striker_dj

Just email her a link to this thread. Something will change. I can't know if it will be for the better or for the worse....

Kotts

I'm going to be very blunt here. Flame me or ignore me if you feel you must.

Caveat: I don't really know either of you, I'm just going from your posting, so if I'm way the heck off base, bear in mind that I'm working from limited information, and take this advice for what it's worth. If it rings true for you, great. If it's so wrong that it clarifies the issue for you, that's still great.

My advice is: Get out of that relationship before it's too late. Either leave, or change the nature of the relationship. Let her call off the wedding and walk away, or if you really want to make a go of it, get some premarital counseling together to see what the issue really is.

My first thought is that if she's throwing ultimata like that she isn't concerned for your safety, she's concerned for hers. (Either "What happens to me if something happens to you?" or the more base "Can I get my way?")

I just celebrated 25 years of marriage to my best friend. We had a similar issue, but notice the differences. I raced motorcycles. She asked me to stop. No ultimatums, and she said she'd marry me either way. She acknolwedged that it was an irrational fear on her part, but said she'd feel better if I stopped. I agreed to stop. I miss it sometimes, but this relationship has been worth it.

She still worries about my commuting to work and general riding, but she only asks that I call her when I get there, or if I'm running late. (Heck, that's just common courtesy, anyway.) She doesn't blow up if for some reason I don't. She has started riding herself, and takes instruction well. She has gone riding with me when she has frankly admitted that she's scared (steep descents) but she trusts me to help her be safe and sticks with it. She chooses to, in part, because she knows I enjoy it and wants to share that with me. The same way I learned to love to cook.

We're both here 25 years later because we want to be, and decided that the work involved (and it is work) is worth the effort. Love isn't an emotion, it's a daily decision to choose the other person's well being over your own. It works when you're both making that daily decision.

It doesn't look to me like you guys are making those decisions yet.

Saintly Loser

Gotta say I doubt her motives. I don't know her, or you, orulz, but where do you live that bike commuting is so dangerous? Even in here NYC, it just isn't that dangerous. It's possible it's more an image thing -- you know, a husband who rides his bike to work isn't quite appropriate for what she sees as her station in life.

You've got to think carefully about this. Your bride-to-be seems to think that you are her property (even before you're married).

orulz

Just wanted to say thanks everybody for the varied opinions and advice.

I've always known this to be the case, and talking with her some more she apologized for going that far. And it wasn't some climactic fight or bitter swearing contest, either. At the time she said it, it seemed mostly like a joke, but that she wanted to make it clear that this is an important matter to her.

She still doesn't like the idea of me biking to work, but I've been talking with her more and more about it. Truth is, I wouldn't bike every day; more like 2-3 days a week. She's fine with me riding around town where there are lots of redundant routes but the busy arterials really do bother her.

The suggestion of taking her on a bike tour of my route is a good one. I think I'll do that.

I agree that at least part of her concern is the "What happens to me if something happens to you?". And, why shouldn't it be? She is placing a lot of her future companionship / security / stability / happiness on the line by marrying me, and in her mind, I'm doing something reckless and needlessly putting that in jeopardy.

Telling her to "go suck an egg; i'ma do what I wanna do" is not an option. A big part of being in a relationship is seeing & understanding things from your partner's point of view (Something I haven't quite gotten her to do yet when it comes to cycling... )

Hopefully so.. I wonder how I can set up a situation where she'll see me out riding? Should I make it obvious or should it be coincidental?

That's exactly it. In her mind, every time I pedal out onto those roads, it's like me playing Russian Roulette. I was hoping for advice as to how to convince her that's not the case, rather than such *ahem* helpful, constructive relationship advice...

squeakywheel

Tell her about life insurance.

gobot

Do not marry her! There are so many more dangerous things you could be doing... Try to put it in perspective-- ask her if she wants to be married to a fat sedentary bitter man who just sits in his SUV in traffic hating his life!

badhat

i havent read past the OP, but i cannot fathom how anyone could marry someone who put this ultimatum to them. run away. thats a pretty portentous start to a marriage.

JeffS

Wow... another one...

I simply cannot imagine finding myself in such a situation. At the first sign that I was involved with a person who would make demands of me like this, I would have walked away - quickly. I guess I'm just lucky to have found someone who was happy with who I am and has never felt the need to try to change me.

This really isn't about the bicycle - it's about control. What if you decide next year that you want to buy a motorcycle, or take up whitewater kayaking, or rock climbing, or anything other than sitting on the freakin couch? If you concede this, you will automatically be in a situation where you will have to ask permission to start a new activity, and she will be able to pull the plug on it whenever she chooses.

I wouldn't even argue the bike safety issues. Either you're free to do what you want, or you're not.

bac

Wow, and this is BEFORE the two of you are married?

hey, I'm not going to take any shots at you or your bride to be. Only the two of you can figure this out. However, while marriage is all about compromise, there are some areas where compromise just doesn't work.

Good luck, and let the group know how it all shakes out!

... Brad

badhat

i showed my wife my bike computer max speed of 60.2mph last weekend.

she wasnt happy.

modernjess

I've been married a long time, long enough to see more than half my friends get divorced.

Trust me, this is a bad bad sign for many reasons already pointed out by other posts.

She should see you on your bike one last time.... riding away from her forever!

