Jokes & Humor - .

How do you get 99 old ladies in a room to swear loudly?

Get one old lady in the room to say "Bingo".

To boost awareness of their seafood industry, the state of Maine decided to have a Fish Cooking Contest. Chefs from all over the world entered in the contest.

After weeks of competition, the field was narrowed down to two chefs. They were equally skilled and had almost identical recipes. But one chef, at the last minute, decided to add a marinade to his dish.

After careful deliberation, the judges decided that the chef who used the marinade was the winner. As they awarded him the trophy, the losing chef said, "There, but for the glaze of cod go I."

A guy is sitting at home watching TV. Then there is a knock at the door. And he gets up and opens the door, and there's a snail there.

The snail says "Gimme a hamburger" and the guy gets mad and kicks the snail.

(30 years later) The guy hears another knock at the door. It's the snail... and he says, "What'd you do that for?"

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.

Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!

Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?




A: Four...One to change the lightbulb while the other three stand around complaining how "It could have been me up there!"

A baby seal walks into a club...

A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the scooter.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the scooter that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

You coulda just posted them all at once instead of muliple times, and having a title called "." is annoying. Some of them are good but I don't get the "A baby seal walks into a club."

You coulda just posted them all at once instead of muliple times, and having a title called "." is annoying. Some of them are good but I don't get the "A baby seal walks into a club."


Check the current news.....Big uproar over baby seals being "clubbed" to death.....sick joke......Not that there's anything wrong with that.....He says, protecting his future rights.....

I've always liked the baby seal club joke.

Dangit, I just tried the baby seal one on the first girl to walk in to the computer lab...she didn't get it.

lol, nice opening line iamlucky13:D