Jokes & Humor - The Q. and A. thread

Let's keep it clean, please.

Q: Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife?

A: He fired them all.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead rat?

A: The rat could have been out visiting friends.

Q: What's DNA stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: What gets longer when pulled and works best when jerked?

A: A seat belt.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

Q: What was perfect about the marriage of Adam and Eve?


A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married instead, and she didn't have to hear about his mother's cooking.

Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the Spice Girls?

A: They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q: You know what I did before I got married?

A: Anything I wanted to.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?


A: Bernie.

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?

A: Nudity.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?

A: Stu.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the kitchen shelf?

A: Herb.



Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who got sick on the roller coaster?

A: Ralph.


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on the beach?

A: Sandy.


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying out of the ballpark?

A: Homer.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs just touching a lake?

A: Doc.


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on a podium?

A: Mike.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on the porch?

A: Matt.


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

A: Art.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water?

A: Bob.

Q: What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs in the water?

A: Bob Barker.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?


A. They take the psycho path.

Q. How do you get holy water?


A. You boil the hell out of it.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?


A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. How do you make a billiard table giggle?


A. Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Q. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?


A. About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Q: What do a cheap hotel and tight pants have in common?

A: No ballroom.

Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

A: The cold shoulder.

Q: What happens when a boy reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who lies in front of the door?
A: Matt



Q: What does he change his name to after a year?
A: Warren



Q: What do you call twin boys with no arms and no legs hanging next to a window?
A: Kurt 'n Rod

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who lies in a pile of leaves?

A: Russell

Q: Why do blondes wear a ponytail?

A: To hide the air valve stem.

What do pilots and prostitutes have in common ?

They both work in a cockpit.

Why is the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek like a roll of toilet paper ?

Because the both go around Uranus (your anus) picking up Klingons (cling ons)

What do codoms and coffins have in common ?

You have to be stiff to use them.


What is the difference between a condom and coffin ?

One is for coming and the other is for going ...

Alright Ahsposo, that does it. No more energy bars for you! Gotta admit, some of these may be old, but are still funny.

Q: How many members of the teamsters union does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It takes fifteen. You got a problem wit dat?

From 1990:
Q: What do you get when East Germany and West Germany get back together?
A: You get out of the way.

(I'm of German descent)

Q: If you have ten lawyers, buried up to their necks in Boston Harbor sludge, what do you have?
A: Not enough Boston Harbor sludge.

Q: What's better than roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on an organ.

Q: Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the difference between arson and incest?

A: He set fire to his sister.

Q: What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a booger?

A: A beer goes on the table, a booger goes under it.

Q: How is sex like software?

A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A: The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will stop and wait for the stop sign to turn green.

Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?

A: A woman's mouth.

Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?

A: Kids will eat snot.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?


A. Because they're pigs.

Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?

A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?

A: So he wouldn't be recognized.



Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?

A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.

Q: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled?

A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.



Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?

A: On television.

Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

A: She had three men giving her directions.