Fifty Plus (50+) - The 50+ Humor Thread

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF_cRNM3yhc

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. - Mark Twain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8E8trKZGbE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfLdFButxeo

A married woman tells this story:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

wella who ya gonna believe, me or your own eyes?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nK8l2p1AYg

Lots of good stuff here, here's one of my favorites...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEIUW5Rslrc

hehe, love honest John.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bputeFGXEjA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om_yq4L3M_I

I kinda like this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49GavdGWtac

I kinda like this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49GavdGWtac

Everybody sing along "Holy crap we're getting older...we've pissed our youth away"

I think this will improve my standover height


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zdDfQrPi5Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MumScDIZMJc

Riddle me this Batbikers!

http://www.bicycle.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/riddler-cycling-team.jpg

Frank plays bicycle on this show


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql_3LS_B4q0


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho37arU5-2g


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vip0H-I8pTg

Ruth rode in my cycle car. It rode in back of me. I hit a bump at 95 and rode on Ruthlessly.

http://www.machinehead-software.co.uk/bike/jokes.html

Bicycling jokes of the day



"I don't remember you ever beating Lance Armstrong" said the journalist. "When was that?"
"In the seventh stage of the Tour de France in 2002, I beat him over the head with my water bottle - but he still won the tour!"
"The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!"
Jack an Jill have just climed Le Alp de Huez on a tandem: "Phew that was a tough climb" said Jack "Thought I was going to bonk". "Yeah good job I kept the brakes on" said Jill "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"
What is the cheapest type of bicycle you can buy?
A penny-farthing!
"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."
My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day - and now we don't know where the heck she is!
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Did you hear about the cyclist who used viagra eye drops? They made him look hard!
Mary had a bicycle
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her ....
I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "*****! COW!!". Then I collided with the pig!
"Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith"
The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.."
Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked "I've never come this way before", the reply "Must be the cobble stones"
A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"
I like cycling because: "it keeps me off the street"
Did You hear the one about the cyclist who didn't know he had diarrhoea until he removed his bike clips!
Three cyclist's went for a meal. When the waiter appeared with the bill, the first cyclist said "The meals on me lads, I’ll pay": The headlines the following day read "cycling ventriloquist found dead in a ditch"
(Very very old joke modified for enhanced political correctness (http://www.machinehead-software.co.uk/nigel_jones/nigel_jones_registered_voter.html) following complaints (http://www.machinehead-software.co.uk/complaints.html) from messieurs Lederman and McDuff)
An over zealous traffic cop stopped the vicar on his bicycle: After checking the bike thoroughly and finding nothing wrong he had to let the vicar go: "You will never arrest me because God is with me wherever I go" said the vicar. "Right then" (said the cop) "I’m nicking you for carrying a passenger on a single seater vehicle!"
A Cyclists Prayer: "Dear God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then please may I return as a ladies bicycle seat"
A cyclist was stopped by customs. "What's in the bags?", asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. "Sand," said the cyclist. "let me take a look", said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. "You sure had us foxed", said the cop. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what was it you were smuggling? ..... "Bicycles!"
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it's too tyred!
A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."
Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap. The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".
The pedestrian (lemming) stepped off the kerb into the road without looking and gets knocked down by a passing cyclist:
"You were lucky" said the cyclist "What are you on about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian "Usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied
"Do you realise you have left your shorts at home?" I said as I rode along side a rather exposed looking cyclist... "Yeah it was the wifes idea" he replied "Last week I went out without my jersy and finished up with a stiff neck!"
What do you call a bicycle built by a chemist?
Bike-carbonate of soda!
Encyclopaedia is a fetish for very small bicycles
When she climbed off the crossbar I realized he was riding a ladies bike.
Why is Cinderella so uncompetitive at cycling? She has a pumpkin for a coach!

hehe, love honest John.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bputeFGXEjA

Noah - greatest comedy routine ever.

Dom' expressions.:D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mitF1kpMbvg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofUZNynYXzM

or, for that matter, pretty much anything from Goon Show (Spike Milligan), Fringe, Python.

