# Jokes & Humor - Math Jokes

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ChAnMaN
01-26-05, 10:27 PM
I love mathmatics and so i also love math humor..anyone else share this curse? Here is a pretty funny joke I found..not too math related but i will try and post more.

Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

Hopper
01-26-05, 10:35 PM
:roflmao:

[bEn]
01-26-05, 10:53 PM
haha thats a good one. :roflmao:

ChAnMaN
01-26-05, 10:56 PM
this one is a little more math related

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

[bEn]
01-26-05, 11:05 PM
Lol

ChAnMaN
01-26-05, 11:50 PM
Did you know that 5 out of every 4 people have a problem with fractions?

ChAnMaN
01-27-05, 12:32 AM
ok i actually came up with this on my own but youl need a graphing calculator and a remote understanding of quadratics to get it.

Q What did mathmaticion say when asked to describe a equation that most symbolizes his inner feelings?

A- (For the answer graph the following on a graphing calcultor in the standered window XY max 10, XY min -10..or if you have nothing but time you can do it by hand i guess)

Y=-5X^2 + 10

ChAnMaN
01-27-05, 12:50 AM
Q: What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin PI.

Hopper
01-27-05, 01:00 AM
im too lazy to get my graphics calculator, can you post a pic of the one you told above?

ChAnMaN
01-27-05, 08:08 AM
yeah im basicly trying to download a TI-83 onto my computer so i can graph it and post the pic.....if that doesnt work i guess i could do it on microsoft word...........anyhow ill get it up eventualy

kiwimtb
01-27-05, 05:27 PM
an american soldier was in iraq when he came across an iraqi who had a compass a protractor and a ruler.

this just proves that iraq does have weapons of maths construction.

Hopper
01-27-05, 06:49 PM
As a note, my maths teacher last year came from Iraq. He moved to Australia because he was shot 3 times.

way124
01-27-05, 10:58 PM
What did mathmaticion say when asked to describe a equation that most symbolizes his inner feelings?
I think it must be your feeling. Mathematicians I know are probably more like y = 0 :D

LordOpie
01-27-05, 11:02 PM
This is an audio daily double riddle, so reading it will ruin it, but you can tell people later :)

Q: What do you get before 'tea'?

A: t - 1

Hopper
01-28-05, 01:40 AM
There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

djbrod
01-28-05, 02:23 AM
There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

that's one of my favorites.

Here's and old one:

The liberal-arts major asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

flyingscotsman
01-28-05, 05:34 AM
that's one of my favorites.

Here's and old one:

The liberal-arts major asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

eubi
01-28-05, 07:46 AM
A math student studying for his Masters, a math professor and an engineer are each given the same difficult math problem.

After a short time, the math student solves the problem.

The math professor says: "I can't solve the problem because you haven't told me the accuracy you need."

The engineer says: "I used to be able to solve problems like that."

(eubi says: Yes, I've been an engineer for the last 25 years!)

iamlucky13
01-28-05, 09:06 PM
Why was the mathematician jumping up and down on the end of a cantilevered North-Shore ladder?

He was studying natural log rythyms.

(Bet ya didn't think I could work mountain biking into a math joke) :p

Stacey
01-29-05, 06:11 AM
Then of course theres always the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil. :)

ChAnMaN
01-29-05, 06:59 PM
"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

Baz
01-31-05, 07:12 PM
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician have gone out car-camping. Evidently, they bring several cases of beer. They soon discover, however, that due to a manufacturing error, all of the cans they've brought are missing the pull-tabs. In a group of artsies, this would be a disaster, however the three of them are ingenious. The physicist, understanding the properties of a liquid under pressure, sets his can by the fire until the heated water and CO2 expand enough to pop the top, and sips his beer happily. The engineer, unwilling to wait and not interested in warm beer, scouts around until he finds two appropriately shaped stones, uses one as a hammer and one as a punch, pops his can open and drinks heartily. The mathematician simply assumes the can is open and drinks.

eubi
02-02-05, 08:14 AM
This comment refers to post #13, with the graph.

