Jokes & Humor - genie jokes

Anyone out there with any good Genie Jokes? I'll start.


One very very hot day an Irishman was hiking along a beach. He had been hiking for hours and had developed a great thirst when he came across a genie bottle washed up on shore. Picking it up and rubbing it a Genie apeared and granted him 2 wishes. Being so thirsty, for his first wish he asked for a never ending pint of beer. Poof, there appeared a frosty mug of the best lager around. He quickly drank the whole thing down in one big swallow, then. poof, it filled right back up. down the hatch it went again and again it filled right back up. This he also swilled right down and sighed with relief. "what would you like for your second wish?" asked the Genie.

I'll have another one of these replied Paddy.

one for his laddies!

Guy walking along the beach finds a lamp. When he rubs it clean a genie appears and says "For setting me free I'll give one wish!" The guy thinks for a bit and says "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there in my car." The genie throws up his arms and says "Can't do it! It's impossible... the logistics, materials, engineering... just can''t be done, No Way.. pick another wish." The guy says "OK, I want to understand women!" The genie thinks for a long time and then says to the guy "One lane or two?"

Very nice!

Government worker is sitting in his office one day, bored to tears. having finished the papers he glances around and spies the filing cabinet with the locked lowest drawer. Finally time to pry it open so he finds the key, opens it up and find a Genie bottle.

Rubs it and out comes the Genie. "I grant you 3 wishes" the Genie says.

Civil Service guy thinks a minute and says "I want to live on a beautiful south seas island" and POOF he's in Tahiti. "I want 3 nymphomaniac 19 year old girls looking after my every wish" and POOF he's got 3 beautiful girls attending him. "I never want to have to work another day in my life" and POOF he's back at his desk.

The only genie joke I know offends at least three different classes of protected citizens. Not gonna risk it here!

I typed one up from a story I heard, at money, looks, or wisdom (http://mainlytext.com/humor/money-looks-wisdom.php).

I typed one up from a story I heard, at money, looks, or wisdom (http://mainlytext.com/humor/money-looks-wisdom.php).

That's the problem with wisdom. 100% hind sight.

Three friends from a small town are walking along the beach: a high school principal, a college dean and the mayor. They happen upon a lamp. When they rub it a genie comes out and offers each one a wish. The high school principal asks that he knows what is going on among the students in his school at all times. Poof! The genie grants the wish. The college dean asks that he knows what is going on among his students at the college at all times. Poof! The genie grants the wish. The mayor asks that he knows what is going on among the citizens of the town at all times. Poof! The genie turns him into a woman.

(I mean no disrespect to women. This is one of my wife's favorite jokes. I apologize if this offends any of the great women on this forum or in the world.)

What no jokes about hard of hearing genies and 12" pianists?

Or about the Arab who didn't notice the genie's bottle was an old Mogan David bottle, so of course the genie was Jewish. when he asked the genie to make his penis come to withing a foot of the ground the genie shortened his legs.

This may be the funniest Genie Joke you have ever heard. Or... The worst.


It was a dark and stormy night on the Barbary coast. At a local bar, the usual crowd of societies' misfits and
outcasts were gathered, drinking, smoking, and occasionally fighting. It was a tough place, and these people had pretty
much seen it all.

The door opened, and in walked an enormous man. Big, with muscles bulging under his long trench coat.
But, the guy's head was no bigger than a baseball. Everyone, the tough sailors, the thieves, the cheap hookers,
tried to avert their eyes. The man strode over to the bar and ordered a double scotch. The bartender obliged,
trying not to stare. But, the man with the tiny head saw him, and reached across the bar, grabbing the bartender by
the throat.

"You were looking at my head, weren't you?" asked the man, angrily.
"No, I wa,,wa.. No really I wasn't" answered the bartender, scared to death.
The big man with the little head unhanded the bartender, and laughed through his tiny mouth.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm used to it. No problem. "

He took another big swig of his double scotch, and promptly ordered another. "I wasn't always like this you know.
want to know what happened to me?" he asked. At this point, the entire bar was quiet, and people were gathering
around, all wondering what happened to this poor guy. He began:

"I was once an Air Force Pilot. I flew the big cargo planes, and I was on a routine mission over the south seas when
I had a complete engine failure. I crashed into the ocean, and made it to small island before the plane went down.
I spent weeks on the island, living on whatever food I could find. One day, I was walking along on the beach, wondering
when the search and rescue teams would show up, when I came across this lamp. Of course, I rubbed it, and out came
this Genie. But, she was not ordinary Genie. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And I was horny
as well as hungry." The crowd was enthralled by this story, as the man with the little head continued.

"For freeing me, I will grant you your fondest wish" she said. I didn't have to think long. I was so horny, just looking at her
in that revealing outfit, I couldn't resist. I told her, "I want to make love to you for hours and hours".
"I'm sorry, but as a Genie, I am forbidden to make love" she said.

Wait for it………………….

"In that case, how about giving me a little head?"