Jokes & Humor - story about my neighbours dog

Hi all
I lived in rural Ireland and a bike was the only way to get around.
My neighbor was a loner and general malcontent, unfriendly dude.
He lived on the side of a steep hill and he had a young wild vicious and unleashed
alsation dog which chased anything that passed.Goin down the hill was grand but coming back you had to sprint up the hill. One evening coming home sprinting up the hill i could hear the dogs paws on the road right behind me , now i'm sprinting, big ring, full power, proper scared ,can't look around ,an he's still there i can't lose him.
A mile up the road an i'm exhausted and slowing but he's still right there on my back wheel, till i look around and realize it was the bobbles in the wind on my new jacket making a sound like the dogs paws on the ground.

nothing like scaring yourself silly! priceless.

ok, ok, here's one:

i am cursed with a hyperactive imagination. it includes aliens, mummies, zombies, etc.
i live in a 3 bedroom house by myself and prefer sleeping in the basement where the temperature is pretty cool and even year 'round.

i got up one morning and started toward the stairs in my sock feet. i had gotten several feet and realized something was following me. every step i took there'd be this shhhhhhhhoooooooop sound. took another step- shooooooop, another- shhhhhhooooooop. RIGHT BEHIND ME!

i am freaking out to the max. i KNEW there was an alien or mummy or an alien mummy reaching for me. tears in my eyes, but determined to meet it face to face ( or face to rags) and go to my doom like a (thoroughly terrified) man, i turned slowly around........and there was nothing there.

tachycardia is a medical term meaning 'racing heart'. oh, we're waaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond that. the shock of NOT seeing anything was as bad as the EXPECTATION of seeing something. both were near death experiences.

i'm looking at the floor, wondering. i turn to continue on (with knocking knees) and there it was again- shhhooooop.
i'm at the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE stage of hysteria now. since i hadn't seen anything i'm working toward logic (not one of my greater strengths). i stop and look down. nothing. turned, there it was again. shooop. i contorted my self to look over my shoulder and down and.........

i had stepped on a velcro strap of a sandal in the bedroom and it had stuck to one of my socks and i had been dragging the sandal with each step of my left foot across the carpet, thus making the shhhhoooooop sound.

i had to sit for a bit on the stairs. the adrenal letdown left me shaking pretty badly.

then laughed at what a goose i'd been.


another, and i'll stop:


some years before i had found a dead guy in the house, no foolin'. i'll spare the details (and no, i didn't kill him),
but it left a scar on my psyche. it was most traumatic.

fast forward to this story.

i came home filthy one day and shucked my dark blue workman's coverall and tossed it toward the laundry room (hey, i'm celibataire, french for a bachelor). headed out next morning, came home and headed toward the bedroom without turning on a light down there. it was dim, but light comes through a couple of casement windows.

i turned a corner..........and here's ANOTHER dead guy in the house.

i.........like..............to..............died. i'm telling you, my heart truly stopped. then i start crying, saying 'why do i have to find all the dead guys? it's not fair', etc.

i had backed up a bit and lost view of the poor soul. thought (i really need to STOP thinking) i should see if it was someone i knew. i peeked around the corner and..................

the coveralls i had thrown toward the laundry had landed stretched out, with one sleeve falling across the chest.

another sit down on the stairs.

Yeah it's pretty nice when you scare yourself half to death over nuthin.
A guy i worked with who was quite strange hung a dummy by the neck with overalls and boots so it looked like a suicide.This was at work and it scared the wits out of the poor guy who found it. Funny in a strange way but also very creepy.
As to the story above about the nieghbour when he died there where only neighbours at the funeral all his family where dead and gone.So the priest asked for some one to say a few words, but everyone kinda looked at the ground ,certainly no one stepped forward cos really no one knew him.
Any way the priest asked my father "C'mon J.P say a few words"
So he stood up looked around and with a shrug of his shoulders said "well his brother was worse"

in order to keep on thread i have to mention bikes. my second
bike was a girl's schwinn that had been my mom's.

ok, now to story...
when i was a kid my mom's folks lived in cranford, new jersey.
we didn't visit often, maybe once every few years.
the attic was heaven to me. my mom and one sister lived up
there as kids. really beautiful.
there was a small door accessing a crawl space in the attic.
i just knew there was something in there gonna get me if i
opened it, so i stayed away from that area. that feeling
stayed with me during each visit.

fast forward ~25 years. i rented the top floor of a huge house.
br on the east end and the kitchen was on the west. a landing
connected the two with one of those small crawl space doors
in between. i knew better than to open the door.
interesting how we can traumatize ourselves for life.
i had told several people about these two doors, including the
friend below.

years ago there was a tv show called tales from the dark side.
was watching an episode at a friend's house in which a college
girl rented a room in a guy's house. she asked about the closet
and he told her there was nothing in there.
one night she was in her nightgown, ready for bed, and noticed
the closet door was ajar.
she stood up and started to walk toward it.
this.....this...awful-looking pale arm snaked out from under the bed
and snatched at an ankle.
it missed, barely.........but my darn-near heart attack didn't! i came straight
up off the couch, going for the vaulted ceiling.
she didn't notice the arm.
days go by and sometimes the door is open, other times closed, one time
with toys in it. one time it had clothes hanging in it and she started pawing
through them, looking.
this thing jumped her from among the clothes. looked like a mini albino go-rilla
or something suffering with radiation poisoning and a bad case of acne.
it strangles her and i'm dialling 911 'cause i'm going down for the count, sho'.

