How do teachers do it?

[AdrianB]

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

= = =

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

= = =

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

= = =

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

= = =

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

= = =

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

= = =

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

= = =

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . my Mom is a good cook.

= = =

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Morris: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

= = =

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher

[eubi]

Well, what a coincidence.

My wife is a teacher.

And I have a friend that lives in Adelaide that is a teacher.

[Hopper]

Wow another coincidence, I LIVE IN ADELAIDE. It hurts my brain.

[forum*rider]

heh, I like the last one :p

[iamlucky13]

Incredible. I have a BRAIN, and it sometimes HURTS. What are the odds?

"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." :D

[scottogo]

I have a coin in zi pants.

[MattP.]

lol, so of those are pretty good :)

[MsVicki]

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on
the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child
says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home."

[MsVicki]

Here is a good thread for elementary teachers:

http://kids.rrc.state.tx.us/rrccamp/3bears.html

(Change all the names and places and make a new story.)

[jeff williams]

My favorite is the chicken story.

After reading Chicken little to the 1st grade class, the teacher decided to quiz the class.

Techer: "Mary, what did the farmer say when Chicken Little told him the sky was falling?"

Mary: "The farmer said...HOLY $**T! A TALKING CHICKEN!"

Something like that.

[chicharron]

I have a coin in zi pants.
when I was in college, I would go to discoteques to pick up girls, and put a roll of quarters in my front pocket. (never worked) my friends told me to try a pair of rolled up socks the next time.

[jeff williams]

when I was in college, I would go to discoteques to pick up girls, and put a roll of quarters in my front pocket. (never worked) my friends told me to try a pair of rolled up socks the next time.

Have I got some SPAM news for you!!!

[MsVicki]

A first grade teacher had 25 gifted students in her class, and she presented each child with the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, even gifted ones! Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic! (Sounds like she has heard her mom talking!)


1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the........................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ....................... looks dirty.

7. No news is.................................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ...................................... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs.

13. An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .................................. not much.

17. Two's company, three's ...................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ..................... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one --

25. Better late than ....................................pregnant.

[MsVicki]

And speaking of hearing your mom talking, this is a true story.

I was working with a group of students in summer school many summers ago. One day I were sitting outside on a bench watching the kids during a short recess. One of my third grade girls came over to me and said that her mom was having a baby. I said "Wow! How exciting for your family!" To which she replied, "Yeah, well, we were gonna have daddy fixed, but we waited too late!"


(This was about 9 years ago. Today, this young lady is my son, Eric's girlfriend!)

[MsVicki]

Real Teachers

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

[AdrianB]

:)

[madbiker555]

This thread title is very misleading :D. Funny teacher jokes :)

[LittleBigMan]

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . my Mom is a good cook.
:roflmao:

[LittleBigMan]

Real students

Real students buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real students will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real students cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real students can't walk past a crowd of teachers without straightening up the line.

Real students never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real students have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real students are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real students wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real students have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master students can eat faster than that.

Real students can predict exactly which teachers will show up at open house.

Real students understand the importance of making sure their teacher gets a Valentine.

[titanium]

when I was in college, I would go to discoteques to pick up girls, and put a roll of quarters in my front pocket. (never worked) my friends told me to try a pair of rolled up socks the next time.

discoteques? is that a word, we call them disco's so i guess thats just short hand, reason im intrested is that my cousin in israel who does not know english calls them discoteques? i have an alrite understanding of hebrew, fairly fluent but im not sure if thats a word in hebrew or maybe he heard it on tv.

[AdrianB]

discoteques? is that a word, we call them disco's so i guess thats just short hand, reason im intrested is that my cousin in israel who does not know english calls them discoteques? i have an alrite understanding of hebrew, fairly fluent but im not sure if thats a word in hebrew or maybe he heard it on tv.

Disco is short for discotheque in plain old English.

[azesty]

Why did the student eat his homework?

The teacher told him it was a piece of cake :)

I always have a very lame joke like that for every day I teach. The student now expect it of me and I love giving them.

This one I really like because I am a maths teacher....

9 cats in a boat, one jumps out, how many are left?

none, they were all copycats :)

a

[MsVicki]

Enough problems already....

[MsVicki]

Ack!!

[MsVicki]

Hahahaha

[Prosody]

On the first day of class in elementary school, the teacher asks her pupils to introduce themselves. "What is your name," she asks of the little girl at the front of the room.

"My name is Sally," the little girl replies.

"Well, hello, Sally," the teacher says, "I'm glad to have you in my class.

The teacher asks the little boy behind Sally to tell his name: Billy. Behind Billy is Sam, and behind Sam is Rebecca. Eventually, the teacher comes to two little boys sitting at the back of the room.

"What is your name," she asks one of them.

"My name is $hithead," the boy replies.

"Oh my," the teacher exclaims. "We do not say things like that in school. Now, what is your name?

"$hithead," the boy replies.

"Young man," the teacher demands, "you tell me your name this instant, or I will send you to the principal's office."

"My name is $hithead," the boy says.

"OK, to the office with you!" the teacher insists, flustered.

The little boy stands up and turns to the boy sitting next to him. "Come on *****hole, she won't believe you either."

[Travelinguyrt]

BLESS the hearts and souls of ALL TEACHERS

[Dice183]

i thik my old tacher will kill me after i send it to em'