Touring - Selfish or not

I am struggling with a dilemma I have the equipment, time and funds to do a long tour. My dream tour is the northern tier. My issue is leaving my wife, home and dog for three months without feeling like I am being terribly selfish. My wife says she is OK with me going but would be very jealous because she doesn't think she could do it and she doesn't want to leave the house and dog for that long. So how do you deal with something like this.

Very simple. You get a tandem with touring braze-ons. The dog is not the issue.

Or - -
The Northern Tier generally parallels Amtrak's Empire Builder and Lakeshore Limited routes.
She could ride short sections and then have extended periods by herself.
You know - terrible places such as the San Juan Islands, Glacier NP, Chicago, or the Adirondacks.
And you can always find someone to house sit with your dog.

Or - -
The Northern Tier generally parallels Amtrak's Empire Builder and Lakeshore Limited routes.
She could ride short sections and then have extended periods by herself.
You know - terrible places such as the San Juan Islands, Glacier NP, Chicago, or the Adirondacks.
And you can always find someone to house sit with your dog.

That is a fantastic idea. One that I may have to put to use for the Pacific Coast to get over my own wifely and kidly hurdles.

Or - -
The Northern Tier generally parallels Amtrak's Empire Builder and Lakeshore Limited routes.
She could ride short sections and then have extended periods by herself.
You know - terrible places such as the San Juan Islands, Glacier NP, Chicago, or the Adirondacks.
And you can always find someone to house sit with your dog.

That is a brilliant idea I am going to have to look into this.

Solo touring is inherently a selfish activity. I am rarely on tour for more than 3 weeks at a time, partially for that reason. Plus, I get homesick. :cry:

Consider breaking the x-country into 3 or 4 segments, interspersed with time at home. Anticipating, planning, staying in shape for the next segment is fun. When it's all done, it'll still be a cross country. You'll have 3/4 journals instead of just one.

The Amtrak idea should work too. Be win-win for you both.

Good luck.

I am struggling with a dilemma I have the equipment, time and funds to do a long tour. My dream tour is the northern tier. My issue is leaving my wife, home and dog for three months without feeling like I am being terribly selfish. My wife says she is OK with me going but would be very jealous because she doesn't think she could do it and she doesn't want to leave the house and dog for that long. So how do you deal with something like this.

Not knowing your whole story, I don't know, but... I know that I have repeatedly done longish tours leaving my wife and my dog home. I never felt bad about it. In my case my wife isn't interested in bike touring and doesn't get much vacation time any way. Fortunately my wife is very supportive of my crazy trips.

Very simple. You get a tandem with touring braze-ons. The dog is not the issue.

We had a tandem and in the interest of domestic tranquility it had to go :) actually we had some of the best and worst rides on that bike but in the end it just wasn't our cup o tea.

12bar
We had a tandem and in the interest of domestic tranquility it had to go actually we had some of the best and worst rides on that bike but in the end it just wasn't our cup o tea.

I understand. This is how my wife and I visualize life on a tandem.
http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy112/Doug64_photos/Europe%202011/IMG_2703-1-1.jpg

I understand. This is how my wife and I visualize life on a tandem.
http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy112/Doug64_photos/Europe%202011/IMG_2703-1-1.jpg

Wonderful picture.

I love the idea of tandem rides with the spouse, but suspect he's right to steer away from it.

That is a brilliant idea I am going to have to look into this.

A veteran of the entire Northern Tier and the western part to Glacier, N.P. a second. You could fly into Seattle, ride to Glacier, go up and back down the west side of Going to Sun, ride back to Whitefish and take the Empire Builder back to Seattle. If you have more time, you could continue east to Shelby, MT and catch the train back to Seattle. That would allow you to see Waterton Village in Canada. There is a dramatic towne campsite there. Just keep in mind that to take your bike on Amtrak, you need to board and detrain at stations that have checked baggage servivce.

