Fifty Plus (50+) - Afraid of losing my father.

I'm not over 50, i just thought this would be the most mature subforum to post this in. I saw the thread about Digital Gee losing his father, and I didn't want to derail that topic.

I'm about to turn 21 and losing my dad is the monster that keeps me up at night. Both of my grandfathers died last February, and all I could think about was how I was going to have to bury my dad one of these days. I had to miss school for 2 days when my dog died during my senior year of high school. I had that dog since I was 2, and I had to miss school. Just the thought of losing my dad sends me into fits of uncontrollable crying. How do you deal with this? My dad did and has done so much for me, and I have no idea what i'm going to do when he isn't here. I don't think any of my friends have even considered this, so I am afraid to talk to them about it. Is this a normal fear for a 20 year old? My dad is 56 and smoked for about 35 years, is overweight but not obese, eats a lot of things that are not good for him, etc.

Thanks in advance.
Mods; please do not move to Foo. Just delete it if you must.

Personally, I think it is normal to have fears about losing those you love. I can work myself into the same type of lather if I allow myself to think about losing one of my children. I think it is one of those things you just have to kind of push out of your mind and instead, enjoy and appreciate them while they are here.

I think it is pretty normal to wonder about what it will be like losing family members or friends. There's really nothing you can do to prevent it, though.

Are you close to your dad? You might talk to him about how he felt losing his own father. Maybe share some of your fears with him.

This is going to sound like I'm blowing you off, but I'm not. You need to talk to someone about this, a school councilor, clergy, family doctor, somebody will listen and help you get through this. Then you need to realize that death and loss are a part of life, you can't change that. Every body goes through it, I am dealing with a death in the family right now, it sucks, but there is nothing you can do about it, except keep on living.
I know it's not much, but please seek help.

To me, a reality is, I may be the next to check out myself. Not that I have any reason to believe that to be the case. In fact at the age of 63, I'm doing everything I can to further my career at least another 15 to 20 years. But I also realize we're all just passing through. None of us is getting out of here alive, and we are all another day older each passing day. So, while I'm peddling my wonderful escape machine (my bike), trying my best to be as healthy as possible, to live as healthy as possible for as long as possible - things happen.

Instead of worrying about what if might be like if a loved one died suddenly, maybe we can best serve them by staying alive and healthy as long as possible, ourselves.

Peddle on... :)

I am 68 y/o.
Lost my Dad when I was 15 y/o, to a sudden heart attack.

You just have to Cry your way through the pain of the loss.
You will come out ok on the other side.

Darth_Firebolt, I have a wife and a daughter who both suffer from serious auto-immune diseases and I have often been ovewhelmed by similiar feelings and fear. I have a sense of what you may be feeling. You see, you are not alone and your fears aren't necessarily age related.

That being said, I think you need to discuss your fears with a profesional. If you don't, there's a real chance that you may end up losing out on spending joyous times with your Dad due to being too depressed to enjoy those special times because of being so consumed by your fear of losing him.

It's not easy, but you can be learn to control the fear and enjoy and embrace the present.

Oh, have you shared your feelings with your Dad yet? He may be a great help to you.

The reality is that most of us will live long enough to see our parents die. The only question is when. My parents are 85 and 78, so I know I don't have too much time to share with them.
However, rather than dwelling on the inevitable, I cherish every moment spent with them and be thankful. There will be lots of time to mourn after they pass. You may have many years of your dad's company to look forward to. Don't waste them.

I agree that you need to share your thoughts with someone who is a professional who knows how to help you with your fears and your anxiety.

I almost lost both of my sons at different times. I was in the ICU when the heart monitor flat-lined, and I watched as they scurried to get my oldest son's heart going again. I was told my other son would not survive after 24 hours of seizures, and his "eye grounds" were in grave condition. I still worry daily about my sons, as the oldest one is paralyzed from the shoulders down, and the other continues to have seizures. However, they are both living fulfilled and happy lives.

It is difficult to get through and live with things such as this. Sometimes talking with others qualified to help you has a most profound effect in making it through your own life. My wife, in particular, sees someone periodically for assistance.

I am 71. My dad died at 60 from brain cancer, but my mom lived to 96. You do get through it.

