way of words for the other lesser used numeral systems and using decimal terms can be clumsy and often enough a bit confusing.
First here is a list of the most standard systems, then I will explain two.


Binary is a base 2(computers us it because switches are on or off),
Hexadecimal is base 16(easily converted to and from binary, used mostly as shorthand for binary),
Octal is base 8(same as base 16 but not used as much, Yuki Pomo of Northern California used it because they used the spaces between fingers),
Duodecimal is base 12(easier to multiply and divide than decimal and just as easy to add. An old system it's still intwined in our daily happenings, though it is converted to a decimal format. Hours in the day, feet, dozens/gross(of bottle rockets:)), former pounds/schillings/pence. It is used in nepal like we use decimal, and the reason you get all the way to twelve before the teens start(twenties start at twenty))
Unary is base one, a tally, a mark for each, no zeros. some times the marks are grouped together in fives, tens, fiftys etc like in the Roman system but it is still a tally.
vigesimal, Base 20 probably comes from twenty fingers and toes but was used in france, denmark, wales, and probably by the Maya as well. It was also used by the old british currency with 20 shillings to the pound and the US as a 'score' like "four score and seven years ago"(87 years)
Sexagesimal is base 60 and was used by the ancient sumarians babalonians and so on. It is still used for degrees of a circle, minutes and seconds and for time, also minutes and seconds


I pick octal and duodecimal because one is below ten and one is above and they are close to the size we are used to. only pronounce symbols individually to keep from confusing thing for example 23 is not twentythree but two three, or in the case of the decimal system two tens and three ones.

for octal I chosse to use the symbols 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7. In the ones place they are just like decimal numbers 3 is three, 7 is seven but when you get to eight you've run out of symbols so add one to the left this we will call the eights position and each one is worth eight so eight looks like 10, nine looks like 11, fifteen looks like 17, then we are out of symbols again so 20 is sixteen or two eights and zero ones. Get it? It looks confusing because your used to seeing those symbols used in a decimal system and our words are designed to work best with decimal numerals.

For duodecimal it works just the same but we need twelve symbols so 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,a,b are my choice. If we were to use this system an a large scale it would be best to replace the symbols a and b with new symbols so as to avoid confusing them with letters but this will do for now.
9 is nine, a is ten, and b is eleven, do not call them A and B, call them ten and eleven. we get to eleven but then we've run out of symbols so add one to the left, 10 would be twelve, and 11 is thirteen, 1a would be twentytwo or one twelve and ten ones, 1b is twentythree, and 20 is twentyfour or two twelves and zero ones.

Bonus round:If you go into your computers registry you may see something like this F3B6, this is hexadecimal and its used to shorten this 1111001110110110 which is sixteen bit/diget binary
The convertion is quite simple F(fifteen)-1111, 3-0011, B(eleven)-1011, 6-0110
Binary works the same as the rest, it just runs out of symbols really quickly because is only has 0 and 1. One is 1, two is 10, three is 11 AKA one two and one one, four is 100, six is 110 AKA one four, one two, and zero ones. four diget binary has 16 combos hence its easy convertions with hexadecimal (sixteen
symbols)
Hexadecimal works the same as decimal, octal, and doudecimal but it has symbols from zero to fifteen.

:D :D :D


P.S. I'm really tired so I will double check for accuracy tomarrow.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
My linear algebra prof would occassionally stop in the middle of an example and say "Where was I? I think just had a stroke."

Jeezus christ I really need to learnt hat sutff. Hope I make it to tops (best high school program in canada and specializes in science and math).

First numerals are the symbols that represent numbers, for example the numberof fingers on your hand is constant but the numerals that represent that number could be any of, but not limited to, the following- 5, 101(binary), V(Roman), |||||(simple unary), Five(English)

Decimal is base 10, positional numeral system, it uses ten symbles 0,...,9 hence the dec/deca prefix. We all know how decimal works, in regard to the singles place/position(1, 2, 3...) tens place/position(10, 20, 30..) hundreds place/position (100, 200, 300) and so on. It came about because we have ten fingers.

