Books, Movies, Music & Entertainment - Favorite Family Guy Quotes

We have the Simpsons, we need Family Guy!

"I'm so hungry I could ride a horse... I don't get it. I could ride it to the store I guess..." Chris

C'mon...get real. They are all the best. No contest

Must...kill...Lincoln...

Victory is mine!

I'm gonna turn you into pooh!

I need an adult!!!

Oh, here's a pleasant sight: Cirrhosis, the wonder dog!

I can't remember the qoute but it is when he takes of his chin and remarks about the resemblance to a pair of nads.

la la la la la miss saigon la la la la la miss saigon (while pulling his eyes to make them look slanted like an asian's) :)

"I smell death on you" - Stewie
"Click, click, bloody click...pancakes!!!!" - another Stewie
"Hey there muscley armed paper boy, bring any good news today?" - Old dude with the walker
"I'm the Lord Jesus Christ" - Tom Tucker
"Are you Sarah Connor?" - Mayor West
"I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road!" - Old man (when the TV dish was wrecked)

"Just pretend it doesn't exist, like the squid" then the camera zooms out and a giant squid is at the table.

I just think it's funny because it's so random.

Ya know, there isn't a bad episode in that series...something hilarious and memorable out of every one.

My favorite random bit is the Y2K episode, when Peter has the radiation suit on and then Chris yells "Oh No! The government's here...RUN E.T!" and E.T. goes running and screaming across the screen.

Or the Willy Wonka ripoff when Peter's running home and falls, and they just loop him sitting there holding his shin... "aaaaaaahhhh...*inhale* aaaaaahhhhhh *inhale* aaaahhhhhh..."

That show's too funny. I can't wait for the new episodes, or that new series for that matter. Man, I love cartoons WAY too much - but I guess that's one of the defining traits of my generation - we never stopped watching cartoons (and cartoons never stopped catering to us). Thank you, Simpsons!

[QUOTE=HoboRandy]Or the Willy Wonka ripoff when Peter's running home and falls, and they just loop him sitting there holding his shin... "aaaaaaahhhh...*inhale* aaaaaahhhhhh *inhale* aaaahhhhhh..."[/
QUOTE]

That was one of the funniest parts I've ever seen on that show.

Brian: "Do you even listen to yourself talk?"
Peter: "I drift in and out."

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.
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Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.
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Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
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Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.
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Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
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Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
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Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
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Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
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Death: Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just --
Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make it with milk, not crap.
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Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math.
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Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that's an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?
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Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
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Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
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[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
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Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
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Quagmire (runs outside in a robe): Hey guys, what's going on? I was just jerki ... ed out of a deep sleep.
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Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when you least expect it.
(Waters plant)
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I've spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers money trying to find these thieves and I'll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can't print that! Thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.
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Trisha Takanawa: For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."
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Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just --DEATH.
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Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
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Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
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Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
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Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house
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Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
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Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!
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Stewie: "Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb."
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Brian: Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
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Brian: "Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occassion?"
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Lois: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty.
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[watching Cricket on British TV]
Peter: What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it's Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "***" means "cigarette."
Peter: Well, someone tell this "cigarette" to shut up.
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Peter: Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway.
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Peter: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have ... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
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Lois: Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.
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Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national guard came and shot some of my friends.

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es Brian... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes... uhhhh...
Bellboy: Hey, that was pretty good. Dxcept when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "me llamo Brian".
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English?
Bellboy: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy: Que?


Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.


Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment... [Vomits] And a stomach virus... [Falls off stool] And an inner ear infection.


Stewie: But no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you.

Anything by Stewie.

I love those bits that spoof the Benny Hill show (when he's dressed like a sailor and dancing around with a bunch of women).

Yea! Stewie is our ID talking, ain't he, aint' he, ain't he.

[Peter potty-training Stewie, and he doesn't have to go]
Peter: I'll give you some beer, it goes right through ya.
Stewie: And in the meantime, we can light up a doobie and watch p0rn.
Peter: Yeah?

I might be a bit off with the quote, but it's pretty close.

Road Warrior:Show me Potato Salad!

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Peter: Ha, Ha, Ha....Nuclear! It's Nucular dummy the S is silent.