Also, please talk with your dad, share your fears and health concerns. His life would be greatly improved with good nutrition and exercise.

Print out and show him this thread. He will be greatly moved.

Good luck!

The loss of a parent is a natural concern, but it sounds like you are obsessed with it. Why borrow trouble? There will be a day when you will lose your father. But it's not now. And when the time comes you will be strong enough to get through it. Yes, you will mourn, but your life will go on.

I lost my father 11 years ago. We had been estranged for a decade, and reconciled a month before he died. In the years that have passed I've come to realize just how much of me was shaped by my father. No, I'm not him. I'm different in many ways, but occasionally when I do something, or look in the mirror at times, I think of him, and think of him kindly. You will find yourself thinking of your dad after he's gone. But he's never fully gone; he's always part of you.

I hope what I wrote helps you. PM me if you want to talk privately.

Wow.

I ponder about my own children and grandchildren.

I reflect on "Great is thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see".

Having some kind of "Faith" is a great help when it comes to issues of passing and the after life.

Losing a parent is awful. I mean they are the two people that have been in your life since the day you were born. Two people who you may have not always agreed with but as you got older realized that all their decisions, all there suggestions, everything they did was based on love. And if you had a normal relationship their love required nothing in return from you.
Then suddenly they are gone. The pain will be awful, but you will go on. Time does help no matter what anyone may say. Plus they will always be in your memories. Just try to remember that your parents would not want you to be sad. They didn't raise you for that. They understand the pain you are feeling but would want you to move on with your life. Hold on to the memories and enjoy the times you still have with your parents.

Good to see you cycling at your age. Stay with it as long as you have that burning desire--and then come back to cycling when the time is right if you ever leave it. Many of us have followed that route.

The main thing about losing a loved one is being able to say "no regrets". Tell him you love him-again and again. Give him hugs. Talk to him, talk to him and talk to him. He loves you more than he can probably ever tell you but he's proud to call you "his".

Death is part of life. Both of my parents have been gone for awhile now.

However, you cannot spend time worrying about death, as it interfears with living........

It will come to all of us, soon enough, without spending any time worrying about it.....

Enjoy the life you have, and live it to the fullest.

The only death thought I have, is hoping my grandchildren will remember me kindly, and fondly.

I did not have the best relationship with my father but when he died in 1994 I was filled with regret and guilt. There are so many things I wish we could have done and said, but it's too late.
I would echo what some others have said, say what you want to say to him and spend time with him when you can. Not much more you can do.

Take him riding with you :)

Well, its going to happen one day. But don't worry, it's a bridge that you cross when you come to it.

The only thing you can do is enjoy him while he's alive. He could have a lot of good years still left in him. So I think you are over-thinking this one. As one person has suggested, some counseling may help you get a better perspective. As another one has suggested, go riding with your Dad. Both are great ideas.

FWIW, I had similar thoughts when I was about your age, when I started to become aware of mortality and realized an exception wouldn't be made for me. It's a normal worry (which doesn't help the way you feel right now, but at least you're not crazy). The worries turned out to be unfounded--my dad lived another 35 years, until he was 83 (and I was 58). By that time my perspective had changed, I had matured and I was able to deal with it.
Counseling may be helpful, but it's not easy for a young person to pay for, most family docs don't have the time (or expertise) to provide it and i'm not sure it's necessary. Unless the worries become disabling, you're probably just experiencing something all of us go through.
As another post said, death IS a part of life. We're all headed there. To fend it off as long as possible, you might encourage your dad to adopt better habits and a better diet, and get regular checkups. In the end, though, even that's out of your hands. He already knows what he should be doing.

Its a good first step to reach out to folks, even if it is on a cycling forum. And and even better second step is to talk with someone trained in dealing with fear, anxiety, etc. My experience is that life is easier when you get the right people to help with the struggles that present themselves. You've got some pretty good awareness of what's going on with you. Take that to a professional and start work on dealing with this fear/anxiety.

You're not alone. Take comfort from the words of Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

L.

I agree with all the previous advice about having someone to talk to over this; and will add my sympathies- I've been there, the thought of losing my parents was so painful I couldn't bear to think about it. You're very fortunate to have such a good relationship with your father, many people never had that.

