Foo - Foo Letters To Santa

Dear Old Saint Nick,

What gives? Every year all I get for Christmas is a screaming wife, and a bunch of gift cards to restaurants I don't like. Olive Garden? Get real. If I want mushy pasta, I can open a can of Chef Boyardee. Anyway, I know you're not a saint anymore, so let's all drop the naughty and nice crap, huh? I really do try to be a good guy. I know I don't give money to bums at the freeway exits, but I did give one who was standing in the rain an umbrella and the sonuvagun tossed it down by the road and kept panhandling. But on the other hand I give $20s to the guys with the firemens boots at the stoplights and the same to the people at the pet store trying give away stray cats for $85. Anyway, I hadn't writ you a letter since since I was about 7 so it's overdue. All I want for Christmas is to be able to say "Happy Holidays" without some jackass trying to lecture me on the non-existent war on Christmas. I also want to be 22 again. OK 30. Just as long as it was before I got married. And more pics this year in Women of Foo. I'd like that. Lastly I'd like to be over the cold. A month is long enough. I'm really tired of coughing.

Cheer's and Happy Holidays,

-Dave

P.S. Make my wife STFU if you can't do the making me younger thing.

Dear Santa Claus

Stop watching me while I'm sleeping.


Sincerely,
Brandon

Dear Santa Claus

Stop watching me while I'm sleeping.


Sincerely,
Brandon

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... :twitchy:

SANTA IS A STALKER!! Check the chimney for hidden cameras. :eek:

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... :twitchy:

SANTA IS A STALKER!! Check the chimney for hidden cameras. :eek:

And the toilet just in case.

Dear Santa:

I a..um.. never mind. I don't want anything. Can you take some of the stuff in the house out?

Thanks, 2mb.

Dear Santa:

http://www.worldwidejetskis.com/lake_mead_jetski_rentals/images/giwfront1.jpg

http://dietplanworld.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/richard-simmons.jpg

http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1280&bih=881&tbm=isch&tbnid=sVr7Axi0daUmSM:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mint-leaves-2007.jpg&docid=6UWmI7p3Nz3DLM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b0/Mint-leaves-2007.jpg&w=1280&h=960&ei=gW3vTozjDKrx0gGT9M3CCQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=666&sig=102208095882173996494&page=1&tbnh=144&tbnw=192&start=0&ndsp=20&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0&tx=132&ty=79

Yours,
Spartacus

I've been good this year...I promise
http://beautiful-pics.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/miranda-kerr.jpg

I've been good this year...I promise

You know that she comes with baggage, right? nttawwt :innocent:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/0c/Orlando_Bloom_at_Venice_Festival.jpg/220px-Orlando_Bloom_at_Venice_Festival.jpg

Dear Santa,

Last year you forgot about us and if it wasn't for a Foo friend nobody in this house would have gotten nothing. Thanks God, this year is a little bit better... Anyway, I don't anything this year. I'll rather ask you to take something away. I'm sure my attic squirrels will be very happy with you in the north pole.

Please also take the "humane" have-a-heart squirrel "trap" that's in the attic. The squirrels enjoy playing with it a lot and I have no use for it.

If you have no room for the squirrels in your home/shop, please stop by my door and get me a Tikka T3 Varmit with a huge box of .223 ammo and a nice BBQ grill :)

Thanks, Rube'

gitarzan - give the gift cards for the resturants you don't want to go to the panhandlers on the street... I'm sure those fine dining establishments will be more than glad to cash them in for them!

Dear Santa:

Please help me to visualize whirled peas. I keep trying, and it makes a mess in the blender.

Dear Santa,

Can I maybe have a little more time in my days and some willpower so that I don't spend as much time on the bikeforums? Oh and if you want to take something, I could stand to give you maybe 20-30 lbs. without missing it at all.

thanks dude.

Dear Santa,

I just want a liver transplant for little Timmy and rehab for Mom and now that SueEllen's done moved out to Hollywood early release for Dad.

Thanks,

Your Friend

ahsposo

I've been good this year...I promise
http://beautiful-pics.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/miranda-kerr.jpg

You know the wifey won't let you keep so you should consider regifting. Just sayin':innocent:

Dear Santa,
Please give "The Rube" a kevlar vest so a hunting accident is not fatal and give Kim Jung Il an extra hot spot in hell.

gitarzan - give the gift cards for the resturants you don't want to go to the panhandlers on the street... I'm sure those fine dining establishments will be more than glad to cash them in for them!

What a great Idea!

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... :twitchy:

SANTA IS A STALKER!! Check the chimney for hidden cameras. :eek:

OR... This entire Santa business trains little kids to accept Big Brother watching them!:eek:

Anyway..

Dear Santa,
I'd really like a Light Saber this year. I mean a real one, that can cut its way through anything and anyone. Oh, one with a Red Beam would be nice, as I tend to crave power and whatnot. A Light Saber would really come in handy when I'm bothered on the road by teenaged males. I could really surprise the u-know-what out of them with a Light Saber.

