Jokes & Humor - Men and Women

I never quite figured out why the natural urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not going to be getting lucky tonight either.

:roflmao: ...Are those diamonds you're munching, rockmuncher?..... :roflmao:

:p :p :p EDITED in:

hey muncher, here ya go

"an old man, who was a handsome man in his younger days...was very, very wealthy. He wanted for nothing, not anything at all - he met a young, attractive woman, he married her because of how he felt when he was with her. However, and after a while, he wondered...so finally he asked her .

'honey, I am not a handsome man, some might say unattractive, and yet I have you, a beautiful, attractive woman...a woman who could have any man she desired and yet you chose me.... I wonder honey, if I lost all my money today, or was the ultimate philanthropist and gave it all to charity, even sold my home and went back to where I started from...Would you still love me?'

The woman thought for a time, and finally said...Honey, you are my reason for being, my love, my world, without you I am nothing...and said YES, I WOULD STILL LOVE YOU - but, I would miss you"


This story was told to me by an old man, very wealthy just before he passed on...leaving everything to his younger wife... :rolleyes:

sleeping on the couch tonight eh:D?

blech.

this one's for lala :)

Proof that all girls are evil:

First we state that girls require time and money:

Girls = Time * Money


extrapolating further, where "Time is Money":

Girls = Money * Money = Money ^ 2


it follows that if "money is the root of all evil", then

Girls = Money ^ 2 = sqrt(Evil) ^ 2


therefore

Girls = Evil

Revenge is sweet.

Worlds Shortest Fairytale:

A guy askes his girl to marry him. She says "no".
And they all lived happily ever after.