Clydesdales/Athenas (200+ lb / 91+ kg) - Need advice with my husband.

I am trying to get my husband into cycling. He's been as much as 500+ and now is about 380 to 450. I'm not sure. Also he's just turned 50. I'm trying to get him into cycling. I have built a bike I am sure will hold him but am having trouble getting him to give it a try. He keeps coming up with excuses as to why he can't start. He cant get his leg over the bar, he's afraid it will hurt his knees or he may destroy the bike. It's to the point I have just backed off about it. AM I the problem pushing the issue to hard or is there another reason he may be afraid of it that I don't understand?
Any ideas or inspiration I can give him would be nice.

Thanks, The Bird.

Ultimately, he has to want it.

Show him mour before and after thread, in particular, my pic set at the first post. <Maybe that'll help.

You're trying to do a very good thing encouraging your husband to exercise:thumb: It sounds like he has already dropped considerable weight and I'm sure this has involved considerable support on your part. If his weight loss is ongoing you could hold off until he hits a weight that he feels might be more cycling compatible. Alternatively, if you're in a cycling club are there any Clyde men in the club who could stop by and give your husband encouragement?

I'm sure you'll get several thoughtful responses from Clydes who can weigh in with their tips on how to help hubby overcome his reluctance. Also, let the readers know how long it's been since your husband has been on a bicycle.

Thanks.. He was a teen last time he was on a bike. From what I understand his last bike was a Schwinn 10-SpD that had the seat post that was bent near the BB and went around the wheel like a moden Tri bike. He was ridiculed by the other kids that he had bent the bike from his weight. When he tried to explane it was made that way they just chided him more. I think this may be part of his fear. As for Weight loss He's up and down. When we got married he had gotten down to about 270 but has gone way back up. I have tried to show him some of the before and after photos here but he became defensive and said that he's working on getting his weight down his own way. Ok, but I think riding would help. I think it would be great for us to ride and I know to start him out slow. I am thinking 200 yards up the road and back the first few weeks to start... I am flexible and have his best at heart. We live in a rural area so I don't think the spectical on 2 wheels is the problem. Also I understand "He" has to want this. I was just looking for some ideas on what got you all to try the bike over other forms of workout. It feels to be his fear is not to exercise but it's the bike. But I could be wrong and maybe just don't understand something about him that he's not letting me in on in this subject.

I would show him the before and after pics here. When I wanted to start riding, I did that and it really motivated me. I hooked up with a rider who started riding at 480 pounds and now he is 288. Its amazing.

But I will tell you this.... too much pushing is can, sometimes, not be the best way to motivate. Men, like women, are complex and too much pushing can push the person away even more.

I love riding my bike more so then being at the gym. One reason is that I am outdoors. I can go anywhere and have fun doing it. Great for my legs and great for seeing the sites and being outdoors. He will be hooked once he starts.

I still go to the gym... cant replace it but I love riding more then the gym.

How is his relationship with his primary doctor? Does he go? If not, will he go FOR you?

If your doctor is a good one, he will encourage your hubby to lose weight...perhaps you can meet with the doc 1st and suggest some things for the doc to push?

Ultimately, it is his decision to follow through but if you can have the discussion with him to try to get healthier for BOTH of you, then perhaps he will be willing to try harder.

As far as biking is concerned, it has to be something he is willing to try on his own - forcing a stubborn person to try something that they don't want to do can only make it so that they want it less the more you push (living with a stubborn as a bull wife has taught me this one thing, if anything)

phly: wow.... sounds like your wife and my wife might get along. That would be great and then we both could get passes to go out and ride! :)

Set up a bike date... maybe park at one end of a park and have a bite to eat or some other activity scoped out at the other end. Point out that besides the health benefit you are trying to provide to him, you also want to spend time with him, and since you enjoy cycling you'd like to share that with him. It worked with my wife... kind of.... although she is no Athena. (She does have some other health issues though.)

Well, if we could nag each other into fitness, we'd all be perfect specimens.

The problem is that you can encourage someone, but ultimately, you can't make them do something they don't care about doing. Even if someone WANTS to lose weight and be more fit, it is very difficult for them to do it, and if they don't especially care, it's just about impossible for somebody else to bring about a change in their lives.

