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-   -   What to do about overprotective mom? (http://www.bikeforums.net/clydesdales-athenas-200-lb-91-kg/908160-what-do-about-overprotective-mom.html)

codyhmrck 08-18-13 03:33 PM

What to do about overprotective mom?
 
O'k so here is my situation. I am 20 years old and live with my mom while going to college. I recently started riding my bike to lose weight and can consistently ride 10 miles a day for a good workout. I planned out a route that i would like to start riding that goes around my town. The route is a little over 10 miles long with some good hills and I'm trying to build up my endurance and speed. The problem though is that my mom is way to overprotective. She gets mad when I talk about starting to ride longer and farther. She wants me to just ride circles around the local middle school :notamused: . She is afraid of me riding on the road with cars and is absolutely convinced that I'm going to be ran over by a crazy driver, even though I have been riding the roads that make up my route all month, just not all combined at once. I am a very safe cyclist and follow all traffic laws, and wear proper safety equipment. I know those things wont keep me 100% safe but It is the best I can do. I just need some advice on how I can get her to understand, and accept the fact that I'm going to go ride and be as safe as possible. I just don't like her trying to hold me back because she is afraid. In the end I can do whatever I want, I just want her support in doing it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Cody

Homeyba 08-18-13 03:59 PM

It's time to put on your big boy pants and just tell her that you're doing this for your health and if she wants you to live a long healthy life she needs to get over it. :)

Pamestique 08-18-13 04:19 PM

Moms are like that... they try hard to protect their children. Suggestion, show mom your route... drive it in the car with her and assure her you obey all the traffic rules and it will be safe. Other than getting her buy on or risking her anger, there is little else you can do. Big boy pants? You live at home. As long as you do, you ARE her little boy. Just try and put yourself in her shoes; might be a good time to compromise.

2 wheeler 08-18-13 05:03 PM

There comes a time when youngsters like yourself begin to assert themselves and grow beyond needing continual parental guidance. If you exhibit mature behavior in other aspects of your life, then this could be the time to become more self directed and take responsibility for your decisions and your life.

I would make one concession to mom; use a rear view mirror. They can make riding much safer - my life has been saved twice by wearing one.

Good luck with this latest chapter of growing up.

TrojanHorse 08-18-13 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homeyba (Post 15974275)
It's time to put on your big boy pants and move out

FIFY.

I realize that at 20 and in college, this may not yet be feasible but you need to leave the nest.

Personally, if you're living in my house, you would live by my rules that's me.

Nobody is ever perfectly safe ever, and Pam's advice is also worth understanding.

stevel610 08-18-13 05:31 PM

1. Mom's are supposed to do what she's doing.
2. Don't "obey all the traffic laws"....stopping at every stop sign takes the fun out of riding.
3. Get the brightest red blinky for the back and a flashing light for the front.
4. Don't tell your mom where you are going. Just tell her you're "going out riding".

Keep going!

irwin7638 08-18-13 06:00 PM

Be sure you are doing all that you can to be safe. People who don't cycle will still rant about how dangerous it is. I calmly explain that safety is always a priority but at least it's safer than driving a car. When they look shocked I explain that according to a transportation study conducted by the Consumer Product Safety Commission a few years ago, I'm 10 times more likely to be injured or killed in a a car than on my bike. That usually makes them think.

Marc

PhotoJoe 08-18-13 06:04 PM

I would suggest ramping up on the safety gear. Bright yellow/orange/green jersey or safety vest, mirror and yes, blinky lights front and back. I use these and am VERY happy with them:

http://www.amazon.com/Cygolite-Hotsh...ords=cygolight

http://www.action-led-lights.com/pro...men-bike-light

Then, it's time for an honest, mature discussion with your mom. I agree with the fact you need to explain to her that you are doing this for your health.

Do you have MUP's around your neighborhood. I'm fortunate that I live in an area with a great MUP network, although it's amazing how quickly the valley I live in became so small and we started looking for longer rides. But, MUPs would keep you off the streets.

Shimagnolo 08-18-13 06:12 PM

Tell mom you are giving up cycling and are replacing it with skydiving.

IAMAMRA 08-18-13 06:17 PM

I know you live at home, but it is time to asserte yourself. You may find that the more "adult" you behave the more her feelings about you will mature as well.