The other day, a friend of mine was relating a particularly stressful encounter with another worker. He said he didn't know whether to give him the "binary four" or just leave.

It took me a second...

TrukTek2
02-02-05, 08:05 PM
There are three types of people in the world................those who can count and those who can't.

kiwimtb
02-02-05, 08:40 PM
true story

a boy is running late for his maths class. he sits down and soos a problem on the board assuming its homework he copies it down.
the next day he hands it in to his astonished teacher.
the teacher was astonished because it was supposed to be an impossible question.

kiwimtb
02-02-05, 08:42 PM
true story

a boy is running late for his maths class. he sits down and soosa problem on the board assuming its homework he copies it down.
the next day he hands it in to his astonished teacher.
the teacher was astonished because it was supposed to be an impossible question.

by soos i mean sees

iamlucky13
02-03-05, 03:32 AM
That late for class story was bugging me. I was almost positive it was about Hardy, but I managed to find from a surprisingly long google search that it was George Danzig. It was actually a list of a couple problems that were well known among mathematician's because they were unsolved even though many had tried. Danzig went the professor for help rather worried, because he had only been able to solve two of them.

iamlucky13
02-03-05, 03:46 AM
One thing most people probably don't know about Google is that it functions as a calculator. For example, if you type "2+2", it will return "2+2 = 4". If you type "cos(45 degrees)", it will give the answer 0.707106781.

If you type "the answer to life the universe and everything =" it's answer will be 42.

PM me to find out why.

a2psyklnut
02-03-05, 01:15 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

A: Elephant Rhinoceros Cosine Theata

Methos
02-03-05, 01:21 PM
One thing most people probably don't know about Google is that it functions as a calculator. For example, if you type "2+2", it will return "2+2 = 4". If you type "cos(45 degrees)", it will give the answer 0.707106781.

If you type "the answer to life the universe and everything =" it's answer will be 42.

PM me to find out why.

I googled the 42 thing and it's meaning. I remember discussing that in Philosophy class. I google to get conversions a lot.

LordOpie
02-03-05, 01:28 PM
One thing most people probably don't know about Google is that it functions as a calculator. For example, if you type "2+2", it will return "2+2 = 4". If you type "cos(45 degrees)", it will give the answer 0.707106781.

If you type "the answer to life the universe and everything =" it's answer will be 42.

PM me to find out why.
Why what?

kiwimtb
02-03-05, 09:19 PM
its in the hitchickers guide to the galaxy they build a super computer to figure out the meaning of life it takes 1000 years and comes up with 42

ChAnMaN
02-06-05, 06:40 PM
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the other......um....err

KnightWhoSaysNi
02-06-05, 08:30 PM
If you type "the answer to life the universe and everything =" it's answer will be 42.

And it takes less than a second. Which makes google 233280000000000 times faster than Deep Thought.

iamlucky13
02-06-05, 10:14 PM
Not likely. Google probably just has the answer cached. They may claim they calculated it, but I seriously doubt they actually multiply 6 x 9 to get 42 when you make that query.

Someone in the math department has a hilarious comic about mobius strips. I wish I could find a copy online, but I may have to swipe it and scan it.

LordOpie
02-06-05, 10:20 PM
its in the hitchickers guide to the galaxy...
That's the "why"?

I'd be surprised if anyone posting in this thread hasn't read HHGG.

JavaMan
02-06-05, 10:28 PM
I came up with these back when I was in college majoring in physics:

"He wouldn't know his asymptote from a hole in the function!"

The trigonometric functions: signer, cosigner, tanger and cotanger

LordOpie
02-06-05, 10:30 PM
"He wouldn't know his asymptote from a hole in the function!"
that's very good.

zbicyclist
02-06-05, 10:44 PM
true story

a boy is running late for his maths class. he sits down and sees a problem on the board assuming its homework he copies it down.
the next day he hands it in to his astonished teacher.
the teacher was astonished because it was supposed to be an impossible question.