To actually lose weight bicycling, you have to keep at it pretty religiously, you have to ride when the weather is unpleasant, when it's dark, or whatever it takes. If you have a negative attitude, you can ALWAYS find reasons not to exercise (it's too dark, too cold, too windy, too hilly, too hot, you're too busy, too tired, and on and on). To do any good, you have to put those aside and just go do it anyway. Ultimately, a bicycle is a labor-saving implement (easier than walking the same distance) and to accomplish anything, you need to work at it, not just coast around and kick the pedals now and again. For maximum effect, you need to be watching what you eat, and if you tootle around the block every now and then, and then eat an extra PB&J when you're done, you won't lose an ounce.

In my case, I have really really enjoyed cycing, and my wife has no interest in that or in much of anything else I do. The bright side is that I do get to ride with a number of other men and women around my age in the local club, and I really enjoy that. I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to enjoy life, and if she wanted to sit around the house, that was her problem.

Thanks.. He was a teen last time he was on a bike. From what I understand his last bike was a Schwinn 10-SpD that had the seat post that was bent near the BB and went around the wheel like a moden Tri bike. He was ridiculed by the other kids that he had bent the bike from his weight. When he tried to explane it was made that way they just chided him more. I think this may be part of his fear. As for Weight loss He's up and down. When we got married he had gotten down to about 270 but has gone way back up. I have tried to show him some of the before and after photos here but he became defensive and said that he's working on getting his weight down his own way. Ok, but I think riding would help. I think it would be great for us to ride and I know to start him out slow. I am thinking 200 yards up the road and back the first few weeks to start... I am flexible and have his best at heart. We live in a rural area so I don't think the spectical on 2 wheels is the problem. Also I understand "He" has to want this. I was just looking for some ideas on what got you all to try the bike over other forms of workout. It feels to be his fear is not to exercise but it's the bike. But I could be wrong and maybe just don't understand something about him that he's not letting me in on in this subject.

Tom Stormcrowe nailed it. Perhaps he doesn't want to ride? Or, perhaps he doesn't want to lose weight?

A person who is so massively obese in most cases didn't get that way because they drink one beer too many or a second helping. There is something in his head, in my opinion, that caused him to wall himself away in fat. He's the only one who can work to get whatever it is out. You can only help him; you can't do it for him.

Your husband sounds a lot like me five years ago, when I was 400 pounds and living in denial. It took a hospital trip and a night in the cardiac ward to cause me to make a change. Decades of people telling me I should didn't do a darn thing but deepen my denial and sense of victimhood. I hope your husband makes a change without the sort of scare I had.

BTW, if he wants to chat, he can send me a PM.

Bird,

He will have to want to lose the weight.

Like several here have and this man.

http://www.bicycling.com/training-nutrition/nutrition-weight-loss/i-lost-320-pounds-riding-bike

So, he doesn't want to bike. Is there something active that he enjoys that you could do together without making a big deal out of it?

I have to agree with everyone so far. You can't make someone want to bike. Hell, last summer, I wanted to bike but refused to do it for fear of looking ridiculous. In the end, it's up to him to figure it out.

It was a couple of college kids that got me going again. That, and my wife and I were volunteers (thanks to the college kids) at a local sprint triathlon. When we saw the very heavy folk giving it a go, we realized that we, too, could do that. Helps that we used to ride (almost 25 years ago), and really, really enjoy riding together. Your husband has to want it - what got me going was the cyclocross racing looked fun to me (the Portland Cross Crusade is, well, unique), and I was sick of myself.

You mentioned that he had an experience "collapsing" a bike due to his weight when he was a teen. That's got to have been embarassing and could definitely be behind the curent heistancy.

Here's a possibility - what about a trike/quad? Except for something like a Worksman, a TerraTrike Rover/Rambler has a higher weight limit then most bikes. Stable under most conditions - zero balance issues at low-medium speeds. Potentially easier on the knees. . Rider is able to rest whenever, wherever one wants literally without getting off the trike/quad. Ability to carry snacks, water, whatever is "easier" than on a bike (for some people).

Just a thought.

the artical Arva posted is outstanding!

First: You are definately not the problem. You are concerned for your husband's health and happiness and are trying to introduce him to something that would probably benefit him greatly. Whether he ever rides or not, do not blame yourself. We have limited ability to motivate others. You can stoke the flame but you can't light the fire. The primary motivation must come from within him.

