Touring - How to Justify a Long Tour to Your Spouse/Companion/Partner?

I'm lucky in that my companion enjoys cycling and touring, but two weeks is about her limit as she works. I on the other hand have retired and assumed many of the domestic chores from cooking and cleaning to walking the pooch daily. My dream, since I was laid off in 2007, is to attempt a 4-6 month tour of Europe, but am afraid I would feel real guilty knowing I've essentially abandoned her for that period. She plans to work for another 5 years or so, and even if she were to retire now (which would only happen if the company laid her off) it doesn't appear she would enjoy a tour anywhere near that length.

So I am wondering how other solo tourists that are in a committed relationship and whose partner is not able to join them on extended tours have resolved the issues. Thanks for your comments.

I don't have any experience. But I would imagine, just say it like you said it here. It's something you've always wanted to do. And it would make your really happy to follow through on your dream. Also, if there is something that she wants to do now or later that requires a bit of sacrifice on your part, you must oblige cheerily.

Good question. I'm going to be away 3 1/2 weeks this summer on my tour from Amsterdam to Rome. I know that doesn't sound like a long time by the standards and experiences of many around here, but it's absolutely pushing it for me to be gone that long from my wife and son. She much preferred that I be gone only a week or two, but I told her this is something I have been wanting to do for years and that I just need to go ahead and do it. I tried to get her to meet me with my son during the Italy portion - it wouldn't be ideal and she would have to move hotels each night, but that's a pretty common way to travel in Europe, so I thought she might go for it. She's not big into traveling, especially not like that, so she decided to do something else this summer with her parents while I'm gone. This took quite a bit of negotiating, but ultimately she's doing what she can so I can do my trip, and I thank her for that. All that being said, the hardest thing for me on the trip will be being away from my son for so long. At least he'll be fishing with his grandpa (which he loves to do) most of the time, so I'm thankful for that as well.

Any future trips I take will have to be either shorter or in a way where I can figure out a way to incorporate part of it with the family. When my son gets a bit older, I hope to start doing some mountain biking camping trips with him.

I guess I am lucky, but it has never been an issue with my wife.

Besides the points mentioned above, sometimes their biggest fear is knowing that you'll be doing this alone in a foreign country. It's a little more comforting if s/he knows you are doing with at least another person (preferably a good friend or someone s/he knows well) or is some kind of organized tour to calm thefears. They (family members) just want to have somewhat of a peace of mind that you're going to be safe in your journey.

I, too, am retired and my wife works and doesn't bike.

What I try to do is to try an incorporate a trip to an interesting place on both ends that we can both do. For example, on my recent Atlantic Coast trip, we visited family in New Jersey, she returned home and I rode off. At the other end, about a month later, I met her in Boston (she flew, I rode) and we spent a week in Burlington Vermont. I did the same thing on an Oregon - Yellowstone tour. On my trip across France, she met me in Avignon at the end of that ride, as well.

I always make the suggestion of a nice place to visit near/at my starting/ending points. Often, she like the idea and we combine the vacation/bike trip together. Sometimes, she can't get the time off or isn't interested, so I got off by myself knowing that I tried to make it work out.

Ray

Like a few others have mentioned, my hubby is very supportive. I think it helps that he knows how important this is to me and when it's something important to him, I don't question it. It's worked so far. Besides, everyone needs a little break time! lol :)

My dream, since I was laid off in 2007, is to attempt a 4-6 month tour of Europe, but am afraid I would feel real guilty knowing I've essentially abandoned her for that period. So I am wondering how other solo tourists that are in a committed relationship and whose partner is not able to join them on extended tours have resolved the issues. Thanks for your comments.

Firstly, how sure are you that you'd really enjoy being gone that long? Have you toured solo for a month? If not, maybe better test the water first. Might discover something about yourself you didn't know.

Solo touring is basically a very selfish way to travel.The only way not to feel guilty is to have your partner's total blessing and continued reassurance. Otherwise, for most, would not be worth it.

If you were touring in the US, you could just do it in stages. That's likely to be too expensive and too big a hassle for Europe.

My wife seems to understand my need for touring. Up to a point, I do so with a clear concious. When my concious starts to nag me, I come home. Try to make up for my solo wanderings with a nice driving vacation for her, or some other way.

