Really, really cannot believe most of this thread. Pamestiques response was really over the top. 18 is legal, move on and out.
Really, really cannot believe most of this thread. Pamestiques response was really over the top. 18 is legal, move on and out.
"I haven't known peace and quiet for so long I can't remember what it's like"--Bob Dylan
About all the other advice, about the only thing else I can offer is that you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom about her fears. Try to remain calm when doing so.
"Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia'".
- Vizzini during his "battle of wits" with the Man in Black
be respectful, but do your best to allay any fears she may have. Maybe take her for a drive along the route as has been suggested.
She loves you ... which is why she worries. She still sees you as your little boy, which is why she protects you.
Be grateful for those things ... cherish the fact that she's still doing those things. You'll miss them when she's gone
Work with your mom a little...but enjoy your rides too.
My Mom bought me my first motorcycle. When I got a sportbike and she overheard me telling my brother that I had it up to an indicated 186mph, she asked me to be more careful. I thought about her plea and got some leathers and went motorcycle racing. She got a trailer hitch put on her car and drove me to the race track. I cannot say that motorcycle racing was more safe, but it was controlled and ultimately I was more careful in my quest for speed. I got more experience and skill and used that knowledge to "control" myself and my speed in situations where I would have blasted through without a care before.
So, fast forward 25 years and I am in a similar predicament but with road cycling and racing. My Wife used to worry about me going on long rides every day but never said anything. It was not until we were on a ride together and she watched me get hit head by a motorcycle, and nearly killed, that she really came out and told me how much she worried and that she just could not take the stress if I continued to ride on the road every day.
Of course, all I wanted to do is to heal up and go out for a ride, but I had to seriously consider the degree of danger I was put myself in and how much stress I was willing to put my Wife under. After some soul searching, I decided that putting myself into the path of every passing car started to look pretty silly. That being said, I want to live my life without fear and enjoy many things that are considered dangerous, but in this instance, I modified my riding and have taken up cyclocross, WITH MY WIFE. I have included her in my sport and she sees the effort and can experience my "danger" levels. It has helped her so much. I know I have not taken my last road ride but can keep busy riding off the roads until some of the emotional scars heal for my Wife and time fades her fears.
I would suggest getting your Mom involved and out there with you for a ride. Choose roads that you feel safest on and I am sure she will benefit in multiple areas and better understand your passion for the sport, your health, and your focus on safety.
My wife was like that. What I told her was that 67% of accidents involving cars and cyclists are the cyclists fault. (I got that stat from a safety class run by LAB-League of American Cyclists)
Why should that make her feel better? Because you then explain to her how so many cyclists are really unsafe. They ride against traffic, ride on sidewalks, run lights and stop signs, choose bad routes, etc. I am not one of those.
As much as you paid for that Beemer [Mercedies, Audi, Escalade], I'm surprised it didn't come equipped with turn signals.
Assume nothing; Question everything
Also I like the advice about being a little more quiet about your riding. Stop talking about it with her since she is not being supportive. Give alot of vague noncommittal answers to her questions... "Where you riding today son?"... "I dont know I havent decided yet"... "We'll see"... "I'm not sure" "around"... stuff like that. Establish some boundaries.
Last edited by jerseyJim; 08-19-13 at 09:58 AM.
Last edited by Pamestique; 08-19-13 at 09:58 AM.
Private docent led mountain bike rides through Limestone Canyon. Go to letsgooutside.org and register today! Also available: hikes, equestrian rides and family events as well as trail maintenance and science study.
Let us know how it goes...
Ah moms. I haven't lived at home in nearly 20 years and she still zips up my jacket until it bites my chin when we go out. I don't share too many details about my bike rides because she grumbles and once started sniffling back tears. We have a deal... I listen to her odd stories about spirits living in her apartment and I pretend that I ride my bike around the baseball diamond at the park. yeah, it's a pretty one-sided agreement but she loves me, worries about me, and not about to stop either activity anytime soon.
I do draw the line at wearing any of the crochet horrors she makes.
The difference between "Mothering" and "Smothering" is one letter...
Take it from someone who's been there (and still goes through it even though I moved out of my parent's house years ago), mom's have a very hard time letting go and coming to terms with the fact that their children are adults and can make their own decisions. In my case I had to shame my own mother in front of the family before she stopped trying to run my life (it's a long story, but let's just say that it involved me doing something that my mom didn't approve of until it was in her favor, then in front of the family I told her "no" since she didn't approve of me doing it earlier).
The bigger unsaid problem here isn't that she's worried about you getting hurt. The bigger issue is that she's having problems coming to terms that you're an adult that's capable of making your own decisions. Like others have said, just go out and do it on your own without seeking your mother's approval. If she questions it you don't have to give a lengthy explanation; just say you're going out. If she starts to complain (or give you a guilt trip), simply say something like "Thanks for your concern but I'll be alright. I'll see you in a few hours".
There comes a point in everyone's life when you have to take the reigns away from your parents and start steering your own way through life. You don't have to be a jerk about it to them, but sometimes you do have to be assertive though.
You can also point out that we loose FAR more people to not moving then by moving. You're riding adds to your lifespan (all risk factors included) whereas sedentary living shortens as well as increases sick days. Basically, we're safer on the roads, then we are on the couch.
Congratulations on your motivations to ride your bike. A 10 mile commute is a long one and should be plenty to give you great physical results - especially with an occasional longer ride on the weekend.
"I've let her tail me a few times..."