I had something similar happen to me. Unfortunately, it turned out I wasn't a brilliant statistician. The teacher had made a typo which made the problem easily solveable.

INP
02-13-05, 01:51 AM
If you take the nxn invertible matrix, A, multiply it by the inverse of A, A*-1, you obtain the identity matrix. Multiplying by A again, what do you have??

A(A*-1)A = A - the matrix reloaded :p

GeezerGeek
02-13-05, 08:29 AM
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were lined up side by side waiting for a race to begin. The prize was a pot of gold waiting for them on the other side of the room. While they waited, the judge picked up a sheet of paper and read, “The rules for this race stipulate that in the first 5 minutes you are only allowed to go half way across the room. In the next 5 minutes you are allowed to proceed one half of the remaining distance. Similarly, in all successive 5 minute intervals you are only allowed to proceed one half of each of the remaining distances. If you go further than you are allowed you will be disqualified.”

The mathematician reaches in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He furiously writes a formula for the problem, plugs in the distance to the other side of the room and discovers there is no real solution that will enable him to win.

The physicist tries to calculates how long it will take to reach the other side and realizes that it will take an infinite amount of time. He knows he would not live long enough to finish the race and gives up before starting.

When the whistle signaling the start of the race blows, the engineer runs to the middle of the room and stops. The mathematician and physicist just laugh at him and leave but the engineer doesn't care. He just keeps going halving the distance every 5 minutes.

Several hours later they all meet again and the mathematician and physicist see that the engineer is carrying the pot of gold. They couldn't believe it and simultaneously asked, “How did you get the pot of gold?”

The engineer said, “I knew I could never reach the other side of the room but I figured that if I got close enough I could just reach out and grab it.”

ChAnMaN
02-13-05, 11:28 PM
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."

ChAnMaN
02-13-05, 11:28 PM
Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails

ChAnMaN
02-13-05, 11:34 PM
Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

eubi
02-22-05, 05:06 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

A: Elephant Rhinoceros Cosine Theata

Hahaha. I told that one to one of my favorite engineering professors (many, years ago...) and it stopped him cold! Only a few people will get that one. OK, Here's a corillary...

What do you get when you cross a mountain with a mountain climber?

Ah-ah-ah! Can't do that! A mountain climber is a scalar.

iamlucky13
02-22-05, 06:35 PM
Hahaha. I told that one to one of my favorite engineering professors (many, years ago...) and it stopped him cold! Only a few people will get that one. OK, Here's a corillary...

What do you get when you cross a mountain with a mountain climber?

Ah-ah-ah! Can't do that! A mountain climber is a scalar.

Brilliant!

I'm afraid I have to point out though that an elephant crossed with a rhinoceros gives you elephant rhinoceros sine theta.

eubi
02-22-05, 08:25 PM
Brilliant!

I'm afraid I have to point out though that an elephant crossed with a rhinoceros gives you elephant rhinoceros sine theta.

Ah! You are correct! I just read the joke, remembered the punch line and didn't even read it!

What a bunch of math geeks we are!

Hey, I like limericks, too. The math ones are clean...

A mathemetician named Klein,
Thought the Möbius band was devine,
He said: "If you glue,
The pieces of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."

Any others?

eubi
02-24-05, 11:54 AM
There once was a girl named Bright;
Whos speed was much faster than light.
She left one day,
In a hurredly way,
And arrived on the previous night.

scottogo
02-24-05, 02:37 PM
Hickory, dickory, doc.
Two mice ran up a clock.
The clock struck one.
Wasn't the other lucky?

eubi
02-24-05, 04:34 PM
Hmm. OK, they are supposed to be math limericks, since this is the math jokes thread.

Let's try another...

A mathematician confided,
That the Möbius band was one-sided.
"And you'll get quite a laugh;
If you cut one in half,
'cause it stays in one piece when divided!"