DoninIN

My girlfriend often says that the problem with anti-depressants is that they allow you to endure what's wrong with your life, which prevents you from fixing the problems. There is some wisdom in that. However, stick with your doctor, or counselor don't just bail on that kind of treatment, it can be lifesaving.

That said, beg, borrow or steal the strength, time and courage to get out there on that bike and let it rip, exercise is a wonderful for your peace of mind and clarity of thought. For me, patience in the rest of my life is largely earned in the saddle. (If your fitness, and knees will allow running is kind of great to, although you never heard that from me, I only run when being chased.)

CommuteCommando

One last thought, and to amplify on what I said earlier about food. It sounds like a major stressor in your life is financial. Been there done that, as they say. I have only one word to say on that.

Beans!

Really. On a budget, they are healthy, filling, and cheap. Buy the bulk dry beans and learn to cook them. It is labor intensive, but if you wife isn’t working it will keep her busy, and keeping busy is also a good thing. Supplement with fresh produce. Avoid the prewashed “fresh pak” stuff and buy the whole stuff from the bins. It is cheaper and healthier. All of those salmonella and e-coli outbreaks in the last several years involved the packaged stuff (something the agribusiness controlled media failed to mention). Wash it, get a good knife and prepare it yourself. Once you guys get good at it, it can produce a feeling of accomplishment, and that really helps depression.

Meat is expensive, and you can do without red meat, especially the really cheap stuff from fast food. Chicken and canned tuna a few times a week will give you all the animal protean you need, and is pretty budget friendly.

If you are having trouble in your relationship, you will have to work on that. The relationship I have with my wife is not easy, and I can infer from your description is troubled for different reasons. We have both found that humor often diffuses tense situations. My wife is very outgoing and has a large circle of friends when she needs to get away from me. I have my bike and (thanks to her) a few friends. I cannot tell you how to deal with the issues in your relationship, because I do not know the two of you. I just hope that what I have told you about mine might help.

Penny4

Is your primary doc prescribing your meds, or a psychiatrist? I can't believe how many friends I have who tell their PC docs that they are anxious, and the doc just prescribes xanax no questions asked. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist, perhaps that would help dial you into the right meds.
I finally admitted i was depressed this year and i needed help. I went to a psychiatrist and she started me on a very low dose of meds. They have helped me in the sense that I am no longer spontaneously bursting into uncontrollable tears, but i have not pursued therapy, which, as others mention, is so key in treating depression. I know i need to take that step.
I have friends, but like you, i don't want to lay my burdens on someone else. I've gone through life saying "i'm FINE" when I wasn't and just suppressing everything and now its time to finally deal with it.
Keep checking in here...

rumrunn6

new answer, no depression, my life sucks and I accept it ...

bbeasley

Please, go for a ride. Don't think about it, don't see how you feel, don't check the weather. Go for a ride and celebrate that you took a positive step both for you and your family today. Repeat.

It may or may not be the entire answer but it's a piece to the puzzle.

lsberrios1 

I do suffer from it even though I feel I dont really have a reason to. One thing that my new therapist told me was "keep cycling as much as you can that way we wont have to put you in medication. Until you are stable and ready to just move forward just keep spinning" So basically for my cycling is a lifeline that I run to when I find myself in emotional trouble (98% of the living daytime). I sincerely wish you the best of luck and try pushing yourself to get out there and ride, keep your doctor visits and if really necessary take ur meds. Look for group rides around your area and just join, doesn't matter what. Riding with others makes it better or at least makes you go out.

Judi

My husband suffers from depression sometimes. His depression usually takes the form of anger and decreased appetite. The worst time that I remember was when we found out we were pregnant with our second child, and I had to stop working because of my health. My husband got a second job, and he pretty much didn't speak to me during the pregnancy. He wouldn't eat and lost 80 lbs. He was having panic attacks and chest pains. After our baby was born, I convinced him to go to the doctor and get something for the depression, but he only took the meds for a week because they affected his libido. He did get better eventually. I tried to be there for him, but sometimes he was so angry that it was difficult.

I don't have much advice for you, just sympathy. My family has been where yours is right now, and we made it through to better times. You will too. Sometimes exercise will help, just letting yourself get out there and do something that you don't have to think about, until you're too tired to think. And don't forget, whatever your wife is going through right now, she needs to know that you still value her in your life even without her income.

ill.clyde

Yes ... and the amount of suffering is up to me.

