Jokes & Humor - Does anyone know any good jokes?

Well I might as well start it off, so here we go...

One day a guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of change sitting on the bar. He asks the bartender what it was for and he replies, "If you can make the donkey sitting in the corner laugh, you get the jar of change." So the guy goes and whispers in the donkeys ear, and the donkey bursts out laughing. He walks to the bar and then leaves with the jar of money. The next day he goes back to the bar to find another jar of money. He asks the bartender what he has to do to get the jar of money and the bartender replies, "If you can make the donkey cry, you can have the jar of money." So he goes up to the donkey and takes him to the bathroom. When they come out of the bathroom, the donkey is crying. The guy goes up to the bar and takes the jar and leaves. Then next day he goes to the bar again to find no jar on the bar. He goes to the bar and orders a drink instead. While drinking, the bartender asked him how he made the donkey laugh. The guy says, "I told him I had a bigger penis than him." Then the bartender asks him how he made the donkey cry. The guy replies, "I showed him."

Eighth grade, right?

2 Antennas got married. The wedding was okay, but the reception was excellent!

Man we are SAD!!!! :rolleyes:

Yes they just get lamer and lamer by the minute.

oooo oooooohh I got one,


A guy walks into a bar.....










OUCH! :D

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.

The bartender looks him over and says 'You know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?'

'Yeah I know', the guy replies, 'it's driving me nuts.'

Ha, ha, plop!

Ha, ha, plop!

Two laughing my head off is better than one.

A seal walks in to a club.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out---well, read on. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day to women just like you and me.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of June 3rd, four years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal! Who would have done such a cruel thing? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again! My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity.

Then my poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of. This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night.

Warn all your friends!!!!!



** Wait, that isn't funny. :mad:

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bard, drinking beer. Jim turns to Rob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

What's the difference between booogers and spinach?



Kid's don't eat spinach.

How about this one...

A rich guy decides to buy a car one day and he takes his trusted houseboy with him. He picks a BMW. His houseboy request for bicycle and the boss is in the mood and so he gets him a fixie. But of course the fixie will not ride in his new BMW. They agree the boss towing the houseboy on his bike for the 40km or so journey. They are doing a casual speed of about 25kmph when an SUV blast by. Well just like most of us ruins our training just because some guy blasted by on a bike and we have to make sure we are the best, the boss could not quite comprehend the idea of being blown by an SUV. He is now doing 100kmph completely oblivious of the fixie guy he is towing.

It was later reported that a cop was taken to mental facility after he continually insisted that a BMW tried to catch with an SUV but couldn't and there was this fixie guy who kept on signaling the BMW driver to stay aside so he can teach the SUV driver a speed lesson.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.

The bartender looks him over and says 'You know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?'

'Yeah I know', the guy replies, 'it's driving me nuts.'


This one of my favorite stupid jokes, it makes me laugh everytime I hear it!



Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out---well, read on. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day to women just like you and me.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of June 3rd, four years ago. . .

** Wait, that isn't funny. :mad:

Ya gotta laugh, or you'll be crying!


Here's a favorite of my oldest daughter's. She loves telling it becaust it pisses people off. . .!

What's brown and sticky?
**
**
**
**
A stick!

ha!
I just saw this.... too good.

http://www.ilovebacon.com/041405/e.shtml

If you like bad jokes then heres one.

A guy walks into a bar and under his arm he is carrying a bucket of blacktop. The bartender is like what do you want? The guy's like I'll take a JAck Daniels, one for here and one for the road.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

... and my favouritest stupid joke of all time...

What's red and looks like a bucket?
















A red bucket.

a priest, pedophile and ****** walk into a bar...



...wait, that's just the first guy. ...

Two South Texas farmers *deleted the rest*


Haha, that's one of the best I've heard lately. Gotta remember it :D

ha!
I just saw this.... too good.

http://www.ilovebacon.com/041405/e.shtml

Do ya ever wonder if someone gets online, sees that pic an' says "AAAAAAK! I know that butt and it's my girlfriend's/wife's!"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Control Freak. Now you say: 'Control feak who?'"

Two Irishmen walk out from a bar

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?


To keep their nuts dry.

How do you circumcize a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

Two Irishmen walk out from a bar


Why were wheelbarrows invented?


To teach Irishmen to walk on their hind legs.

Three pieces of string wanted to get a drink but a sign on the bar said "We don't serve strings!"

The first string unraveled himself and went inside. The bartender said, "You are a string aren't you. We don't serve strings." The string left.

The second string tied himself into a round bulging knot and went inside. The bartender said, "You are a string aren't you. We don't serve strings." The second string left.

The third string tied himself into this intricate knot, untwisted all remaining threads, and then walked into the bar. The bartender looked him over for a long time and then said, "You are a string aren't you." The string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "These
particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."

The old lady had been married for many years when
suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on his
tombstone:

The Light of My Life Has Gone Out.

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and
married another man.

After thinking at some length about it, she went to
the gravestone cutter and had him add a little
postscript.