See if you can get your husband to go in for an annual physical to make sure there is not medical reason he shouldn't ride. If he checks out OK, then maybe something less threatening, like going for a daily walk, would be a way to get things rolling (no pun intended). When you get him on a bicycle, take short pleasurable trips and don't overdo it. Don't focus on weight loss, focus on being active and feeling better as well as the enjoyment of doing things together.

Good Luck

I read a stat couple years ago that most men begin exercise because their wives start to. Operative word: most. The other caveat: for a lot of people: weight loss gets harder, not easier, as the weight loss progresses. That's a huge psychological barrier to do more work and see less results.

Alternatively: men only fitness group. My "new" church has one. I've not been, but I understand it's quite popular, among the men AND the women (for some reason or other).

...To actually lose weight bicycling, you have to keep at it pretty religiously, you have to ride when the weather is unpleasant, when it's dark, or whatever it takes...
Very true. I can't imagine biking hard enough to lose weight without making any other changes in diet or lifestyle.
On the other hand, cycling -- even on a fairly casual level -- can supercharge your dietary changes by boosting your calorie deficit substantially. I lost 70 pounds over a year and a half -- an easy and very sustainable one pound a week -- without any special diet, just portion control and boosting the good stuff and reducing the bad. More salad, less meat; more veggie sticks, fewer chips; more fruit, less ice cream. That alone would have been enough to take some weight off, but you can speed things up and greatly enhance your overall wellbeing by adding in some exercise. If it's something fun, like riding a bike, you're more likely to stick to it. And the more you do it, the more enjoyable it gets.

I have a friend that is quite overweight and in bad health and he is seemingly paralyzed from doing anything to start losing weight. He has 10,000 excuses for NOT swinging his leg over the saddle and just riding....or he did. I just kept inviting him to go for rides and whenever he started in commenting on my fitness and how well I've been doing, I'd mention it starts slow and easy, but you do have to START! He rode once last year with me. Now this year, he has slowly started to ride short distances. Last month he rode a "cruiser bike " local organized ride around town with me(6 miles). Last week we rode 10 miles, slow and easy. Now he is finally coming around and looking for reasons TO ride instead of not to. But it has taken a LONG time to get him to come around.
Now, that said, I've done the same thing with my wife - inviting her to go around the neighborhood with me. She does occasionally, but she is just not into cycling(I know, shock!), and I think she just does it to spend a little time with me mostly...but I'm still working on that too!
Ha!

Also I understand "He" has to want this.

As his wife, you can make him want it. You're not allowed to pull the trump card very often ... but this sounds like it might be an appropriate time.

This would probably start with "It's very important to me that ..." going into his health, knowing that he's been doing a good job of losing weight but also struggling to make it happen, how bikes help with that, and wrapping up with your love for the bike, and how much you would enjoy riding with him. And your bike knowledge (plus the fact that you'll be there for/with him) should help with any fears he has about wrecking the thing.

I would suggest that you cease pushing him to start riding. Rather, I suggest you focus on your concern for his health (and the potential consequences) and simply encourage him to increase his activity in whatever way he thinks he can enjoy. For instance, it could be as simple as the two of you going for afternoon/evening walks.

Given time, if he sees that YOU enjoy cycling, he may decide to try it again. Particularly as whatever activity he settles on improves his fitness and he starts to experience the positives associated with that. Even then, he may never like the idea of riding a bike, don't let that narrow focus keep you from encouraging him on the real concern--his health.

"AM I the problem pushing the issue to hard or is there another reason he may be afraid of it that I don't understand? "


Yes, in a way you are a problem since you are TO close to hubby. Get friends involved to help him want to ride for the fun of it.

Like it's said......nobody does anything they don't want to. The trick is making them want to!!

What type of bike did you build for him? You bikes look nice and odds are you might have built him a bike the way you would build one for yourself.

this may be way off base, but maybe if you find an older steel mountain bike and build it up (not a lot of build...but put smooth tires and bar ends on)you could put the message this way just to get him on the bike and then hope that bike magic takes plaes

Dear I would love to share my love of bikes with you, and also get the side benefit of health.