Now it gets a little hard to explain because we don't have a lot in the way of words for the other lesser used numeral systems and using decimal terms can be clumsy and often enough a bit confusing.
First here is a list of the most standard systems, then I will explain two.


Binary is a base 2(computers us it because switches are on or off),
Hexadecimal is base 16(easily converted to and from binary, used mostly as shorthand for binary),
Octal is base 8(same as base 16 but not used as much, Yuki Pomo of Northern California used it because they used the spaces between fingers),
Duodecimal is base 12(easier to multiply and divide than decimal and just as easy to add. An old system it's still intwined in our daily happenings, though it is converted to a decimal format. Hours in the day, feet, dozens/gross(of bottle rockets:)), former pounds/schillings/pence. It is used in nepal like we use decimal, and the reason you get all the way to twelve before the teens start(twenties start at twenty))
Unary is base one, a tally, a mark for each, no zeros. some times the marks are grouped together in fives, tens, fiftys etc like in the Roman system but it is still a tally.
vigesimal, Base 20 probably comes from twenty fingers and toes but was used in france, denmark, wales, and probably by the Maya as well. It was also used by the old british currency with 20 shillings to the pound and the US as a 'score' like "four score and seven years ago"(87 years)
Sexagesimal is base 60 and was used by the ancient sumarians babalonians and so on. It is still used for degrees of a circle, minutes and seconds and for time, also minutes and seconds


I pick octal and duodecimal because one is below ten and one is above and they are close to the size we are used to. only pronounce symbols individually to keep from confusing thing for example 23 is not twentythree but two three, or in the case of the decimal system two tens and three ones.

for octal I chosse to use the symbols 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7. In the ones place they are just like decimal numbers 3 is three, 7 is seven but when you get to eight you've run out of symbols so add one to the left this we will call the eights position and each one is worth eight so eight looks like 10, nine looks like 11, fifteen looks like 17, then we are out of symbols again so 20 is sixteen or two eights and zero ones. Get it? It looks confusing because your used to seeing those symbols used in a decimal system and our words are designed to work best with decimal numerals.

For duodecimal it works just the same but we need twelve symbols so 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,a,b are my choice. If we were to use this system an a large scale it would be best to replace the symbols a and b with new symbols so as to avoid confusing them with letters but this will do for now.
9 is nine, a is ten, and b is eleven, do not call them A and B, call them ten and eleven. we get to eleven but then we've run out of symbols so add one to the left, 10 would be twelve, and 11 is thirteen, 1a would be twentytwo or one twelve and ten ones, 1b is twentythree, and 20 is twentyfour or two twelves and zero ones.

Bonus round:If you go into your computers registry you may see something like this F3B6, this is hexadecimal and its used to shorten this 1111001110110110 which is sixteen bit/diget binary
The convertion is quite simple F(fifteen)-1111, 3-0011, B(eleven)-1011, 6-0110
Binary works the same as the rest, it just runs out of symbols really quickly because is only has 0 and 1. One is 1, two is 10, three is 11 AKA one two and one one, four is 100, six is 110 AKA one four, one two, and zero ones. four diget binary has 16 combos hence its easy convertions with hexadecimal (sixteen
symbols)
Hexadecimal works the same as decimal, octal, and doudecimal but it has symbols from zero to fifteen.

:D :D :D


P.S. I'm really tired so I will double check for accuracy tomarrow.

Why didn't that make me laugh? I thought this was the joke forum?

Scary thing is I can look at a hex color code (FD12FD for ex) and have a pretty good idea what color it will be... I like hex because you have 256 numbers per 2 slots for number/letter...

Yeah.

Hex colors are easy...it's just RGB. I've never tried Hex multiplications though, and certainly not base 11. :D

Holy grap dude, im so confused.I dont even hope to understand what the heck you just said, and I consider myself very good at math.I think Ill stick to bikes...

Gravityhatesme

@_@

I"m glad Capscum explained it...I could've told us about octal, hexidecimal, binary, but not the others...or the historys...I'm just a programmer's daughter.


And my explaantion wouldn't be as simple to understand either.


But I had to learn binary for Physics once, my professor didn't understand how it worked at all and I spent all lecture correcting him.