Lacumo 08-18-13 06:20 PM

Second on the motions for mirrors, flashing red taillights and hi-viz jerseys. But---it sounds to me like your mother is being overbearing and I doubt
anything will change that. She should be happy you're trying to address health and physical condition issues, but it sounds like harping makes her more
happy than that. If she never develops the ability to differentiate between mothering and smothering, you might be better off striking out on your own.

ChargerDawg 08-18-13 06:29 PM

Try to find a route that is has light or no traffic, or better yet, a dedicated bike path.

I have worn out the bike path that is 1.8 miles from my house. I prefer less traffic to more 100 percent of the time.

bigfred 08-18-13 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by codyhmrck (Post 15974212)
...She gets mad when I talk about starting to ride longer and farther. ..

Then quit talking about it man. You shouldn't hide anything or ever lie, but, sometimes loved ones and family don't need to hear about what you know is going to make them nervous. Just go ride. There was a great article somewhere from an Ironman athlete about the right and wrong way to handle training and families. One of their major points was to "do it quitely". They really don't want or need to hear about how far you went today, how hard you went today, who crashed on this weeks group ride, how many bone headed drivers you saw do stupid things, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by codyhmrck (Post 15974212)
I recently started riding my bike to lose weight and can consistently ride 10 miles a day for a good workout. .... I just don't like her trying to hold me back because she is afraid. In the end I can do whatever I want, I just want her support in doing it. ...

Have you tried, "Mom, I know you're concerned about my health. But, I'm enjoying cycling for that very same reason. I would really love it if you could find a way to support me in my pursuit of some weight loss and fitness instead of discouraging me. Yes, the world is full of dangers and risks. But, at the age of 20 I believe I should start to take some responsibility for how I address them. In the case of cycling, I believe the positives are of sufficient value to outweigh the risks as long as I take appropriate precautions." ???

jim p 08-18-13 07:34 PM

Get her to ride escort behind you so that you won't be as likely to get hit from behind. She gets to protect you and you get to ride. After about two rides, you will no longer have an escort.

Find a bike for her and let her ride with you.

Ask for gym membership fee and stop riding.

Just do as she requested and eat another donut, pie, cake, ice cream, etc.

jsigone 08-18-13 07:58 PM

my mom always said to stop riding my bike after I'd have to get stitches or something. I told her that wasn't gonna happen LOL.

Get a nice bright rear LED and a road ID, might help her feel better.

Myosmith 08-18-13 08:57 PM

Moms will always be moms and you will always be "her little boy" but YOU ARE 20 YEARS OLD. Many men your age are in the military in combat; or are firemen, law enforcement officers, or paramedics; or are on horseback working herds of cattle, work on oil rigs, operate heavy equipment, work as miners or loggers; some are parents themselves; but your mom doesn't want you to ride your bike on the street?

Heck, I'm 49 and my mother worries about me pretty much all the time. Kiss her on the forehead, thank her for caring, tell her you love her, and go out and ride.

BTW, I'm the parent of a 20-year-old. I worry about her constantly but also want her to grow into a confident and independent adult. Nothing makes me prouder than seeing her accept new challenges and even risks in a competent adult manner. One of my co-workers has a 19-year-old daughter in Army basic training right now and is also a very proud parent.

BigJeff 08-18-13 09:08 PM

time to grow up

you can live at home and follow the rules, or move out and buy a motorcycle to commute to college.

(nothing nice looking, buy the rattiest bucket of bolts with a 250-500cc motor.....DO NOT buy anything desirable.


She'll forget about your bicycle habits immediately.

Myosmith 08-18-13 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pamestique (Post 15974336)
Moms are like that... they try hard to protect their children. Suggestion, show mom your route... drive it in the car with her and assure her you obey all the traffic rules and it will be safe. Other than getting her buy on or risking her anger, there is little else you can do. Big boy pants? You live at home. As long as you do, you ARE her little boy. Just try and put yourself in her shoes; might be a good time to compromise.

Sorry, I gotta disagree with you. As a parent it is one of our jobs to help our sons and daughters become independent adults. You can't treat them like children as long as they are under your roof and then one day kick them out of the nest and expect them to be adults. The change should be incremental with an age appropriate increase in expectations and responsibilities. A 20-year old son living at home should be expected to be a contributing adult member of the household. He should act like an adult and be treated like one. It is still your house and you have the right to make reasonable rules, but that isn't the same as treating them like a child.