I hear your concerns so this bike is special to deal with them
It strong as it is steel and based on a mtn. bike so don't worry about it....yo won't break it
The bar is lower than a road bike so no problem with getting a leg over
Bikes have gears to make it easy on knees, we are leaving your bike in the easiest/lowest gear to start
we are going to ride just around the block to day or we can go some where no one is around (parking lot?) so you can get back in the saddle with out people watching

this might work..... but some peope just don't like bikes as much as we do and I think we can have blinders to that. Case in point, even with a cool hip cruiser....my wife is just not into riding
Here is a bike that is solid

Thanks for all the help and PM's It's given me some ideas and some help on how to go forward. Aside from all the kidding around in the 41,,,,, You guys are the best... It's good to know there is a serious side to great places like this. Again. thank-you all so much....

Heather.

Hi Heather;

We moved to San Jose from MN three years ago. At first I walked and rode the light rail to work - maybe walked ½ mile. A few months later, my company moved to a location 2 miles from the light rail - too far for me to walk, and I purchased a bicycle. I am a cheap _____ :). The light rail plus walking was cheaper than driving, but now I had to justify to myself the additional cost of the bike. So I started riding all the way to or from work - the first week removing a couple of the light rail rides, and by the end of the 2nd month, not riding the light rail at all, except when it was raining or I got a flat. I have lost about 80lbs, ride 24 miles per day, and become a bike nut. And my wife (who has balance issue and can't ride solo) and I ride our tandem every weekend.

Biking has proven to be very beneficial for my knees; and strongly recommended by my orthopedist. My regular doctor has told me, "... whatever you are doing, just keep doing it."

Years ago when my wife & I first got together I was a hard core gym rat. She asked me to help her get fit. After a couple of weeks I had to sit her down and tell her flat out "I can be your boyfriend or I can be your trainer. You choose.". Our ideas of what constitutes exercise are so wildly different that we wind up in a bad place.

We have always had an issue with cycling in that our fitness levels - and expectations - vary greatly. The frustrations it causes both of us lead us to NOT do it together. But we both want to.

We recently bought an old tandem to see if we would like it. For the first time ever we can cycle together and both enjoy it. She isn't slowing me down, my pace isn't beating her up... and we are communicating and sharing the effort. Buy a sturdy, older Mountain bike tandem. Put some bulletproof Clyde wheels on it and share the experience. If he enjoys that, maybe, just maybe, he will *want* to look into a solo bike.

Now the key here is that my wife WANTED to join me on rides, we just could never figure out how. If your hubby doesn't want to, this idea may not work.

P.S. It also tends to promote family moments like this

http://i528.photobucket.com/albums/dd321/mymojo34/Bike%20Stuff/Breakfastride.jpg

I have two rules in life:

!) I don't decide what best for other people and then try to make them do it.

2) I try to support my friends in what they want to do.

I know its hard to see someone you care about destroy themselves but the will to change can only come from within themselves.

Charlie

I lost about 120 pounds and kept it off thanks to cycling. I had to make the decision to do it myself. My impetus was my doctor sending me to the nutritionist, because I was near 400 pounds, prediabetic, and starting to crop up a rash of other problems. When I found a bike in a church sale, I realized I had ridden bikes in the past, and could do so again. I lost weight, got involved with a cycling club, (McLean County Wheelers) and saw that my health problems were reversible. I still have weight to go, but I see this as a process, ongoing. Bicycling is low impact, and fun. This does not mean your husband may adopt it as his means of activity, but with your encouragement and support, he may succeed in getting more active.

Something that might work for you, especially if your husband likes gadgets, is geocaching. Take a peek at www.geocaching.com - it's like a hi-tech treasure hunt (except what you're hunting is usually not worth anything). It gets you out and about and takes you to all sorts of interesting places you might otherwise never have known about.

I got into cycling almost entirely because of geocaching. I'd found a few geocaches near my home on foot and wanted to cover the ground faster. That meant a bike, because where I live driving is often more hassle than it's worth for short distances. So I bought a bike, the first one I'd had in 20+ years. At first I felt very conspicuous - there was me, a fat guy riding a gleaming black mountain bike with SPECIALIZED emblazoned down the side but I couldn't go up hills, let alone mountains. I was the slowest thing to move away from traffic lights, and routinely got overtaken by kids on rickety old things. But having the bike meant I could explore further than I could on foot.

