Jokes & Humor - The Marriage Joke Thread

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"
the man told his wife.

"Oh," she smiled wryly, "I'll miss you."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful! Soft drinks erode your stomach lining! Chinese food is loaded with MSG! Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water!

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

A foursome of Golfers were out on hte course and a womans funeral wnet past on the road near the course. One of the golfers stopped took off his hat and stood there silently while the funeral procession passed. when one of the other golfers commented that it was a nice thing to do he replied, "It was hte least I could do, she was a good wife all these years". (OK more a golfers joke than a marriage joke).

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were you when I got married?"

My wife typed "married" on her smartphone and it came up as "martyred". Smart phone indeed..............

^^^:thumb:

It's not who you know that's important; it's how your wife found out.

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was thousands of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

To the line of dominated men God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one had the balls to obey. Learn from him."

God turned to that one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"My wife told me to stand here.

Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?


A: Outlaws are wanted.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to murder your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different...You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Q: How do most men define marriage?

A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Old Roubicek is on the death bad.

He says: "Sarah, I am dying, may I?"

Marriage,not a word a sentence.

What's the definition of a bachelor?
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A man who hasn't made the same mistake once.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Marriage is no joke.

No, you're right. Serious business.

I'm all ashamed of myself.

It's Sunday morning service at the neighborhood church. All of a sudden, the front doors swing open with a big bolt of thunder and the Devil descends upon the congregation. Everyone starts screaming and running away. All, except for a little, old man, who sits in his pew as if nothing is happening.

The devil walks over to him and asks:


"Old Man, are you blind or something?"


"Nope, I can see just fine", says the old man.


"Well, do you know who I am?" the devil asks.


"Yup, I sure do", says the old man.


"Then why aren't you afraid and running away like the rest of them?"


"You don't scare me!" continues the old man. "I've been married to your sister for the last 47 years!"

Here's a toast to wives and sweethearts! May they never meet....

Q: What's the difference between Death and Marriage?

A: When you're Dead you don't wish you were Married.

Lady (somebody or other) to Winston: If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.

Churchill: If I were your husband, I'd drink it.

I read that on a page of insults years ago, and it's the only one I remember. The guy had serious talent.

Lady (somebody or other) to Winston: If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.

Churchill: If I were married to you, I'd drink it.

I read that on a page of insults years ago, and it's the only one I remember. The guy had serious talent.

Your writing will be celebrated long after Shakespeare's is forgotten, but not until then.
^^^
Also a Churchill insult.

My wife says I never listen, or something like that...

Your writing will be celebrated long after Shakespeare's is forgotten, but not until then.
^^^
Also a Churchill insult.

Isn't the exchange:

Woman : You sir are drunk.
Churchhill: And yuo madame are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

Attributed to Churchhill. (I think incorrectly).

That sounds like W.C. Fields...

So ahsposo walks into his ear, nose, and throat specialist and tells him "Doc, my wife is threatening to divorce me if I don't stop snoring". His doctor recommends a treatment that will be painful, but says he "will sleep like a baby...". Ahsposo says, "I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage", and agrees to the procedure. A month later ahsposo returns for a follow up. His doctor ask "How's things going?". "I'm divorced" replies ahsposo. "When you said that I'd 'sleep like a baby' I didn't think I'd wake up at 3:00, crying, with a load in my shorts"

So Dr. curbtender and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Ha, finally got my PHD...

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.



He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."



The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."



He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"



The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"



He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"



"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and screw all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only screw in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Screw You!"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

What is the most difficult year of marriage?


The one that you are currently in...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

"When you said that I'd 'sleep like a baby' I didn't think I'd wake up at 3:00, crying, with a load in my shorts"

Reminds me of the Dana Carvey line about how really old people and infants have essentially identical demands:

"Wipe my ass! I wanna watch cartoons!"

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

An old married couple walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

Once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous bonnaroo.

"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd that he really was."

Isn't the exchange:

Woman : You sir are drunk.
Churchhill: And yuo madame are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

Attributed to Churchhill. (I think incorrectly).

I believe Churchill said it, but someone else said it originally.

A strange funeral procession is moving through a small town. A long black hearse, followed by another long black hearse. Behind them, a solitary woman walking a pitbull. Behind her, dozens of women, all walking solemnly. A passer-by cannot contain her curiosity and approaches the woman with the dog.

"I am sorry for your loss, and I realise this is not a good moment to disturb you. But I have never seen a procession like this... Who died?"
"My husband. He came home very late, and very drunk, and started to demolish the house. He's done that before, but this time my dog attacked and killed him."
"And the second hearse...?"
"His drinking buddy and bestman from our wedding... he came to his help. The dog killed him too."

A moment of respectful silence.

"Can I borrow your pitbull?"
"Sure, just get in line." (pointing towards the end of the procession)

--J

My wife loves to have sex doggy style!!

That's where I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

(Originally attributed to G. Carlin, I believe.)

Only half a joke:

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Why do Jewish men die before their wives so often.





Because they want to.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

Followed no doubt by a Funeral Notice that reads something like... "he returned home stinky and drunk one night and fell over the house broom before landing on the kitchen knife... 37 times."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid 100 bucks for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to London too. I want to see you live on 200 bucks a year!"

A newlywed couple were coming to an agreement about having sex.

"If you wake up in the middle of the night and want to have sex, reach over and pull my pecker five times" said the man.

"What if I wake up in the middle of the night, but don't want to have sex?" asked the new bride.

"Then reach over and pull my pecker five hundred times."

^^^Nice...