Life is a balancing act.

well you could suggest that when she retires that you both should tour Europe, and in the meantime you were going to do a reki of the route just in case there where places that was not worth seeing.

I have been pretty lucky myself. My last 30 day tour was planned around meeting my wife for days 14, 15 and 16. It worked out great. We got to see each other for 3 days in the middle of my tour. She spent the rest of the time getting to meet me and visiting other areas. the planning is a bit more complicated because I had to be in a certain spot on a certain day, but it worked out great.

Good luck

You could wait until she retires and then do the trip but take closer to 1-1.5 years to do it. What I mean is, do the bike portions but also, once you get somewhere, just stay there for a few weeks. That way it doesn't feel like the vacation is all about the biking and she might be more willing to go along. Like others have said, its about compromising. It seems that you indicated she likes riding and possibly touring, just not for that length of time. If she were retired and there were lots of hotels involved between rides maybe it would be OK. It would also give you some time to save up extra money for the trip that you will undoubtedly need for the all the hotels and fancy stuff got her ;)

Although, I have never been in a committed relationship before so I have no clue what I am talking about.

Never had the issue, mine seems to always want me to leave...

I'm lucky in that my companion enjoys cycling and touring, but two weeks is about her limit as she works. I on the other hand have retired.....

Counter argument - she will have to be working and take care of the house, and all the bills and everything else while you out there touring and having a good time. She will be lonely without you. Not very fair at all on her part. Marriage is about compromise.

For me the best solution is to simply live alone, which also enriches your life in other ways. But if you *are* going to be married, your best answer is to be honest and up front about things like this before you buy the ring, and make sure you only get involved with someone who shares and/or understands your passions -- whatever they are.

I, too, am retired and my wife works and doesn't bike.

I always make the suggestion of a nice place to visit near/at my starting/ending points. Often, she like the idea and we combine the vacation/bike trip together. Sometimes, she can't get the time off or isn't interested, so I got off by myself knowing that I tried to make it work out.

Ray

I appreciate all the comments and suggestions that have been made and like the strategy of periodic meetings. I wonder if meeting at O'Hare airport while dropping me off at the beginning of the trip and once again upon my return would satisfy her? :>) Actually maybe she would join me for the first and last weeks. I'd love to wait until she retires but I'm in my early 60's and who knows how long I'll be able to ride.

My husband is, fortunately, completely behind me on anything cycle related though he has no interest in riding himself. He's never complained about the cost of gear. He's fine with the idea of me being gone for weeks. I've also tried to plan trips with something for us both to do like fishing/cycling. Find a place I want to cycle around that happens to have great fly fishing. I ride and we spend the evening together eating the trout he catches. :) It worked great last August as a test run.

My husband totally supports me in my touring, and i totally support him in his rock climbing.

Of course, when we met, I was riding my bike across the country and he was rock climbing, so there weren't any surprises about this.

I guess if either of us had something we wanted to do for multiple months, that would be more difficult, because it would leave the other with all the pet and house care, but we haven't crossed that bridge yet. The pets and house are more recent acquisitions than the relationship.

Step one: buy a tandem. Step two: do nice day rides around home to interesting places, with a nice lunch. Step three: Go on a nice organized tandem tour in Europe. She falls in love with bike touring there. Step four: Do your own, self-supported tour in Europe for 1-2 weeks. She loves it even more. Step five: She, already knowing of your desire to do a big tour in Europe, suggests that you both do it on the tandem.

Well, it might work. With the exception of step three (we've never done an organized tour), the above turned my largely non-biking wife into a bike tourist that would be happy to do it every summer. But, we usually go to Europe (when we can afford it) as she really likes that type of touring, compared to the typical long-distance touring in the US.

What I try to do is to try an incorporate a trip to an interesting place on both ends that we can both do.
Ray

I think Ray may be on to something. Perhaps either start or end your European tour by vacationing - or even a shorter cycle tour - with your wife. That way she can be included, but only as her vacation and desire allow.

Someone else commented about being sure that you like yourself four months worth before you go to the trouble of preparing for this tour. That's sage advice as well.

Hope this helps!
Brawny

This thread has nothing to do w/cycling and everything to do w/relationships, communication, and give-and-take.

One couple's unacceptable 4-month-solo-adventure is another couple's "welcome break from the routine."