It's hard for me to understand this "mothering." This might not be popular but this is what I did when I was a teenager and my parents did not understand my working out and they didn't support my sport (albeit in the less-than-parental-nannyistic 1980s). What a parent doesn't know won't hurt them - my parents didn't know how long I was riding or what cycling events I was entering (or that I blew $10.00 on upgraded SKS Campy copy pedals). Is it possible to go on longer rides that your mom does not have to know about? I'm not suggesting lying to her but take a longer route to or from school. Be creative. Can you go on an extra "errand?" When you ride to the store, can you go to the one that is three mile farther away? You're not lying, you're just getting more miles on your bike which is your goal, right?
Also, would your mom be supportive of a group ride - a weekend ride with other cyclists like you? Safety in numbers? Anyway, we all know that with all of our commutes and all of the miles ridden per day by all of us in most/all communities cycling accidents are statistically EXTREMELY rare. (I know, I know, we all have anacdotal comments supporting the contrary - I'm just relaying statistical facts and we all wouldn't ride our bikes if we thought we were in undue danger)
Cody, commuting 10 miles a day can be difficult enough without support of your family. Good luck on that and keep it up when you can.
I think back to the years I lived with my father and how he would worry. As teens we dealt with it by just not letting him know what we were doing. But, your mother knows so all you can do is be mature, let her know you are going to ride, and do what you can to ease her worries.
I am sorry about your grandfather. You sound like a good grandson. However, be sure to look out for yourself as you will have to be self sufficient one day. Do the very best you can in school. When you are home with your grandfather you can study, study, study. And do the very best to live a healthy life. This is your time to make habits that will serve you well through life.
--signed, old enough to be your grandma.
as a defense of the OP's mother treating her 20 year old son like a child. Part of becoming an adult is learning to deal with conflict with other adults. I don't know of very many 20-somethings who haven't had a parent upset with them at some point. Yes, it is his mother's house and therefore she has the right to set reasonable rules, but respect goes two ways. At 20 years old, she should be able to expect him to act like an adult but she also needs to treat him like one.Big boy pants? You live at home. As long as you do, you ARE her little boy.
Lead, follow or get out of the way
A few things to never tell your mom:
1. You ride a road bike IN THE ROAD.
2. You're dating a stripper
3. You got a tattoo
4. Your thinking of buying a motorcycle
5. Pots not really that bad
6. You missed church...oh the past 15 years since you moved out.
Thank me later.
Everyone's a roadie, they just might not know it yet.
You live in her house, so have to respect her, but she needs to respect her 20 y/o son to make smart decisions too.
Or just tell her, I'm going out for a ride! and not fill in the details.
There has been some good advise and some not so good advise given here. Bottom line is that she is your mom and is concerned so you need to alleviate any fears that she may have. Ask her to go for a drive with you to see the route and hopefully she will see for her self that the route is not as bad as she is thinking. Slowly increase the mileage so that the time you are out gradually increases and she wont notice as much as if you hit the road for a 3 hour ride after having only been out for an hour or so in the past.
Most of all respect her as she is your mom and will come around and support you.
It really does make a lot of sense, especially in a large city like mine with narrow streets. Such a law would help me to legally stay ahead of motor vehicle traffic, thereby decreasing comingling. It would also allow me to more easily switch lanes to get around vehicles that are stoped in the street to make deliveries. A third benefit is that I could clear the lane for vehicles waiting to make right turns on red. I once actually got honked and yelled at by a cab. I was at the intersection waiting for the light to turn green. The cabbie, which was behind me, was pissed that I would not run the light so he could then make a right on red.
Just go. The more times you go and come the back alive the easier it will get for her to believe you can do it safely. She will not stop worrying, but might stop harassing you about it. If it is easier let her think you are going to the middle school and just doing lots of laps. It sounds like it is in the same area as you want to ride anyway. The main reason I say this is if something did happen you want people to start looking for you in the right place. Generally if I am going more than 15 miles round trip I let someone know where I'm headed. Otherwise I just tell them I am going riding and will be back around X:XX time. One thing you may wish to bring is a cell phone. If you have one. She might feel better knowing you can call 911 if you need to. Also you can tell her I have ridden over twice that far many times and am still here with all limbs, features, and faculties intact. I do wear bright clothes and a helmet. I also always expect to not be seen. That way I'm ready when it is true.
Dear Cody - I have read the whole thread. I originally read "big boy parts" instead of "pants" - somehow seemed more fitting.
I take it that time for reasoning has came and gone, she is not going to change. Some women are like that - they do not see the difference between a finger on the pulse and noose around the neck. You are her baby, in her mind she owns you (pardon me for asking - is Dad in the picture? Does Mom have a stimulating career? If not, her babies are her sole focus and you are on the receiving end of it).
Stop being what you think is a "good son", you need to have a nice blowout, never mind the guilt trips, just do it. You owe this to your brother.
Speaking of brother - if he is not far behind in age, stick it out for a while, until high school is over and MOVE THE EFFFFFF OUT TOGETHER!!!!!! Believe me, people pressed hard against the wall will find the way out of the sticky situation. There are social services to take care of your Gramps, there is Medicaid, there are trained people. All it takes is doing research, picking up the phone and doggedly staying with it. Dealing with bureaucracy is never easy, but riding the backs of younger generation in their formative years out of convenience is just reprehensible.
Go, study, get stellar grades, get a good job and with your second paycheck buy your Mother a couple sessions with a good therapist. God knows, she needs it.
Signed - a mother of 18 yo, moved out and in community college by choice; and 16 yo, avid bike commuter. And yes, I have a husband and exciting career to keep me from going off the deep end.
I take great pride in my humility.