Following ACA's Pacific Coast route to the Northern Tier, you could do Seattle to Glacier and back to Whitefish in about 17 days, not including any rest days, without killing yourself. Both times I took two rest days in that stretch. Winthrop, WA after the tough day over the North Cascades Highway and Sandpoint, ID. I probably could have done without Sandpoint. Seattle to Shelby could be done in about 22 days including a day off in Waterton Village. (There is a boat ride/hike combo you can do from town that I hear is really nice.)

Solo touring is inherently a selfish activity. I am rarely on tour for more than 3 weeks at a time, partially for that reason. Plus, I get homesick. :cry:

Consider breaking the x-country into 3 or 4 segments, interspersed with time at home. Anticipating, planning, staying in shape for the next segment is fun. When it's all done, it'll still be a cross country. You'll have 3/4 journals instead of just one.

The Amtrak idea should work too. Be win-win for you both.

Good luck.

This is my situation as well...seems that 3 weeks is the limit before my wife starts to worry.

It's tough not to feel guilty when doing a long, fun tour, but I find it helps to switch perspectives. How would you feel if your wife wanted to go on a dream three-month trip (touring, hiking, whatever)? I don't want to answer your question for you, but I suspect you'd be very supportive and happy that she was embarking on a trip she always wanted to do.

This is my situation as well...seems that 3 weeks is the limit before my wife starts to worry.
Three weeks is kind of short for me, but I do also have a limit that way only time limit is a bit longer. I really don't think I want to be on the road from much more than a Trans America length trip which was 73 days for me. Riding around the world or even being on the road for a year don't really appeal to me. Trips in the 1-3 month range seem pretty nice.

At the short end of the scale, I am not opposed to doing a 10 or so day tour here and there. Weekenders and over night trips don't appeal to me very much though.

How would you feel if your wife wanted to go on a dream three-month trip (touring, hiking, whatever)? I don't want to answer your question for you, but I suspect you'd be very supportive and happy that she was embarking on a trip she always wanted to do.
To the OP, if that isn't the case then you should feel guilty, otherwise no.

I face the same dilemma. I would love to ride cross country but my wife would probably feel left out. The expense would be another issue as it would probably cost more than we usually spend on joint vacations. I may have to wait until my wife retires, which will probably precede me by several years. That way my wife would have the choice of riding along in a car or railroad, if she desires. The main problem with that is the slow pace of riding vs driving, and I think she would get bored with the pace.

I've learned to stop asking questions when my wife tells me she's OK with something.

I face the same dilemma. I would love to ride cross country but my wife would probably feel left out. The expense would be another issue as it would probably cost more than we usually spend on joint vacations. I may have to wait until my wife retires, which will probably precede me by several years. That way my wife would have the choice of riding along in a car or railroad, if she desires. The main problem with that is the slow pace of riding vs driving, and I think she would get bored with the pace.

On the cost issue you may not find it will "cost more than we usually spend on joint vacations". I actually have sometimes found that my bike tours actually wind up costing less than staying home as long as I do not have to factor in any lost wages. Without exception they cost less per day than any joint vacation I have ever been on. The savings in gasoline alone amount to quite a bit. Granted that will depend on your touring style.

On the idea of having a wife tag along in a car...

First, I suspect that you will find that having a car in the mix negatively impacts the whole touring experience in a very fundamental way. You will lose the independent feeling of traveling without a car, you will have the temptation to skip riding the more boring parts, won't be able to stay in hiker biker sites, you won't mix with the locals or other tourists as much, and you will miss out on the offers of hospitality and other kindnesses. The cost will go way up. Gasoline isn't cheap. Then there are logistics, how to you get the car to the beginning and from the end of the tour? You could rent a car but again that adds to the cost.

Second, it is likely that your wife will be bored and feel put upon as a result of day after day in towns with a population of 50 where all she has to do is shop for you and do your laundry. It might be bad enough that at times those chores may be the highlight of her day. I met quite a few wives driving sag and almost all seemed to resent it after a while.