Good luck w/that.

I wonder if meeting at O'Hare airport while dropping me off at the beginning of the trip and once again upon my return would satisfy her? :>)

2ering, forgive me for another blunt answer.... No one in this forum can answer that question for you... You need to be communicating with your wife about these things instead.

I have summers off and my wife seldom gets a vacation. She knows how important it is to me to be able to get away and have an adventure, so I go with her blessing.

I'm hopeful that someday she'll be able to go with me, but she doesn't like riding her bike uphill very much. Hmmm. Maybe a first tour across Kansas would be an idea. The Netherlands? Where is a great destination with no hills? Anyone?

^Netherlands is great, my wife is not into biking uphill much but biking around the city to the museums and cafes was a great time and she had no problem spending most of the days pedaling around.




www.northwardsbound.com

I'm thankful that my girlfriend recognizes and supports what I want to do (as long as its in reason, haha)

Good Luck!!

I have summers off and my wife seldom gets a vacation. She knows how important it is to me to be able to get away and have an adventure, so I go with her blessing.

I'm hopeful that someday she'll be able to go with me, but she doesn't like riding her bike uphill very much. Hmmm. Maybe a first tour across Kansas would be an idea. The Netherlands? Where is a great destination with no hills? Anyone?

I have crossed Kansas twice and in both cases it wasn't especially easy going. On the TA we had constant headwinds (we were east bound). On the Santa Fe trail trip part of the way was hilly (the Flint Hills), very similar to the rolling hills of Missouri. Additionally again there were strong headwinds (this time I was west bound). So don't assume Kansas will be easy unless you can manage tailwinds.

Counter argument - she will have to be working and take care of the house, and all the bills and everything else while you out there touring and having a good time. She will be lonely without you. Not very fair at all on her part. Marriage is about compromise.

So he should not enjoy his retirement because his wife chooses to continue to work? I would not consider it at all selfish for him to enjoy long tours; he worked for the duration of his career to earn the right to enjoy his retirement. Marriage is about allowing each other to do what makes them happy. Both should be willing to support the other doing what makes them happy.

For me the best solution is to simply live alone, which also enriches your life in other ways. But if you *are* going to be married, your best answer is to be honest and up front about things like this before you buy the ring, and make sure you only get involved with someone who shares and/or understands your passions -- whatever they are.

Maybe better yet be sure they are willing to support your pursuits and that you are willing to support theirs. After all even if your interests are the same now they may not be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. So more important than sharing interests is being willing to support each other's interests.

Originally Posted by BigBlueToe
I have summers off and my wife seldom gets a vacation. She knows how important it is to me to be able to get away and have an adventure, so I go with her blessing.

I'm hopeful that someday she'll be able to go with me, but she doesn't like riding her bike uphill very much. Hmmm. Maybe a first tour across Kansas would be an idea. The Netherlands? Where is a great destination with no hills? Anyone?

I have to agree with staehpj1. I'd even take it a little further and say there are hardly any places that are truely flat when you are on a bike. However, there are some places that are less hilly than others. Northern Ohio is the flatest place we ever rode through. We kidded about the only hills being the overpasses going over the railroad tracks. My wife and I recently had a discussion about the Netherlands. The conclusion we came up with is: we are going to look at which way the windmills are all pointing and ride the other way;)

Although, I have never been in a committed relationship before so I have no clue what I am talking about.

chuckle

well, all I can say is that I am pretty darn glad that I did my adventurous trips pre-marriage and pre-kids. Yes, marriage and kids means certain compromises and its a whole different sort of thing, but yup, doing things beforehand is important when one can deal with less issues. Enjoy, nay embrace your cluelessness!