Santa, I know how busy you are, but if you could manage it, I'd also like to be able to shoot force lightning. I know it's asking a lot, but this would also be a wonderful thing to able to do. I've been very, very good this year. Just ask anyone. Looking forward to Christmas morning. Thanks.

My question is:

What's with Santa and small people. He seems to have a thing for elves and children.

What's up with that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qcmCUsw4EQ

:)

Dear Santa,

All I want for christmas is to be able to sleep in.

Dear Santa,

My letters to god have been going unanswered and am wondering if you might be able to help me... and what I am asking for is not just for myself but for all of humanity.

Am really hoping that you could come and take away Justin Beiber and give us back Freddie Mercury.

Please ?

I've been good.

Attn: Mr. S. Claus

From: Dewey, Screwem & Howe, Attourneys

Re: Agreement #13579

Mr. Claus –

It has come to our attention that you and our client – Mr. RunningPirate – have engaged in an implied agreement in years past. In short, you have agreed to supply requested items to our client based on his ability to be “good”. We have been informed that while our client has fulfilled his part of the agreement and that you have yet to fulfill yours. To wit, over the past several years, our client has: Eaten his vegetables, cleaned his room, sat quietly upon request, brushed his teeth, and – most recently – did not cry while mommy was in the dressing room. In return for these services, our client was led to believe he would receive:

1) A pony;
2) GI Joe (with Kung-Fu grip);
3) A Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine gun;
4) A Gulfstream V, and
5) Hope Solo.

To date, our client has received none of these items. Please make any and all efforts to reconcile your account or we will be forced to take further, legal action.

Yours,

Dewew, Screwem & Howe, Attourneys for Mr. RunningPirate

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<------------- I know it's impossible but always worth asking for.

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<------------- I know it's impossible but always worth asking for.

Global orgy ?

Dear Santa:

Underneath my faux tree (thanks to an overly zealous siamese - I CAN'T HAVE ONE) ahem,

I would like to ask for a new digital camera. I have one picked out and I must say it takes the most lovely pictures. I will have so much fun taking pictures of the holiday events .

Or maybe after Christmas I shall gift myself. :)

I luvs me sales!!!!

Global orgy ?

A world united.

Dear Santa,

My letters to god have been going unanswered and am wondering if you might be able to help me... and what I am asking for is not just for myself but for all of humanity.

Am really hoping that you could come and take away Justin Beiber and give us back Freddie Mercury.

Please ?

I've been good.

Ummmm... Jim Morrison instead.. maybe?


Global orgy ?

I'm in!

.
.
.
.

<------------- I know it's impossible but always worth asking for.
Merry Christmas Siu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1kkx2m-JSg

My question is:

What's with Santa and small people. He seems to have a thing for elves and children.

What's up with that?

Maybe Hulk Hogan is the real Santa... I bumped into him and his little person entourage in a hotel at the beginning of the summer.

I tried to talk my girlfriend into a twoandahalfsome with this little firecracker (http://www.mcwusa.us/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=285&Itemid=198) but she wasn't having it.

Dear Santa,

I ask for nothing for me. But please bring a bicycle to everyone who doesn't have one, Oh, and a helmet. Speaking of helmets, please bring all the politicians in Washington a brain.

Thank you.

Artkansas

Dear Santa,

Per Artkansas' request, could you make mine a Yeti 575 size lg? Thanks.

Colorider

Dear Santa,

My letters to god have been going unanswered and am wondering if you might be able to help me... and what I am asking for is not just for myself but for all of humanity.

Am really hoping that you could come and take away Justin Beiber and give us back Freddie Mercury.

Please ?

I've been good.

I think you just won the thread.

A world united.

Sorry, war is too big a business.

hohoho

Hey . . . YOU, in the red suit!

I know you're just some old perv in a suit for the mall, but listen anyway: I want

. . .

A world united.

How about a world united, on bicycles, against Justin Bieber? Or global orgy.

Dear Old Saint Nick,

What gives? Every year all I get for Christmas is a screaming wife, and a bunch of gift cards to restaurants I don't like. Olive Garden? Get real. If I want mushy pasta, I can open a can of Chef Boyardee. Anyway, I know you're not a saint anymore, so let's all drop the naughty and nice crap, huh? I really do try to be a good guy. I know I don't give money to bums at the freeway exits, but I did give one who was standing in the rain an umbrella and the sonuvagun tossed it down by the road and kept panhandling. But on the other hand I give $20s to the guys with the firemens boots at the stoplights and the same to the people at the pet store trying give away stray cats for $85. Anyway, I hadn't writ you a letter since since I was about 7 so it's overdue. All I want for Christmas is to be able to say "Happy Holidays" without some jackass trying to lecture me on the non-existent war on Christmas. I also want to be 22 again. OK 30. Just as long as it was before I got married. And more pics this year in Women of Foo. I'd like that. Lastly I'd like to be over the cold. A month is long enough. I'm really tired of coughing.

Cheer's and Happy Holidays,

-Dave

P.S. Make my wife STFU if you can't do the making me younger thing.


Great letter. BTW, I'm local, in case I might like any of your unwanted gift cards. Though it sounds unlikely.