IMO it would be much kinder to leave her home.

Edit: The Amtrak option seems like it would be hard to make work if you are riding the whole route. You will not see each other very often, decent Amtrak stops will not coincide with the NT all that frequently and it will coast a bundle for your wife to stay alone in the places she will wind up. It is likely she will want a room and the rates will be high in many of the places mentioned, she is also likely to want a rental car many places along the way. It will cost a bundle over a 9-12 week tour and she will not see you for the large majority of the time. BTW Amtrak does not allow dogs so she wouldn't be able to bring the dog along, if you were considering that.

I am struggling with a dilemma I have the equipment, time and funds to do a long tour. My dream tour is the northern tier. My issue is leaving my wife, home and dog for three months without feeling like I am being terribly selfish. My wife says she is OK with me going but would be very jealous because she doesn't think she could do it and she doesn't want to leave the house and dog for that long. So how do you deal with something like this.


If you know she would be jealous, you also know that going on this trip by yourself without her will be the end of your marriage.

So, either you don't go, or you come up with a compromise which can include both of you. If she feels she can't leave the house and dog for 3 months, maybe she can fly/drive/train out to meet you for a couple weeks for part of the tour, then return home for a few weeks, then fly/drive/train out to meet you for another couple weeks, then return home for a few weeks, etc.

Or maybe ask her how she would feel about driving sag ... she drives from town to town while you ride. I know there are some here who don't think this would work, but it can, especially if she has other interests. For example, coming across Idaho yesterday, we stopped in at the Craters of the Moon park. In your case, you might ride right past that, while she could go do some of the hikes there, cycle around the park, like we did, explore, etc. ... then drive on to your night's destination to meet you. That way she could take in shopping, museums, historical and natural places of interest, etc., while you ride.

Or maybe she would like to fly to Europe for several weeks with her best friends, while you're cycling across the US.

But you'll have to talk to her and find out what she would like to do.

12bar, ask this question on a neutral forum or a forum about marriage, you will get the true answer. This forum is going to be completely biased in your favor of going.

My personal feeling just from what I read is that 3 months is too long to be having a personal vacation while your spouse has to carry the entire responsibility of running the house. I did a tour for a month without my spouse and probably will never do it again like that, it really was unfair on her.

I understand. This is how my wife and I visualize life on a tandem.

One of the most learned folk on the tandem forum noted to the effect that "a tandem will take your relationship with your spouse to whereever it is going to eventually go (to a good place or to a bad place) faster that anything else"...

In the interest of having some hope, I recommend couple which find that they are incompatable on a tandem to drop the issue for 10 years and give it another try at that time (if they are still together otherwise).

I like the idea of asking on a marriage-related forum.
Three months seems way too long to me, but everyone is different. I have a couple of happily married friends who have spent months at a time living in separate countries. I know someone, not even a cyclist most of the time, who thought he'd like to use the time between graduating and starting work to bike the Southern Tier. If I remember correctly, his wife flew out around halfway, and they spent a few days together.
For my part, my wife and I have taken separate vacations a couple of times, because of availability of time off and other factors, but I think they max out at a couple of weeks. Also for the last two years, we have taken a week off together at the beach, but I leave a few days early on my bike, and we meet up at the coast. So short trips, a camping weekend, or a trip to visit family are not a big deal, but I'd have reservations about doing a longer trip. But everyone is different.

I had my wife drive sag once when I toured up north to Inuvik and other northern sections. She was well aware of the potential boredom, and as an experienced outdoors traveler, knew what to expect and what was expected of her. It worked out very well, but I don't think it would be something I would ask her to do when touring through major cities and along busy unfamiliar hwys. Most of my solo trips are 2 or 3 weeks, a couple being a bit longer, but as "staephj1" says, I'm not interested in trips much less than 10 days.