I've had it for years, diagnosed in college, probably "had it" prior to that but back then it wasn't talked about too much. I've medicated off and on to varying degrees of success. Currently I'm on Wellbutrin but I've actually started taking it every other day than daily (largely because my current job is temporary and my prescription benefits are gone so I'm nursing my script).

I've had my ups and downs, including some downs that most people would fall apart from.

Cycling helps me greatly. In ways that are hard to describe. But it holds true for any form of physical activity, even something as small as a walk in the park. Time outdoors, sunlight and physical activity have done more for me than any medication.

Like I said, I've been on medications, but the degree of suffering for most who have depression, I feel, is largely what they choose to accept.

CommuteCommando

Hmmm. Kenseth03 (OP) hasn't posted to BF since starting this thread. Are you out there? How are you doing?

Cychologist

As a now retired psychologist, let me state with advances in Cognitive Behavioral Therapies and antidepressant medications, depression is a very controllable disease.

With my clients, I often gave CBT homework including moderate exercise like biking, swimming, or walking, as well has healthy eating. (Appetite is a major issue for truly depressed people, either too big or too little.) Finally I encouraged involvement with other people, like a bike club or Sunday School class. But the major thing that helped was the cognitive reframing they learned in psychotherapy, usually in just a few sessions.

Psychotherapy now days isn't long term, but brief. It cost only for the weeks you go. All together, most people who saw me professionally spent less to see me than I spent on any of my last eight bicycles.

kingsqueak

Push through. Try and tie yourself to a schedule as an anchor of obligation...as in arrange to group ride or ride with a friend. Somthing to add a lever to get you out and moving in some way.

The worst you can do is isolate yourself.

It comes and it goes. Just keep reminding yourself it's just another phase. Keeping busy and moving helps to wait it out.

kenseth03

Yeah, i'm still alive but still stressed to the max. My wife's health problem that I referred to in the original post was breast cancer so all my energy has gone towards getting her cancer free. Last week the doctors pronounced her cancer free. So that was a BIG victory. So damned if we don't get that good news, I find out that our company is cutting jobs and there is a possibility that I may be in the line of fire on this. I'm so glad my wife is doing well but I have to have a job so I just cant get passed this down feeling. Everytime I get ahead something else gets the best of me. As for riding a bike, not a chance. I love bicycles and riding but it's almost like I have to get all this "crap" off my shoulders before I can really enjoy it.

bigfred 

No matter how many times Mrs. Fred tells me that she recognizes how good riding is for me, both physically and mentally, and encourages me to keep cycling and stay active. I still struggle to view it as something other than "indulging" myself. Even when it really would be for the greater good of all concerned.

Glad to hear that your wife is doing well. Best of luck on the employment front. I've been underemployed for over a year. My previous employer restructured and my role no longer existed. In the reshuffle, I was one of the higher wage earners who could be cut and my responsibilities shifted to those who didn't earn as much. The important thing I keep reminding myself of was what the Change Manager said as we had a bit of an exit meeting, "..., the most important thing for you to remember, is that there was nothing 'you' could have done to change this outcome." Keep you head up. Be as proactive and productive as you can.

genejockey 

Different people are different.

For some folks, depression is situational - their life takes some bad turns, or they have a run of bad luck, or a whole lot of stress, and they just get overwhelmed. For them, it may be true that medication just allows you to numb the pain, and not fix what's wrong with your life. Another way of looking at that, though, is that even situational depression has real physiological effects, at least some of which can be addressed pharmaceutically, allowing you to have the strength to get up in the morning and deal with making changes you wouldn't otherwise be able to handle.

Some folks, however, have biochemical issues that lead them to depression no matter how well everything's going. The woman I married is one of the strongest people I've ever known. I say this because she was diagnosed with what we call 'serotonin issues' at the age of 40, and in all the 22 years I'd known her before that, nobody would have guessed it. She was that good at covering it up, muddling through, putting on a happy face, whatever you wish to call it. She eventually fell into a clinical depression, and a doctor prescribed one of the SSRIs. She said it was like, for the first time in her memory, she had control of her own mind. Depressive or obsessive thoughts that had plagued her all her life stopped. She's had ups and downs since, and recently added another medication that made another night-or-day change, but through it all, the medications have not "changed" her except to the extent that they allow her to be herself, and not what her anxiety drives her to think she should be.

