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Clydesdales/Athenas (200+ lb / 91+ kg) Looking to lose that spare tire? Ideal weight 200+? Frustrated being a large cyclist in a sport geared for the ultra-light? Learn about the bikes and parts that can take the abuse of a heavier cyclist, how to keep your body going while losing the weight, and get support from others who've been successful.

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Old 02-03-08, 08:46 PM   #1
Neil_B
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"Inspiration"

Two Clydesdales pedal down the Perkiomen Trail, one ahead of the other.

"Are you OK, Dennis?"

"Yeah, just have to catch up to you."

"If possible, of course."

"I'll try, but I don't know if I can catch up. Gee, Neil, you are just so - inspirational!"

"Thanks. You know I hate it when people call me that. Left here."

"OK. Why?"

"Because talk is cheap. People say I'm inspirational, and then they forget about what I'm doing and what I've done."

"Yeah, but-"

"They say, Oh, you're an inspiration, and don't change a thing in their lives."

"But Nei-"

"It's cheap talk and an empty compliment that lets them forget they need to deal with their real problems. It's-"

"Yeah Neil, that's YOUR problem."

"Huh?"

"You're thinking you're responsible for what other people do. If someone calls you inspirational and never exercises, it's not your fault. The only person you are responsible for is you. Other people need to solve their own problems. And they'll do it, or they won't."

"OK, then what about everyone looking at what I do, how far I ride, my exercise, my eating? Whenever I slip up and eat too much, gain a pound, get lazy and don't ride?"

"Screwing up is your problem. What they think doesn't matter. You lost a hundred forty pounds for you. Not for them. Not for me. For you. You got quiet all of a sudden."

"It's hard for me to admit you are right."

"Yeah that's a shock!"

"But you are right. Traffic has a red light. Let's cross."

"Look at that truck driver. He's texting with one hand, cup of coffee in the other. What's he steering with?"

"I sense one of your incredibly vulgar comments coming on."

"Driver must be hung like a bear."

"Thank you for sharing. My senses were correct again."

"Was that wrong?"

"It was very wrong, Dennis."

"YES!"

"I always can count on you to lower the level of the conversation."

"You're gonna put this on your blog, aren't you?"
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Old 02-03-08, 09:03 PM   #2
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Thanks, Neil! I just gave myself a coffee nasal lavage
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Old 02-03-08, 09:06 PM   #3
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lol great share. I hope to be inspirational to a few of my over weight gal pals.
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Old 02-04-08, 11:48 AM   #4
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Thanks, Neil! I just gave myself a coffee nasal lavage
Well, too much coffee is bad for you.
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Old 02-04-08, 11:50 AM   #5
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lol great share. I hope to be inspirational to a few of my over weight gal pals.
Dennis is pretty inspirational himself. Between the two of us we lost 220 pounds.
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Old 02-04-08, 01:12 PM   #6
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Dennis is pretty inspirational himself. Between the two of us we lost 220 pounds.
Wow, you two lost a clydesdale between you! I must now put this on my blog...
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Old 02-05-08, 08:34 PM   #7
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Thanks, Neil! I just gave myself a coffee nasal lavage
Here's more:

"OK Dennis, so you've read a few blogs. You are ready to start bike blogging."

"I'd have to find the time. And then get a fancy digital camera. Then I'd have to write ride reports like you do. You know, brag about how many miles you ride, and then list the hills you had to walk."

"Shut up."

"Neil says, ' I rode ten miles today, and I only had to walk 27 hills!'"

"Shut up Dennis. I never wrote anything like that."

"Between walking those hills and calling your blog "Historian on Two Wheels", you've guaranteed you are never gonna get laid."

"That's not why I'm blogging."

"Obviously."

***********

"Neeeeil!"

"Dennis, long time no see!"

"Welcome back. When was the last time you were here?"

"I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks. Since before Christmas."

"You'll get it back. Start coming regularly and throw on lots of plates on the machines. Remember, pain don't hurt. A wise man told me that."

"Yeah, Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse."

"Great movie. So what have you been doing?"

"I was on a four day bike tour with Neil over Christmas."

"Yeah, where did you go?"

"Our route was Philadelphia to Doylestown to Bethlehem and then home."

"Did you wind up in Georgia?"

"Very funny. After the tour I did some more riding, including riding my age on Saturday. That was tough. I was with Neil, and at the end his headlight failed. I had to call out road obstacles to him because he couldn't see them."