Darn right a 20-year-old should be expected to put on his big boy pants, attend college and/or hold down a real job, manage his own responsibilities, contribute to the household and to respect and interact appropriately with other adults in the household. Don't let him put on the big boy pants and someday you too can be the proud parent of a 32-year-old failure to launch playing video games in your basement.

Shimagnolo 08-18-13 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Myosmith (Post 15975294)
Sorry, I gotta disagree with you. As a parent it is one of our jobs to help our sons and daughters become independent adults. You can't treat them like children as long as they are under your roof and then one day kick them out of the nest and expect them to be adults. The change should be incremental with an age appropriate increase in expectations and responsibilities. A 20-year old son living at home should be expected to be a contributing adult member of the household. He should act like an adult and be treated like one. It is still your house and you have the right to make reasonable rules, but that isn't the same as treating them like a child.

Darn right a 20-year-old should be expected to put on his big boy pants, attend college and/or hold down a real job, contribute to the household and to respect and interact appropriately with other adults in the household. Don't let him put on the big boy pants and someday you too can be the proud parent of a 32-year-old failure to launch playing video games in your basement.

+10
An 18yo can:
- Vote in elections.
- Enter into contracts.
- Enlist in the military and fight and possibly die in war.

Telling a 20yo where he can ride his bicycle is just asinine.

birdhunter1 08-18-13 10:21 PM

I'm 33 with 2 kids and been married 7 1/2 years, built a house on the farm 1/4 from my parents.... my mom is the same way.
'You mean you're going riding for 10 miles and it's 95 degrees outside?'
'.................................. 30 miles.........?'
'It's 5 degrees and there's 10" of snow and you're going hunting in that?'

Once a mom (or in my case a dad) that instinct to worry and instinct to advise doesn't go away.

bigfred 08-18-13 10:25 PM

I think my father quit worrying about me at the point I started guiding in the mountains and instructing paragliding. He simply started worrying about everyone else:-)

brawlo 08-18-13 10:46 PM

Really??

It sounds like your mother has gotten her way pretty much all the time with you, and the usual detachment that happens through teenage years is still yet to happen for you.

You just need to do what you want/need to do. The first instances are usually harsh and can be confronting, but once you become comfortable with where each other stands then it will all be fine. The teenage mentality would be to go out and get a Hyabusa and then say to your mother after you get your 300km/h speeding ticket that cycling wasn't so bad. But you're 20 and you have your own life to lead now. Just go and do it. Acknowledge your mother's concerns and just do what you need to without being belligerent towards her.

You could get mown down by a car while crossing the road or fall over awkwardly and hit your head just right and bam, you're pushing up daisies. Stop worrying about things that could happen. Just take the right safe steps, not no steps at all.

eja_ bottecchia 08-18-13 11:02 PM

That's the way moms are.

I was 53 yo when my mom passed away and she still worried about me, including my bike riding.

This from a woman who bought me my first bike as a child and years later my first Italian road bike (the Bottecchia).

She will never stop worrying about you.

Give her a big hug, tell her you love her very much and tell her that you love how much she cares for you.

Then tell her that you are doing this for your health.

Ride on and ride safely!

BTW, I miss my mom's "nagging!" Wish she was still around, over-worrying about me. :(

Judi 08-18-13 11:11 PM

Unless you need her to drop you off somewhere, don't tell her where you're going on your bike. Vary your route and ride different lengths of time, so she gets used to you being out on your bike for an hour or longer. Once you've been riding a while, you can tell her how far you're riding if you really need to.

If she needs to think you're riding circles at the middle school for her own peace of mind, let her. There have been plenty of times that my mom thought I was doing something safer than I actually was...I'm in my 30's now and my mom is still on a need-to-know basis about the things that I do, to keep her from worrying.

aramis 08-18-13 11:39 PM

Just go buy a motorcycle and she won't ever say anything about bicycle riding.

Actually when I lived at home I rode my motorcycle all the time and my mom was very supportive, as long as I "wore all my motorcycle gear, including the pants!". ;)


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