Roll the calendar forward a few months and instead of being all but destroyed after 5 miles of mostly flat riding I was striking out further and further until one time I suddenly realised I was in another part of town a good 10 miles from home. My first thought was "how did that happen?", closely followed by "how do I get home?" But I figured getting home wasn't an optional extra so just started turning the pedals and covered the miles. It took me over an hour to get home but I got home without having to fall back on taking the train.

These days I cycle most places if it's a practical option. I'm still overweight but visibly less so than before, and I'm much fitter than I was before. I'm not a world-class athlete by any means but cycling keeps me fit and is something I enjoy doing. Some days if I'm in a grumpy mood my wife turfs me out of the house and tells me to go ride my bike a while. Usually after 20-30 miles I come back home in a much better mood.

Another great thing about cycling is that once you've bought the bike, as long as you can resist the temptation to constantly upgrade this bit or that then cycling is all but free. You need to keep an eye on the chain, cassette, tyres etc and replace them but they really aren't a lot of money.

If he weighs that much, he probably has some joint pain issues. Phytonutrients, especially resveratrol, (from 50% trans-resveratrol powder from Japanese knotweed) and the amino acid DLPA taken in the morning on an empty stomach, can help with that. Resveratrol is good for the cartilage and spinal disks and it reduces inflammatory markers. It may reduce prostate cancer - especially when combined with curcumin (tumeric- or curry) but (I'm not a doctor- so verify this!!) he should take a PSA test before he starts it because it might ALSO make a PSA test negative when it shouldn't be. The D part of DLPA keeps the body's own pain relievers in the system longer, and the L part is food for the brain's neurotransmitter levels and attention.

Also, he might be afraid of being made fun of by people in your neighborhood. A stupid, but very real fear. Maybe it would be possible to find some time or place to ride where those issues are minimized, like early weekend mornings, or a dedicated bike trail.

HE IS EXTREMELY LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND IN YOU.... I know you two can do it, don't give up!


I am trying to get my husband into cycling. He's been as much as 500+ and now is about 380 to 450. I'm not sure. Also he's just turned 50. I'm trying to get him into cycling. I have built a bike I am sure will hold him but am having trouble getting him to give it a try. He keeps coming up with excuses as to why he can't start. He cant get his leg over the bar, he's afraid it will hurt his knees or he may destroy the bike. It's to the point I have just backed off about it. AM I the problem pushing the issue to hard or is there another reason he may be afraid of it that I don't understand?
Any ideas or inspiration I can give him would be nice.

Thanks, The Bird.

If he weighs that much, he probably has some joint pain issues.

I personally find Jello to be important for dealing with joint issues. Doesn't help the pain, but the flareups seem to go down faster if I have plenty of gelatin in my diet.
I have heard that it's also a good thing for weight loss, in moderation of course, based on the fact that gelatin has a lot of bulk for its calorie count.

Try mentioning the riding as something that is fun to do, not as a way to lose weight.

Additionally, he may not want to start because of the fear of failure. If you're halfway convinced that something won't work you start rationalizing reasons to not even start.

Must have a comfort bike if you want him to ride it. I have a road bike, mountain bike that sit in my garage cause there is no way I can carry my weight on the bars on them. I bought a used Raleigh sport comfort bike and it holds me up no promblems its steel, 36spoke rims on 26in with a wide enough seat to hold my big butt. The position feels like your standing up which relieved my hands and arms and i enjoy it BTW im at 450lbs but dropping

Obviously we all love cycling, but how about taking nightly walks together first... Slow, easy, hand-holding pace at first, then gradually add distance and increase pace. After 6 months to a year of steady walking, see if you can get him to try riding. Do you do the cooking? If so, does he cheat when you're not around? Nutrition is going to play a big role in this as well.

Going back to a question in your original post - why cycling over other exercise?

For me, it ended up being the most enjoyable by far. I tend to get hot/sweaty quickly, and when you're moving, there's always a breeze. :) Especially if you have a cycling jersey that's designed to absorb and speed evaporation. I can go out in 90 degrees, high humidity, and be reasonably cool. That's a huge factor, and one I'm still amazed with. I don't even like walking outside in weather like that, but on a bike it feels good.