We have a tendency in our culture to tell the depressed that they just need to try harder, that they can be just fine if they'll only do this or that. Well, it's not always true, and often telling a depressed person that borders on cruelty. To people like my wife, antidepressants don't 'numb' you, they do the opposite. They pull the fog of biochemically-induced depression off your mind.

The OP says he's desperate. I'd suggest seeking professional help beyond just an MD willing to write prescriptions.

Lacumo

As said above, ride! Whether you want to or not -- whether you feel like it or not -- whether you think it'll help or not -- ride, and ride somewhere between 4x/week and daily. If possible, give it at least a half-hour every day. I've always found that the relief and freedom of a ride took off some of the weight that was crushing me. Hope it can do the same for you.

genejockey 

When my wife went through a lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation treatment for BC, I discovered that there's all kinds of support for the cancer patients, but not a whole hell of a lot for their loved ones. And because we're men, we feel like we're supposed to "suck it up, walk it off", and not complain - "after all, just think what your poor wife is going through!"

Well, I say that's BS. The anxiety of not knowing, the fears of what might be, the stress of watching her go through it - that's all REAL, and it's all some serious s*** to handle. You need to take care of yourself, too, and if you find cycling reduces your stress, DO IT. It's no more an indulgence than eating or sleeping.

kenseth03

You nailed it on the head. Don't get me wrong, this was about my wife. She had the cancer and she dealt with the actual worse part of this. However, all I heard is "you gotta be strong for her" and I should and I like to think I did. However after a while it plays on your nerves to where you break and then you get all of lifes other stresses piled on and you just want to snap. It sucks! I feel like someone is testing me like never before and im not sure im gonna make it.

bigfred 

https://www.depression.org.nz/

It's a New Zealand site. But, full of good simple stuff. Before you hit "play" know the JK is one of New Zealand's biggest, badest, burliest, strongest, former All Blacks and a current coach. He's also suffered from depression and in an effort to help the rest of us has become somewhat public about his challenges and some of the ways through it.

I hope you take the time to have a look through the site and that it provides a little help or at least enlightenment. There is a way through.

genejockey 

I can't tell you what will work for you, but you need something to clear your head and give you perspective. Maybe riding, maybe something else. I have hobbies I obsess about, and when I focus on them, the anxieties are at bay for a while, and often are much less pressing when I put down whatever it is (right now it's watchmaking) for the day. As I think about it, most of the things I've obsessed on as hobbies involve focus. Cycling, archery, watchmaking - in each case my mental state changes.

Archery, you focus on the target, and this one shot, making it perfect, this one moment in time.

Watchmaking, you're focused on the work, putting it back together, and because it's so small, you're tightly focused on that to the exclusion of all else.

Cycling, you focus on the road, your heartbeat, your breathing, how your legs feel, etc. I've often found that I have unconsciously figured out problems while riding.

Find something that takes you out of yourself and your anxieties, and realize that you're not being self-indulgent. You can't take care of her if you're so tightly wound you're about to pop, or so worn down by depression that you have no energy. Again, I know this from my own experience.

kenseth03

Thanks bigfred!! It's nice to know there are people on here who care. I'll check out that site!

kenseth03

Well my past hobbies, (before all this stuff) was model car building, shooting my new crossbow and cycling. Im just gonna have to get myself up and do it!!! Thanks!!

genejockey 

CROSSBOWS?!? Heretic!

jim p

I don't know if this will help or not but it might be worth a try. Go to FHU.com and then call the 800 number. At one time you could call in and listen to a meditation called Be still and know. Ask them about this and see if it is still available.

There are many inexpensive anti depressants on the market now so it is probably a good idea to keep trying different ones and maybe you will find one that works for you.

I don't understand your condition but I have witnessed it in others and it is a very dark evil thing. You are probably using every bit of your will power just to do the necessary things each day and just the thought of doing anything else is just too much for you to endure. You need to know that you are loved by many people that you have never even seen. People all over the world care about you and your family and want the best for you. We are all in this world together. Keep your chin up, keep putting one foot in front of the other and this will pass just like the cancer. Brighter days are ahead.

Noddy

Content deleted for personal privacy.

WonderMonkey

Great advice. Set a goal like he mentioned (group, charity, etc). Sometimes that little bit can be all it takes to break you away and to do it.

How is your nutrition? If you don't have that right your energy level may not be as high as it could be and that could drop you below the mark where you are able to pull yourself in a positive direction.