"Pothole!"

"Yeah, like that."

"Bear!"

"No bears in New Jersey. By the end of the ride I was seriously bonked."

"Whoa Neil! I knew you could do it. How old was she?"

"No, bonked means a lack of energy in a cyclist from a lack of food."

"Oh. But what I thought of can tire you out too."

"If you say so."
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Old 02-05-08, 08:46 PM   #8
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This is hilarious
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Old 02-05-08, 09:47 PM   #9
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Bonked. Heh heh heh.
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Old 02-05-08, 11:03 PM   #10
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"No bears in New Jersey.
Without wishing to derail this thread (because it's hilarious ), I did want to point out that the big, dark, sharp-toothed furry animal road hazard you encounter in NJ really could be a bear!

Q. So, how many bears are there in New Jersey today?
A. Division biologists have calculated a 2003 population estimate of 947 bears for the Eastern region and 543 bears for the Western region. The total population estimate for the approximately 580 square mile area adequately sampled was 1490 bears, or 2.56 bears/sq. mile, at the start of the 2003 bear hunting season. Division biologists have determined the 2005 population estimate for the same 580 sq. mile research area to be 1606 bears. Division biologists have not extrapolated the estimates throughout bear occupied range in NJ.


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Old 02-06-08, 06:34 AM   #11
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This is hilarious
"I can't believe you put that on your blog, Neil."

"What's that, Dennis?"

"That thing I said about your butt."

"That it got smaller, and that you can tell because you always draft me?"

"Yeah that. It makes me look bad."

"You need little help, my friend."

"And I don't draft you."

"Gee Dennis, then why do I need to look backward to see you when we ride? And were are you now? Behind me."

"That's because I have trouble keeping up with you."

"Oh come on. You are much stronger than me and a better rider. Are you saying you can't keep up with 13 MPH?"

"I could, but you can do 13 whenever you want. I don't usually ride that fast. So I need to fight to keep up. And especially at the end of a ride. Did the wind become a headwind again?"

"It always does on the trip back to Valley Forge. Hmm, Neil said the same thing this weekend. He said my endurance was better than his, although he was faster than me."

"The graffiti pictures on his blog are great."

"Yeah. Getting back to the subject of your mocking me again..."

"When do I mock you?"

"When you praise me for my butt."

"Well that's not the only change you've had happen. Look at those arms."

"These pipe cleaners?"

"You've built some triceps there."

"Dennis, that's loose skin."

"That's hanging beneath. But up top is muscle. Neil's got a horseshoe!"

"A what?!?"

"A horseshoe. That indentation the muscle makes when it flexes. Darn, the trail is muddy. Now my fenders are dirty."

"My heart bleeds for you. Look, a grundsow!"

"A couple of them. Look at that big one. Stay away from it."

"It looks pretty old."

"Yes, it's the silverback grundsow."

"There is no such thing. You made it up."

"Patience, grasshopper. One day you will understand."
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Old 02-06-08, 06:38 AM   #12
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This is hilarious
Heard this morning on the Schuylkill Trail:

"Hey Neil, look at that. A whistle-pig. How cool is that?"

"What?"

"You know, a whistle-pig. A grundsow."

"Dennis, what are you talking about?"

"That little fellow on the trail edge."

"You mean the groundhog?"

"Yeah, the grundsow. That's what they are called in Berks county. A grundsow or a whistle-pig."

"A grundsow."

"Yeah, it's Pennsylvania Dutch."

"That grundsow had better get out of my way, I'm about to try to stand up on the bike. Uhhh! I can't get up."

"That's what happens when you spend too much time on a bike seat. Aw, he's running away. Come on Neil, let's follow him. Singletrack! I know how you love that!"

"I'm not prepared for offroad riding, Dennis."

"Come on, that's a multifunction bike."

"It's a multi-disfunction bike."

"No, that's the rider."
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Old 02-06-08, 07:00 AM   #13
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This is hilarious
16.40 miles on the Perkiomen Trail, the bike path at Green Lane Park, local roads, and singletrack. Yes, singletrack. I made the mistake of listening to Dennis and following his suggestion of a shortcut "path" back to the trailhead. His "path" was an abandoned hiking trail along the Perkiomen, complete with overhanging trees, poison ivy, rocks, and a three foot wide gully that he suggested I try to ride across.