fast forward a couple of weeks. that friend called and said he had a new model
railroad engine (ho scale) and thought it might be too long for the track curves
and wanted to come over and run it on my layout.
sure.
he goes downstairs for a bit, then comes up and says it's too long and he's
gonna return it. leaves.

i'm up 'n' down the stairs several times over the next few days, and then one
day i need something from the crawl space, the opening to which is a small
door on the landing where the stairs make a turn. i squat down to open it
inward........and it is already open a bit WITH A HAND PULLING IT OPEN.
the only sound i made was 'urk!' and i fell backwards down the rest of the
stairs, whacking my head on a stone sink. i frantically looked for something
to kill the intruder with and came up with a chunka (like my grammar?)
2x4. back up the stairs to do battle and.....it hadn't moved.
upon inspection i found it to be a rubber hand someone had put there.
the suspect list was rapidly narrowed to one because i hadn't had any
visitors since the 'friend' had come over.
i called him at 2 a.m. and woke him up to raise hell.

considering having a pacemaker installed.

This. Is. Unbelievable. Hahahah greatest stories I've ever heard! Good luck guys, hope these fears go away someday ;)

I used to sell security systems for large commercial buildings. I'd go into an abandoned department store or warehouse or multi-story office building a do a survey. Took anywhere from an hour or two.

One fine day, I was in an old Montgomery Wards that had been empty for about 15 years. Only a few of the lights worked, so I borrowed a small flashlight with dying batteries. I'm not a scaredy cat type o'guy, my nerves are pretty damn solid- until I opened the doors into the room where all the old mannequin parts had been dumped. Every adrenaline nozzle in my body fired off simultaneously while my lower half twisted 180 degrees to get a running start for the exit. My upper half was still gaping in horror at the scene of mayhem in front of me until I caught traction on the linoleum and made it about 50 feet before stopping in embarrassment. Still can't look a mannequin in the eye.

Another time I went to a 5 story build that again had almost no lights. There was an electrician's truck out front. This time, I was fine. The poor electrician who didn't anyone else was in the same locked building as him damn near died when he came around the corner and ran head first into me.

'-until I opened the doors into the room where all the old mannequin parts had been dumped. Every adrenaline nozzle in my body fired off simultaneously while my lower half twisted 180 degrees to get a running start for the exit. My upper half was still gaping in horror at the scene of mayhem in front of me until I caught traction on the linoleum and made it about 50 feet before stopping in embarrassment. Still can't look a mannequin in the eye.'

I ALMOST SNORTED PIZZA OUT MY NOSE! priceless!!!!! at last, someone else jumped by a mannequin.

dude.

a woman i know, who doesn't like me, has 2 kids (who do like me). the three of them were at a blockbuster video one night and bb had a contest going on to win a full size spiderman mannequin. they filled out an entry form.

a couple of weeks later she got a call during the day from bb saying they had won it. the kids were at school. she picked it up and when she got home she was trying to decide where to put it. finally settled on putting it in her son's bed with the covers pulled over it.

the kids come home, supper's over and the son says he's really tired and going to bed. it's winter, the hallway light wasn't on and he navigated by the dim indirect light from the living room. didn't turn on his light. got to the bed and thought there was someone in it.

lost his mind, almost. comes screaming out and climbs his mom, howling there's someone in his bed. mom pooh-poohs the idea.

his sister goes in, not believing her brother and pulls the covers off it's face. thought it was an alien and like to had an involuntary bowel movement right then. she, too, comes screaming out.

mom says you're both nuts.

she goes in the room, gives it a couple of seconds, then starts shrieking and thrashing around like it had gotten her. thumping the floor, etc.

the kids are in mortal terror and do their own shrieking.

she hangs it on her back, piggyback style, and comes floundering out of the room screaming that it's got her and for them to run for their lives. they try to hide from it, one jumps behind the sofa, the other is beating feet for the back door.

she sets spiderman down and starts laughing. the kids are NOT amused. she tells them they won the mannequin from blockbuster.

a couple of weeks go by and the kids are at my house for the weekend. the son didn't have much to say. when i returned them i asked the mom whether he was sick. she told me the story and said he hadn't been the same since. i thought she might take him to a shrink and she replied that she was enjoying the quiet, and if he wasn't better after 6 months she'd take him to someone to get him fixed.

i suggested putting it behind the shower curtain. 'psycho' in reverse. she laughed.

it ain't over yet- a month or so goes by and i'm returning the kids from a trip to cabela's. i go through the doorway and i get jumped by an alien. i caught it in my peripheral vision.

dude. I like to had an ibm (see above) my ownself. you know the fight or flight concept? i was trying to do both. i was gonna punch it in the nose, then run like hell. i knew i couldn't outrun the thing, but i figured i could slow it down a mite. i realized what it was just in time for my fist to slow down and very gently tap it on the nose. it was a pretty good jolt to my heart. they laughed, then the mom said she came home one night and saw a man through the living room curtains from her car, mostly in silhouette. like to give HER ownself an ibm AND a heart attack. then laughed when she remembered.

the son is 18 now and when the spiderman story comes up he says 'it's not funny' and gets real quiet. guess he really was traumatized 9 years ago.

as for the room full of mannequins- i'da been fire hosing, too, adrenaline AND urine.

there are things not to be messed with- dismembered bodies, aliens, mummies and zombies. vampires don't exist, so no problem there.

encourage me a little and i'll tell about the dead dude i found in my basement (true story). not the least bit funny at the time, but it got better with age (the story, not the dead dude).:D