Jokes & Humor - One Liners

I was just wondering what some of the best one liners(not pick up lines) and snappy come backs you have.

When out riding the trails with my mountain bike buddies, on the return trip with multiple possible routes, Kevin always says, "I know a shortcut, but it takes longer."

"$hit happens!"

"Only around you 'cause you're an @$$hole."

I'll delete if any ones offended.
I made it up on the spot and used it once.

"easy trigger"

"You never tell me you love me...you do love me don't you?"

"Well baby, love is like a sunrise....every morning you want to wake up to a new one."

Made it up, never said.

One that I've adopted from a co-worker:
'Quantity is a quality all of it's own'

I think it's funny when people put low fat milk in their coffee. I prefer the taste of full-fat. 'If I was worried about my health, I wouldn't be drinking coffee.' or 'I'm on a high fat diet.'

When people ask me if I got wet from riding in the rain (brilliant question Einstein): 'Only on the outside.'

One of our engineers described one of less costly products as being, "super non premium". He rattled it off quick and I had to back him up to get what he was saying.

No one ever goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded.

If you dont know the answer....
"That's an interesting question, well presented".

The last two are killing me!

I was working in a paper mill in Quebec when a welder ran into the foreman's office with his nose bleeding and swollen:

Welder: Scott, a hot piece of slag went up my nose!

Foreman: So how'd it get past your finger?

Q: What time is it?
A: You mean now?

When some one really ticks you off, simply tell him/her that "if you go wash your face first, you can kiss my a**!" That person won't think its funny, but everyone else in the room will!

When some one really ticks you off, simply tell him/her that "if you go wash your face first, you can kiss my a**!" That person won't think its funny, but everyone else in the room will!


I'm using that one for sure.

I'm using that one for sure.


When someone tells me to "kiss their ass".....I say: "move your nose".

When someone tells me to "kiss their ass".....I say: "move your nose".


that's priceless! I love it!!

Here's another one:

I'm trying to see your side of it, but I don't think I can get my head that far up my ass!

If your a smoker

nonsmoker: I don't like u smoking it bothers me

Smoker: Yea well its killling me

What's your sign?
"Dagerous curves ahead"? -Collin Mocherei(sp?)- Whose Line is it Anyway

My friend showed up late for math 2weeks ago(he works for a brewery):
me: Why're you late?
j: beer emergency.

hmm... I know I have more. I'm out for now

At the end of a night friend says: "Take er easy"
I respond: "Hey man, if you can take er easy, take er twice!"




Whenever we are out drinking and one of my friends has to leave he says: "Well, I'm off like a prom dress."

"No s#!t Sherlock:


Dig deeper Watson

haha i like all of these

here's one i like to use every now and then when the situations are right

....................so watcha gonna do?

or "thats what she said" Use it after someone says something dumb. Like give me that, or get off of me for example.

If your still in school this is a funny one if your one of those immature guys/gals. Whenever the teacher says any tense of come..came..coming make a funny sound like a farting noise but if you get where I am going and you do the right sound it is really funny when the teacher doesn't catch on.

If you ask a question and the other person replies, "how longs a piece of string?"
reply, "twice the distance to it's centre"

"Good from afar but far from good."

"Nothing a bit of sticky tape can't fix"

"Nothing a bit of sticky tape can't fix"

Did you mean duct tape...cause that stuff can fix anything.

If a man makes a statement in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?


- or -

In a recent survey conducted by the National Academy of Mathematics Teachers, it was determined that four out of three American students have an inadequate grasp of arithmetic.

or if someone is ticking you off just say. "hey hold your breath for your inflatable date"

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect... Why practice?

On a friends workbench: "even if you're shooting low, you're still aiming too high"

"Why do I have to take English, I'm never going to England" (I can't say this one anymore)

one of mine: If you always aim low, no one will expect more of you

If you ask a question and the other person replies, "how longs a piece of string?" . . .


Nah, How Long's and chinaman. . .

Years ago a student of mine created the logically perfect pick-up line. I doubt that it would work, though:

F*** me if I'm wrong, I know you.

curiosity killed the cat...but for awhile I was a suspect

I am 6'6"

Do you play basketball?

I say... No, do you play miniture golf?

I am against picketing ....but I don't know how to show it
- Steven Wright

Someone else: "I'm unique. When God made me he broke the mold"
Me: "Yeah, it was the first known instance of quality control!"
:D

Whenever we are out drinking and one of my friends has to leave he says: "Well, I'm off like a prom dress."

I was doing a rock wall climb yesterday, the supervisor (?) strapped me into the hip harness. After my climb attempts, I couldn't quite figure out how to unharness myself.. he says to me:

"It's quick and easy, should come off like a prom dress."
- "I don't think I can get this over my head when my legs are strapped in"

He certainly got a good chuckle.

One of my favorite toasts -

If the whiskey don't kill me I'll drink 'til I die.

I have a theory about pretty much everything. And I think I know why…

Drinking kills brain cells...

...BUT ONLY THE WEAK ONES!

My 2 responses to the people handing out pamphlets on the street.

"No thanks, I'm driving"
or
"Sorry, I quit last week"

Always produces a puzzled stare.

Rather than getting into an arguement with somebody I say "I'd love to get into a battle of wits with you but I don't fight the handicapped."

My 2 responses to the people handing out pamphlets on the street.

"No thanks, I'm driving"
or
"Sorry, I quit last week"

Always produces a puzzled stare."

Nice ones! I can hardly wait to use those!

An interviewer with a wooden leg said to Frank Zappa: "With your long hair, from where I'm sitting you could be a woman." Zappa replied: "Well, from where I'm sitting you could be a table."

A camping buddy of mine works for the NJ government in some office. He came up with the best tag line for government work "we waste time so you don't have to"

I was just wondering what some of the best one liners(not pick up lines) and snappy come backs you have.
hey, c'mon. there's people who pay me for my jokes, why do you think you're gonna get 'em for free?

When someone asks me "do you know what" I answer, "no, but I know how".

Q:"Are you going to have the project finshed on time?"

A:"As far as you know."

One of the best responses to use for most questions. Very versitile. :)

A few I've heard that I love:

Jesus loves you......but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole!


I think the error is between the keyboard and the chair.


Blackholes are where God divided by Zero.

If I stumble while walking, I always quickly spout out:

First day on the new feet!

Ok...this one is really vulgar so forgive me...but I did use it once on a girl who I was trying to flirt with (when I was about 20) who just rudely dissed me.

Biatch....I've stepped over better looking girls than you looking for a place to "jerkoff".

"Football combines two of the worst aspects of American life - violence punctuated by committee meetings."
-- George F. Will

Getting philosophical...


Use what talent you possess - the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.
Henry Van Dyke

Good for bicycles and/or motorcycles. When some chick yells "Hey, how about a wheelie!", reply with "A wheelie's like a *****, it's only worth popping for someone special."

why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

in theory, reality and theory are very close; in reality, theory and reality are very far apart. (that one hurts the head if you think too hard about it)

lets make like a hockey player and get the puck outta here.