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  1. #1
    Reeks of aged cotton duck Hydrated's Avatar
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    Commuting made this old guy just one of the girls today!

    I've been riding for many many years, and I commute 10 miles each way to work on my 1984 Trek 520. My work group is relatively small (about 20 people in my section) so it would be impossible to miss the fact that I'm a cyclist. My coworkers know that it takes a lot to keep this old boy off of the bike.

    This morning, a female coworker called me over to her desk to ask me a question. It seems that last night, she and three other ladies from our office went to try out a spinning class at a local gym. But there was a problem.

    She leaned closer... and lowered her voice as she whispered, "Is it supposed to feel that way when you start riding a bike?"

    "Well, your butt has to get saddle ready. So yeah, your behind will be sore at first," I answered.

    "No... you don't understand. My... errr... my 'monkey' hurts. It feels like it's on fire!"

    I stood there stunned at first... What does a guy say to a girl with an angry monkey making it difficult for her to walk? After a few seconds, I recovered enough to explain about sit bones and seat adjustments... but she soon stopped me.

    "Wait just a second," she said. Then she phoned the other three who had gone spinning with her. Watching each of them hobbling up the hallway, I knew exactly what the problem was! They ALL had searing, burning pain in the nether regions.

    It was quite a surreal scene... I was surrounded by four pretty women while I carefully explained to them why their vaginas hurt so badly! After questioning them... I found out that the stationary bikes that they used at the class were adjusted very poorly, and their soft tissues took a beating.

    As we broke up the impromptu gynecological analysis, one of them said to me, "You're our girlfriend now... and girlfriends have to keep their secrets. Right?"

    "I wouldn't tell a soul."

    Right.

  2. #2
    CMY
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    Raving Lunatic CMY's Avatar
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    I was really expecting that story to have a Penthouse Letter twist.

    Damn.

  3. #3
    Crankenstein bmclaughlin807's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMY View Post
    I was really expecting that story to have a Penthouse Letter twist.

    Damn.
    That part comes AFTER they recover.


    *ducks and runs*
    "There is no greater wonder than the way the face and character of a woman fit so perfectly in a man's mind, and stay there, and he could never tell you why. It just seems it was the thing he most wanted." Robert Louis Stevenson

  4. #4
    Prefers Cicero cooker's Avatar
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    Forget the vaginas - let's see your bike. Here's my '84.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  5. #5
    CMY
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooker View Post
    Forget the vaginas - let's see your bike.
    "A man with his priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine bicycle."


  6. #6
    Lovin the O.C. abmtnbkr's Avatar
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    LOL Cooker....

  7. #7
    tired donnamb's Avatar
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    "Real wars of words are harder to win. They require thought, insight, precision, articulation, knowledge, and experience. They require the humility to admit when you are wrong. They recognize that the dialectic is not about making us look at you, but about us all looking together for the truth."

  8. #8
    phony collective progress x136's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hydrated View Post
    It was quite a surreal scene... I was surrounded by four pretty women while I carefully explained to them why their vaginas hurt so badly!




    ("monkey"?)

  9. #9
    Senior Member Ziemas's Avatar
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    Wow I've heard a lot of euphemisms in my day, but 'monkey'? That's simply disturbing!

  10. #10
    Bicycle Repair Man !!! Sixty Fiver's Avatar
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    Mebbe the best post I have ever read here.


  11. #11
    Happy old man al-wagner's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sixty Fiver View Post
    Mebbe the best post I have ever read here.

    +2 on that
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  12. #12
    Senior Member Bolo Grubb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooker View Post
    Forget the vaginas - let's see your bike. Here's my '84.
    mine is an '84 but its a 720




    Great story by the way.

  13. #13
    hell's angels h/q e3st ny brunop's Avatar
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    what's a "monkey"? pics?
    ". . .a striped jersey under his jacket; bared calves (outside the bicycle track); cap pushed back; feet in a false position on the pedals; a barking horn, a disorderly appearance, an always-dry tongue, and a definite fondness for wine merchants. . ."

