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04-12-05, 06:18 PM
Friday, April 8, 2005 (SF Chronicle)
JON CARROLL
Jon Carroll
The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print
it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth,
no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am
pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has
your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought.
Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism --
14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head
hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God
talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power
to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic
expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever
happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by
nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the
eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans
in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them
to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques
is a great idea?
Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no
disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the
committee of the whole for further discussion. We are Unitarian Jihad.
We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a
blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or
whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the
record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that
Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be
reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and
personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of
terrorist-like actions.
We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and
broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance
by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but
her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We
will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress
like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as
Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to
read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We
have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just
because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your
motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or
comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park.
Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in
the sense that the world is out to get everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is
out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian.
There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that
we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But
this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling
Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners
committee. People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can
strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will
appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again!
There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare
themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.
People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Michael row the boat ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull
the boat onto the dock, and come visit with jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
Copyright 2005 SF Chronicle
JON CARROLL
Jon Carroll
The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print
it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth,
no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am
pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has
your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought.
Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism --
14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head
hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God
talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power
to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic
expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever
happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by
nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the
eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans
in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them
to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques
is a great idea?
Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no
disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the
committee of the whole for further discussion. We are Unitarian Jihad.
We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a
blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or
whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the
record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that
Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be
reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and
personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of
terrorist-like actions.
We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and
broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance
by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require
people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love
suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but
her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We
will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress
like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as
Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to
read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We
have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just
because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your
motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or
comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park.
Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in
the sense that the world is out to get everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is
out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian.
There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that
we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But
this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling
Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners
committee. People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can
strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will
appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again!
There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare
themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.
People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Michael row the boat ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull
the boat onto the dock, and come visit with jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
Copyright 2005 SF Chronicle