My husband is, fortunately, completely behind me on anything cycle related though he has no interest in riding himself. He's never complained about the cost of gear. He's fine with the idea of me being gone for weeks. I've also tried to plan trips with something for us both to do like fishing/cycling. Find a place I want to cycle around that happens to have great fly fishing. I ride and we spend the evening together eating the trout he catches. :) It worked great last August as a test run.
My wife loves shopping. I rode from San Francisco to San Diego, she drove ahead, shopped all day, I rode all day, we stayed in the same hotel room at night, for 6 days. That was three years ago and i am still paying off the credit cards

My wife loves shopping. I rode from San Francisco to San Diego, she drove ahead, shopped all day, I rode all day, we stayed in the same hotel room at night, for 6 days. That was three years ago and i am still paying off the credit cards

My husband is fortunate. I'm not a big shopper. Cycle gear and occasionally some new piece of electronics that we can pay for right off. ;)

I take a week-long tour plus a 3-day tour just about every year. My wife doesn't ride but doesn't seem to begrudge my trips because I keep the costs low. Also, she often takes trips with friends or educational workshops that I don't attend, so it all evens out. We always take at least one trip together every year as well. I think it's healthy for couples to take trips or do other activities that don't involve their spouses. It gets tiresome doing everything as a couple, but I've been married for 27 years so we're long past the lovebird stage.

"So he should not enjoy his retirement because his wife chooses to continue to work?"

He got laid off.


"I would not consider it at all selfish for him to enjoy long tours; he worked for the duration of his career to earn the right to enjoy his retirement."

That could be the way it is set up or not. She could invent all kinds of fictional needs or wants that he has to support.

"Marriage is about allowing each other to do what makes them happy. Both should be willing to support the other doing what makes them happy."

Ideally, but there are all kinds of exceptions. In theory, you get opposites attracting, so you get one outdoorsy confident guy attracted to one indoorsy timid type, who needs constant companionship to feel safe. Sounds like a lot of use are lucky, but there are lots of permutations.

Who's head are you trying to justify it in,yours or theirs.....

You should be willing on both sides,to support each other in your passions,even if they are not the same.

She might want to go shoe/purse shopping in France for a month someday.....

Just lie and disappear. She'll take you back...

I love my wife but totally don't see eye to eye on bike touring. To her the whole idea makes about as much sense as it does to me when she wants a 4,000$ handbag. I am doing 7 days this summer and I hope to build up some trust with her to do more as I get older but when I tell her I'd like to ride the great divide or spend 6 months in south america she says, "well then you shouldn't have gotten married."

I'm lucky in that my companion enjoys cycling and touring, but two weeks is about her limit as she works. I on the other hand have retired and assumed many of the domestic chores from cooking and cleaning to walking the pooch daily. My dream, since I was laid off in 2007, is to attempt a 4-6 month tour of Europe, but am afraid I would feel real guilty knowing I've essentially abandoned her for that period. She plans to work for another 5 years or so, and even if she were to retire now (which would only happen if the company laid her off) it doesn't appear she would enjoy a tour anywhere near that length.

So I am wondering how other solo tourists that are in a committed relationship and whose partner is not able to join them on extended tours have resolved the issues. Thanks for your comments.

I *might* be an expert in this area. My wife is from Brazil, is a few years younger than me and essentially started her career over when we were married and she moved to the US.

On the other hand, I've been with the same company for almost 27 years and have tons o' vacation a year - she started with two weeks and now has three meaning I can weeks of vacation where she can't go with me.

We've talked about what happens when I retire - it's not unlike your situation - she loves to work and has no intentions of retiring when I go out. That's good financially and from an expectations point of view, she knows that I want to travel and doesn't mind my multi-week cheap vacations.

How cheap are they? Well, not bad but cheap enough that it doesn't meet her idea of a vacation. Kayak trips - bicycle trips - etc.... not her thing.

We were talking about your comments last night. I asked her what made her comfortable when I travel. She said two things - while she doesn't want to be controlling, it was important to her that I document my schedule fully and that I touch base w/ her daily - if not more. If I go missing or don't check in, she wants to have a good idea of where I'm supposed to be so that she can direct the local authorities to the same general location.

In 2008, I did a kayak trip on the Alabama river - and was alone for 5 days after starting the trip w/ others. In 2009, I went on a kayak/riverboat trip on the Rio Negro in Amazonia Brazil. In both cases, there was no cellphone coverage so I used a SPOT unit. That allowed me to check-in in the morning, at lunch and in the evening when we stopped for the night. That really helped her comfort level. As long as I do this, I can travel anywhere in the world and she's ok w/ it.

The other suggestions are spot-on also - fly her in to join you for several days or even a week or two. If you're off for a 4-6 month tour of Europe, there's no reason why you guys can't carve out a vacation for her in an area she's always wanted to visit. My wife would love that and it would make this a no-brainer for her.