Sorry dude, you asked for advice and that's my best.

gobot

I agree 100%. Get out now while there's no child support.

edit: Yes I read the part you said to read before replying and yes I still agree. I have seen it before and I'm sure I will see it again-- if you give in on this you will give in on everything else and you will end up getting a divorce and/or being bitter and angry about all the things you lost.

rando

ride on roads with less traffic. show her your route.

orulz

OK. Here is - to the best of my recollection - how the conversation went.

Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.

CBBaron

You've been doing this 2 years and have had no incidents and that hasn't helped her fears?

My wife was very concerned about my biking when I first started and still worries about times I ride in poor weather conditions, but she has grown to accept it. However I did have to agree to take out a 500K life insurance policy before she would let me start. The fact that I was willing to "waste" the money (in my opinion) to help relieve her fears convinced her that I was serious about commuting and did not consider it a safety risk.
Do some googling for safety stats and cycling safe riding tips. Make sure you always wear your helmet and other safety equipment like lights and reflectors even if they are "dorky". Maybe she won't accept it as a normal thing to do but she will probably accept it as a normal thing for you. For me it is not even a question of whether I will ride to work, riding is how I get to work.

Craig

moxfyre

Sounds to me like she's open to being convinced otherwise Not as much of an ultimatum, but more just frustration and worry. I think you really have to show/tell her more about your commute, so she's less worried about it.

Gurgus

She gave you an out. Take it while you can.

rhm

People have their own ideas about what's safe and what's not, especially when it involves risk, and it very often has nothing to do with reality. Therefore it can be very difficult to change their minds about such things. For example: people feel they're safer in an SUV than in a car, despite substantial evidence to the contrary.

You can try statistics, but people tend not to believe them, suspecting, perhaps, that 88.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

But she's right that risk is involved, even if she's wrong about the odds, which are far better in cycling than in Russian Roulette.

What she is missing is that every time you get in a car, or cross a street as a pedestrian, or get on an airplane, or eat a cheeseburger, you are taking some risk. You cannot live your life without risk, and neither can she. Both you and she are at risk of cancer, mental illness, alzheimer's, lightning strikes, and so on. Cycling improves your overall health and reduces your risk of numerous health problems, and reduces your impact on the environment. The benefit is substantial, but the increase in risk is negligible.

Ah, well, there you go. People on this forum are more wary of manipulative spouses than they are traffic.

orulz

Exactly - that's how I took it when she said it. I plan on showing her my route but I'd still like advice on how to get her to observe me cycling & get comfortable with it, when she doesn't really cycle herself.

She also has said things like "It'd be fine if you were riding your bike into town," - it's mostly just those busy suburban/exurban highways that bother her, or "It'd be all right if you were doing this on a Saturday/Sunday" - it's the heavy traffic and the oft-distracted and hurried rush-hour commuters that make her uneasy.

Lots of folks here seem to have taken the exaggeration in my original post and run with it; thanks for being supportive and giving some genuinely useful advice, moxfyre.

boilermaker1

Take the car to work. Making your wife feel secure is more important than the means you use to get to work. C'mon, think about it. Her feelings vs. how you get to work. This should be a simple decision.

Then use your bike for toodling around, get your use from it that way.

gobot

The problem is that when you try to convince her its safe, you are avoiding the real issue--

You should say to her "yes, it is dangerous, but it is my choice to take that risk, because it is my life" since you clearly know that its a little risky, but like all of us, you would rather live with some risk (and excitement!) than without it.

Mod note: edited out the violence part

CBBaron

I think one problem many of the posters to this site don't realize is that for much of the population bicycle commuting is equated with Russian roulette as far as safety goes. Also stats and data are not very convincing to many people. Most of my family and some of my friends seem to fall into this category. It is only their trust of myself to not be reckless that allows them to grudgingly accept my bicycle commuting.
To the OP. Your fiance sounds to be very similar to my wife. You are probably going to best convince her by convincing her about yourself. Let her know that you would not recklessly endanger yourself and that you have a strong sense of self preservation. Emotions usually are stronger than reason with many women.

Craig

gobot

...spoken like someone who has already lost his manhood. How you get to work is pretty damned significant. My girl never liked me riding a motorcycle, and she doesn't like me bike-commuting in NYC either, but she cares about what makes me happy, and that is what matters. If you can't come to a similar understanding-- that the risk is worth it to you-- then you will have a bad relationship.

24 miles a day, 5 days a week vs Toodling around town? that's a huge difference in lifestyle.

JeffS

Well, I agree with the last sentence at least.

Ok, so it wasn't an ultimatum, but it's getting there. I'm definitely not following her logic that the more people doing something, the safer it gets.

I'm not saying she shouldn't be concerned. She SHOULD be concerned about you. How she deals with that concern is the issue. And again, it's not about the bike at all - because tomorrow it will be something else.

From my life: my wife absolutely hated when I was racing cars, although I always told her that the most dangerous part of the weekend was the trip to and from the track. She never even hinted that I should stop though - she just wouldn't come to the track. Oddly, she was completely fine with my motorcycle riding (by far the most dangerous of all), and actually encourages me to ride the bike, because I arrive home on the bike in a good mood. I arrive home in the car pissed off.

badhat

me to my wife and to my mom: "nobody wants me to get killed by a car less than i do"