I wasn't entirely pleased to be taken mountain biking on my non-mountain bike:

"You have wide tires, you should be able to handle this."

"Look Dennis, just because I have fat tires and my helmet has a visor doesn't mean this is a mountain bike."

"I don't have a mountain bike. That's not stopping me."

"Yeah, you have the world's first off-road bike with fenders."

"I love my fenders. Listen to the rocks bounce off them! You should get fenders too, since you have those pan-thingies on the back - what are they called?"

"Panniers. It's French."

"French. Couldn't we call them something else?"

"Like what?"

"Anything but something French."

"I don't know.... freedom bags?"

"YES! Freedom bags! It's perfect!"

"Ok, freedom bags it is. By the way, if we both survive this trail, I'm killing you."

"Come on Neil, isn't this fun?"

"It is fun, but I'm killing you for taking me on this just the same."

"This is much better than riding on the road with those damn cagers!"

"I'm sorry I taught you that word, Dennis."

"Almost done. We're almost there."

"Remind me to get some new friends when I get off the trail."

"You'll never get another friend like me."

"Isn't that a comforting thought."
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Old 02-06-08, 07:52 AM   #14
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Are these true conversations or fictitious? I only ask because I hope they don't run out.
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Old 02-06-08, 08:01 AM   #15
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Are these true conversations or fictitious? I only ask because I hope they don't run out.
Yes, they all took place. Including this one:

"...and because elephants are being poached for their ivory, up to 20 percent of African elephants are being born now without tusks. And these elephants are angrier and meaner than normal elephants."

"So why are they so mean, Dennis? Do they have tusk envy? Darn. Why do I keep stopping at stop signs in a high gear?"

"I don't know Neil, that can be hard to learn. You've only been riding a few months. It took my kids nearly a week to learn that."

"Ha ha. Oh look, a grundsow."

"Where?"

"There, on the side of the road, covered with flies."

"That looks more like a raccoon, but it doesn't matter much now. It's hamburger now. See how man destroys nature?"

"Dennis, you are the only Republican environmentalist I know."

"I'm not a Republican. I'm just a right thinker."

"Was that a pun?"

"What?"

"Never mind. So are you carrying a gun on your bike?"

"No, just pepper spray and the hunting knife. But speaking of guns, can you believe the NRA is supporting background checks for mental illness?"

"Probably a reaction to the Virginia Tech tragedy."

"This after fighting against against such things for years. I am so p*ssed. I sent them an email saying, "How could you do this?"

"What a horrible thing, preventing a nutter from buying an assault rifle."

"And I've supported them for years! I can't believe it. I #@*%$# can't believe it."

"Watch the language please. Do I need to borrow Nancy Pelosi's "mother of five" voice to keep you in line?"

"I don't listen to my own mom, why would I listen to her?"
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Old 02-06-08, 08:23 AM   #16
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Bonked. Heh heh heh.
At one point on the trail, we came across a small sign marked "Deaf Dog Area." "I guess we can insult the dog without hurting its feelings," I said. And right on cue Dennis came up with "Hey dog, your mother was a *****!"

On the way back we were discussing my non-existent love life. "Perhaps you should try a new approach. Come up with a new line."

"Ok. Dennis, you know right now I'm not wearing any underwear? Why did you ring your bell?"

"That was a rim shot."

While drafting me, Dennis shared some observations on my scoliosis. "Your right shoulder is all scrunched up and forward of your left. I've never seen anything like it. What's that bulge? Is that a bone sticking out? Neil, that squeak isn't coming from your bike, it's coming from you!"

Only a true friend could abuse me in such a manner....
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Old 02-06-08, 08:29 AM   #17
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Thanks, Neil! I just gave myself a coffee nasal lavage
Just a quick exchange we had after I showed up at the gym following a hot, sweaty ride:

"Neil, I read about a cyclist who cut himself shaving his legs, and he got flesh-eating bacteria and died. "

"I'm glad I didn't shave my legs, Dennis. I gotta change and do some lifting."

"Why change? This is a gym. We're all supposed to smell as bad as you do."
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Old 02-06-08, 09:31 AM   #18
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I wouldn't be able to ride with you guys. I'd be falling of my bike, laughing.
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Old 02-06-08, 10:17 AM   #19
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I know what ya mean, Scummer
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