I am struggling with a dilemma I have the equipment, time and funds to do a long tour. My dream tour is the northern tier. My issue is leaving my wife, home and dog for three months without feeling like I am being terribly selfish. My wife says she is OK with me going but would be very jealous because she doesn't think she could do it and she doesn't want to leave the house and dog for that long. So how do you deal with something like this.

you could take 1 1/2 months and loop through Alabama and Georgia, from your door step and back again. or take a train to dc and ride back home. just because your dream tour is the northern tier, doesn't mean you need to do it, especially at the risk of alienating your spouse.

People who want to hike the way of St James, Santiago de Compostela, ending in Spanish Galicia,

do what part time allows , then come back another year
and do the next portion.

You could do the same for your Northern Tier Quest.

the Amtrak connection makes that Practical.

Another option-- switch plans completely, get a house/dog sitter, and take your wife on a bike tour of the Rhine Route in Europe. It would probably cost the same as some of the other options that were suggested. It is a route that would be very hard not to enjoy. Amenities are plentiful along the route, the terrain is relatively gentle, and at the end, or almost anywhere along the route, a train ride will get you back to the airport.

However, don't give up on your dream. Who knows bike touring is addictive, and your wife may just get hooked.

I am one of those fortunate people who has a wife that is a "hard core" bike tourer. We've completed several multi-month tours and have a bucket list that will probably out live both of us. I did a lot of solo tours before we got married, but I really think that if I were going solo today, I'd probably last a month. It isn't that I don't enjoy solo riding; it is just so much more rewarding sharing it with someone.

Another option-- switch plans completely, get a house/dog sitter, and take your wife on a bike tour of the Rhine Route in Europe. It would probably cost the same as some of the other options that were suggested. It is a route that would be very hard not to enjoy. Amenities are plentiful along the route, the terrain is relatively gentle, and at the end, or almost anywhere along the route, a train ride will get you back to the airport.


Having just done the Rhine Route a couple months ago ......... it was not easy to enjoy. Rowan and I were not impressed. It's not too bad in The Netherlands, and you might get a decent day of cycling around St Goar, but other than that, it was actually pretty bad.

I would not recommend taking someone there for a first tour ... it could very well be the last tour!


However, if the couple were to go to Europe for a cycling tour, I'd recommend the Velodyssey Trail on the west coast of France ... MUCH, MUCH better.

An alternative to a tandem that might not have crossed your mind is an electric assist bike. That's how my husband and I did the TramsAm together, he's got COPD & lung lymphoma. Of course that means indoor lodging cuz you have to plug it in at night, but your wife will probably like that :)

Having just done the Rhine Route a couple months ago ......... it was not easy to enjoy. Rowan and I were not impressed. It's not too bad in The Netherlands, and you might get a decent day of cycling around St Goar, but other than that, it was actually pretty bad.

A little OT but,

Machka,

What was it about the route that you did not like? People's experiences are different. That is what bike touring is about.

The real point was to do a tour that both he and his wife would enjoy.

A little OT but,

Machka,

What was it about the route that you did not like? People's experiences are different. That is what bike touring is about.

The real point was to do a tour that both he and his wife would enjoy.

1. Way too industrial.

2. Inconsistent paths with unclear directions which required constant focus and attention in order to avoid sustaining an injury while riding, and in order to stay on the route and not get lost.

3. Route which took us into some really unpleasant areas.

4. Unpleasant campgrounds.

5. Lack of scenery.


As I say in my story ... http://www.machka.net/RTW_2012/RTW_Europe_Main_2012.htm

"I'd highly recommend looking into ferries/cruises rather than cycling the entire route. Take a folding bicycle so that you can use trains easily as well if you want. Take the ferry from one scenic area to another, skip all the industrial stuff, and when you dock in a scenic area, either do a little day ride, or maybe cycle up or down river to the next town and then get back on the ferry. Less stress, more enjoyable."

I also summed up our experience on the Rhine Route after my August 19th entry in the story.