  14. #14
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    "Would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him! Touch my monkey!" (from an old SNL sketch )

  15. #15
    Spazzy Member zippered's Avatar
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    funny and endearing all at the same time.

    it's great that you were able to be of assistance; hilarious to have such a er, sensitive discussion in a work context.

    reminds me of when i bought my first ergonomic (cut-out) saddle and was trying to explain to the bike shop employee - who i just happened to have a massive crush on - that my squishy bits kept going numb!

    i guess you won't be able to refer them to bike forums for the rest of their questions until this thread gets buried...
    "Never do anything that you wouldn't want to have to explain to the paramedics."

    "His first words were 'did you bike today?' I hesitated before admitting that I had, thinking I was going to get a lecture on how bad the roads were and how I shouldn't try to bike home. Instead he said 'man, you're lucky! I've been sitting in traffic for over 1/2 hr, and I've only gone about 2 miles. Some guy on a bike passed me about 20 minutes ago and I'm sure he's home by now'."

  16. #16

  17. #17
    "Purgatory Central" Wino Ryder's Avatar
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    Hillarious post.


    so I guess if I ever want to get in touch with my feminine side I can get advice from you..LOL
    ~ "I like the way the brake cables come out of the top of the levers and loop around to the brake calipers!...I like those downtube shifters too!...No no no, don't take 'em off, don't take 'em off,...leave 'em on, leave 'em on! - Thats right baby!!

    ~BF - Steel Club Member #00051

  18. #18
    Reeks of aged cotton duck Hydrated's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GRedner View Post
    "Would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him! Touch my monkey!" (from an old SNL sketch )
    Yep... this flashed through my addled male brain!

    I can just see Mike Meyers saying, "Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance."

    But the worst problem that I had during this episode was: "Where do you look while you're talking to a woman about her monkey??"

    I found it very difficult to look the ladies straight in the eyes during this particular discussion... and staring at the crotch area seemed out of the question... what's a guy to do? I hope I didn't look too befuddled.

  19. #19
    tired donnamb's Avatar
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    Hydrated, I think you did very well. I commend you for your bravery, kindness, chivalry, and sense of humor. So many women give up their bikes because of pain like this and no one to help them that they feel comfortable approaching.

    When women feel like they can approach a man they're not related to and who isn't their physician with a problem like this, I think it says that man is a fantastic human being.
    "Real wars of words are harder to win. They require thought, insight, precision, articulation, knowledge, and experience. They require the humility to admit when you are wrong. They recognize that the dialectic is not about making us look at you, but about us all looking together for the truth."

  20. #20
    M_S
    M_S is offline
    All Mod Cons M_S's Avatar
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    Or the woman lost a bet

  21. #21
    DNPAIMFB pinkrobe's Avatar
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    A friend of mine went for her first road ride not that long ago [she's been mtn biking for years]. After the 60 km ride she only had one complaint - her "nuun" hurt. She's Quebecois, so I'm sure that's QC slang for monkey.
    Last edited by pinkrobe; 12-08-07 at 12:17 PM. Reason: I know a little German
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  22. #22
    Erect member since 1953 cccorlew's Avatar
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    Ya know, maybe the world is getting to be a better place after all.
    This conversation wouldn't have been possible in many places in the past.

    Plus points: I read it to my wife and she completely cracked up
    WANTED: Not a darn thing. I've got it all. Life is good.
    Website at curtis.corlew.com Bicycle blog at ccorlew.blogspot.com

  23. #23
    extra bitter kyselad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GRedner View Post
    "Would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him! Touch my monkey!" (from an old SNL sketch )
    Easily my favorite song of the past 5 years.

  24. #24
    Senior Member
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    Wow...I wish i worked in an environment with four pretty young ladies....

  25. #25
    BF's Level 12 Wizard SingingSabre's Avatar
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    You should have offered to kiss 'em and make 'em all better...

    Wait, that should have been saved for Foo!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bklyn
    Obviously, the guy's like a 12th level white wizard or something. His mere presence is a danger to mortals.

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