The tombstone now reads:

The Light of My Life Has Gone out
P.S. I Found A Match

People don't like to look dumpy in their own
snapshots, which is why my husband, a professional
photographer, gets a lot of requests asking him to
retouch photos. You know, erase the crow's-feet, lop
off the love handles, etc.

So I wasn't surprised when one woman, pointing to a
family portrait, asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds
off me?" until she added, "And put it on my sister?"

Company was coming over and I was frantically trying to get our house
ready. I was also driving my family crazy, barking out orders to pick
up, help set the table, and not to mess up the living room.

While I was cleaning the kitchen, I realized I'd pushed them too far.

"Mary," I snapped at my 12-year old daughter, "WHERE'S THE BROOM?"

"I don't know, Mom," she fired back. "Where'd you put it when you
landed?"

*Daddy...?*
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Hahaha.

Like the Bill Engvald bit about when his son asks what is "petting".

He nervously explains (in front of his wife) to his son what petting is.

It turns out the son wanted to know what PED XING was...

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble
yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles
the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train
passes and the whole cupboard collapses.

Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the
instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the
cupboard collapses again.

Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite
impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.

The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes
and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected
event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside
it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.

At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and
says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.

The technician says. . .
"You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train!"

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric
chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured
he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid
$10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge
to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of
manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a
great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury
to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

What do dogs say when they sit on sandpaper?





##rough, rough##

Yes, I know it's wrong.....

Stanley died and went to heaven. When he got their, St. Peter told him he would show him around. St. Peter took him down a corridor and they stopped by the first door and looked in. St. Peter showed him a group of methodists gathered around a woman playing bells.

They continued walking and talking and stopped by the next door, and St. Peter told him this was a group of catholics.

They then continued on, and as they approached the next door, St. Peter told Stanley to be quiet since "this is the Southern Baptists, and they think they are the only ones up here."

Didja hear about the two gay Irish men?



Michael Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzmichael.

What causes 4 out of 5 forest fires?








Buddist chipmonks!

What causes 4 out of 5 forest fires?


Buddist chipmonks!

Ogay, I'll bite. . . Please explain this joke to me!

self immolation

Buddist monks in Viet Nam use to protest by lighting themselves on fire.

Hahaha.

Like the Bill Engval bit about when his son asks what is "petting".

He nervously explains (in front of his wife) to his son what petting is.

It turns out the son wanted to know what PED XING was...

"
(something about driving and son asks a question)
'Daddy, what is petting?'
'Well, when a man and a woman love each other...*dramatic pause* like your mom and I do *laughter*, well they'll hug, and hold hands, and they'll kiss, but sometimes,son, that's just not enough.'
And he's looking at me with this wierd look on his face and I'm like, 'Wait a minute, boy, spell the word...'
He goes, 'P-E-D X-I-N-G.'
'That'd be a crosswalk, son.' *laughter*
'I know that but what was that other thing you were talking about!' *laughter*
And I look over at my wife and she goes 'Oooh no. You threw the line, you reel it back (not sure about the wording on that part exactly) *laughter* "

There you go dad :D

There were three women in heaven. WHen St. Peter was showing them around he said not to step on the ducks. Well, one of the women was corious and stepped on a duck. St. Peter flew in with the ugliest man they had ever seen. He said"this is who you live with for the rest of forever." The other two were really careful about stepping on the ducks. Finally one stepped on a duck by accident. Sure enough St. Peter flew in with another ugly man. The last woman was really carful. One day, St Peter flew in with a beatiful man. She said" WHat did i do to diserve you?". the man said" i dunno, but i stepped on a duck"

Okay I got one:

What's the difference between karate and judo?















Give up?



Answer: You can't make bagels with karate.

:B

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him" Hey Bud, why the long face?"

A polar bear walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

The polar bear thinks for a minute. "I'll have a gin."

"And tonic," he adds.

"A what?" says the bartender.

"A gin." says the polar bear. The bartender reaches for the bottle.

"And tonic," says the bear.

"I can make you a gin and tonic," says the bartender, "but why the big pause?"

A Hispanic guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.

The bartender says, "That's cool, where did you get it?"

Parrot says, "Mexico, they're everywhere!"

These two Texans decide to go hunting. One of the hunters sees movement in a bush, fires, and goes over to see what he has shot. He is horrified to see he has shot his hunting partner. He whips out his cell phone and call 911 and explains he has shot and killed his best friend. The 911 operator asks if the hunter to check and make sure the man who has been shot is dead. The operator then hears a loud bang and the hunter returns to the phone to say, "He is now, whats next?"

A bicyclist was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The bicyclist took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the bicyclist took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The bicyclist said, "Look, I'm a avid bike rider I ride all day every day, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"

******************************************************

An old bicyclist in full raceing kit went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the bicyclist and asked, "Are you a real bicyclist?"

He replied, "Well, I spend my whole life on bike, I ride 200 miles a week, I own 10 bikes and 20 jerseys I have 1400 posts on the Bike Forums, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the bicyclist and asked, "Are you a real bicyclist?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."