A typical gym environment is pretty bleah... boring and sweaty. Running? IMHO, it's too slow to be fun. :)

Changing views, wildlife, friendly other participants, many more positives I just can't think of at 5am..

A person who is so massively obese in most cases didn't get that way because they drink one beer too many or a second helping. There is something in his head, in my opinion, that caused him to wall himself away in fat. He's the only one who can work to get whatever it is out. You can only help him; you can't do it for him.

I think Neil B. is right about this. Speaking only on an anecdotal level, I know a couple of people, now in late middle age, who suffered serious psychological trauma in their youth. From that "point of impact" onward, you can see the progressive change in their body mass in photos. It's really quite amazing - as children they looked like the rest of the kids in a class picture prior and then progressively changed year by year after the event. Almost an internalized "if I'm bigger, that will never happen again" aspect.

Well, enough of that amateur psycho-babble. Bird, good luck with husband. I know you have his best interests at heart and I hope you can succeed in helping him attain a healthier lifestyle.

Hi Heather

I have been reading this thread and reluctant to post because your story is very close to me only in my case it was my wife that had the major weight issues. I myself have been on the typical male upward spiral of weight gain for the last 25 years maybe a pound or two a year and then a moment of clarity and a new plan or hobby, activity to take some off and get back in shape. Then a slow repeat of the cycle. For me biking is a good cure and an activity that blends with my life well and works.

This forum is a great source of inspiration and there are many truly great success stories here kind of a mutual motivation. In my case yoyo weight loss and cure was a gradual cycle. My wife on the other hand was dealt a different hand and it took me much of my life to try and understand it. There are I believe so many reasons for weight gain in people some are physical and some are mental and I believe the physical changes the mental and also the other way around, until they get so intermixed you can’t tell them apart. Over the years I was supportive of at least 50 different plans I’m sure you know the names of them all. They all work to some extent and they all fail at some point the yoyo continues for them but unlike my up 10 down 8 up 12, we are talking about 50 and 75 pound swings that always seemed to end badly. I was always one that failure as lack of trying and calories in equal calories out etc. But after watching this for half my life I came to the conclusion there are some problems bigger and beyond some people’s control. I’m reluctant still to call it a disease but then again depression is a disease, and why can’t people just snap out of it, you know. I have no clue to your husband’s root of the problem but you are reaching out here and doing one of the many type of things I saw myself doing over the years trying to save another person.

At the age of 40 she had a doctor tell her an honest assessment of all her problems and he told her with most likely hood she wouldn’t make much past 45 to 50. The complications of excess weight compound fast and with each new problem the ability to fix it on your own become harder and less likely.

By 50 the attempts were still there I had resolved my health had to be a separate issue than my wife and almost all our activates were different.

This is the part where I’m going to tell you something that goes against the grain in a health related forum such as this and it even at the time went against my way of logical thought at the time but there are people that need a tool to tip the game in their favor, a tool that in no way makes it an easy way out but gives the person just enough of an edge to let them turn the corner. Just like buying someone a bike won’t make them ride it or get healthy if they don’t want it. This is something they have to do for themselves.

I know this post is getting long and it’s the first time I have ever told the story. Typing this last chapter could be a very hard and sad one to put in words but I’m happy to say it isn’t. My wife had a procedure done at the age of 52 called a Lap Band and that tool inside her along with a support group and excellent medical coaching had her lose 100 pounds in the first year. Stupid me at the 100 pound mark I rolled out her bike and said lets go for a ride. She still had trouble getting on it and stood frozen at the end of the driveway crying and got off. I didn’t know what to think and felt dumb for the suggestion and put the bike away for the winter. The next spring and about 60 more pounds and lots of walking later she suggested I get the bike out again. She took off and 17 miles later we returned saying don’t you want to go again later.

I have got to know dozens of people that went thru this surgery, many I have felt didn’t have the kind of problem that required such a drastic measure almost like cosmetic surgery. But the people I have met that tried and tried and failed and failed and hit rock bottom over and over. This was a very special gift of not just life but quality life for them and I wanted to share this with you.

Now if I could just keep up with her I would be happy. J

Bud 16415, that's a very nice success story. I wish you both many happy miles together. I think we all have "tipping point" stories to share- some medical, some life inspired, some bike inspired. It's good to hear lap band worked out so well. We all need something to help us get started down the road

Great post Bud.