Losing parents brings a time of terrible sorrow, but comes with a bittersweet gift in which most people discover reservoirs of strength within themselves that allow them to deal with things that they never thought they could face. And as was said earlier, your parents will always be part of who you are- savor the good, try to forgive the bad- and that can never be taken away from you.

4 years ago, my brotherinlaw died suddenly in his sleep leaving a wife and 3 teenage children. I think everyday about those kids losing their dad so suddenly. It has not been easy for them particular since Dad was a really good man and very much a part of their lives.

That said... it is strange for someone as young as you to be so worried and to actually be so emotional about this. I strongly suggest you get counseling. If nothing else to help overcome your fear. What is it that you fear will happen to you if he dies? The best thing you can do for your father and for yourself is to make sure you can be responsible for yourself and that you can handle life headon. Every father wants to know he's raise a "man"... your fears keep you a small boy. Is that what you want? Also if something were to happen to your father, would you be able to cope? It doesn't sound like it. Find a good counselor. You still need to deal with the death of your grandfathers and you need to deal with your dependancy on Dad. Until you get pass this fear, you won't be able to "grow" up...

If you can't afford a counselor there are many free clinics out there that provide services and if you are in school, check with their health services offices.

If you can't afford a counselor there are many free clinics out there that provide services and if you are in school, check with their health services offices.

Or, if you are affiliated with a church,(or even if you're not) it's what pastors do.

I too advise to contact a counselor to help you deal with your previous losses. I am doing that right now after my losses this year.

Spend time with your dad NOW. Clean his gutters, mow the lawn, etc.

I am riding across Florida on Sunday...In Honor of my sister Sheila and mother-in-law Rose. Ride with me if you want. I have a thread on this forum and the Southeast forum. Post your miles and let go of the demons.

Best to all
Bob

I'm not over 50, i just thought this would be the most mature subforum to post this in. I saw the thread about Digital Gee losing his father, and I didn't want to derail that topic.

I'm about to turn 21 and losing my dad is the monster that keeps me up at night. Both of my grandfathers died last February, and all I could think about was how I was going to have to bury my dad one of these days. I had to miss school for 2 days when my dog died during my senior year of high school. I had that dog since I was 2, and I had to miss school. Just the thought of losing my dad sends me into fits of uncontrollable crying. How do you deal with this? My dad did and has done so much for me, and I have no idea what i'm going to do when he isn't here. I don't think any of my friends have even considered this, so I am afraid to talk to them about it. Is this a normal fear for a 20 year old? My dad is 56 and smoked for about 35 years, is overweight but not obese, eats a lot of things that are not good for him, etc.

Thanks in advance.
Mods; please do not move to Foo. Just delete it if you must.

Dear Darth Firebolt,
It is perfectly normal for you to worry about your father's health at this time. Smoking for 35 years, and a poor diet hasn't done him any good. And since you experienced the recent deaths of your grandfathers, it is only natural for you to project your father into that situation too.

When I was in my 20's, I feared for my father's life too: I even dreamt that he died. He was extremely overweight, and had diabetes. I was able to talk to my mother about it. Freakily, he died 1 month after my dream, at 50 years old. I wish he would've changed his habits, and taken care of himself better. His death was very difficult for my mom and all four of us "kids". I miss him dearly to this day, 25 years later.

I suggest that you make an opportunity to talk to you father, and let him know how you feel. Let out some of what's on your mind, and in your heart. Maybe you can open him up to thinking about a lifestyle change. Let him know that you'll be there to support him in any way. 56 is so young! He can still reverse so much of the damage if he tries. Perhaps he can set it up as a New Year's resolution. Get his doctor involved. The drug Chantrix to help quit smoking really works! No smoker wants to smoke. It's just soooo hard to quit!! It would be the greatest thing he could do for himself. And eat right and exercise. Then yeah, like xizangstan said: go riding together, so he remembers what its like to be 20 again!

One thing to remember though DF: You cannot feel bad or guilty about your father's behaviors; he makes his own choices. Love him, and enjoy him all you can.

My very best wishes to you . . and to your father!