Love Peter Cook and Dom Deluise


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiA6fQgL5as

The funniest TV scene ever ;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvn-tBeLpCk

Reverend Jim is still Christopher Lloyd's best character
Q: Mental Illness or Narcotics addiction?

Jim: That's a tough choice.

I've always enjoyed this one, and you'd just about have to be 50+ to recognize the personalities and understand it. Actually, I may have seen that episode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVkZZsS-66c

Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers from the closet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLb6MldJtjU

Here's the classic 911 call (audio only) that was so popular a few years back. Warning...if you're offended by swearing...please do not click on this link.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cClB2iLAqts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLb6MldJtjU

I don't freebase cocaine...I'll toot. I'll do an 8-ball of toot, but I don't base.

Here's the classic 911 call (audio only) that was so popular a few years back. Warning...if you're offended by swearing...please do not click on this link.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cClB2iLAqts

I need a bambulance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kJkhEcQ44k

A classic, and still one of my favorites.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M&feature=related

A classic, and still one of my favorites.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M&feature=related

+1 I almost put this the other day, but skipped it for some reason. I think the Zappa on Steve Allen really surprised me and I lost my focus!

https://maniacjoe.com/products/YOGI_BERRA_aaia076_s.jpg

"Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded."

"I really didn't say everything I said."

" It ain't over 'til it's over "

"Never answer an anonymous letter."

"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."

"It's deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"The future ain't what it used to be."

" It gets late early out here"

"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."

"If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."


http://www.yogiberra.com/yogi-isms.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbxq0IDqD04


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1fKzw05Q5A

Those of you who may be at work open this at home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoGAUo0J4Lc

Noah - greatest comedy routine ever.

Completely correct.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbYtASAakAI

And follow this link to see the original Flash version, Kenya (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/kenya/), no bad youtube blurring and artifacts.

Does the lion look familiar?

And, from Art Ditmar (NYY '61) who I played baseball for in college:

Interviewer: Yogi, if you found a wallet with a million dollars in it what would you do?

Yogi: Well, if the guy who lost it was poor I'd give it back.

A guy comes home tipsy from a night out with his friends. He throws himself into bed, turns to his wife and says, "I love you." His wife says, "Is that you or the scotch talking?" He replies, "Actually, It's me talking to the scotch."

Talking animals are always good for a few guffaws. Offensive language alert
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSK1D3bZhRs&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY

The Rules (http://www.velominati.com/blog/the-rules/)


by The Keepers / Jun 1 2009 / 1,590 posts

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules:

RULE 1:
Obey The Rules.

RULE 2:
It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1

RULE 3:
No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

RULE 4:
It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

RULE 5:
Harden The **** Up.2,14

RULE 6:
Free your mind and your legs will follow.

RULE 7:
Tan lines should be cultivated and kept...

click the above link for the rest of The Rules, and associated hyperlinks. +1 for twatwaffle, and the HTFU video.

How to Master the Snot Rocket (http://www.active.com/mountainbiking/Articles/How-to-Master-the-Snot-Rocket.htm)

http://www.guenergy.com/dermacharge?utm_source=Web+Registration+list&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=d9ab1d428c-DermaCharge&mc_cid=d9ab1d428c&mc_eid=a26ef4dcf0

http://www.guenergy.com/images/_0000_DermaCharge-Avo.jpg

Another version: Printer Wars. Jump ahead to the 20 second mark.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn55rPN_JU4#t=0m21s

http://www.guenergy.com/images/_0000_DermaCharge-Milk.jpg

http://www.guenergy.com/images/_0000_DermaCharge-Butter.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s


As a professional photographer, I've done photos for a few of these people.....lol. I remember once asking a little girl, "Are you glad summer is here so you can go swimming?". Her mother quickly replied, "She can't be out in the sun, it makes her too dark for her pageants".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYFbuH391KM

...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMzbbK9vmaM&feature=related

More Billy Connolly. On topic for us 50 plusers.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMsPNI6EZE&feature=related