There are much better, more enjoyable choices out there. :)

The Moselle, for example, would probably be a better route from the bit we saw and cycled ... or the Velodyssy Trail ... or even parts of the North Sea Route in Scotland. Just a few examples.

But bringing it back to the topic at hand ...

To the OP ... talk to your wife. Find out if she would like to do some sort of touring or travelling by bicycle or by some other transportation. Find out where she would like to go, and what she would like to see and do.

You could, for example, do a series of hub-and-spoke tours. Suppose she would be all right with being away from the house and dog for a month ... drive to a scenic spot and do a series of rides in different directions from there for a few days. If she wants to ride with you, she can, if she would rather take in some other sights while you cycle, that would work too. Then drive to another scenic spot, and repeat for the month. Then maybe you could do a point-to-point tour for the next couple months arranged so that she could join you on a couple weekends.

But talk to her and see what she would like to do.

My issue is leaving my wife, home and dog for three months ...

Three months IS a long time to be away from your dog.

I used to be big into climbing and it ended my marriage. One of my dreams was to climb Denali and the timing worked out that it was going to be right after I got done with a 7 month trip for work. Came back from the job, spent a tense month with the wife, took off to Alaska, came back and she was gone. Machka isn't kidding when she says it could end your marriage. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. What sucked most was she used a kitchen knife to stab the divorce papers through my autographed photo of Reinhold Messner. :(

I love touring and the idea of a trip like the one the OP is suggesting sounds wonderful. For a single person with the time and funds to make such a trip work, it would be ideal. But the OP is not on his own. Being married changes the equation significantly.

I realize every couple is different, but if it was me, I wouldn't consider so long a trip, and especially not if it would make my wife jealous. I say this as a widower. My wife died nine years ago. I've had some amazing bike tours since then — tours I would not have felt good doing when she was alive. Today, I've been planning a short winter tour. But if I could have her with me once again, I'd gladly give up bike touring.

You're going about this all wrong. Get a sidecar, or perhaps one of those kid carriers, and bring the dog.

Find new wife on experience of a lifetime trip.

Some folks have the bike bug, others don't. But maybe you can convince her it's a one-time deal that you have to get out of your system. Plus you going solo would seem to be better than her going along & not enjoying it. Saw a tv show about a family that sailed around the world together (dad's dream) & the rest of the family hated it. It got to the point where they were all at each others' throats & then the boat hit a reef, the mast broke & crushed dad's leg...he nearly died before getting last-minute medevac...the ordeal brought them back together.

Anyway, with smartphones etc you can keep in touch all the time. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Good luck!

If it´s just you getting a three month trip and your wife having to hold down the fort, then it´s selfish. BUT... here´s another suggestion. It sounds as if you´re financially stable, so why doesn´t your wife take her dream vacation when you´re back and let you run the home and take care of the dog, etc?

The situation is reversed for me. Hubby is the one who has to stay home while I wander off on my bike. He has zero interest in traveling by bike or driving a SAG vehicle. Besides, we have household help for the garden and cleaning (this is Mexico, it´s affordable) so someone has to be at home on their work days and also to care for our 5 dogs. In return, he goes off on his "Old Fart Reunions" back home in the UK (Army reunions) or he goes to visit family. He´s happy and I´m happy. We often travel together, but we each have very different interests when it comes to travel so this solution works well for both of us. It also gives us some time away from each other which everyone needs every now and again.

We had a tandem and in the interest of domestic tranquility it had to go :) actually we had some of the best and worst rides on that bike but in the end it just wasn't our cup o tea.

Not every couple can ride a tandem, and even fewer can tour on them. We've done tandem touring and a big issue is gear, you have the storage capacity of a single being shared by two riders. We've kept our tours short used a CC.

I don't feel qualified to give you any advice, I was married three times 8^(

The only consolation is that now I can ride whenever I want...

You've gotten some good ideas from others here. Let us know what you decide!