Wow - all I can say is that your father is one lucky guy to have a child who cares so much, at your age my daughter would have been happy if I keeled over (not really - she just acted that way). Talk to him, hug him, do as much as you can with him and enjoy every moment together you can.

Now with that said - if after speaking with him, these feelings continue seek professional help (not internet help). You need to be able to be happy and healthy on your own - you are your own person.

I lost my father 20 years ago and I still think of him most every day. Talk to your Dad about how you feel. Talk to your Mom as well. She may be able to help you more than you can know. Both of these people love you more than life, use that love to help you. This may be just how I feel about my kids but I think that you will be surprised about the help that a family can give. I agree that you should go for a ride with your Dad even if it is to the corner and back. Just be with him.

Death is inevitable for all of us.
Don't worry, enjoy what/who you have.
Give dad a call right now . . .

As some one has already posted please talk to someone about your thoughts. My father and mother both passed away several years ago. I did not lose them because I still think of them everyday of my life. I had a brother die in a car accident. Again I did not lose him because I think of him always also and I still stay in touch with his wife and kids. So yes you will BE upset when they give up this life but you will not lose them. your father is in everyting you say and do. I am jUst glaD they stayed on this earth for as long as they did and I Had a chance to get answerS from them all but I still ask for help from them when times are tough. Sometimes I even think they answer when certian things happen. Keep looking forward and make the best of the time you have.

Thank you so much for all of the responses. I have been buried by a chemistry test, a calculus test, an intro to engineering project, and a school play, so I haven't been able to sit down and type up a thought out response.

My dad smoked for 35 years, he has been cigarette free for the last... 2? 3? years. He has two bicycles, a Specialized Globe 21 speed and an Electra Townie 21D. He also has several kayaks, a wooden rowboat he built, and a canoe. He usually rides his bike about 30 minutes a day, but when I ride with him we never get winded or really get our hearts pumping. I used to get frustrated with him because we always went so slow, but over this last summer I realized he was going so slow because we finally had a recreational activity we could do together. From what he has told me and from what I have observed from pictures, his brothers and sisters telling stories, family friends, etc. he and his father didn't really do much together except work on the farm. Since I am away for college, I don't know if he is still riding his bikes.

About a year before my dad's dad (my grandpa) died, grandpa had his second quadruple bypass surgery. Grandpa was never overweight, never would have wasted his money on cigarettes, and worked every day of his life until he was 80. He had his first bypass around 65, and his second one at 88. After grandpa had his second bypass, my dad started eating much smaller portions at mealtime. He stopped eating cookies, cakes, etc. At his heaviest, dad was somewhere around 290 with a 38" waist. right now he's around 240 with a 34" waist. He still loves his pork and steaks, and i'm fairly certain he has one or the other every day for lunch. He also loves fried foods. He fishes out of his kayaks, and he has deep fried fish and potatoes of some kind probably 4 times a week.

I'm afraid it will take something like open heart surgery for him to realize he has to treat his body better than he is now. I plan on talking to him this Sunday.

Your dad already has realized that he needs to treat his body better, and he has taken a few really big steps towards better health. Quitting smoking is HUGE! Good for him! :thumb: And to loose weight (50 lbs!!) instead of gaining after quitting is very difficult too! Again, good job dad! :thumb:

My guess is, based on your grandfather's bypass history, he's on a cholesterol lowering drug, yes? That will help, even if he doesn't eat right.

There's really only two things: increase exercise and decrease red meat and fried food. Even if he changed two portions a week. Then in a month, another change. For him, paddling/rowing his boats could be a cardio workout too. Start slow, and work up.

Does he like gadgets? Perhaps you and/or family members could get him a heartrate monitor for the holidays. I don't have one but I would even like one, to chart/monitor my progress. Keeps you accountable to your goals.

For me, encouragement is key!! Remember to recognize his accomplishments thus far. I know you're the kid, and it may seem weird, but he could use a pat on the back now and again too! It means the world to me when my kids compliment me . . and its an inspiration to keep pedaling!

One thing for certain is, you have an awful lot of good going for you DF. Intelligent, sensitive, compassionate, funny, healthy and talented. A real winner! Enjoy your very full life!

Grandpa lived until 88!!

Dad has quit smoking and lost weight and may be doing some exercise!!

I'd say two or three major steps have already been taken, and there is a longevity gene there.

Even 30 minutes is a heck of a lot better than 0 minutes.

Maybe a push from you will get him to the next steps - real CV exercise and better eating habits.

Your dad is lucky to have someone like you who cares so much. Talk to him and see what happens.

My dad sounds kinda like your dad. He was raised farming and smoked for 40 years. He was a hard working kinda stern man. but I knew he really cared about all of us. (4 boys) He stopped smoking at age 66 when my oldest daughter, then 4 yo, simply blurted out, GRAMPA-DON'T SMOKE! He stopped that day. He is now 90.

The effects of smoking have left his lungs shot even though he has been smoke free all these years. He also has dementia because his lungs con't get him enough oxygen. He is till my dad. He still has his values and love. You just need to hug and talk and express your love for him while he is around you and encourage him to be part of your life for as long as possible.

Our family does "NOW" share a strong uniting faith. that can be helpful.

My mom died early this morning.

She lived to be 89, and I know that if she had ridden a bike, probably could have made it another 10 years, and those would have been healthy years at that.

We all only have just so many years given to us. It's up to us to do the best we can with them.

My mom died early this morning.

She lived to be 89, and I know that if she had ridden a bike, probably could have made it another 10 years, and those would have been healthy years at that.

We all only have just so many years given to us. It's up to us to do the best we can with them.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Thanks, Dan. We appreciate that. Ride on!

My mom died early this morning.

She lived to be 89, and I know that if she had ridden a bike, probably could have made it another 10 years, and those would have been healthy years at that.

We all only have just so many years given to us. It's up to us to do the best we can with them.

Very sorry for your loss.

My mom died early this morning.

She lived to be 89, and I know that if she had ridden a bike, probably could have made it another 10 years, and those would have been healthy years at that.

We all only have just so many years given to us. It's up to us to do the best we can with them.

My condolences for your loss.

Darth

Firstly, welcome to the 50+ forum. Although I am now over 50, i came here before I was 50 because some of the issues that I was interested in are best discussed with a more mature group. IMHO 50+ is an attitude, not a chronological issue.

Second, I understand where you are coming from. My father is not in great health, is overweight, and could be doing more to help himself out, but if he were doing that, he wouldn't be my dad. Love your father for who he is, spend time with him while you can, not trying to change him, but enjoying those parts of him that make you fear losing him. Once he is gone, and God willing, he will go before you, keep him alive by reliving those times that you have spent with him.

I don't know if you, like me have geographic challenges (my dad lives 2000 miles away), but just try to make sure that your dad knows that you love him.

That being said, I think you need to discuss your fears with a profesional. If you don't, there's a real chance that you may end up losing out on spending joyous times with your Dad due to being too depressed to enjoy those special times because of being so consumed by your fear of losing him.
+1

Spend time with your dad and make some memories now when you can, sooner or later there will be a time when that isn't possible. Also, buy him a bike and steal his cigarettes.

xizangstan

My condolences to you and your family.

Best regards
Bob

Thanks for your condolences, folks. But my purpose for writing about my mom was really an observation, that we are all just passing through. Each and every one of us is going to die. There is no question about that. The only questions are when and how.

What I meant was that my mom had a good measure of life. But I keep thinking that if we take really good care of ourselves, we can live better and perhaps even longer. And to us folks here, that probably means a reasonable amount of bicycle riding the rest of our lives.

While my mom couldn't live forever, maybe she might have lived a little longer and a little better if she had been into bike riding like my brother and me. Good health (mental and physical) sounds almost like a religion, doesn't it? :)

My dad died this last July. I do miss him, but I focus on all the knowledge and skills he gave me. I'm 56 and he was 78. I do not feel cheated by his death. I know life = death and know that my dad had his fair share of life. I know he is with me every day and that is evidenced by the values and teachings he instilled in me.

To the OP, I'd say you have some separation issues and you my want to talk to your doctor about that. Also remember, someday your dad will be gone. That's life. You can't be with him when he's gone. Do it now.

I have passed over this thread for several weeks now but I am glad I finally read it. I have always shied away from sharing any grief or worry with strangers, but now I think there is a place for that. There is a lot of kindness and wisdom here.